Farkin' Links Vol. 25 1/27

You really need to check out the link that Uriel sent me...it's quite amazing. This guy makes Ron Artest look sane...well, kind of. O.K., probably not. Either way, Don't miss it.


Wow...talk about strange occurances. Who expects their car to catch fire while in a carwash?

Thieves are getting creative all of a sudden...yesterday it was laser pointers, today it's broken bottles.

Cool...this is just like that game telephone...with venereal diseases involved.

Hehe...this is a pretty funny link. Go ahead and guess the cup size. I'm sure you'll be surprised.

This is pretty fascinating...it's a list of how bands came up with their names. I really didn't need to know that about 10cc, though.

A group of 4 11 year olds try to hijack a bus to Nevada...probably because it's much harder to hijack a plane now.

Somebody actually wrote a scientific study of juggling. My personal favorite is the picture of Ancient Egyptians juggling...

A couple of elementary school kids were arrested for violent stick figure drawings. Nice to see our justice system hasn't overreacted or anything.

Hmmm...the silly ebay link of the day. A haunted wedding dress? Why does that sound like the plot to some weird Japanese porno?

Hehe...underwear out of a vending machine now? I think they already had that in Japan, only it was used panties. Yeah, those Japanese are sick.

In this revealing study, it seems that fat mothers tend to have fat children. Their next study is going to find out if water really is wet.

In this new study, they claim that gladiators really didn't fight to the death. I guess they just hurt each other with harsh language. "Are you not entertained?" Not if there's no blood, dammit!

Ted Turner compares Fox News popularity to Hitler not realizing that Hitler never even achieved a 40 percent vote total in any election. He must have gone to public school.

This is a fun game that is shameless product promotion. I feel violated.

Here's an interesting twist on a bowling game...although, after this I feel more dirty than violated.

One more game...this one with an annoying robot you have to throw. Too bad it doesn't crash and break into a hundred pieces. That would have been far more fun.

Wow...is all I can say about this dude. You have to get through all the nonsense he says, but wait until the end. Then you will see something you'd never expect. (Hat tip...err...make it a Hooah!: Uriel)

San Francisco is full of a bunch of pussies scared and stressed over Girl Scout Cookies. Actually, I just wanted to bring up the fact that Girl Scout cookies are back...mmmm....thin mints....

Politican gets heckled by his own mother...well, I would have probably heckled his name...hehe...weiner...

Yes! Today's "Japanese people are crazy" link manages to include weird criminal hold ups like the guy with the broken bottle AND monkeys. It really doesn't get any better than this.

Farkin' Links Vol. 24 1/26

Whew...I hate it when it rains in L.A. Everyone gets a case of the stupids on the freeway. Being I only have two choices to get into downtown, let's just say today I chose...poorly. On the way in I got to listen to news about the big three train derailment...it seems that it was all started by a cherokee parked on the rails. They're looking for the owner, of course, but if I was involved in this thing I'd be much more pissed at the driver of the train. I mean, it's not like he has to change lanes and shit, he just goes forward or stops. He can't take his eyes off his porno mag long enough to make sure there isn't a fucking JEEP sitting in front of the train?


What with crime skyrocketing in the U.K., it's nice to know they have their priorities in order; stopping the insanely dangerous crime of eating in your car. That's is, I am now forced to add a "British people are weird."

Let's see, you're not allowed to fired people due to being horrendously fat or living the risky life of a homosexual, but you can now fire people for smoking? I guess we also have our priorities in order here in the states. I smell a lawsuit! No, wait, that's smoke.

Here's a fun site...you can to decide what's the worst option in a series of terrible situations.

I can get on board with this boycott. Why the hell do we have to sit through a bunch of crappy commercials before movies anyways? Oh, right, the movie theatres need the money now that the industry forces them to pay outrageous fees to screen the films. But still...aren't 6 dollar nachos enough?

O.K...this guy so hates interacting with people that he invented a code that he would be able to type to order fast food from McDonald's without talking to anyone. I wonder if he lives in his parent's basement?

Well, these guys sure do like the hijinks...

Wow...this is just like that movie Final Destination; death will not be foiled. Tsunami or avalanche, which would you rather die in?

Hey Abe...support your people with a pizza! Just make sure it's kosher.

Have you ever wanted to make your own message on those candy hearts? Well, someone was bored enough to design a website for you to do it! Try the keep the dirty words to a minimum.

Holy dirt whore, Batman! What chick would want to wear this prom dress?

Hehe...here's yet another ebay story. I know you can buy basically anything on ebay, but this is a little ridiculous.

Here's an uplifting story about a porn king...no really...and I'm not even using innuendo when I use the word "uplifting."

Wow...Bloodninja is the greatest cyber sex maniac I've ever read. Although he has a strange obsession with Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Whoa...this flash game is pretty hard. It actually requires thought...

Other countries have a different concept of safety...such as how many people are allowed in one vehicle.

If you're like me, you have a hard time understanding rap lyrics. Luckily, a student in Oakland decided to translate some famous verses to get me started on really "getting it."

O.K. Here's a flash game much more my pace...it kind of reminds me of Kid Icarus back on the Nintendo.

Man robs a donut shop with a laser pointer. Maybe the employee just had eye surgery and was frightened it would get reversed...or she was a farkin' idiot.

Holy crap...they really WILL pay you for ad space on your forehead! Somebody forward this to Jack, quick!

Meet Ray. He's a psycho baddass...or not, depending on how you want him to act. This is my kind of choose your own adventure; the kind where you get to blow crap up. Don't miss out on the sequel to Ray as well.

Farkin' Links Vol. 23 1/25

Finally, I'm done with my work! Now I can screw around most of the day! Uhhh...don't tell my boss, o.k.? Anyways, that means you'll get the links early today.


I know I have a regular link about Japanese people, but shit, maybe I need one called "British people are weird." What part of getting slapped in the face and getting it recorded would lead you to call it happy slapper?

It's a good thing I don't attend school anymore, because I would have violated this program when it was announced? "A no-name calling week? What are you, retarded?"

Hmmm...another story about the differences between men and women. For those of you foolish enough to have believed that we're all the same, apparently science is finally catching up to common sense. On a related note, just because men can read maps better than women doesn't mean we don't get lost.

Yikes...here's another candidate for "Mother of the Year." Who the hell goes skydiving when they're 8 months pregnant? Most women can barely roll over at that point.

Man...what's with all these horny monks? First their hitting up prostitutes, now their impersonating husbands...I think they got into the wrong lifestyle.

Those wacky Europeans...I hope this license plate means something different in another language.

Here's an...interesting site on symbols and their meanings. I might come in handy...if you ever need to explain what the eye of Horus represents. I guess.

Here's a list of the top 50 movie deaths voted by...I dunno...some people I guess. The most disturbing death is listed at number 6; Bambi's mom. Such a sad, sad scene. I cried.

I think the headline is off...it actually should be This has to be Barney Gumble...not Homer. Still, that's impressive...those Euros can really drink.

Speaking of the Simpsons, this is good point to add my "Japanese people are crazy" link. That would be the fact that they eat the fugu, a blowfish that has enough poison in it to kill 30 people. Yeah, that's smart. Maybe they should take up smoking...oh wait, they already do.

Hehe...this is a pretty good commercial you might have seen on one of those cheesy world's best commercials shows that the stations play when they're being cheap.

I guess it's bad foreign commercials day. I'm still not sure what this guy is doing...but I definitely know what it looks like he's doing.

I didn't want to depress you even more yesterday, so I left this off. Those Brits...fun chaps, eh?

Wow...this is definitely the best flash game I've played in a while...too bad I had no time to play it today. Maybe tomorrow...

Jeez...the goofy ebay sales continue. This one is...well, I'd say it's not safe for work, but it's so stupid that it's probably o.k.

Have you ever wondered how tall you are compared to Andre the Giant? How about Adolph Hitler? Well, there's a lot of choices...have fun.

Damn...the Haj is getting more dangerous than a Great White concert. At least nobody got crushed under foot this time.

Female lawyer is fighting for the right for women to go topless. I think I speak for most people when I say, "You go, girl!"

Yet another sign that government is evil and must be stopped. You can't even shovel snow for a friend without getting fined and possible jail time. Viva La Revolucion!

...and just in case you were looking for a landcruiser/tank but wasn't sure where to find it...why, Amazon.com of course! It looks like Jabba the Hut designed it, but priced at 20,000 dollars, it's a steal!

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
--Woody Allen

That's easy...there's only 26 letters in the alphabet while there are an infinite number of...oh, it's a joke. Ha ha...funny...

Today I continued my learning how to do our company's billing and I must say, it was quite the eye opener. We go through about 2 million dollars a month and even though about 1.5 million is just cash advances for payment, we still have to account for all that money. The system we have set up doesn't even qualify as Jurassic...it's more like Paleozoic. Hell, I'm surprised our CFO isn't using an abacus at this point. He's still using Symphony, an old program from the eighties that barely functions on the new operating systems and combines it sloppily with the newer Windows Office in a way that is so Byzantine I'm surprised we haven't gone bankrupt yet. I really need to go through it once he's shown me exactly what the hell he's doing and figure out a way to get us caught up to at least the 90s at this point.

I headed for the gym after a very frustrating day of dealing with the ridiculous billing system and managed to not hurt myself. I've just started lifting weights again and I'm gonna take it nice and slow; no need to end it before I begin by knocking my back out of whack again. What I'm trying to do is get into better shape and health before I head off on my vacation in March; let's face it, Vietnam and Cambodia aren't known for their hygenic lifestyles...I'd like to come back from there with my liver still intact. I worked out the shoulders and the triceps which seemed to go o.k., then I rode the stationary bike for a half hour. I would have ran, but my legs are still sore from the basketball game yesterday. I have to say that the bikes they have at the gym are much cooler than a real bike; the seat is almost like a full car seat and you can almost lounge while you work out. It's certainly better on the crotch.

I'm going to read some more of the book that I've put off for so long now, Cryptonomicon. I'm about 350 pages in and it feels like it should have been about 50. This Neal Stephenson is a good writer, but Jesus, man, I don't need to know every little fucking detail! It's like he's getting paid by the word or something. Maybe he learned to write by reading Tom Clancy novels...

Farkin Links Vol. 22 1/24

So, the Patriots won yet again on their way to creating a new football dynasty. It was quite the ass whuppin', really. The best part is that my supervisor Tammy is a huge Steelers fan and was even wearing a Roethlisberger jersey on Friday, so basically everybody has been giving her crap. There's nothing quite as fun as rubbing in a sports loss...they really can't get that mad but for the victim it's about as fun as a root canal. Oh yes...the links...


Who knew keeping your mouth shut would cost so much money? Chris Rock should be worried about this judgment; it means that Pootie Tang's big musical hit was ripped off.

Here's a list of 100 annoying things of 2004. My favorites? "LINKIN PARK they donate $100,000 for Tsunami aid, but refuse a group suicide to perform an even greater good for the world," only to be outdone by "KOBE BRYANT normally a basketball player will get praise for his inside penetration, aggressive ball handling, and working above the rim. Just not when it's a part of the prosecutions rape case."

In a continuing attempt to be more like men, Aussie women are now using urinals...that's...just sick and wrong.

Wow...and this professor gets paid to research why women flash their breasts at a hockey game? How do I get on this research team?

I'm gonna have to agree with the Rolling Stone magazine here...advertising for dangerous books like the bible just isn't the type of thing they do. There's not nearly enough drug use in it.

Hehe...alright, this actually made me laugh out loud. I gotta say, I love both Jenna's, too.

Damn...being Sherlock Holmes is a lot harder than I thought...well, at least it gives you an excuse to do coke.

Screw that Dan Rather CBS scandal...this intrepid reporter has discovered something even more disturbing! Nickelback actually recycles songs!

Usually two women having sex together doesn't start a fight, but I guess her husband wanted more than a floor show. Oh well, he got greedy.

Hehe...stupid Norweigens...but they happen to be right in this case, the Bush family are totally metal heads. SATAN!!!

Yet another reason why soccer sucks...their refs have to entertain the audience by prancing around so they stay awake.

How many licks to the center of a lollipop? I dunno...but I have no problem watching her find out. This isn't technically unsafe for work...but you might want to be cautious.

Good lord...I wonder if this is what happened to Linh when she ate it on a bike?

This book predicting the future sounds pretty good...although it's about golf...the only sport more boring than soccer. Well...it's a toss up, really.

Whoa...this may be the worst thing I've ever seen sold on ebay...well, besides the Virgin Mary grill cheese sandwich, or the Elvis cup of water...actually, I guess it's not that bad.

Check out this nominee for "Mother of the Year." I think it's a runaway...how many mom's provide drugs AND sex? I mean, usually it's one or the other, right?

Are you ready to stand in line for months to watch the next shitty Star Wars movie, but don't know what to wear? I have the perfect solution...it also acts as a mask so nobody can identify what a total loser you are.

Hehe...JibJab has a new video for the second term of George Bush. Enjoy.

I always knew Pokemon was evil...EEEEEVIL!!!

...although Pokemon still has nothing on this...this frightening link. Only for those without heart conditions.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
--Fred Allen

Seriously...those bastards. If the Patriots win another friggin' championship, they're gonna get even more insufferable.

I haven't posted anything lately. No excuses...I'm just lazy. Anyways, I figured I should start again. I played in the first basketball game of the season in the Diamond Bar adult league and we basically got our asses kicked. It was close until the end, but then we let it get away from us. It didn't help I was playing like Big Ben Roethlisberger and started throwing the ball to the wrong team. I certainly didn't have my best game...as a matter of fact, I basically played like shit. Oh well, at least I can only go up from here. Speaking of which, we have a new player named Bihn who is a fairly talented player but more of a streetballer. What I mean by this is he hasn't gotten used to the idea of refs calling fouls intead of the usual "call your own" style on the playground. Because of this, he managed to foul out with about 14 minutes left in the game leaving us with only one bench player for substitute. As Stu Lance would say, "That's not gonna get it done." I have hope that we'll do much better next week as we'll get a bit more time to get used to each other.

I saw "In Good Company" this weekend and I have to say it was quite good. Topher Grace is really entertaining; he's got that amazing comedic timing that can make any line sound funny. He's a bit like Tom Hanks, although much skinnier. Maybe he'll fill out as he gets older. Also of note in this movie was Scarlett Johansson who I happen to like in pretty much everything I've seen her in. I'm really not sure why, as she's not that great an actress...she just has that incredibly unique look to her. Her performance in this particular movie isn't anything to write home about either, but she's completely believable as a young, college student who's trying to find herself. Probably wasn't much of a stretch, even if she is sort of a movie star. I wasn't all that impressed with the ending as it was rushed and somewhat cheesy, but despite that, it was a very enjoyable experience.

Farkin' Links Vol. 21 1/21

Friday is finally here. The only thing that would make it even better is if it were also payday...but I guess we can't get everything in life. Have a fun weekend...


This is taking that Billy Madison plot to the extreme...I'm still curious as to how an 84 year old man could possibly be a trouble maker in class. Shouldn't he be all crotchety by now?

For those of you who wanted to learn some useful sign language...here's how to talk to a deaf hooker.

Speaking of hookers, if you're gonna have one come to your work at the hospital and give her drugs, DO NOT record web cam pics of your acts and write dirty stories to accompany it with the company computer.

Here is an example of how not to dodge a right hook in a boxing ring. Of course, jumping up on the ropes like Superfly Snuka probably isn't gonna help either.

It's a me! Maaario! That's pretty creative...but I wouldn't hang it on my wall.

O.K, now this story is as funny...as a two dollar bill, I guess. Well, it's not as though the best and the brightest work at Taco Bell.

Here's a fun flash soccer game...in fact, much more fun than actually watching real soccer.

Wow...you can bid on Lando Calrissian on ebay! I wonder if it comes with a complentary 40 of Colt 45.

Poor guy hasn't slept in 20 years...he says he's tried everything to fall asleep...I say he tries watching some soccer. That usually works for me.

Holy crap! The evil empire is back! No, not Darth Vader or Tater or whatever the hell he is, I'm talking about...(cue evil music) Joe Stalin!!!

Normally, this would go in the "Japanese people are crazy" file, but Winnie the Pooh is cool.

Remember the girl with the fist in her mouth? I know I do! Anyways, Hardees has made this whole thing a running ad campaign...which may be the best campaign since Jack in the Box.

Wow...I think we're gonna need another box of legos. That's an impressive building...God would be flattered. (hat tip: Abe)

What do you get for a man who has everything? Well, if I'm ever in that category, don't even think of sending me this crap. Carcass art? Who the hell would come up with that?

This could have been a really entertaining story if they hadn't put a picture of the two women being charged with rape. Yikes...no wonder they needed more persuasive methods.

Huh...transvestite cuttlefish? God really does have a sense of humor. In their case though, they're using it just to get close to women...like Juwana Mann, I guess.

Would like to play the most frustrating flash game of all time? This is harder than riding an ACTUAL unicycle.

What is it with the hooker stories, today? Prostitutes in Antwerp are complaining about their district being too well lit. Well, most women do look much better in the dark...but that doesn't say much for the quality of prostitutes there. Maybe they should start handing out free beer.

Oooohhhh...hell hath no fury as a woman scorned. This isn't nearly as bad as Lorena Bobbitt, so if I were this guy I'd just let it go.

Cuba now has a fat dancing group. I suppose in a country with a shortage of everything including food, that has to be quite an accomplishment to be fat.

Farkin' Links Vol. 20 1/20

Well, I guess I survived despite my co-worker's dire predictions. Nothing remotely interesting even occurred yesterday. In fact, the only dangerous person to show up in the office yesterday was Melanie's crazy ass. Oh yeah, the links...


Here's a man who combines Rocky with Tom Green...I'll give him props for boldness at least. (hat tip: Vicky)

This is a cool little trick this car does...although it would have been much cooler had it involved a flame thrower. I really need one of those...

Ouch...Greg Louganis he's not. Diving, anyways...he could be gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Cool...Germany now has a tropical paradise. I'm sure it's only the first step towards world domination...but still, I'd go.

I'm not sure what the obsession with Lindsey Lohan is...oh right, the breasts. Well, this has nothing to do with that.

If you're still bummed out about the election and wanted to move to Canada, it looks like you can bribe your way in with pizza. It is the world's most perfect food.

Damn...they really do get better t.v. over there in Europe. Celebrity wrestling? Victoria Silverstedt sure as hell beats Karl Malone and Jay Leno.

I was gonna just let this one go, but it's too damn funny...and a perfect demonstration of evolution in action. "Watch to see what I can still do," famous last words if I've ever heard them. (hat tip: Tristan)

Damn...now THAT'S how you fight crime! It's Death Race 2000 and he's worth at least 25 points!

Holy crap! You can't slap people on the butt anymore in Italy...or you get a longer prison sentence than if you rob a liquor store.

Well...fuck! Hey, if they can say it repeatedly, I surely can type it.

Hmmm...Angelina Jolie, sex goddess? I've always thought crazy bitch, but hey, I guess she can be both. She does have a great quote,"Meeting a man in a hotel room for a few hours, and then going back and putting my son to bed and not seeing that man again for a few months is about what I can handle now."

Apparently, women really are like cats...they need to be stroked. Us guys need to be stroked too, but in a completely different way.

In the immortal words of Keanu Reeves...Whoa! I want this camera!

Ummm...I think this video clip cured me of the need to go base jumping...

Hehe...learn to pole dance at home with this kit! That's a home education I can get on board with.

This guy's hero must be Michael Jackson. I hope they keep him away from children.

Drinking water on airplanes is getting worse...for who exactly? Who the hell goes into the bathroom and gets a drink? Get a coke, for god's sake!

Mr. Potato head gets a new version dressed as Darth Vader, or "Darth Tater." Heh...maybe they should have just used him instead of Hayden Christensen, he'd probably do a better job.

Farkin' Links Vol. 19 1/19

Well, no flat tires today...so far so good. This may be my last post...because something terrible is supposed to happen at the office today. Melanie had a premonition that some people with guns are going to come in here and turn it into a charnel house...of course, she's been convinced she's going to win the lottery for the past 6 years, so her track record ain't so hot. Then again, a stopped clock is right twice a day, she's gotta be due. Anyways, here's da links.


Wow...I found one of my all time favorite clips today! Meet Pinky, the most loving cat in the world!

You wonder why those talking head anchors get paid the big bucks? I don't either, but they have an incredible amount of concentration...completely unflappable.

I always knew my mom was full of crap. I'm much healthier for NOT having made my bed!

Here's an interesting collection of strange newspaper personal ads. None of them have anything on the Fire Prince's poetry, though.

This site sells movie wardrobe and props...my favorite? Tattoo's shirt! De plane! De plane!

This is the perfect game to take out your frustrations on. Just change Chuck's name to someone more annoying...like Ashlee Simpson.

Ahhh...an even better game. Play the slapper game without the all the pain.

Hehe...this guy is looking better than the real Britney now...which is not a good thing.

How are you with trick questions? Make sure you read each one carefully before coming up with an answer.

Well, this guy learned the hard way never to piss off a man using heavy machinery.

You know, making obnoxious comments for articles and pictures isn't all that easy. Do you think you can do better? Give it a try.

Poor Sylvester Stallone...he's reduced to reprising his only other hit movie, Rambo even while he's eligible for social security. Well, at least he's not making another Rocky.

Hmmm...some people think Shakespeare was the Earl of Oxford, some say John Donne, some even say Bacon,(Sir Francis, not Kevin) but now the truth is out...he was a Catholic!

Hehe...Harvard president backs up Talking Barbie and says that women just aren't good at math and science.

In case you thought Canadians were all bright, friendly and fun to be around, eh, it turns out they too can get violent...but only when hockey is involved.

Wow...Fark calls this one spot on...Fast-food employees shocked when man with samurai sword crawls through drive-through window to rob them. There can be only one!

Cool, this sounds like Newjen's next fireworks show this 4th of July!

Muslims are upset over a a Polish magazine with a topless woman wearing a burka as it's insulting to Islam...still no word on what they think about people blowing up women and children.

Hmmm...it seems that Harvard is so full of dorks that they actually had to hire a fun czar to get them to, have fun, I guess. Hopefully he can get them to stop holding up signs that say WE SUCK.

I remember when Kramer said he "faked it" on Seinfeld it was a punchline...but apparently guys in England really ARE repressed.

Farkin' Links Vol. 18 1/18


What do you think the odds are of getting a flat tire two weeks in a row are? I should probably go play the lottery except that it seems due to some karma fluke I'm stuck on bad right now. It's probably due to that homeless drifter I killed to sell his organs. Oh well...anyways, here are the links.


Wow...that Japanese Tsunami hot dog eatin' dude needs to look out for this chick. He's got competition. Most impressive.

Motivational speaker might not be allowed back to speak at Jr. High School after telling girls that they could make up to 250,000 dollars as strippers. Hey...it beats living in a van, down by the river.

I've had a really big bug go splat on my windshield before...but this, this is a little worse.

Looks like Scooby Doo and the gang solved the case of the haunted Austrian Castle. I would have guessed it was old man Withers.

This man has been married more times than Jennifer Lopez! Or Tony Nguyen's dad!

I've seen Ben do this before...but when a woman does it, it's much more...impressive...among other things.

I guess crime really doesn't pay...plus you need to brush your teeth a whole lot afterwards.

Even though it's in another language, it's still kind of fun to test your geography skills. But seriously...who the hell knows where Kiew is? That must be Kiev...stupid Europeans.

What's my age again? Huh...I guess I'm 26.

This guy has some advice on how to pick up women...not that any of them are useful...but they are funny.

For the Star Wars geeks out there...yes, I know who you are; this is a pretty funny comic about what would happen if Han Solo went on trial for shooting Greedo.

The top german fashion designer was murdered, which is quite sad but...hehe...hehehe...look at this guy's picture. How could anybody shoot this guy? I wouldn't be able to hold the gun straight from the laughing convultions.

I must have missed this booth at CES...I'm pretty sure I would have remembered it.

Not quite as funny as asian people rapping...but hey, karaoke is karaoke. These chicks are FAR too into it.

Hmmm...I guess this is a good reason to get a GPS system in my car.

Ouch.

Have you ever wanted to know what exactly happens in an autopsy but didn't want to sit through Faces of Death? You're in luck.

Rule number 52 in commiting a robbery...don't show your I.D. to the victim. They have a habit of remembering your name when the authorities come around.

For our "Japanese people are crazy" link of the day...well, I guess they're on the right track on this one, but their subway system is gonna smell funny after an earthquake.

...and I thought our Diamond Bar league basketball team was low scoring...we usually crack double digits, though.

Farkin' Links Vol. 17 1/14


It's Friday...whoopee. Meh...here are the links.


Yeah, I'd be embarassed if my parents were Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman too...but only because I'd be a good foot taller than my dad and people would talk.

I think this would be a good way to liven up the airport once in a while...especially after having to sit around for 4 hours this past week. What are they gonna play instead? Bollywood movies?

Not actually safe for work...but I love foreign commercials. Only they could do a hair style commercial and include pubic hair.

Are you bored with your average, white teeth? Would like to instantly gain more street cred? Would like to be able to cut through glass with your mouth? Look no further!

Beauty AND kung fu. Now wonder Jeff Garcia dumped this other broad. He's probably hoping she goes to jail, because as George Costanza found, conjugal visit sex is much better.

Haha...that loveable little scamp! Wearing a Nazi armband...who would be offended by that?

Damn that Patriot Act!!! Can we not even tell lawyer jokes anymore?

Yikes...if you didn't totally hate where Star Wars has gone so far...maybe you should watch this Christmas Special. I'd heard legends about it, but...in the immortal words of Keanu Reeves...Whoa!

Hehe...here's a good link for Marlon to practice his kareoke skillz with the perfect music.

This looks like one of my brother's essays...that's probably why he's joining the airforce. Still, it's funny as hell.

In the usual "Japanese people are crazy" link, we find that Japanese woman are bored of the less than chivalrous attitude of their men and are going off to Austria to act like a princess. What they need is a vacation for anime fanboys to travel to Japan and hang out with Japanese schoolgirls...now THAT would make some money.

Oh great...as if the day wasn't short enough, now we're losing time due to these damn earthquakes.

This is really sad...but still, this is why we do the women and children first rule.

On the lighter side of news...an Amish boy was electrocuted by a fallen powerline that tangled into his buggy...hehe, shocking, isn't it? You can run from civilization, but you can't hide!

Help these monkeys dive into the wave...or not. I like aiming for the rocks, myself. They're not as cool as the diving penguin.

...and the death of personal responsibility continues at the rapid pace it's been traveling. 23 years old hardly qualifies as a child...unless it's Jack. Jack will have a childlike quality forever.

In case you don't have enough things to worry about...let's start worrying about cell phones! I'm sure they'll kill me...very, very slowly...kind of like smoking. If only people would stick to healthy activities, like base jumping.

Truly a noble effort by this teacher, but seriously, what kid nowadays CAN'T find porn on the internet? It's like not finding water in the ocean.

I dunno...Tristan doesn't look any thinner to me. I doubt this extra sleeping will really lead to weight loss.

I guess the Klan is trying to make up for all the lynchings and wasted bed sheets by adopting a highway. Why wouldn't you want a stretch of road named after the Ku Klux Klan? Oh...right...

...and for the LINK OF THE WEEK!!! Does anybody remember the Sushi Pants Story about the guy with the breathalyzer? Well, it turns out this guy has his own website...I'm really ashamed I never found this site until recently, but let's start with his story about his appearance on MTV.

Farkin' Links Vol. 16 1/13


I was standing in line today and this girl was talking to her boyfriend about getting custody of her child from her baby's daddy's momma...when I turned around I was shocked to find out she was a white chick. She wasn't aping a black inner city dialogue, she was living it. Funny how people's voices vary rarely match what they look like. Ummm...I guess that's my thought for the day...or something. On with the links.


Just in case you were feeling adequate in intelligence...look at this 13 year old little shit getting a 1600 on his SAT's.

Wow...I'm not sure how this ad will encourage people to learn english...still, now that song is going to be stuck in my head all day.

Whoops...I guess this is like getting caught telling your parents you'll be at your friend's house but got caught at a party with alcohol...only much, much worse.

Oh my god! If ever I heard a reason to not get a woman drunk, this is it! Poor guy isn't half the man he used to be.

Hmmm...I thought I was having a bad day until I read about this guy. Now I feel much better...thank god for schadenfreude.

Hehe...this story killed me. German sanitary workers accidentally incinerated a public sculpture because they thought it was garbarge...well, one man's trash is another man's treasure.

I guess I can take Florida off my vacation list. They not only have a 36 inch rule about strippers coming near you, but they have faces that absolutely require that rule. Yikes...I wouldn't even want to be in the same room with these walking veneral diseases.

This is a pretty funny video of what happens when airlifts go wrong. Expect to see this on Fox any day now, sometime after Who's your Daddy.

Did you ever wonder what happened to all that luggage that goes uncollected? Well, apparently they sell it to the highest bidder.

If you were looking for a way to eliminate those thong straps to disappear while you're wearing low cut jeans,(Yes, I'm talking to you, Alex) but don't want to go commando...go antipanti!

This is an interesting article about what happens to your emails when you die. I hope they don't go to my parents...along with my porno collection. I better donate it in my will to needy teenagers.

I'm not exactly sure this is safe for work...because this guy takes some weird ass pictures. Worth checking out, though.

Here's a collection of embarassing sexual moments in story form...hehe...there are some funny ass stories here.

They're installing gunshot-detection devices in various places in Chicago...which would very much encourage me to get the hell out of Chicago. Hey Carol...maybe if you'd stop getting drunk and shooting off your guns on the roof of your place, they wouldn't have to resort to this.

Why, oh why would you steal a girl's prosethic arm? I doubt she killed your wife.

Hehe...I guess if you have an infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of typewriters...one of them will accidentally type fuckme.

This game of throwing a ball of paper into a wastebasket is almost as fun as a real ball of paper being thrown into a wastebasket.

Hehe...oh, those wacky Romanians. They'll arrest anyone, even babies.

See...European women are worldly. They understand the value of their sexuality...it apparently starts at about 320 dollars.

...and for the last link, it might as well be a "Japanese people are crazy" one. Japanese scientists are building soccer playing robots and expect to be able to beat humans by 2050. I guess the Japanese team is so shitty they need a leg up on the competition.

Farkin' Links Vol. 15 1/12

Whew...I've really been working hard for the m...hey, wait a minute, I don't make enough money to work hard here! Oh well, at least I got to see the oddest sight out front of the Compton courthouse today; no, it wasn't a shoot out. That would be normal. It was a chihuahua wearing a fur lined coat sitting in a car waiting for her? owner. I realize they made sweaters for dogs...but coats? It's got fur! How freakin' cold is it going to get! Ahem...on with the links...


Awww...what a cute doggie. This is one of the reasons I don't have pets. Well, that and they'd most likely die of neglect.

I saw this feel better about failing...all these things were magnificent failures. Without it, we wouldn't have had silly putty!

In the "Japanese people are crazy" link of the day, I wouldn't exactly say they're crazy, just perverted and weird with their use of cameras. O.K., fine, they're crazy.

Hmmm...I guess it's not only the Japanese that lost their marbles. India Daily reports that China and India have discovered an alien UFO base...

A balding girl got ripped off on ebay while trying to buy a wig. She's really distraught about her hair loss...enough so that she had them take pictures of her and put them in the article.

Yikes...this Ramones roadie has been carrying around used dental floss from the band? Those guys weren't known for their clean living ways...but hey, there's always ebay.

According to a British survey, unmarried men love their cats...really LOVE their cats. I'm really not surprised. It's obviously the only pussy they're going home to.

Hehe...now HERE'S a Columbia House club I can get on board with. I wonder what the paperwork questionaire on your preferences for selection of the month is on this one?

It seems we're all becoming "life incompetents" by neglecting our home ec training in school. Luckily for Paul, he was a leading proponent of FHA(Future Home Makers of America), so he'll be fine. Me? I'll just get the mashed potatoes from KFC, thank you very much.

Ooohhhh...the horror! If you want to see horrific car accidents, look no further.

Funny...I've used at least half of these 40 things you'd like to say at work...although it's usually,"Do I look like a fucking people person?" There's just not enough profanity laced into these comments.

Awwww...these two kids met over a message in a bottle across the English Channel and now they've been married for 27 years. That's a freakin' Hallmark story if I've ever heard one.

Hehe...A 10 year old girl gets denied by the government the right to set up a lemonade shop to raise money for the Tsunami victims. I guess she didn't bribe the right politicians.

Hey Abe...did you get yourself a McShuarma when you were in Israel?

Remember that dork who's waiting out front of a theater for the next Star Wars movie? Surprise, surprise, he has a blog. Why don't you drop him a line of encouragement...or mocking insults, whatever floats your boat.

Ummm...definitely not safe for work, but it's an interesting concentration test for men.

Asian people rapping...does it get much funnier than that? Of course, asian cross dressing is a bit more scary...

Soccer is still dorky, but this guy puts on a show! It's a hell of a lot better than that Tiger Woods bouncing ball commercial.

Wow...Gallagher isn't very funny in this interview. Of course, if I was Gallagher, I'd be pretty pissed off too.

...and last, but certainly not least, a woman mistakes super glue for her eye drops. Ummm...whoops.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
--Groucho Marx

I guess I'm just in a silly mood today.

Actually, I've had a pretty busy day and haven't really had time for frivolity. Well, as much as I'm used to, anyways. I got a little upset in my car while listening to Medved while he was discussing an interesting subject about religious groups giving aid to tsunami victims. It seems that they're handing out religious messages in the form of gospels and copies of the bible and CAIR as well as other groups are upset about it. This is just yet another episode of people being overly sensitive about everything; this Jewis woman calls up and complains about how she hates when people come up to her to try and talk about Jesus and how it offends her. How fucking sensitive do you have to be to get offended by Jesus? That guy didn't do anything to you; where does the animosity towards Christianity come from? I'm not a practicing Christian, a practicing anything except perhaps drunkard, yet I don't get upset when people talk to me about things they're passionate about...well, unless it's something like child porn or something. These overly sensitive people are always talking about the first amendment and free speech, yet they hate that the religious seem to keep talking about all that "Jesus stuff." Things seem to be changing, finally, but this is just another example of something we all need to be aware of. Just because you don't like something doesn't mean you have to take it personally; the world doesn't actually revolve around you. Just chill, please.

Farkin' Links Vol. 14 1/11


Damn...they expected me to actually do some work today, therefore the links are late. I'd apologize about it, but since it's free, you get what you pay for. If you haven't donated to the Red Cross or WorldVision yet for Tsunami relief, you should really consider it. For anyone who played Oregon Trail back in elementary school, Cholera can kill...Speaking of which, I was listening to a radio show today and it seems that people are complaining about religious groups who are on the ground and giving Tsunami aid are giving out religious gospels and bibles. What do you think? I can't see anyone getting that upset...even if you don't read it, at least you can use it for firewood. Oh yeah, the links. Check out the one at the bottom...priceless.


Wow...these are some exotic urinals. I just wouldn't like to pee like that right in front of a window...even if it's 30 stories high.

Have you ever wondered what a DeLorean would like like with monster truck wheels? Yeah, neither did I, but some Yahoo went and did it anyways.

This is why I love the Weekly World News...when they're not telling an engrossing story about a Bat-boy or an Alien campaigning for Ross Perot, they have informative articles like this...1 in 10 drivers you pass on the road is naked from the waist down.

A woman is suing Gene Simmons from KISS because a rockumentary made her look like a slut. She might not be a slut, but she must be a total retard as she says in court papers, they were in what she believed was "an exclusive, monogamous, romantic relationship." Riiiiiight...because Rock and Roll stars never sleep around.

...and in another shocking turn of events, a former child star pleads guilty to driving under the influence. She should look up her tv brother Kirk Cameron and find Jesus.

This article has the shock all wrong...there's nothing shocking about a no name British actor getting the lead male role in a sequel to Basic Instinct...it's the fact that they would make a sequel and keep Sharon Stone. She's what, 50 now? I think her instincts lean more towards getting that early bird special at Denny's and playing bridge.

Staying with the movie motif, it's good to know that Paris Hilton decided to make a sequel to her break out...or should I say smash hit. Yet another sex tape...hopefully with better special effects and dialogue.

I just had to add this great pic of Paris...it's quite bold and risque. She's playing with...well, just check it.

On the usual "Japanese people are crazy" link, we have wacky Japanese people starting an underground farm system using hydroponics. Hopefully, it's just for medicinal use.

This link is for Moody...and no, there are no drugs involved...for once. If you really want to drive in Germany, I guess you better study up on the Autobahn.

This is definitely not safe for work...but this V-flex exercise unit...well, I'll just let you check it. The V stands for something, and it ain't virginity.

This should really help out stalkers. Hey, I really CAN see my house from here!

If you ever want to live in the mountains like a paranoid crazyman like the unibomber but do it in style, check this house out. It's for sale.

Something tells me a racing outhouse has as much chance catching on in the mainstream as that goofy segway. Still, anything that shoots flames is cool in my book.

I could have used this Luck School before I went to Vegas...but then, after paying for the school, I probably would have been broke. Actually, I had plenty of luck in Vegas...it was just all bad luck.

I also could have used one of these wheel/tire combos that require no air pressure when I had a flat last week. Of course, they might want to change the name...Tweel? That's just tewwible.

In case you thought the Amish were just harmless badly dressed folks who speak funny and churn butter...well, that's almost true.

Gee...I wonder why Alan Keyes can't win an election. Especially with quality speeches like this.

Holy Crap! This is the best reason to never go kayaking I can think of. Well, other than looking like a complete tool when you're in one.

Wow...this has to be the link of the day. Must see animation! Even better than Afghanistanimation.

Farkin' Links Vol. 13 1/10

Vegas would be much more fun if it didn't involve losing lots of money. Maybe I should stick to the Circus-Circus carnival games. I hope the rest of you had a good weekend...and can someone tell me how the hell the Jets beat the Chargers! Ahem...on with the links.


Britney wants to turn her husband into a rapper? How is she going to find time to manage another career and be a crime investigator? How has she not gotten a reality show yet?

Rule number #271 in commiting a robbery, DO NOT return to the scene of the crime and ask for directions. They're generally not in a helpful mood.

Just in case you haven't learned like this guy...fire is hot.

In case you thought that link I sent out to create a tin foil hat to avoid alien mind control devices was too difficult to make...try this aluminum foil deflector beanie. It's much more stylish.

These guys need a new project...why would you spend your time making logos float?

Hehe...I don't know how many times I've had to do something like this. Personally, I think you should have to pass a test in order to use a computer. It should be like driving, a priviledge, not a right.

Here's a jackass that was arrested crashing his car moments after a judge ordered him not to drive...not exactly a great story, but you just gotta see the man's picture. Gold teeth are fly!

I dunno...if the Empire State building's antenna was broken, I'd just let it go. Maybe get a directv dish or something.

I'm gonna have to try this with Chih Hao one of these days when he's in a crazy drunken stupor. Let's go shoppin'!

Wow...this guy apparently lives beyond Thunderdome somewhere. I'm really going to have to look into these flamethrower attachments to the car...beats the hell out of new rims.

Alright...who thinks that taking an old, smelly shirt and turning it into a pair of underwear is a good idea? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Yikes...this site exposes federal agents and informants to everyone on the web. Luckily, they don't condone violence against them, so obviously that'll keep the criminals from doing anything.

Here's an artist who makes portraits with used chewing gum. He states he has a team of gum chewers so he doesn't have to do it himself...so basically he plays with other people's used gum. Talk about sacrificing for you art.

Holy Cow! This is the greatest idea for a cafe I've ever seen! Cereality just serves all types of cereal with unique toppings. That beats the hell out of boba shops.

In this game you need to keep a little bird from being crushed by an elephant...or not, it's much funnier when you fail.

Damn...that's the worst car accident I've ever seen. Usually, cars don't burst into flames when they crash.

Here's a fairly helpful list of rules to follow when you go to the gym...and I think I've only broken about 8 of them. Of course, the first 3 rules are a little unfair, really.

Here's a helpful list on how to argue with a woman. Of course, it doesn't have any advice on how to pay for your hospital bills once you use these tactics.

Well, it's not exactly Beauty and the Beast, but it is 5000 year old animation from Iran. Don't say I never said anything nice about Iran, although I prefer Afghanistanimation.

Aaron Carter was almost killed by a burning mattress under his SUV...well, I guess my flat tire the other day could have been much worse.

What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure.
--Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

Well...I guess that sums up this blogging effort pretty well, wouldn't ya say?

Viva, Las Vegas! Yes, I said, Viva, Las Vegas! In fact, Viva...VIVA...LAS VEGAS!!! As soon as I'm out of this office I'm on my way to losing my ass in Sin City... We have playoff games to bet on, a CES show to see and even a porn convention that a certain friend of mine is very familiar with. That, combined with the fact that I just booked my trip for Vietnam today and the fact that it's Friday has me in such high spirits, even the rainy weather can't bring me down! There's also a Monet exhibit from the Boston museum at Bellagio I want to see as I've been attempting to expand my artistic horizons lately. I did even manage to drag Newjen along to LACMA to see an impressionist exhibit where the main piece was "Luncheon at the Boating Party" by Renoir. It was quite lovely and much larger than I ever expected. Usually those impressionists were pussies compared to the manly, wall smothering art of the Flemish painters...then again, the impressionists actually did all their own painting. Anyways, I figure I'll leave this post with a joke that Glenn S. sent to me...It actually made me laugh out loud.

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite
sex positions.

One of them said, "I reckon I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount
her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each breast in
your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your
sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

Farkin' Links Vol. 12 1/7

Hello folks...Friday is here again! Although, truthfully, it means it's only 3 more days until Monday. I hate Mondays. At least I'll be able to console my aching soul with a weekend in Vegas! So long suckers! I mean, I hope you have a wonderful weekend.


I know they say everything is big in Texas...but who knew about the giant statue motif going on in Australia?

Here's a man who is suing Fear Factor for grossing him out with a rat eating episode. Does this mean I can sue Method and Redman for the pain and suffering they inflicted on me with their terrible show?

Speaking of horrible t.v. that I'm considering suing for...Here's the Jan Brady to Jessica Simpson's Marsha, Marsha Marsha!

While we're on the subject of stupid lawsuits...here's a woman suing Este Lauder for selling fradulent anti-aging cream. Because, you know, they don't actually turn your birth back 2 years...or something. Remember when there used to be personal responsibility?

There's wow...then there's wowzers...then there is this site about freaks. I'm gonna have to come up with a better adjective.

Hmmm...I wonder if Betty knows about this. I didn't know Andy was already married to a cartoon character.

Here's an interesting article about shopping...yeah, it must have been a slow newsday, but I'm gonna have to practice some triangular balance of my own.

A satanic rocker could get up to 9 years in jail for drinking some other guy's blood. What's real interesting about this story is the rocker's name is <>. I didn't know you could add stuff like that to your name. I wonder...{Adam}. Naw...forget it.

Whoa...here's a joke list of the 10 worst album covers of all time. I got to say...Let Me Touch Him is one of the most disturbing covers I've ever seen. It's like NAMBLA got together to make a musical group. Unfortunately for my buddy David...he's now officially Devastatin' Dave, the Turntable Slave.

I'm not sure if this is Pimp my Hummer or White Trash-up my Hummer.

Hmmm...car vs. skateboard...not quite fair. The skateboard got a head start.

Scientists: Volcano Could Swamp U.S. with Mega-Tsunami...right after we get hit by a giant asteroid and conquered by Aliens.

Holy crap...William Hung refuses to go away...well, maybe he could be the next Jackie Chan.

Whoops...whenever you decide impersonate a police officer...try not to pull over a real police officer; they won't think it's very funny.

Well, at least we know that Bill Gates isn't keeping quality operating systems hidden from us. It appears his version of Windows sucks just as much as ours.

Kate Beckinsale has given away her pet rabbit to the cleaning lady because he couldn't stop humping the food bowl. I love this justification,"Also, he was boring and, other than masturbate, he didn't do anything." Hehe...that sounds like Jack.

Great...the Star Wars nuts are already going into overdrive 22 weeks before the sure to be sucky Episode 3 comes out. At least they'll all be in one place...easier to round up and destroy.

Wow! This is the best "Japanese people are crazy" link of ALL TIME! Hiroshi Yamauchi still hasn't accepted that they lost WWII. The best quote of the article,"Hey Ballmer, why don't you suck my tiny, yellow balls?" There's no way this article can be real...

Damn coppers! Why do they have to pull a power trip when a man is just trying to get to the hospital? He did have a nail in his thigh...I'd cut him some slack.

Hey, age is just a number. How can you charge someone with sexual assault when the "kid" involved is 16? Just terrible. On a similar subject, maybe I should take up volleyball.

There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker.
--Charles M. Schulz (1922 - 2000)

Hear that, people with your idiotic "Give Peace a Chance" bumper stickers? Snoopy don't lie.


The Daily News has on it's secondary headline, "Arnold: Join me or Fight!" The Governator Schwarzenegger(Wow...I nailed that spelling on the first try!) is battling the California legislature over the budget right now. Personally, I think it would have been much cooler if it was "Join me or DIIIIIE!!!" Then he could have busted out a rail gun and just annihilated the entire governing body, just like that Simpsons' episode with Mel Gibson's remake of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. I wouldn't be too broken up about it, I can tell you that.

Why the hell are Chinese restaurants so against giving people any actual service? I went to lunch today with Newjen and his girl Kimpossible because they were downtown today and we went to this place the Mayflower that she recommended. Actually, she wanted to go to some Dim Sum place, but was sure it was ABC when in fact it turned out to be CBS...or NBC or Fox...whatever the hell the real place was wasn't important because we didn't end up there. But I digress. We sit down in this Mayflower place and wait...and wait some more...I talk to one of the ladies cleaning up asking for a server, she nods and wanders off. Then we wait some more. I wave down a different lady to order, she pretends I'm not there and keeps moving...I missed tripping her by only a couple of inches. They're pretty fast, those chinese servers. Finally, a lady comes out taking orders and what does she do? She starts helping everybody BUT us. Two other groups that came in way after us get helped first, I'm trying to get her attention...finally, the lady in the group that she skipped over us for tells the server that we were there first. She finally looks at us. She has 2 options now, she can come over, apologize and take our order, or ignore us and move on to another party that just walked in. Guess which one she did? That was the last straw for me, I grabbed my jacket, stood up and said,"Fuck this terrible service!" and basically stormed out.

We ended up settling on a different Chinese restaurant that had much better service even though it consisted of one dude running around. For a while, we were wondering if he was cooking back there too. Either way, it was cheap, good food with 10x better service. The only drawback was this terrible Chinese song they kept playing over and over...for a while I thought it was just one really long song until Newjen pointed out it was on repeat on their kareoke machine. I would have jumped up and sang along as I'm pretty sure I had the lyrics down by then, but I figure I better stick to rappin'...yo.

Farkin' links Vol. 11 1/6


Thursday is here! You know what Thursday is, right? It's the day before Friday! Yeah! Well, back to work. You might want to check out Marlon's favorite clip today...but make sure you have sound. Enjoy.


Yeah...down with the man! There's a new sheriff in town...Shaft!

Would like to just rule at that game 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon? Now there's a website set up to do just that.

Gotta love this headline, "Girlfriends hired to stop nagging." Isn't that what girlfriends are for? Well, this is China, so maybe things are different. I bet they do windows there...among other things.

Hehe...this woman married a dead guy. I guess it saves time nagging him to his death...maybe she's just lazy.

Hey ladies...do puppets get you horny? This may be some of the strangest advice I've ever seen.

This is a fun little game knocking down a bad singer...although I still say she's a way better performer than Ashlee Simpson.

I am so glad I don't live in a place where it snows...of course, if I did, I sure as hell wouldn't leave my car window open.

Jeez...maybe I need a Chinese people are crazy link. Maybe I should just limit it to superstitious; I remember the chinese family that bought our old house actually got the address changed because it was unlucky.

Hey...this kid's a pretty good painter for being under 10. I'd like to get her to paint me a nice velvet shot of dogs playing poker. The poetry...well, let's just say she should stick to painting.

Britney Spears wants to become a forensic scientist from watching CSI. This doesn't even require a joke.

...and in the wonderfully progressive land of Iran, a soap opera storyline takes a serial killer turn.

Physicist invents new calendar. Oh, if you were born on January 31, you're screwed. But think of it this way, you'll never get any older.

I've been pretty drunk before, but I've never approached this guy...that I know of, anyways.

This mini game reminds me of a joke. Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

Here's reason number 1,642 why I don't want to ride a motorcycle.

Hehe...and here's Marlon's favorite video clip if you haven't seen it yet. I never knew crushing grapes could be this dangerous.

Here's an interesting collection of short comics...that are somewhat disturbing.

So, is it just everyone in Florida politics is insane, or what?

Hmmm...I guess it turns out Disney really didn't put a bunch of offensive crap in their game afterall. I guess they decided to keep it for their newer cartoon movies.

This excuse sure blows that dog ate my homework one out of the water. Somebody get this guy some nail clippers.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.
--Oscar Levant

It really is hard to be humble when you're as cool as I am.


So, yesterday I get a flat tire. It's a damn good thing I forgot to renew my AAA card or I wouldn't have had the pleasure of changing a tire on the wet ground in nice clothes. I really need to get a full sized spare, but at the same time, that would be a disaster as I wouldn't get around to actually replacing it until I got another flat...which would leave me with 2 useless tires. Maybe I should just invent some tires that can't go flat...it would save some time and money...and probably ruin my gas milage. Eh, screw it. I am as likely to invent a new tire as I am to invent a cold fusion powerplant.

First, the Patriots win a championship and become basically the newest dynasty in football, then USC creates it's own little mini dynasty after kicking the shit out of Oklahoma, even worse, the god damned Red Sox end up winning a championship. If the Celtics suddenly become the hot team of basketball, every single team my dad cheers for will be king. It's sickening really...I think he either sold his soul to the devil or the devil is taking an early retirement and promoted him to his spot. It would explain so many things, really. Well, I can't complain for at least another 3 years or so, my Angels won their championship back in '02. There's a 5 year limit to bitching about sports when that happens...so says the Sports Guy. You notice I didn't say Anaheim Angels...that would be because the new owner, who I was just starting to like, decided to rename them the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. He should have gone all the way and had them sponsored by Enron...what a lame ass name. Besides the fact that Los Angeles means Angel which makes that name totally redundant, Anaheim is not in Los Angeles! I say, leave L.A. to that crappy Dodger team that's already there. Moreno, the owner, seems to think he can increase the marketeablility of the team with the inclusion of Los Angeles...sure, that worked for the Green Bay Packers. Oh wait, actually, Green Bay is a tiny city in the middle of the Wisconsin wasteland...deep breaths...anyways, the city of Anaheim is fighting this and hopefully they win. Not just because it's right, but because I really don't want to see my team with such a stupid name...I already have to root for the Mighty Ducks for christ sakes...speaking of which...where the hell is my hockey?

Farkin' Links Vol. 10 1/5


Did anybody watch that USC/Oklahoma championship game last night? Wow, that was like watching the Varsity team play some elementary school kids...or the San Francisco 49ers play a real NFL team. I thought I felt foolish when I had to change my tire yesterday wearing nice clothes on the wet ground...but if I was on Oklahoma I would have slipped out of my uniform and tried to blend into the crowd. Oh, right, here are the links.


This is interesting...sometimes I wish I had a remote control for my brain...so I could fast forward all the crappy parts and just relive all the good stuff...over and over...

Get your tin-foil hat ready for a tale of Nazis, UFO's and Pinochet! 12 to 7 they make either a video game or a movie about this. Actually, if that Resident Evil guy gets involved, make it both.

Just in case you ever get blown out of a plane at 15,000 feet, you might want to keep this wise advice in mind. Of course, you'll be too busy crapping your pants and screaming for mommy, but it's worth a shot.

I could play Mary Had A Little Lamb on the piano when I was 4 years old...so this little kid basically blows me out of the water.

Anti-Bullying wristbands have turned the wearers into big fat targets for bullies. Ooooh...the irony. Actually, the stupidity of the idea is far more amazing.

If you thought tests were tough back in school...thank the lord you didn't go to King William's College.

So a child's game had a little cursing...I don't see what the big fucking deal is.

Here's a very interesting fortune telling link. I gotta say, it told my fortune to a tee.

I know I take cheap shots at soccer players about being a bunch of cry baby pussies and actors...well, this is why.

Wow...this white boy can DUNK!

This game controlling a fireball is far harder than it needs to be. I'm just frustrated...and if I had any work to do, I'd so stop playing it.

...and one more silly game. At least you get to be Daffy Duck in this one. No doubt they'll be sued for this.

Holy Crap! That's just...sick and wrong! Although, I would like to breathe easier...I wonder if it works...

There are tons of good shirts on this site...I think my favorite is South Korea's got Seoul.

Have you ever fought anybody for a parking space? I'm not judging you or anything...freak. I mean, just walk the extra 20 feet.

What's wrong with the "Breast Christmas Ever?" I think those lesbians in NOW are just jealous.

This isn't how I remember it when I shot that homeless man for kicks...er...I mean, so I've heard from other people.

I know you're not supposed to beat up Burger King employees...as it's "against the law" and everything...but who the hell ever heard of a fast food joint running out of fries? I'd probably riot too.

Hehe...that's pretty funny. A woman was fired for not wearing enough makeup...she must have really needed it if it went to that extreme.

...and just so you don't think only Japanese people are crazy, this guy just sold a cup of water for 455 dollars on ebay.

"Aside from his scintilla of candor, Mr. Bush is still not leveling with us. As he said at his press conference on Monday, 'the enemies of freedom' know that 'a democratic Iraq will be a decisive blow to their ambitions because free people will never choose to live in tyranny.' They may choose to live in a theocracy, though. Americans did."

-- Maureen Dowd

Lovely...I can't for the life of me think why she's still single.

Like I entered before, I'm going to try and post more often so this is as good a time as any. I had a signing today with this asian guy who's married to this white woman. He was funny because he had one of those well rehearsed voices with no visible accent that almost sounds like a stage voice...kind of like Captain Sulu on Star Trek. She was some bitter old bitch that I couldn't imagine being married to...I guess he just has a lot of patience. Marriage surely is a dangerous pastime.

I'm currently watching USC whoop the crap out of Oklahoma for the NCAA football championship right now and it's pretty damn entertaining. There's something fun about a serious ass whippin' where the other team doesn't even have a chance and looks totally outmatched. You can see the shell shocked looks in their expressions, the quarterback always looks like a spooked foal ready to run for his life...good stuff. I don't have a dog in this fight, but my dad's a big USC fan due to him attending USC for...oh, maybe a year. This is why I usually root against them, but only when he's in the same room. Ooooooklahoma, is the team that's getting it's butt kicked...

Farkin' Links Vol. 9 1/4


I usually expect fools from the U.N. like Jan Egelend to criticize the U.S., but the nonsense is now coming out of our own papers. Howard Kurtz writes today in the Washington Post, "Like it or not, Bush fostered the impression that he was painfully slow to react to the post-Christmas disaster while at the ranch. Three full days with no appearance before the cameras? What else did he have to do that was more important?" Hey Howie...how about a nice big cup of shut the fuck up. The election is over, we'll probably raise far more money privately than through the incompetent government of ours and we have all the transports at our disposal over there helping. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. Mr. Kurtz, stop being part of the fucking problem. Sorry about that, I needed to rant today. Here's the happy-go-lucky links of the day.



I think South Africa is a little ahead of these car anti-theft systems with their flame throwers, but I'd use them.

Just in case you ever end up in a Russian prison and want to understand the tattoo culture...hey, you never know.

Did you ever wonder where the the phrase "fuckin' A" came from? Yeah, me neither. But hey, somebody wrote a piece on it anyways.

I guess the defnition of finger foods is different in Africa. I'll have to keep that in mind when I got to Zimbabwe. Well, keep that and a gun.

I guess these pillows beat the fake women's lap, but not by much. Why would you want to sleep on a piece of sushi?

This is a fun page full of all the nitpicking you can think of for movies. I certainly didn't notice Spiderman's mask changing.

Here's 100 things you didn't know last year...or weren't likely to care. I mean, is the fact that Brazilians are the nationality most likely to read spam really that necessary to know?

This is a pretty helpful eye chart for guys. Just keep in mind how true the beer section is.

Alright...one of the classic Fox Sports commercials! I'd give this dive an 8...damn Russians.

Wow...never bring a crybaby to a pillowfight. This is just...sad.

Here is a list of the wackiest police calls of last year. My personal favorite,"Oct. 15, 9:08 p.m.: A man violated a restraining order, entered a house in the 1000 block of Laurel Avenue, took a parrot and threatened to kill it." That parrot must have been laughing at him.

This story is just disturbing. Who wouldn't be mentally unstable after spending several weeks with decomposing bodies.

Yet another retrospective on weird stories in 2004. My personal favorite is the one about T I Double GG Er. I'm sure it was all a big misunderstanding...Tigger wouldn't do something like that.

Girls sure dress differently from when I was in High school. I blame Britney Spears. Thank you, Britney!

Well, it looks like they went ahead and did it, despite all logic and sense telling them no. Meet the new Los Angeles Angels! Who play in Orange County. Yeah, that's just great.

Gee...maybe Jack should have gone to college in the Ukraine. He definitely would have graduated in 10 years.

Hehe...if you're tired of Monopoly (and let's face it, who isn't? Even if you slap Star Wars or Star Whores onto it) check out these board games.

Here's a page where a man eats some almost food and gives you a review on it. It still has nothing on some of the crap I've seen eaten at Chinese restaurants, but it's still pretty entertaining.

This is very involved for a flash game...plus you get to shoot things. I'm sold.

...and to round out 2004, here's just one more weird stories of last year link. Makes you wonder about what happened to the chickens you eat, huh?