Farkin' Links Vol. 1

Well, I've settled on a name for these links...I figure if I can't beat them, I'll join 'em. Unfortunately, that means I have to give praise to Marlon since he was the one with the idea. How do you praise one so evil as Marlon? Well, we'll give it a try. I understand he's stopped torturing small animals...now he just devotes that energy to torturing Jack. That rumor I started about him selling ballistic weapons systems to the Chicoms? Well, I don't have any definitive proof, so I might not be true. Hmmm...well, that's about the best I can do. Either way, here's the links for today.



Harrison Ford gets tired of playing communist heroes and decides to be an american hero in a new movie based on the invasion of Fallujah.

There is just so much wrong with this story, I'm not even sure where to start. Maybe with the question, how does a woman end up named Ramon? Well, maybe the bestiality is a little strange, too.

What is this whole school craze of slapping the cuffs on children? Do handcuffs even stay on a 5 year old? What they need to bring back is a paddlin'.

If you're still looking for unique Christmas gifts...here's the best of two worlds, an ipod AND David Hasselhoff! In the immortal words of Keanu Reeves,"Whoa!"

Hey...who are you going to believe, Paris Hilton's words or your own eyes? Everybody has seen her debut video, right?

Yet another stupid criminal that won't heed my advice about old people...they'll fuck you up. That or give you a lecture.

Castro's granddaughter becomes a U.S. citizen. Oh sure, after taking advantage of the superior education system and free health care, she turns traitor. Viva la revolucion!

In case you're wondering why our health care is so expensive...it turns out we're still paying for the care of zombies. Have we learned nothing from Dawn of the Dead?

When I was a kid, I used to play with army men. This would have really made things more realistic.

So that's what Kurt Warner is doing these days...store clerk by day, crimefighter by...day, I guess. Remember, there's no Fiction in Crucifixion.

Too bad Scott Peterson didn't kill his wife in Canada...apparently, you spend less time in jail for murder than making racist remarks. Blame Canada, indeed.

In order to make the children feel more at home, the new school for troubled students get their new digs next to a strip joint and an adult video store.

A Mexican man took his gay lover far to seriously when he was told,"Eat me!"

Girl's high school basketball team one up Charlie Brown and reel off a 107 game losing streak. Their coach is very confident that with hard work, they can make it 108.

Missouri jails allow inmates to play video games. Think if they get to shoot and blow up people on the screen, it'll keep them from trying it out on the guards.

Oh great...Microsoft is going to charge us for new programs that fix their crappy operating system. If those linux users weren't such arrogant bastards...and I could actually play a game on it, I might switch.

Yet another example of how not to pull a prank. People tend to overreact when they see a dead body.

Michael Jackson to throw a kiddie Christmas party at Neverland Ranch...what could possibly go wrong?

Hmmm...I wanna know what school project that would justify having toppless pictures of women...and why the hell I never got any cool assignments like that!

Hey...if Michelle Wie can compete with men, why not let this guy compete in girl's gymnastics? It's not really a sport, anyways. Kind of like golf.

Need Your Help...with Links

I don't actually need your help in finding links as I seem to have that pretty well handled...no, you see, Vicky complained that I was getting repetious with the title and that I should have a permanent name for this "newsletter." We can't have Vicky complaining, so I decided that it's a good idea to have a name. Hey, I'm a people pleaser, and if you don't like that, go to hell. Seriously, if you have any suggestions on what I should call this instead of generic "Links", please drop me an email with your ideas. If you come up with something good and I use it, you'll be rewarded with loads of glowing praise from yours truly. Well, that, or half the profit I make from this email...your choice. Anyways, here's da links.


Gillette seeks to increase razor sales to women with their new vibrating razor...and to cut into the profit of adult sex toy stores too, apparently.

Hehe...it's only about 2 years too late, but this little flash movie is pretty damn funny.

Zee Germans want more Rammstein and less Britney Spears. I'm o.k. with that, but only if they stop sending us their German shize porn videos.

It's nice they got a scholarly opinion on the McRib...no, tax money isn't being wasted on wasteful things like educating students or anything.

This is a rather creepy interview from Jessica and Ashley Simpson's father...but hey, the man's right.

Living in an airport would suck...but given the choice between that or Kenya? At least the airport has a Starbucks.

Hehe...looks like they've been adding some more pictures of this poor kid.

"Give me your gold, old man!" If you're gonna pull that, you better hope they don't know karate.

Where would you find a reality show called "Who's your daddy?" Only on Fox...squeezed between When Animals Attack and World's Scariest Police Chases 7, no doubt.

Santa arrested for drug dealing! Say it ain't so! At least he'll get to experience someone coming down his chimney for a change.

Heart Surgeon doesn't want a McDonald's in the middle of his hospital. I say, why not? At least they'll be close when they have a heart attack...we're talking a one stop shop here.

Well, I've definitely found one thing I DON'T want for Christmas.

If you have your gieger counter, you could go make 2,500 dollars in reward money in Colorado.

"Nudity isn't me," says Lindsey Lohan as she poses for the cover of Entertainment Weekly wearing just pantyhose. Well, I guess pantyhose is clothing...technically...

The Oxford dictionary has decided to get with the times and add such words as "hoochie" and "crack ho"...word.

A lingerie store will have pole dancing strippers in their front window to attract clients this Christmas season. You know, that would work for lots of other stores, like Best Buy or Barnes and Noble...

Let me get this straight...the Canadian Prime Minister doesn't want to put any money into our missile defense system, not have any missiles located on their land but wants to have a say in how it's done? Can we start an embargo against these people?

Remember that cop who liked to urinate in the elevator? Turns out he suffers from a medical condition...although I'm not sure stupidity really qualifies.

Well, you learn something new everyday. Apparently, grenade fragment armor isn't the same as bullet armor...the guy in this story learned the lesson too...but he really doesn't have time to implement it now.

I was listening to a 70's station this morning when this song by Carly Simon came on, "You're so Vain." The main lyric is,"You're so vain/I bet you think this song is about you/don't you, don't you?" Isn't the fact that she's asking a question evidence that the song is, in fact, about him? Is she being ironic in this song or just stupid? Maybe this is just an example of female logic.



Have you ever wondered what those rich geeks who made a mint off the tech bubble do for fun?

This is an example of how not to play a practical joke. Dressing up like a terrorist and scaring people with guns isn't the safest pasttime.

Well...there you go. Yet another public service completed due to that miracle drink, alcohol.

Double your pleasure, double your fun...

This article isn't all that great...I just like the headline...

Doesn't getting married usually result in this already?

Hehe...hoist by his own petard...err...ducttape. This is what should happen to criminals. We need to bring the stocks back.

Ahhh yes...wise words to live by. Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow.

This sounds like the new fat excuse...you know, the I'm not fat, I'm big boned? It's not a toom-mah!

Wow...maybe Blockbuster isn't an evil empire afterall. The thing is, without late fees, how will they possibly make a profit? Oh yeah...the 5 dollar rental fees...

What the heck? Man bites dog? What kind of psycho is this guy? He looks like a member of N Sync, too.

Yeah, I'd have to pass on dipping my willy into a scalding hot cup of tea. What good is a million bucks gonna do if that don't work?

Looks like Denny Neagle's hook up with an hooker is going to disqualify his name being on a new baseball field. Well, let's just hope they don't name it after Barry Bonds.

Here's a follow up to that silly story about that girl getting arrested for carrying scissors to school. Cops said,"Sorry, our bad."

This judge thought he was the second coming of Al Jolson. He should know only Ted Danson can get away with doing a blackface routine...after all, he's a liberal.

Hehe...the obligatory "Japanese people are crazy" link of the day. If they really want to learn how to truly say the word Ho, they need to listen to more rap music.

Yeah, I can see how you could accidentally distribute a satanic sex calendar to Junior High School kids. Apparently, this school police officer CAN'T READ!!!

Now THAT'S a bonfire. I love this quote,"He loves children and he's beating himself up pretty bad. It was just a freak accident." Oh yeah, who knew a plastic container with diesel fuel thrown onto a raging fire would explode. Seriously, what are the odds?

Useless study of the day: Women with breast implants have higher suicide risk. Luckily, drowning themselves is almost impossible.

Lesson number 42 in selling drugs; do NOT use a sheriff's front yard as your exchange point.

Damn...Santa went off on a ho, ho ho!

Jean Claude Van Damme demonstrates his humility while claiming to be a superhero...yeah, maybe Aquaman.

This is pretty funny. A Hummer2 managed to get caught onto a tree stump and had to be rescued by an old jeep.

I'd make fun of these "bear guys," but the guy in yellow looks like he could kick my ass...so I'll have to just snicker behind his back.

Ladies...would you like to collect child support without that pesky child to take care of? Check this story out.

Oh sure...a private bowling alley is a pretty good gift, but it can't compare with my 20 dollar gift certificate for Sam Goody!

Hey...if Trishelle from MTV Real World can sell herself on ebay, why not a judge?

This might be a joke...but how long before it becomes a serious movement? Especially with those clowns at PETA campaigning for fish rights.

Damn...that's the second biggest baseball bat I've ever seen.

Ozzy Osborne to star in the musical stage version of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...I for once have nothing to say. How do you top that?

The good news is Tom Wolfe won a sex award...the bad news is, well...

What a freak accident...I'd feel really bad for the guy if he wasn't a Frenchman...so I'll just laugh at him instead.

Just in case you were looking for the best heroin in the states...road trip to New Jersey!

I think this is what happened to the A-Team. Damn that Colonel Decker! Why can't you just leave B.A., Hannibal, Face and Murdock alone!

I guess this goes to show that any man that represents himself has a fool for a lawyer. Schmuck.

Wonderbras recalled due to them exploding open...what a silly reason.

Wow...a deer managed to go through the front windshield, through the passenger area and out the back window...that would be the coolest thing you would ever see.

It's nice that you can still be rude in this country and not get sued. Still, I'd be careful about pissing off Jason Voorhies mother...he can't be stopped with conventional weapons and he's really good with a machete.

Hey Carol...if living in Chicago gets too expensive, you could always try this form of cheap housing.



This is a good way to go out...with a song!

It's the most deadliest time of the year,
with the blood flow a slowing
your hearts will be blowing
they'll be no next yeeeaaaar!!!!
it's the most deadliest time of the year.

Poor Scott Peterson...if only he had shown remorse, the jury would have let him off the hook. I guess he never read Alber Camus' "the Stranger"...


You know those creepy ipod advertisements with the bright colors and the shadowy figures? Apparently you can make your own...for a small fee.

I guess China watches Fox for inspiration. I know I never miss The Swan. I'm sure Moody would like this competition; he loves what he refers to as "after market asians."

Rule # 2 in bank robbing...DO NOT write your name on the back of a stick up note.

Have you ever wanted to know how to pull off gang signs in the correct fashion? Well, here's your chance.

I'm really not a big fan of soccer...but I love soccer jerseys. How can you not? Especially with jerseys like the Sports Boys of Peru.

Screw you Brent Bozell! Grand Theft Auto isn't damaging to the youths of America...it's a potent crime fighter!

Is it just me, or does this plan for traffic lights sound like a recipe for disaster? I mean, it would take, what, 5 minutes for some punk hackers to figure out how the destroy traffic all day long.

I'm not sure if this is real...but COOL!

I think we're gonna need a bigger boat...

I dunno how safe this is giving coffee to elephants...I mean, it'll stunt their growth.

The "Japanese people are entirely crazy" link of the day...pillows shaped like a woman's lap.

This may be the dumbest arrest of all time...this is what we get when you combine that stupid zero tolerance policy and CSWB. "Carrying Scissors While Black."

This guy is bad ass...not only is he still serving in the army at 70 years old in Afghanistan...he's also an oral surgeon. I wouldn't mess with him...

The lesson of this story seems to be, never help out a supermodel. You'll regret it.

Apparently the animal kingdom didn't get my message either...Old people will fuck you up.

I'm not entirely surprised by this...after all, those can, do, those who can't, teach. Apparently, we've reached the point where those who can't teach go to Florida.

Is that a snake in your package, or are you just happy to see me?

This story is just bizarre...until you factor in that it happened in Ireland. Let's just say a lot of drinking goes on in Ireland.

I'm so glad I don't smoke...because it's only a matter of time before the idiots in charge of our state pull something like this. At least this will encourage the black market cigarette sales...

And for the last link...here' s a list of trends to invest and lose your money in this new year 2005.

I hope everyone had a good weekend. Mine was quite fun...in fact, I need another day or so off to recover. If you only check out one link, you need to see the Rock, Paper, Scissors link. You'd think it was a joke...but you'd be wrong.



This looks like my place after a Thursday night of my friends over...well except for all the facial hair. I'm pretty clean shaven.

Have you ever heard how they say that Hitler decided to take over the world and murder lots of people because he was a failed artist? This helps out the theory a bit.

Well, now we have the official Father of the Year award recipient. People are so naturally good, it makes me cry.

You may have seen or heard about this...but if not, watch and learn. This is a good example of how not to be a parent.

I guess mailmen all over the world are crazy bastards. Still, how much of this undelivered mail was actual correspondence? Surely you don't need 2,000 credit card applications.

I'm glad that I finally figured out who this Tommy Lee guy is...of course, I originally had THOUGHT he was a porn star. Go figure.

I'm gonna have to be careful the next time I walk into Starbucks next time. That, or just ask them to hold the animal droppings...if you wanna buy some...well, go here. Sicko.


It's no surprise being a computer geek isn't good for your sex life...but this will make me think twice about using my laptop. O.K., thought about it. It's worth it.

Italian shoe firm inspired by Punky Brewster now selling shoes individually. There's this one time I went out with two different shoes on...you know what? Let's just let that one go.

Hehe...I have a friend that once tried to use a driver's license from a go cart racing place as a real I.D., but this is inspired.

Yet another reason to be proud to be an American. This is why the British are a bunch of pussies...they're not even allowed to defend their own home.

This is interesting...a court actually refused to let a man get divorced again...stating he wasn't enough of a celebrity, probably.

This story is great. A Yankee fan faked an injury in order to watch game 7 of the ALCS...actually, let me quote, in his words, "Girlfriends come and go, but these kind of games only come once in a lifetime."

My dad used to send his car payment to Wells Fargo by spitting on the check, slapping the pay slip on top, then repeatedly stapling the envelope that is clearly marked, "Do Not Staple." As you can tell, he wasn't a fan of the bank. I think this man took things to a whole other level...as only a head doctor can.

Hmmm...I wonder if Ron Artest is now going to do a commercial saying,"I AM a role model. If someone messes with you, jump into the stands and fuck him up! But if you want great prices on all the new electronics and games, not to mention my new album, come to Circuit City!"

Gee...this story about anime catching on is only about 20 years too late. I guess they missed out on that whole Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Transformers, Voltron, Robotech, Speed Racer stuff that's been on television since I've been alive.

Here's a funny story about a man with no sense of humor...who is probably a paranoid fool.

Sometimes I think the Russians are on to something, but then I realize they're a bunch of commie losers. But still, really, what good is a car alarm? Do you run and call the cops when an alarm goes off?

Damn...those Muslims are even taking over Italy. At least they're pissing off the Vatican...they have that going for them.

I wanna be called Master Roshambollah...but I suck at Rock, Paper, Scissors. Just in case you thought that curling was the stupidest sport of all time... Speaking of which...he Brett...is that Ben Stein a stage name? I didn't know you were in the World RPS Society! If you'd like to compete, be sure to try the online trainer. Man...this site is the gift that keeps on giving. O.K., I promsie, this is the last one. But come on, Saddam playing Rock, Paper, Scissors!

In some actual good news, it appears they may have found a way to cure tuberculosis...no really, no joke.

Finally...Friday is here. Enjoy it while it lasts.

This reminds me of last weekend...at least I didn't have sushi.

Yet another foolish criminal that has yet to head my warning...Old people will fuck you up.

Just in case you were thinking of jumping onto the bandwagon of the next big movement...it seems it's nudism.

O.K., now that's pretty funny. If the Vatican is mad about it, that's a good sign.

Well, there you go. Left handers not only write funny, they're also more prone to homicidal tendencies. Probably due to using a right handed can opener all the time.

I think George Costanza tried this defense once to prove he wasn't gay...not that there's anything wrong with it...

Dude, I bet Winston would like this article.

Wow...you do this in Russia and you get arrested. You do this on MTV and they give you a television show.

Man attacks clerk with a burger. Hmmm...with what those creepy faux hamburgers are made out of in AM/PM, I wonder if they can charge him with assault with a deadly weapon.

This guy thinks he's found Atlantis in Tampa, Florida. Disney soon to buy up island and start a new theme park.

Somehow this story about fertilizer didn't come out of CBS.

Well, my last fortune said,"Do not dwell on differences with a loved one-try a compromise." I like these ones better.

Something tells me Santa is putting this kid on his naughty list for next year. Threatening to cut off people's heads usually isn't very nice.

If this is her idea of a column, she's too stupid to go to college.

Hmmm...could this be why ODB died? Usually, when you swallow a big bag of cocaine, bad things happen.

It must be Christmas time...because everyone is trying to piss off the Vatican. Hey, let's make fun of the immaculate conception!

Jeez...what is this guy driving? The Batmobile? How do you not notice a guy on the hood of your car?

Finally, a politican doing something useful. Actually, I think theatres should do this on their own, but if they're too useless, then let's start handing out some fines!

Hehe...I guess back in the 13th century, penises really did grow on trees...

It's nice to know Phoenix has such intelligent officials. I think he was inspired by Teen Wolf and attempted to surf on the top of his car...in other words...Evolution in Action.

Remember when you were a kid and they told you not to shove crayons up your nose? This guy never learned that lesson.

For those morbid people out there...unless you're into this sort of thing. Still, those torturers were much more creative than you might think.

This is why America should start taking up smoking again. It's done wonders for the European's physique.

Parents are upset about a sex-ed class giving links to pornography on the internet. Blame Canada, indeed.

I wonder if Naomi Campbell has been teaching these moves to Ron Artest? They'd make a great couple...

This is usually how I travel, eh...

Not for the faint of heart. Babe fights a python, and the python won. That'll do, pig, that'll do.

At least Angelina Jolie had fun making Alexander...I experienced something much different sitting through it...come to think of it, it was probably much like Colin Farrell in this story.

Crime does not pay...mostly because criminals are extremely stupid...

This doesn't sound good...it's not like you can call AAA up in space. OnStar ain't doing you any good without a repair kit.

Wow...jello shots in elementary school? The worst we got was old issues of Playboy...that I sold for a tidy profit...

Huh...japanese women are exporting themselves out for sex...great, how the hell is America gonna compete with that? They're smaller, faster AND more efficient.

Cool! They found Xena, warrior princess in Iran! No sign of lesbian mate, though.

Great...it was only a matter of time before telemarketers went postal. Wouldn't you, with a crappy job like that? The only thing we can do to avoid a crisis is to start hunting them down and killing them now.

This guy attempted to commit suicide with gas, but instead managed to blow up his entire house AND somehow survive. What a total failure he is.

Wow...that cat has more degrees and education than I do! Somebody forward this to Jack...

Jeez, this kid sure one ups Dennis the Menace. I used to get grounded, but it never involved a judge.

Well, I'm all for banning Catcher in the Rye...not because of it's subersive elements, but because it's a crappy book. Shouldn't they be reading Shakespeare or something?

Man wants to build a replica Sandcrawler from Star Wars in his yard. Says a disembodied voice told him,"If you build it, jawas will come." The sad part is that he has 6 kids.

This column by my favorite sports writer is pure comedy...and it has nothing whatsoever to do with sports. Enjoy.

I hate computers! Especially when I'm helping my dad with a problem over the phone.



Now this is cool...Pretty soon you won't have to do any sort of activity to surf the net.

Hey Marlon, there's hope for you yet. Maybe they can use some of that spare tire you have around your waist.

Cheech and Chong were apparently trying to help out the less needy...I'm sure it was for medical purposes, of course.

What do you do when a drunk, half naked woman walks into your house? Call the cops, apparently.

Wow...I don't know how I missed out on this tourist attraction when I was driving up north last time. I wonder if they decorate it for Christmas?

This girl needs to win the Sister of the Year award. If I was going to dispose of my brother, I'd at least bury him...with lime.

For those of you who still can't accept that George Bush won re-election, here's a new conspiracy for you to follow...

This story is just bizarre...I guess those email scams just aren't working out very well; they've been reduced to stealing coffins.

I'm sure this guy is all broken up about his divorce, too. Well, those 20 million dollars should keep him warm at night...

...speaking of awards...here is our Grandma of the Year award. I love this quote,"She also stated that she would rather be in jail than take care of these children," an investigator wrote in the affidavit.

Didn't Fox try this and fail miserably? Well, I wouldn't be surprised if they were married 50 years from now. Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if they pull a Britney Spears either.

O.K., they gave peace a chance. Now what? Did I mention I was going to Thailand next year?

Uhhhh....right. Kelly Osborne is just big boned; it works for Eric Cartman.

Hehe, that crazy Sprewell. Maybe if he practiced that "sex act" he was referring to, well, it's one way to feed your family.

Hmmm...the Mary Kay Letourneau of the week...with a twist. I like the whole lesbian/pagan rituals angle added. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to fit my criteria; I only support gay marriage if both the chicks are hot.

So, who wants to run a start up company in China?

I dunno...that sounds like a lot of oral history with Ted Kennedy. I mean, how many rape charges do we need to hear about at the Kennedy Compound, anyways?

Wow...I guess there is a whole lotta money in online casinos...the ghost cane AND the Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich...they need to set up a cabinet of curiosities somewhere, maybe next to the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.

Hey! I finally found out who that guy Tommy Lee is! Look, he's even reuniting with his band...I hope they tour in Los Angeles!

Yeah, I don't understand either. Why wouldn't you want to give a hunting license to a man who can distinguish between a deer and another hunter? It makes things more exciting out there.

I should say something interesting here...but I'm not going to today. Oh yeah, Happy Birthday, Tristan. Today is the day, right?


I don't remember stuff like this happening when I played little league baseball...maybe it only happens at hockey games; she was probably just trying to put it on the glass.

See what happens when the government gets involved in salaries? I'm glad I'm not German. Oh wait...my Mom's maiden name is Spiker...

Speaking of government efficiency...someone took National Treasure a little to seriously, I guess.
More great advice from this Tommy Lee guy...whoever he is.

Damn...now that's a celebration! I bet next time he just sticks with a fist pump.

Wow, that's the first time I've ever heard of a benevolent casino. I wonder how these three came up with this Mission Impossible style grift?

This is interesting...but I can understand it. I wish I had an escalator in my house.

I'm not sure Kevin Costner belongs on this list...I don't really think of him as cheesy...just sad and pathetic.

I"m not sure anybody would wear this unless they had to ride the short bus to school with the "exceptional" kids.

Yeah, I'd hate a book that helped jumpstart a dying tourist trade in my country too. God, I hate the French.

One more example that the Japanese are completely insane. Still, I love the condom outfits.

Here's an interesting one. Frenchman shot in the butt with his own rifle. Promptly surrenders. God, I hate the French.

This story about a man running off with the daughter of his fiancee makes me miss the Jerry Springer show.

Uh oh...I hope they're not on to me. It's a lot harder hiding a 7 foot statue than you think.

More ebay strangeness...I like how they start the sale with,"This is not a joke." Yes...yes it is.

What's up with Stevie Wonder doggin' on Eminem? He doesn't owe his success to poor black people; poor black people don't buy his albums! He owes his success to middle class wiggas who think he's cool and have lots of money to waste!

Well, I'm sure glad there are unions to fight for the little man on important subjects like dress code. I, for one, like to keep my shirt untucked too.

I guess this is their idea of rehabilitation in our prison systems. At least with games like Hitman, you know they're learning a new trade.

Yikes...if this is true, ladies, just say NO to Lima time!

Damn...too late to bid on this puppy. You're the best, around...

One more bit of fake news...about those bozos striking in New Jersey.

"This team is one execution away from being a very good basketball team."
-- Doc Rivers on the Celtics

Hehe...I still say Ricky Davis isn't that bad. I mean, he's no Ron Artest.


It's been a while since I've posted here on anything going on in my life for a while; that's mostly because I'm bitter about the blogspot crapping out in the middle of a long post. I guess I'll just have to keep them a little shorter. This weekend was the birthday celebration of 4 of our friends...yeah, that's just great. I think maybe we should just pick a day in the middle of the year and celebrate everyone's birthday and get it over with. Either way, we ended up going to K-town to a Korean bbq. Now, I dunno about you, but if you have to cook your own damn food, should it cost you over 30 bucks to have dinner? Imagine if they ACTUALLY cooked it for you...it would be 50 dollar Lawry's. Anyways, afterwards, since that bastard Marlon wanted to sing some crappy songs, we ended up going to some Korean kareoke bar. This is when soju became heavily involved...wow, what a terrible decision this was. Since I am barely over a really bad stomach flu that my little brother Grant gave to me while I was up north, pounding shot after shot of dangerous alcohol really wasn't the best thing to do. Needless to say, I didn't borrow that alcohol for very long...I left it in several bathrooms, in the parking lot, on the freeway, out front of my door...I couldn't even open the front door when I got back. Chow had to get my keys and unlock it before I fell down and passed out. Not good times...bad times. But before that, it was pretty cool. I mean, Marlon sang Wind of Change by the Scorpions...how bad could it have been? He also had to toss his cookies as well...luckily I didn't have to watch that. What was pretty funny was the fact that when I finally got back to my place and had to throw up a little more, that managed to get to Mr. T finally and he let loose on the other side. I was waiting for Chow to join in and recreate that barfing scene from Stand By Me...

Monday is here...oh goody. I hope you all had a good weekend. My public service announcement today would have to be this, don't drink soju. It's bad mojo.



You say napalm, I say Mark 77...it still blows shit up and then burns it to a crisp.

Some of you know about the fact that Tristan is a screenplay writer who has written a wonderful movie named Demon Slayer. I hear tell that he wrote another action packed movie recently under a pen name...I, for one, am excited to see this.

Hehe...poor Germans...no wonder they keep trying to take over the world. Penis envy.

We need to revoke this boy's manhood. Why the hell would he want to help out women on something as stupid as a toilet seat? They'll only find something else equally stupid to complain about.

That crazy Einstein...if he's so smart, why would he waste alcohol like this?

Apparently, all the Nazis moved to the Netherlands...them and the crazed film murdering muslims that aren't in Iraq. Don't get sick there, they may just decide to put you out of their misery.

Wow...I bow down to the Yale pranksters...We Suck, indeed.

This robber needs a class in gun safety. He could seriously hurt someone.

Movies online aren't usually my thing...but this guy is cool. I could spend 18 years and not finish a Rubix Cube, 18 seconds is impressive.

This is a case of god having a sense of humor. I'm sure this monk isn't laughing anymore, though.

It's called New York changing...but it hasn't changed much in 70 years.

Wow...this is cool...now all I need is a chicken.

Arrested for too much cheer? I guess they drink because their football teams stinks.

A marriage that was over before the reception? Britney Spears, eat your heart out. I think he got it wrong...you're supposed to marry a woman 15 years younger, not older. She looks like his high school teacher.

Uh huh...yeah, we used to play games like this in school too. My favorite was the "getting kicked in the head game."

I guess the saying should be amended, Nothing is sure in life except death and taxes...and traffic tickets.

Wow...first Directv, now this. Flying might actually not be torture in the near future. All they need now are those massaging chairs from Sharper Image.

I can understand the drunk driving on a tractor...but what's with the kitten?

This is a homeowner with some serious bad luck. Are you even insured from flaming tires?

A couple of criminals that haven't heeded my warning about old people...they'll fuck you up.

Hehe...yeah! Stick it to the man! These arrogant government officials; they can't reject legal tender for payment.

I suppose this beats collecting stamps...but you better hope nobody gets a hold of one.

Happy, happy Friday is here. Here's the usual stuff to check out. Oh, one more thing. I went to the Bowers Museum down in the O.C.( bitch!) to check out the Queen of Sheba exhibit from the British History Museum collection. It was pretty cool, nothing spectacular, but afterwards I wandered into another exhibit called Bridges with photography by Phil Borges. He travels to various third world countries and takes pictures of the people and gives you a little info on his subjects below. The pictures are so sharp and mesmorizing that I found myself stuck in there longer than the actual exhibit I went to see. Anyways, if you're down there, it's well worth visiting.


Well, I dunno about how deep their relationship was, but this seems reasonable to me. Have you ever hung out at an airport for 13 hours?

I can't believe those weird British folk. If Paris Hilton had done this, it would have been sold on the internet with her other videos.

If I were a rock star, I'd try to have every picture taken of me before I was famous destroyed. Otherwise, I might end up on a website like this. Rock that pink blouse, Tommy Lee!

Mmmm....maybe a bloody corpse isn't the best way to advertise your product...unless you're selling assault rifles or something.

This is what happens when you do everything a computer tells you to do. Remember the lesson of the Terminator, folks. Computers are evil.

I definitely vote for over with the toilet paper. Why would you have it as under? That just makes everything more difficult! Why are we having a toilet paper debate? I guess we can blame Seinfeld!

This is a pretty cool list of the best inventions of 2004. Still, it's gonna be hard to top the year of the Tivo.

A follow up to that "boobgate" story with the Dutch actress that had an x-ray of her breasts to prove they're real. Apparently, that's not allowed in the People's Republic of Netherlands. I thought all that health care was free, anyways? Personally, I think their police should be more concerned with keeping terrorist muslims from brutally murdering their filmmakers than a woman's breasts.

Taking the doll craze in new and interesting ways...get this this Christmas gift for that budding lesbian friend of yours.

That's just great...Kris Benson must be really proud of his wife and her giving ways. (hat tip to Jon)

Somebody has been playing Grand Theft Auto too much. How does a guy not named Lance Armstrong get away on a bicycle?

Here's my nomination for Parents of the Year.

Dumbass...I say they agree only if he stays there for a year.

Oh great...one more thing to worry about killing me. Where's my toothbrush?

Talk about getting caught with your pants down...

The first lesson of selling drugs is to not have police officers as your clients.

I guess INXS was inspired by American Idol...although it sounds more along the lines of the Real Gilligan's Island in quality.

This is about the only thing that can get me interested in skiing...I hate snow.

Wow...just in case you didn't think Ron Artest was crazy after the whole beating up a random fan in Detroit...this is just too great. Not only is he certifiably insane, but he's also cheap. "Hi, I'm Ron, let me show you what new car stereos we just got in..."

Huh...this must be why Moody likes Lindsey Lohan so much...maybe she can cover "Smoked Two Joints" for her next album...

A toilet, huh? That's about what I think of modern art. Although, I do have to say, Duchamp is quite a character and his Dada art movement was more of a joke that those foolish art critics took serious.

Hehe...someone pass him the bong to shut his trap. Everyone's a philisopher at 2 in the morning...

I'm sure there's a good explanation for this. Eminem is just a pretty guy.




O.K...I don't normally put jokes in here, especially dirty ones...but this one's too good.

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the street. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat."Where to?" he stammered."Midland Station," answered the woman."You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the fuck are you looking at, driver?""Well missus, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

Hehe...Robin Hood he is not. I dunno about you, but my phone usually breaks if it falls 5 feet...I can't see this being an effective idea.

Wow...I thought our movie prices were expensive in the States, but 18.55 in England? I hope that comes with a beer or something.

This is interesting. Too bad Christopher Reeves couldn't hang on a couple more months.

This is a good idea, if only to keep the population down in India. Then again, what else do they have to do in a third world country? They sure ain't playing video games or watching the O.C.

Yeah, this article must have been written and researched by a gamer.

Are we Americans just stupid about geography or just apathetic? I don't know and I don't care.

This just in...jumping from cliffsides is dangerous.

First known printed pornography being auctioned in England. Unfortunately, being it's English, it's of course about man-man love.

I'm glad we live in America and not New Zealand, where they can censor fine games like Postal 2.

She apparently learned her lessons in celebrity from the movie Chicago.

If you're looking for Christmas gifts for muslim children...ummm...well...it's not exactly Barbie, but I guess it'll do.

Holy crap...Pat Morita must be turning in his grave right now...what, he's still alive? Are you sure?

Sure, lives were saved...but at what cost!?!

I dunno who these guys are, but they've obviously seen that movie Alexander one too many times.

This is funny...what would have been ironic is if his ticket had been stolen.

Wow...talk about holding a grudge...the Templars must have been emboldened by the Da Vinci Code.

This is kind of sad, but I'm optimisitc it'll start up again.

This has to be the biggest dumbass of the week...unless Ron Artest makes another appearance on t.v.

Now that's an idea...but what's to stop the drunkard from just getting someone else's phone?

Man...these chicks are weird...why don't they just read a Fabio novel like they're supposed to?

This seems to take all the fun out of gunning down a defenseless animal. Still, who doesn't love video games?

Sure, this beats blowing people up, but not by much. What's next? A bowling alley in Kabul?

As if actual student drivers weren't dangerous enough...

I think I've found the perfect gift for Marlon this year for his birthday. Maybe I should buy the package and give it for Christmas as well.

Hehe...to go along with the "lazy" gene, they've now found the slut gene. It's really true; science is going to eventually prove that we have no free will if we give them another year or so.

I guess Jews really do have a more healthy appreciation of sex than Christians...but they have much goofier names. Shmuley Boteach? Is it a name or a disease?

I guess this is more proof of the Sports Guy's eternal life lesson,"Women ruin everything."

That crazy Paris Hilton...she needs her own television reality show...preferably on the Spice Channel.

Oh yeah, this sounds like the worst drink ever concocted...unless you're trying to keep the vampires away.

For the almost ultimate rush...I guess you have to go to Estonia.

Yet more proof that criminals crawled out of the stupid gene pool. Well, at least he helped the cops remove him from his predicament.

So, what's the prize here, exactly? A shortened prison sentence?

Oh yeah...that's really tasteful, Tatu. Can't you girls go back to kissing each other instead?

Next time you feel the need to critize someone, make sure they don't have a knife in their hands.

I'm sure Carmen knows what speaks on this subject, at least. I'll stick to the drink instead.

Man...compared to these guys, our gang members are a bunch of pussies. Then again, this is the country that has the most baby rapes, so I suppose this is mild for them.

Just like the saying, those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Unless you're in Japan.

This is an interesting story about a structure similar to Stonehenge. Not surprising, as the aliens helped build it. They probably checked out Russia too.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...of course, you probably shouldn't store hundreds of vials of cocaine at your house when you call the cops.

Well, now I know EXACTLY what to get Moody this Christmas!

Ummm...I'm really glad Alyssa Milano can entertain herself, but is that something we really need to know?

Wow...those are some caring bosses...the only question I have is, are they hiring?

I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. I found out how to lose 5 pounds rather effectively on mine. All you need to do is get a crazy stomach flu from your little brother and suffer for the next couple of days. I wouldn't recommend it, but it probably works better than that Atkins thing.


These guys would totally kick ass on Fear Factor.

Uriel would absolutely LOVE this page.

These criminals were obviously inspired by Snatch.

Hehe...M.C. Hammer would be proud.

Huh...more proof that Vanilla Ice is completely crazy. But what I really want to know is, what is the difference between a kangaroo and a wallaby? At least we know what you get when you cross the two.

Wowzers...at least I know what channel to watch when I visit my mom out in Michigan next time.

I could swear that's William Hung 4 over, 7 down. Anybody been in the UK lately?

For those paranoid ones of you...here's a fun game to think about how far you need to get away from a nuclear blast.

This is the cake I'm getting Moody next year. Although maybe I should rethink that...he might try and smoke it...

Alright...this guy's a little too clever...I can't add anything to upstage this...dammit...

I would have rather seen how the hell this car got into that space...but wow, that's physics defying shit...

New employment opportunities for Jack in Amsterdam. It's nice to know that nuns are finally entering the 21st century.

I sure hope she has some regular shot of these puppies...just to make sure that the x-rays are real and all. You know...for science.

This lady found a new way to spice up your turkey for thanksgiving...pretty much the only good use for a chihuahua.

Now this is cool...you too can have some of the benefits of a Vampire, without the blood of virgins. I mean, how easy is it to get virgin blood nowadays, anyway?

This man needs to be severely beaten. I'd definitely egg is house.

Damn that Google...giving away porn for free! What's this world coming to? You're gonna put all the smut peddlers out of business, then where will we be? Stuck with the Family Channel!

Is this a toy asking for a lawsuit, or what? I can imagine it'll be a popular game for drunk college students, though.

I guess he finally heard about that tech bubble popping...hey, at least he got to drive around in a ferrari for a while.

Yet another lawsuit waiting to happen..I'm still waiting for that Michael Vick football ride though...

I don't know karate, but I know crraaaazy!!

He's apparently not a follower of the Clinton form of government.

I hope my dad's neighbors up in Oakland haven't read this article yet, or my internet access is going to be seriously limited when I go up again.

Well, at least we aren't the fattest country in the world. They must have a lot of McDonald's down under. That or too much shrimp off the barbi.

Man...these kids are too stupid to be in college.

I guess since that whole gay marriage monopoly didn't pan out, San Fran needs new ways to rape their citizens.

Oooohhhh...so THAT'S where my second floor went to. I've been wondering about that.

This might be cool if it was Hooters Airlines...but have you ever actually seen the people who show up to nude camps? Ewww...at least they wouldn't have to serve food on the plane.

Now...if they can only figure out how to apply this to movie theatres...

Wow...how did my mom get nominated as the British Health Secretary?

It's nice to know that the most well paid athlete in the world is a really hot chick. Tiger just did nothing for me.

I don't know about you, but I'm absolutely shocked, SHOCKED, that there is pornography on this internet thingie.

I bet if this happened more often, thievery would drop dramatically. Plus, the fish would be well fed.

Dr. Nick from the Simpsons strikes again. I dunno about you, but I really want to know how a spatula helps in a breast implant.

Whoops...hehe...well, he got some permanent help nonetheless.

Don't mess with the elderly...they'll fuck you up.

No wonder those Swiss are so calm and orderly...not too mention love chocolate.

That's amazing! Now, all they need to do is get a life...

Now...where exactly are you supposed to shoot? I see the goal, but what's with the two holes?

How the heck does a man walk down the street with no pants? Oh, right, this is in New York.

This would explain so much...I'd go into more detail...but eh...

What a chump...what kind of man can't drive a stick?

Jeez, obesity seems to be a problem everywhere now...well, except for Ethiopia...hehe, I'm going to hell.

Yeah, I guess being part of the Bin Laden fan club would make it hard to catch him.

Does this really require a survey? It's like finding out that fire is hot.

While this is probably the only way you can interest me in actually going fishing, that's a bit pricey. I might as well go to Spearmint Rhino and save 500 bucks.

I think Dr. Ian Malcolm said it best,"I'll tell you the problem with the scientific power that you're using here: it didn't require any discipline to attain it. You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn't earn the knowledge for yourselves, so you don't take any responsibility for it. You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could and before you even knew what you had you patented it and packaged it and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now you're selling it, you want to sell it!"

This is just too weird...and too easy. Just read it.

Wow...look at her huge...tracts of land!

I don't see the big deal...he was just trying to support single mothers.

For those of you who think their cell phones are waaaay too small.

I'm not sure which part is more disturbing; that someone would steal naked garden gnomes...or that someone went out of their way to make them in the first place.

Hmmm...this is a great use of public money. I would like to submit my name to do all the really in depth research on this subject.

Hey, hey, hey! There's enough scantily clad hot chicks for every restaurant. No need for Johnny Cochrane.

Nooooooo!!!! Say it ain't so, Raimi, say it ain't so!

Yeah...that penguin sure looks shifty. I can understand the caution needed with these toys.

That is what's so great about Catholic school...the fun loving nature of the teachers.

Now if they can only figure out how to trick the homeless into those freezers. That might improve Berkeley.

Sometimes married couples don't part even after death. At least she didn't stuff and mount him.

Wow...I'd hate to meet the other teachers that didn't make this list. What, do they have Hannibal Lecter teaching over there or something?

Gee, I used to just get grounded. Then again, we didn't have leaves that needed to be raked. I suppose I should be grateful.

Hehe...I wonder if they deliver?

She forgot to also sue God for allowing such a terrible thing to happen.

I think there might be a little piggie in the market for a house like this.

Wow...Phoebe Cates' story in Gremlins was true after all!

I think this happened to Goofy in a Disney cartoon once...unfortunately, this guy wasn't a cartoon.

I got a name for this class. It's called, quit going to McDonald's.

Hehe...I sure hope this club is on the ground floor...speaking of which, what the hell is a "vivacious plus-size woman?"

I think Jesus would have offered wine instead, but it is a bunch of Aussies.

Yeah...I agree with the Prince. If they wanted to be special, they should have been born into the Royal family, dammit!

Damn the NBA! Why are they bringin' down Mark Cuban for? If you want to fine him for something, fine him for that hairdo!

Sure, it sounds cool, but if you cut your finger, just stick to the bandaids.

I guess you really can sue over anything.

...and they say people don't have fun in Texas. Well, apparently they don't.

Even in death he's a bastard. That's probably why my computer is running so slow today.

Wow...that R. Kelly is in more films than Paris Hilton. I wonder if he was practicing "water sports" in this one as well.

Wow...this guy is so going to hell. Read the last part of the sale.

Well, they better send him to Big Gay Al's place.

I can understand playing football, hell even golf on an Xbox...but yoga? That's like making a videogame where you go to the gym and lift weights.

Hello...Is it me you're looking for? Because I wonder where you are...oh, you're in jail? How the hell did that happen?

Poor R. Kelly...still getting mocked. What did he ever do to deserve this? Oh, right...that.

Oh sure...you have the old lady strip down to look for weapons and contraband, but you let a DEER into the airport? What...he had proper identification on him?

I hope this doesn't give Germany any bright ideas regarding Auschwitz...

You know...that's not a bad idea for politicians. I know I'd take notice if strippers were handing out election material.

Take this to the next woman that complains about her butt being big. Maybe Sir-Mix-A-Lot really was on to something.

Oh yeah...and in case you were ever wondering what all those rappers real names were(don't pretend, you know you want to know), here is a helpful list.

It's certainly tragic, but hey, at least they were in the right company. How much do you want to bet alcohol was involved somehow?

Hehe...69...well, I guess I can understand where they're coming from. It sure sounds like a fun place, though.

As Homer Simpson once said,"In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"

Now THAT'S an exciting soccer match!

I dunno what's with the disrespect to the Doc, but 50 cent apparently isn't all talk.

Maybe she'll write a book about how to survive prison now.

Cool! I've always loved golden arches. Would you like fries with that shake...oh, forget that last one.

I'm not really surprised...but the last line says it all. "Well, these documents do explain one thing," said Kowshik. "I always wondered how AOL managed to maintain a customer satisfaction rate of 40%. Now we know exactly which 40% of their client base that is."

What is it with women wanting to get into men's locker rooms, but we're not allowed into theirs?

How much do you wanna be alcohol factors into this survey?

Jeez...Dr. Nick from the Simpsons strikes again. "Stab marks? I thought they were wrinkles!"

I was only a matter of time before phone ads ventured into porn.

With employees like that, I bet that office building has never gotten robbed.

Darn...this story turned out to be a hoax. Unlike Dan Rather and the C-BS news, I make corrections. Still...69...hehe...

I don't know how the hell I missed this...but that line about it being impossible to understimate the intelligence of people seems to be proven true here. One thing I did learn from this seller, though, is that Mary is apparently the patron saint of Gambling.

Gee...and I would have thought she'd be easily accepted into Harvard.

Man...this guy must collect a fortune in loose change! That's why he's diving into fountains, right?

Holy crap! I may have to take up bowling again! If anybody is looking for a Christmas gift for me...

Chih Hao...you need to stop falling asleep at the wheel!

There's a lot of facial shots today...I wonder what's going on?

Wow...now that's adventure! I dunno about the selling your possessions and walking the earth like Kane, but I guess you gotta do what ya gotta do.

I dunno...this didn't seem to do much for my friend Uriel...

Somebody forward this to Jack. I think I found a way for him to make money that doesn't involve him doing any actual work.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Medieval Times got it wrong with serving Coca Cola, but this is grounds for an entire article? Slow news day.