Chapter 1
I figure I will start with my own summary of the actual book, and then add notes from the lecture afterwards to see how much insight and nuances and bullshit I missed on my own. I have to note that the grammar structure in this book is highly confusing; it's hard to tell who's speaking half the time as Joyce doesn't use quotation marks and often breaks into sentences with a He Said, then continues on with the actual quote. I've heard this book described as having an experimental style, and so far, I'd say that experiment is a damn failure unless the goal was the confuse the hell out of your audience.
Book Summary:
The book opens with two men standing on a parapet of some sort, one working a bowl of lather as he prepares to shave. His name is Malachi "Buck" Mulligan, a plump medical student who apparently speaks several languages including Greek, and he calls out to the other, a young morose writer named Stephen Dadelus, to join him as he conducts a strange, mock religious ceremony. Emphasis on the mock part, as he refers to Stephen as a fearful jesuit multiple times througout the chapter. Stephen expresses his displeasure with the third man staying with them, an Englishman named Haines, and Buck does his best to gloss over the subject.
In the course of shaving, it's revealed that Stephen's mother has just died and Buck callously references an aunt blaming Stephen for her death as he refused to kneel down at her side and pray with her at the end. Throughout the conversation, Stephen continues to have visions of his dead mother in her graveclothes haranguing him for his actions, demonstrating that this young man is suffering from severe guilt, and really needs to lay off the booze if he's continuely seeing visions of a dead woman. I would prefer pink elephants, myself. Buck senses that Stephen is mad at him and as he presses for an answer, Stephen references his reaction to the news of Stephen's death, feeling insulted by how he was treated. Buck dismisses the event as glibly as possible, and then tells Stephen to quit moping about and cheer up. Stephen reveals that he is getting paid that day, a sum of four soverigns, at which time Buck decides they need to go out and get gloriously drunk, even launching into a song about Coronation Day. (Not too hard to see the reference of a soverign coin and and actual soverign being sworn in on Coronation day; I wonder if that is actual song that people would sing on pay day?)
Their guest, Haines, calls out from below for Buck, and he heads down to start breakfast. Stephen stands on the deck of what is later revealed to be an actual tower that they're renting, known as the Martello towers that were built by the British to fight off a Napoleonic invasion fleet that never actually arrived. After a short daydream, he heads down to help out with the preparation of breakfast as Buck continues to sing and caper about, making up strange rhymes and Irish stories for Haines, who apparently is very interested in the Irish culture and looks to be writing a book about it. Stephen half heartedly helps in his story time, until Buck complains that they're out of milk for their tea and complains the milk lady was late in arrival.
Just as he mentions the lack of milk, the milk lady suddenly appears at the door, refilling their jug and acting quite deferential to both Buck and Haines, but mostly ignoring Stephen. Haines speaks Gaellic to her, but she doesn't understand it, mistaking it for French. After a few lines of idle chit chat, she heads out on her way and they get back to their breakfast. Haines is interested in what insight and stories that Stephen can provide for his book when Stephen wryly asks whether he'd get paid for it. Haines gives a non answer, and then heads outside to get some air while Buck takes the opportunity to berate Stephen for being so blunt about what has been Buck's plan all along. Buck appears to be broke at all times, and even shortchanges the milk lady, so he demonstrates his user mentality fairly blantatly at this point.
They all head outside, Buck to take a swim, while Haines and Stephen have a cigarette and Haines asks Stephen about his Hamlet theory that Buck had brought up. Stephen changes the subject, which end up leading to an interesting line reveal. He says he has two masters, an Italian and a Brit. He calls the Italian a demanding old queen that wants him on his knees, and the Brit is the stand in for the British empire. Obviously, the Italian is his catholicism that he doesn't appear to enjoy, but it guides him in his actions whether he likes it or not. He sounds like many a catholic I've encountered in my life. Haines isn't offended by the British reference, and even condescendingly states how he should feel that way, being an Irishman, and that he as a Brit wouldn't want someone else commanding his country, such as all the German jews attempting to do so back home. As Buck takes a swim, Stephen leaves the key to the tower and a couple of coins at his request, and then heads out, vowing not to come back there that night or home.
Stephen continually refers to usurpers in various points, which I suppose refers to the Brit in his home representing the actual British empire dominating his homeland, and his friend who is quick to take up with Haines in the hopes of a few coin. Apparently, Stephen thinks himself far too principled to sell out his country and his soul, although he makes no effort to stand up to either of the men and acquiesces to their demands without comment. What a pussy.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Great Courses: Ulysses-The Story of a Modern Masterpiece
To combat the boredom of sitting in traffic, I’ve decided to start listening to the Great Courses series to keep me from potentially murdering that one person in the fast lane who loves leaving 10 car lengths in front of them at all times until you attempt to pass. I decided to start with one of my great failures as a reader, that being one of the most interminable slogs I’ve attempted to digest, Ulysses by James Joyce. I’ve decided to start with this for several reasons; I want to finally finish what I started all those years ago, and I’m also heading to Ireland for Thanksgiving on vacation. Being Joyce is one of the most famous of writers from an island known for their writers, I figured it would help me get in the mindset of a Dubliner, so to speak.
To make sure I stick with it and actually learn something, I’ve decided to write up a summary and my thoughts on each part of the lecture as I read along with the book. The lecture series is helpfully broken into parts that discuss each chapter individually, so I’ll be able to do this one piece at a time. Now that I’ve listened to the intro lecture titled The Story of Modern Masterpiece, I think I’m ready to take on this most difficult book.
The professor giving the lecture for this series is James A. W. Heffernan, a professor of English at Dartmouth by way of Georgetown and Princeton, so I half assumed he would be an obnoxious, stuffed shirt droning on and on until I fell asleep and ended up in a five car pileup. Luckily, that expectation couldn’t be farther from the truth. He has a very clear, authoritative voice, and he speaks with passion on the subject, bringing it to life for the listener. After listening to the first part, I’m already motivated to see all the things I’ve missed out on having been unable to tackle this book on my own.
He starts with a short summary of the origins of the book and it’s contemporary reviews. Let’s just say they weren’t particularly kind. Thought of as turgid, pornographic, and confusing(incidentally, these were my first thoughts when trying to read it 15 years ago), it wasn’t received all that well in the literary circles. However, it did pick up several American luminaries that were quite taken with it, such as Ernest Hemmingway, Ezra Pound, and T. S. Eliot. Of course, none of those three is a selling point for me; I don’t much care for poetry and Hemmingway is vastly overrated in my opinion. Written in Paris by Joyce in 1922, it was apparently banned in the United States until 1933 due to the pornographic nature of some of the passages. The lecturer states that it’s probably the first book to have the main protagonist masterbating; I suppose harlequin novels hadn’t quite been developed yet.
The title of the book is interesting as it relates to the story itself. While the book only takes place over one day, June 16th, 1904, now referred to as Bloomsday by fans of the novel and named after the main character Leopold Bloom, the characters parallel the great adventure poem the Odyssey by Homer. Why was the title of the book the Latinized form of the name of Odysseus instead of Greek? Apparently, Joyce never learned Greek, having studied Latin and French, always regretting that he was unable to read the epic poetry in it’s native language. I doubt this makes much of a difference to the novel itself, but it is a rather fascinating look into the writer’s mind. Joyce was introduced to the character Ulysses in a children’s book made up of the various adventures when he was young and he was so taken with the complexity of Ulysses that he used it for the basis of his most respected book.
The lecturer gives a short history of the Odyssey for those that apparently missed that class back in high school, and discusses how the three main characters of the novel are reincarnations of the ancient Greek characters of the ancient poem. Ulysses is represented by Leopold Bloom, a man who doesn’t quite fit into his world due to his heritage. His father was a Jew from the mainland who converted to Christianity in order to marry a Catholic Irish girl, Leopold’s mother. Bloom is not a Jew in any religious sense, but it seems that the ethnicity plays a role throughout the story. Ulysses son Telemachus is represented by the second main character Stephen Dedalus, a young writer who actually appears in a previous novel called Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man (I had no idea Ulysses qualified as a spinoff/sequel-take that Marvel!), a non practicing catholic who is obsessed with said religion, and who is a failed writer descending into alcoholism due to guilt regarding the death of his mother. He apparently becomes a surrogate son to Bloom at some point throughout the novel. The last character who really only appears in one chapter is Leopold’s wife, Molly Bloom. She is representing Ulysses’ wife Penelope, although appears to be quite a bit less chaste, considering Molly is openly having an affair with another man.
Now that the stage is set, the characters are introduced, the only thing left is to actually read the damn thing and listen to the good professor’s interpretations of what James Joyce was trying to say. Being this book is 18 chapters, I have a feeling this is going to take a while. Hopefully, it’s quite the ride.
To make sure I stick with it and actually learn something, I’ve decided to write up a summary and my thoughts on each part of the lecture as I read along with the book. The lecture series is helpfully broken into parts that discuss each chapter individually, so I’ll be able to do this one piece at a time. Now that I’ve listened to the intro lecture titled The Story of Modern Masterpiece, I think I’m ready to take on this most difficult book.
The professor giving the lecture for this series is James A. W. Heffernan, a professor of English at Dartmouth by way of Georgetown and Princeton, so I half assumed he would be an obnoxious, stuffed shirt droning on and on until I fell asleep and ended up in a five car pileup. Luckily, that expectation couldn’t be farther from the truth. He has a very clear, authoritative voice, and he speaks with passion on the subject, bringing it to life for the listener. After listening to the first part, I’m already motivated to see all the things I’ve missed out on having been unable to tackle this book on my own.
He starts with a short summary of the origins of the book and it’s contemporary reviews. Let’s just say they weren’t particularly kind. Thought of as turgid, pornographic, and confusing(incidentally, these were my first thoughts when trying to read it 15 years ago), it wasn’t received all that well in the literary circles. However, it did pick up several American luminaries that were quite taken with it, such as Ernest Hemmingway, Ezra Pound, and T. S. Eliot. Of course, none of those three is a selling point for me; I don’t much care for poetry and Hemmingway is vastly overrated in my opinion. Written in Paris by Joyce in 1922, it was apparently banned in the United States until 1933 due to the pornographic nature of some of the passages. The lecturer states that it’s probably the first book to have the main protagonist masterbating; I suppose harlequin novels hadn’t quite been developed yet.
The title of the book is interesting as it relates to the story itself. While the book only takes place over one day, June 16th, 1904, now referred to as Bloomsday by fans of the novel and named after the main character Leopold Bloom, the characters parallel the great adventure poem the Odyssey by Homer. Why was the title of the book the Latinized form of the name of Odysseus instead of Greek? Apparently, Joyce never learned Greek, having studied Latin and French, always regretting that he was unable to read the epic poetry in it’s native language. I doubt this makes much of a difference to the novel itself, but it is a rather fascinating look into the writer’s mind. Joyce was introduced to the character Ulysses in a children’s book made up of the various adventures when he was young and he was so taken with the complexity of Ulysses that he used it for the basis of his most respected book.
The lecturer gives a short history of the Odyssey for those that apparently missed that class back in high school, and discusses how the three main characters of the novel are reincarnations of the ancient Greek characters of the ancient poem. Ulysses is represented by Leopold Bloom, a man who doesn’t quite fit into his world due to his heritage. His father was a Jew from the mainland who converted to Christianity in order to marry a Catholic Irish girl, Leopold’s mother. Bloom is not a Jew in any religious sense, but it seems that the ethnicity plays a role throughout the story. Ulysses son Telemachus is represented by the second main character Stephen Dedalus, a young writer who actually appears in a previous novel called Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man (I had no idea Ulysses qualified as a spinoff/sequel-take that Marvel!), a non practicing catholic who is obsessed with said religion, and who is a failed writer descending into alcoholism due to guilt regarding the death of his mother. He apparently becomes a surrogate son to Bloom at some point throughout the novel. The last character who really only appears in one chapter is Leopold’s wife, Molly Bloom. She is representing Ulysses’ wife Penelope, although appears to be quite a bit less chaste, considering Molly is openly having an affair with another man.
Now that the stage is set, the characters are introduced, the only thing left is to actually read the damn thing and listen to the good professor’s interpretations of what James Joyce was trying to say. Being this book is 18 chapters, I have a feeling this is going to take a while. Hopefully, it’s quite the ride.
Wednesday, October 01, 2014
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Wow...what a week this has been. Thank goodness it's almost over. There's nothing particularly interesting to write about; it's mostly problems at work that I'd rather stuff wasabi up my nose than rehash here. I did have a basketball game this past Sunday, and we lost. As I've mentioned, I'm fairly terrible, so I'm rarely a factor in whether we are victorious or not. Unfortunately, the usual suspects on our team that actually do possess some basketball acumen started playing down to my level. It's a surprise that we only lost by 6 the way we were playing. In some ways, it's encouraging. We can suck it up and still barely lose a game. Had we played like that last season, we would have lost by 20. Now...well, I guess we lose with more style.
I am saddened today because it's the season finale of my favorite tv show, Burn Notice. This show has single-handedly caused me to start watching television shows again; so, maybe I shouldn't be so sad. I'm watching far more tv now that I did 3 or 4 years ago. Luckily, I have a DVR so I can skip past most of the beer and insurance commercials, but it's starting to hurt my reading time. I seem to only read books now when I go on vacation, and that's a very bad habit. I decided I would list the tv shows that I'm watching right now to see how much of my time I'm wasting.
1. Burn Notice - As I said before, this is currently my favorite show. It's not the best show in writing or acting, but it's the most enjoyable for me. Following a discredited spy who's been thrown out of the CIA and forced to live in his home town of Miami without his identity, it's a cross between the A-Team and I Spy with a splash of MacGyver. Michael Weston, burned spy, solves distressed people's problems with his spy expertise and his two friends, a retired Navy Seal played by one of my all time favorite actors, Bruce Campbell, and his IRA terrorist on again off again girlfriend, played by the sexy Gabrielle Anwar. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...wait, wrong show. Still, Michael Weston's laconic narration about the trials and tribulations of spycraft on a budget are worth watching the show by themselves...well, them and seeing Bruce Campbell be awesome as usual.
2. The Soup - This show has been the most consistently funny half hour on tv for several years now. Hosted by a lanky and pale comedian, Joel McHale, it basically shows hilarious and horrific reality show clips and mocks the shit of them. It's a very simple format that is aped on several other stations, usually with much poorer results. The reason this one works is the writing is quite funny and McHale manages to be a likable asshole doing what is basically an extended version of SNL's Hollywood Minute with David Spade. Spade has the whole asshole thing down, I just wouldn't want to watch him for more than a minute.
3. Supernatural - I stumbled on this show by accident, which you'd have to since it's on the CW. I'm pretty sure most people don't even know what the hell the CW is. When it first aired, it looked like a Buffy clone with hunky guys to appeal to chicks, so I ignored it. After watching the 4th season from the beginning last year, I picked up and devoured the first 3 seasons. The story is about two brother who were raised by their father to be hunters of ghosts and other creepy crawlers. The concept isn't exactly original; I mean, Abbott and Costello made a career out of starring with movie monsters and that Who's on First skit. Still, the writing is top notch and the plot has evolved beyond your everyday monster of the week storyline into one of heaven and hell, angels and demons, and the end of the world. This is straight fantasy with a lot of drama, but also a surprisingly large amount of comedy. I guess it really is kind of a Buffy clone.
4. Psych - I only checked this show out because it was advertised during Burn Notice and I'm quite happy I did. The show follows the misadventures of Shawn Spencer, a super detective masquerading as a psychic for the Santa Barbara police department and his pharmaceutical salesman best friend, Burton Guster. Shawn is a lazy, underachieving loser who gets by on his remarkable perceptions and 80's references. The scripts always feel like they were thrown together in a couple of hours of a case of beer, but that's sort of the charm. The show doesn't take itself seriously and can be hysterically funny. I have no idea how the USA network, home of Silk Stalkings and...I'm not sure what else, somehow managed to end up with two quality tv shows.
5. Bones - I started watching this because David Boreanaz, or Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, was on it. Usually, I ignore CSI, NCIS, Law & Order SUV, or any of the other 300 cop shows. This one is rather entertaining because they concentrate on the quirky characters instead of the "ripped from the headlines" crimes being investigated. The show is titled after the nickname of the lead character Temperance Brennan, the leading forensic anthropologist in the world. Considering that shit sounds made up, she couldn't have had too much competition. Either way, she works for an imitation Smithsonian Museum in D.C. and helps the FBI solve crimes by investigating gory and decomposing bodies. As I mentioned, the crimes are always second to characters which is how I prefer it. Story is king in movies while character is king in television. If I'm going to spend hours with someone, I better damn well like them.
6. Tosh.0 - This is actually another clip show that is a fairly blatant rip off of the Soup, but the reason it works is the same, a hilarious host, Daniel Tosh. Instead of showing tv clips, he uses clips and photos found on the web, as well as a segment which is one of the most creative on any show, the Web Redemption. In it, Tosh will do a comedy segment/interview with web clip "stars" and allow them to make up for whatever reason they ended up on the web in the first place. People like the Tron guy, the 7 year old black kid who stole his grandmother's SUV, Afro Ninja...well, you get the picture. Tosh manages to pull of the likable asshole act as well, although he's a lot darker in his humor than McHale. Any guy who comments about a girl doing competitive cup stacking with, "Okay, we get it. Women are good at putting dishes away" gets a thumbs up in my book.
7. American Idol - Haha...just kidding. That show is fucking terrible. I'd rather watch my balls being crushed by a sledge hammer than watch an elaborate karaoke contest. It's not totally a waste; it sometimes provide entertaining clips for the Soup.
Sigh...I really need to either watch less television, or watch better shows.
I am saddened today because it's the season finale of my favorite tv show, Burn Notice. This show has single-handedly caused me to start watching television shows again; so, maybe I shouldn't be so sad. I'm watching far more tv now that I did 3 or 4 years ago. Luckily, I have a DVR so I can skip past most of the beer and insurance commercials, but it's starting to hurt my reading time. I seem to only read books now when I go on vacation, and that's a very bad habit. I decided I would list the tv shows that I'm watching right now to see how much of my time I'm wasting.
1. Burn Notice - As I said before, this is currently my favorite show. It's not the best show in writing or acting, but it's the most enjoyable for me. Following a discredited spy who's been thrown out of the CIA and forced to live in his home town of Miami without his identity, it's a cross between the A-Team and I Spy with a splash of MacGyver. Michael Weston, burned spy, solves distressed people's problems with his spy expertise and his two friends, a retired Navy Seal played by one of my all time favorite actors, Bruce Campbell, and his IRA terrorist on again off again girlfriend, played by the sexy Gabrielle Anwar. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...wait, wrong show. Still, Michael Weston's laconic narration about the trials and tribulations of spycraft on a budget are worth watching the show by themselves...well, them and seeing Bruce Campbell be awesome as usual.
2. The Soup - This show has been the most consistently funny half hour on tv for several years now. Hosted by a lanky and pale comedian, Joel McHale, it basically shows hilarious and horrific reality show clips and mocks the shit of them. It's a very simple format that is aped on several other stations, usually with much poorer results. The reason this one works is the writing is quite funny and McHale manages to be a likable asshole doing what is basically an extended version of SNL's Hollywood Minute with David Spade. Spade has the whole asshole thing down, I just wouldn't want to watch him for more than a minute.
3. Supernatural - I stumbled on this show by accident, which you'd have to since it's on the CW. I'm pretty sure most people don't even know what the hell the CW is. When it first aired, it looked like a Buffy clone with hunky guys to appeal to chicks, so I ignored it. After watching the 4th season from the beginning last year, I picked up and devoured the first 3 seasons. The story is about two brother who were raised by their father to be hunters of ghosts and other creepy crawlers. The concept isn't exactly original; I mean, Abbott and Costello made a career out of starring with movie monsters and that Who's on First skit. Still, the writing is top notch and the plot has evolved beyond your everyday monster of the week storyline into one of heaven and hell, angels and demons, and the end of the world. This is straight fantasy with a lot of drama, but also a surprisingly large amount of comedy. I guess it really is kind of a Buffy clone.
4. Psych - I only checked this show out because it was advertised during Burn Notice and I'm quite happy I did. The show follows the misadventures of Shawn Spencer, a super detective masquerading as a psychic for the Santa Barbara police department and his pharmaceutical salesman best friend, Burton Guster. Shawn is a lazy, underachieving loser who gets by on his remarkable perceptions and 80's references. The scripts always feel like they were thrown together in a couple of hours of a case of beer, but that's sort of the charm. The show doesn't take itself seriously and can be hysterically funny. I have no idea how the USA network, home of Silk Stalkings and...I'm not sure what else, somehow managed to end up with two quality tv shows.
5. Bones - I started watching this because David Boreanaz, or Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, was on it. Usually, I ignore CSI, NCIS, Law & Order SUV, or any of the other 300 cop shows. This one is rather entertaining because they concentrate on the quirky characters instead of the "ripped from the headlines" crimes being investigated. The show is titled after the nickname of the lead character Temperance Brennan, the leading forensic anthropologist in the world. Considering that shit sounds made up, she couldn't have had too much competition. Either way, she works for an imitation Smithsonian Museum in D.C. and helps the FBI solve crimes by investigating gory and decomposing bodies. As I mentioned, the crimes are always second to characters which is how I prefer it. Story is king in movies while character is king in television. If I'm going to spend hours with someone, I better damn well like them.
6. Tosh.0 - This is actually another clip show that is a fairly blatant rip off of the Soup, but the reason it works is the same, a hilarious host, Daniel Tosh. Instead of showing tv clips, he uses clips and photos found on the web, as well as a segment which is one of the most creative on any show, the Web Redemption. In it, Tosh will do a comedy segment/interview with web clip "stars" and allow them to make up for whatever reason they ended up on the web in the first place. People like the Tron guy, the 7 year old black kid who stole his grandmother's SUV, Afro Ninja...well, you get the picture. Tosh manages to pull of the likable asshole act as well, although he's a lot darker in his humor than McHale. Any guy who comments about a girl doing competitive cup stacking with, "Okay, we get it. Women are good at putting dishes away" gets a thumbs up in my book.
7. American Idol - Haha...just kidding. That show is fucking terrible. I'd rather watch my balls being crushed by a sledge hammer than watch an elaborate karaoke contest. It's not totally a waste; it sometimes provide entertaining clips for the Soup.
Sigh...I really need to either watch less television, or watch better shows.
Monday, March 01, 2010
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| From Funny Pictures |
This should tell you everything about the Spurs chances of a championship this year.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
It's been a while since I wrote one of my crappy movie reviews, but I'm pretty you never really forget; sure it's just like riding a horse. No wait, that's if I fall, I'm supposed to get right back in the saddle. It's a bike that you never forget out to ride. I certainly wouldn't forget; my first bike riding experience ended with 4 stitches in my bottom lip and a couple of freaked out nurses wondering where a small kid can summon such strength trying to escape the man with the needle and thread.
I had been hearing some chatter about this movie Brick, which was said to be a novel take on the classic American detective story. I've read most of everything Dashielle Hammet ever wrote, and Raymond Chandler ain't too shabby, either, so this sounded right up my alley. Some of the best movies of the 40's, hell, of all time, were detective movies. I've watched The Maltese Falcon almost as many times as I've watched the Millennium Falcon. Han Solo wishes he was as bad ass and cold hearted as Sam Spade. Spouting lines like "When you're slapped, you'll take it and like it"and "People lose teeth talking like that. If you want to hang around, you'll be polite," you know he doesn't give a crap. The cynical tough guy with reflexes almost as quick as his witty banter are a staple in these types of movies, and when done right, are a joy to watch. The only problem is, the era of a fedora wearing gumshoe with a bottle of bourbon in his desk are as dead and buried as the WWII generation. You're much more likely to see a fuzzed face, doe eyed, male model that needs a huge shot of testosterone up on the movie screen than you are to see a man that actually looks and acts like a man. With this being the facts of the new millennium, a change of scenery seems fairly appropriate for a modern day detective story.
Brick is your standard murder mystery set within the dark, underbelly of a world infested with violence and drugs. However, in what is actually a fairly clever twist, the world is an average high school. The hero is a cagey loner, who makes it is personal mission to solve the murder of the ex-girlfriend that he still pines for, but had entered a different, more dangerous, high school clique. The setting works for the story; just glancing at the headlines, you can tell high schools are far more dangerous than past generations. With children losing their innocence much earlier and a society that tries to pretend they're little adults, it's certainly believable.
What isn't believable and where the movie makes a serious error, is transporting the machine gun patter and slang of the 40s and putting it into the mouths of these high school kids. Everyone in this film talks and acts as though they're actually in some film noir, black and white drama instead of standing around the parking lot of a generic, suburban, grocery store. Had the screenplay done an actual updating, such as was done with Jane Austen's Emma and placing it in a modern day high school in the film Clueless, this one feels as though the writer originally wrote a standard 40's detective yarn after reading The Long Goodbye, but as an experiment decided to just shoehorn it into the mouths of teens instead. While the dialogue is actually quite good, it feels completely wrong in the setting. This was the same reaction I had to the remake of Romeo and Juliet with DiCaprio where they kept the original Shakespearean dialogue in modern day Miami. It's gimmicky and it makes you aware of it the entire time you're watching. I can't lose myself in the fantasy of a movie if it's always yelling at me, "Look how clever I am!"
It might have worked better if it was more tongue in cheek like Clueless, but the movie seems to be played straight. This sometimes leads to absurd dialogue like when our hardboiled detective senior says to his principal, "No more of these informal chats! If you have a disciplinary issue with me, write me up or suspend me and I'll see you at the Parent-Teacher conference."
The protagonist, Brendan Frye, played by the long haired kid from the obnoxious sitcom Third Rock from the Sun, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, is well cast in the movie. He still looks young enough to be a teenager, but he's got enough acting chops to pull off the type of ridiculous dialogue they have him spouting off in every scene. In fact, his performance is the one thing that keeps this movie from completely falling apart from it's own inherent silliness.
This movie is reminiscent of another experiment at film noir detective stories made a few years ago, Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang, starring Robert Downey, Jr. That one attempted to transport the whole gumshoe concept into the modern day, but with far more self awareness. That movie fell apart once it stopped taking it self seriously at all and devolved into a surreal parody where they gave up even trying to make sense. These two movies are at two different ends of the spectrum; one took itself way too seriously, the other, not seriously enough. While both were entertaining, they're both failures as far as producing a good movie. Still, you have to appreciate when a movie tries to tell a unique story. I can only watch so many movies about superhero origins or workaholic beautiful women who haven't met the right guy with hilarity ensuing.
Unless you're a fan of detective films, I wouldn't recommend Brick. But, as I am a fan, I have to say I was entertained. I just spent too much of the movie thinking of ways to change it than actually enjoying the story.
6.5/10
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
*Easy there, big boy. I'm not that kind of girl...*It's all fun and games until someone gets eaten. A trainer was killed by a a killer whale at the Florida Sea World today. I'm always morbidly amused when people are shocked, shocked to discover wild animals are actually wild and will kill you if they feel like it. I mean, it IS called a killer whale; you sort of expect shit like this, don't you? Circle of life, man...*takes bong rip* Still, imagine being at that killer whale show? Timmy's going to have a lot of questions afterwards.
While sitting around at my friend's place last night, he wielded the remote like the ADD suffering, attention span of chihuahua goof that he is. We were able to watch highlights of the NBA, two different Olympic channels, and American Idol all in the matter of a few minutes. Not being in command of the remote is an emasculating experience; that's why I never let anyone play with my television. In much the way that riding shotgun can make you queasy from all the unexpected movement that you're not controlling, watching someone flick through channels made me want to stop the tv and get off.
Unfortunately, there was no curling on. To call this a sport is insulting to actual sports; you may as well call darts and bowling a sport...or golf. I think a good sign that your "sport" may not qualify for that title is when you can still compete at an olympic level while 5 months pregnant. Still, it's an exciting, engrossing event that, like a car accident, I can't stop watching. Because there's lots of time to plan out their rock sliding moves and sweeper strategies, people have time to psych themselves out. In fact, the man who was mainly responsible for the success of the U.S. team last Olympics, John Shuster, managed to self destruct even worse than Nick Anderson at the free throw line.
We did get to see several different events that I didn't even know existed. I can't blame the Winter Olympics from doing so, what with all the lame events that they're known for, i.e. aforementioned curling, biathalon, nordic combined, etc. The biathalon, which involves cross country skiing and shooting, of all things, is so strange that even Seinfeld once did a whole bit on how bizarre it is. Frankly, the Winter Olympics is the retard little brother of the Summer Olympics, and even that is bankrupting countries that host it. I can't imagine countries will want to foot the outrageous costs of these national pride fests when the world economy goes into the toilet in the next year or so. I doubt they will disappear; just be on a smaller scale. Of course, to really make the Olympics relevant again, Russia needs to turn into the evil Soviet Union again so we have someone to root against. Frankly, China just isn't cutting it.
Unfortunately, there was no curling on. To call this a sport is insulting to actual sports; you may as well call darts and bowling a sport...or golf. I think a good sign that your "sport" may not qualify for that title is when you can still compete at an olympic level while 5 months pregnant. Still, it's an exciting, engrossing event that, like a car accident, I can't stop watching. Because there's lots of time to plan out their rock sliding moves and sweeper strategies, people have time to psych themselves out. In fact, the man who was mainly responsible for the success of the U.S. team last Olympics, John Shuster, managed to self destruct even worse than Nick Anderson at the free throw line.
We did get to see several different events that I didn't even know existed. I can't blame the Winter Olympics from doing so, what with all the lame events that they're known for, i.e. aforementioned curling, biathalon, nordic combined, etc. The biathalon, which involves cross country skiing and shooting, of all things, is so strange that even Seinfeld once did a whole bit on how bizarre it is. Frankly, the Winter Olympics is the retard little brother of the Summer Olympics, and even that is bankrupting countries that host it. I can't imagine countries will want to foot the outrageous costs of these national pride fests when the world economy goes into the toilet in the next year or so. I doubt they will disappear; just be on a smaller scale. Of course, to really make the Olympics relevant again, Russia needs to turn into the evil Soviet Union again so we have someone to root against. Frankly, China just isn't cutting it.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
*Go ahead....pull my finger!*I'm taking a look at whether or not most of Scorsese's movies live up to his reputation as a great director as well as being films that I'd want to watch again. We'll take a brief look at my experiences with his oeuvre. (Oeuvre used correctly in a sentence? 100 points!)
Taxi Driver (1976): A haunting performance by Robert DeNiro playing a mental case who feels like an outsider to the world he hates and his grasp on reality is tenuous at best. It's a good movie with ambiguous ending perfect for film students to endlessly debate until you want to punch them in the mouth, but the mind of Travis Bickle is definitely not something you want to revisit. You might find yourself start to agree with him.
Raging Bull (1980): Robert DeNiro again playing a paranoid mental case, this time a championship boxer, that cannot adjust to the world and slowly destroys his family and friends until he's alone. DeNiro is a repulsive character whose only redeeming quality is his drive to win. Definitely not something I want to experience again; an ugly movie full of ugly people. Pass.
King of Comedy (1982): Robert DeNiro (Jeez, doesn't he know anybody else?) plays an obsessive mental case, this time an aspiring stand-up comedian, who will do anything to succeed and not be the loser he currently is in a life he hates. Incidentally, it also has an ambiguous ending that may be a paranoid fantasy of the main character, just like Taxi Driver. Wow...anyone seeing a pattern here? The movie was...okay. I think I'd rather rewatch Taxi Driver, and I really, really don't want to see that again.
After Hours (1985): Griffin Dunne, who is best known for not being Robert DeNiro (Well, he really didn't do much, unless you count An American Werewolf in London), a relatively normal office worker, experiences a bunch of random, Kafkaesque encounters over the course of one night. Our protagonist isn't the insane one this time; it's the world he inhabits that's completely crazy. This one is actually quite fun; rather light fare compared to the previous movies. I would watch it again. I mean, Cheech and Chong are in it. Sold!
Color of Money (1986): This one's interesting; it's a needless sequel to a great film, The Hustler, picking up years after the first one. The main character from the first, Paul Newman as fast Eddie Felson, a great pool player, acts as a mentor to a ridiculous, overacting caricature played by Tom Cruise. People love this movie and I'm not sure why, other than the fact that Paul Newman is awesome and could make a commercial about life insurance entertaining. It's your standard old man getting his mojo back through working with a youthful mirror of himself story; somehow, there isn't any real insanity, other than Tom Cruise being Tom Cruise. It's rewatchable, but in my opinion, unnecessary in the first place. I think the writer needed the money.
Bad (1987): Okay, this isn't a movie, but it's easily the funniest thing Scorsese ever made, featuring Michael Jackson as a bad ass gangster. I could watch this on loop forever; some of the finest unintentional comedy ever made. I'm not sure if Scorsese was being straight here, or has a better sense of humor than I usually give him credit for.
Last Temptation of Christ (1988): Story of Jesus' last moments on the cross, showing him to be a paranoid mental case who believes the world is out to get him, and I suppose if anyone deserves to feel that, it's him. Now we're back in crazytown; the only thing missing is DeNiro. Despite the fact this is supposed to be taking place in Judea 2,000 years ago, have the characters have a New York accent. You couldn't pay me to see this again.
Goodfellas (1990): Here is Scorsese's masterpiece on life in the mafia through the eyes of a low level gangster. This is right up there with the Godfather as greatest mafia film, and depending on the day you ask me, the best. Do we have paranoid mental cases? Check. Do we have self destructive characters that can't exist in the real world? Check. Do we have DeNiro smirking his way through the film? Double check. The only thing we're missing is a dream sequence/fantasy ending, although I suppose you could make a case for it if you're desperate. Rewatchable? Hell, I'm watching it right now.
Cape Fear (1991): A remake of a fun little thriller made more, uh, Scorsese-like and 100 percent more Robert DeNiro. I think he directed this while he was counting the money that they paid him to do this commercial thriller. It's certainly one of the laziest films he's made, with unnecessary plot holes. Although, I'll give DeNiro props; even playing a paranoid mental case murderer for the umpteenth time in a Scorsese film doesn't cause him to mail in his performance. Yet, at least. I wouldn't want to watch this again. I'd rather watch the original with Gregory Peck and my favorite pothead, Robert Mitchum, or better yet, the Simpson's spoof with Sideshow Bob.
Age of Innocence (1993): Haha...just kidding. I haven't gotten around to seeing this period piece, and well, it's not even on my Netflix queue. It does have Daniel Day Lewis in it, so I'll put it on the maybe list.
Casino (1995): I liked it better when it was in New York and called Goodfellas. Ummm...on the plus side, it has DeNiro in it. Yeah...it's on my no rewatch list.
Kundun (1997): I think he must have lost a bet or something...most likely after someone got him rip roaring drunk. A movie about the Dalai Lama? Really? I haven't seen it, no intention of seeing it, hope to forget it was ever made right after this. Unless Robert DeNiro plays old Dalai Lama...Nope, no such luck.
Bringing out the Dead (1999): Unfortunately, it's not related to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Instead, it's about Nicholas Cage and Nick Cage's giant forehead, who plays an ambulance driver with insomnia slowly turning into a mental case who can't adjust to the world and all it's evil and violence. This movie sucks donkey balls, but I'll admit I'm a little biased. I turned off the Monday Night Football game of Dolphins-Jets since the Dolphins were up big going into the second half. Little did I know it was about to become a legendary overtime comeback from Mr. Greenballs, himself. Screw you, Cage! Pop a goddamn Ambien and take a nap! You work at a fucking hospital! How hard is this? Seriously?
Gangs of New York (2002): This is the beginning of the Leo connection with Scorsese, where he takes the place of DeNiro in pretty much all his films. It's not a very good start. This is a revenge tale set mostly during the Civil War in New York (big shocker there, I know) about a young man out to avenge his father's murder at the hands of a criminal boss called Bill the Butcher, played by Daniel Day Lewis. The story is pretty much by the numbers and is only saved from being a total turkey with Lewis' hilariously over the top performance and nifty mustache. Seriously, his mustache is awesome. It's performance might be even more impressive than the man it's attached to. No crazies or hallucinations in this one; just one seriously tweeked out criminal and Leo playing an angsty tough with daddy issues. I wanted to walk out of this in the theater; no way in hell I'm sitting through the whole thing again. I can be talked into watching scenes starring Lewis' mustache, though.
The Aviator (2004): Starring Leo DiCaprio as Howard Hughes, the delusional mental case/richest man in the world, it's a pretty straight forward biopic. The insanity of Hughes is mostly seen from without as opposed to letting the audience experience the madness as is Scorsese's usual style. It's not a bad movie, but aside from the great costumes and Cate Blanchett's perfect impersonation of Katherine Hepburn, it's largely forgettable. Leo once again looks like a high school kid dressing up like his dad for much of the movie, but his performance is decent. I wouldn't actively watch it again, but if it was on cable, I might leave it on in the background.
The Departed (2006): I absolutely loathe this movie and cannot understand how anyone even liked it, let alone how it won the Academy Award for best picture. Based on a Hong Kong crime flick, Infernal Affairs, it stars Leo as an undercover cop infiltrating the worst disguised criminal organization ever put on film. Jack Nicholson mugs his way through the movie in a way that makes me think the drug dealers in New York had a very good year during the filming of this movie. With plot holes you could fly a 747 through, logical inconsistencies that are laughable at first but quickly become angering, this film is just plain bad. Much like the Matrix and the Star wars sequels, I like to pretend this movie never happened. Let's move on.
I've probably left out a couple of things, but this is most of what he's known for. Let's tally them up and see what we find. Well, 11 out of 16 of his movies I wouldn't want to watch again with 2 being a maybe. That means he's only made 3 movies that I would happily sit through today. That's a pretty poor showing on the re watchable scale. However, 9 of these 16 movies I would rate as good-great. For me, it seems that most of his movies fit into the category of try once for the experience, but never go back, like traveling to India.
This brings us back to Shutter Island. I can't imagine it being great like Goodfellas, but I doubt it'll be as terrible as the Departed. I'm betting it'll fit somewhere between The Aviator and King of Comedy.
Verdict? Wait for the dvd.
I've been bombarded with advertisements for that new Scorsese movie, Shutter Island, all month long. It might be the shows I watch and the fact that I'm lazy with the fast forward button on my DVR, but it's also because I'm utterly fascinated by Leonardo DiCaprio's goofy Bawston accent, fleshy yet youthful face, and 50s getup complete with fedora that makes him look like a high school kid playing dress up for a school play. Don't get me wrong; I like Leo in most everything I've seen him in. I just think people overrate his abilities to pull off certain roles, such as any role that requires you to take him seriously as an adult. He always pulls me out of the illusion of the movie's world with his adolescent face and his overly intense stares. Well, that and his generally questionable accents, i.e. Blood Diamond, the Departed... I suppose he's starting to age into his face; but much like Robert Downey, Jr., he needs to really wait until he's around 40 before I'll ever take him seriously as a lead hero type.
This new movie, Shutter Island, looks like a generic mind-fuck thriller set in the 50s because, well, the outfits were cool. Just from watching the previews, I can tell the movie is going to either end in a massive conspiracy outed, or Leo's character is crazy and hallucinated everything. Since I already know the only two possible outcomes, will the movie still be enjoyable? If you love movies, you know that is a resounding yes. Movies are enjoyable because they have unique cinematography, contain entertaining performances, and are well written; usually in that order. There are plenty of mindless movies with wooden performances and stilted dialogue that remain fun and entertaining the watch; most of Schwarzenegger's movies of the 80s come to mind. Still, if a movie contains those three elements, it is generally going to be a great movie that you can watch over and over again.
While those three elements will make a great movie, they do not make a rewatchable movie. Often, this is where the theme of the movie comes into play. For example, the recent George Clooney film, Up in the Air, contained all three of those elements. The framing of the scenes added much to the feel and success to the audience's investment in the story, Clooney is better than he's probably ever been in anything, not to mention Vera Farmiga and Anna Kendrick's amazing performances, and the script is at turns, funny, sad, and poignant. I would say it's one of the better movies I saw this year, but I have no desire to ever watch it again. Why, you ask? Okay, I asked myself, but I enjoy talking to myself. Bear with me. The theme of the movie was extraordinarily depressing, and the main character was a shallow, failure of a man. Much of the movie revolves around people being fired and having their entire lives upended and potentially destroyed. Unless you have an acute case of schadenfreude, I can't imagine wanting to see this again. Great tragedies are usually warning calls to not get caught up in hubris and arrogance and are demonstrated using interesting, deep, and powerful characters who have something to lose. Clooney's character is lacking all these things. Hence, he has nothing to lose. In fact, every other character in the movie is far more interesting, which I suppose was the point the director was trying to make. It's probably why Clooney was so good at pulling off a shallow existence; it seems to mirror his own. While the film was entirely successful at getting across what it wanted, it was in no way an experience people would want to revisit.
What does this have to do with Leo and his Shuttah Ahhhland movie? I'm wondering if it's worth it. Scorsese has a history of making movies in that fashion I've described. Well filmed, great performances by outstanding actors, tight scripting and dialogue, as well as being a movie you'd rather do most anything else than sit through again. While I'm hardly a Scorsese expert, I've seen a good chunk of movies that he's made. I'll go through them tomorrow and see which ones were good to greatas well as which ones are rewatchable, and we'll see if my theory matches the reality of my experiences with his movies.
This new movie, Shutter Island, looks like a generic mind-fuck thriller set in the 50s because, well, the outfits were cool. Just from watching the previews, I can tell the movie is going to either end in a massive conspiracy outed, or Leo's character is crazy and hallucinated everything. Since I already know the only two possible outcomes, will the movie still be enjoyable? If you love movies, you know that is a resounding yes. Movies are enjoyable because they have unique cinematography, contain entertaining performances, and are well written; usually in that order. There are plenty of mindless movies with wooden performances and stilted dialogue that remain fun and entertaining the watch; most of Schwarzenegger's movies of the 80s come to mind. Still, if a movie contains those three elements, it is generally going to be a great movie that you can watch over and over again.
While those three elements will make a great movie, they do not make a rewatchable movie. Often, this is where the theme of the movie comes into play. For example, the recent George Clooney film, Up in the Air, contained all three of those elements. The framing of the scenes added much to the feel and success to the audience's investment in the story, Clooney is better than he's probably ever been in anything, not to mention Vera Farmiga and Anna Kendrick's amazing performances, and the script is at turns, funny, sad, and poignant. I would say it's one of the better movies I saw this year, but I have no desire to ever watch it again. Why, you ask? Okay, I asked myself, but I enjoy talking to myself. Bear with me. The theme of the movie was extraordinarily depressing, and the main character was a shallow, failure of a man. Much of the movie revolves around people being fired and having their entire lives upended and potentially destroyed. Unless you have an acute case of schadenfreude, I can't imagine wanting to see this again. Great tragedies are usually warning calls to not get caught up in hubris and arrogance and are demonstrated using interesting, deep, and powerful characters who have something to lose. Clooney's character is lacking all these things. Hence, he has nothing to lose. In fact, every other character in the movie is far more interesting, which I suppose was the point the director was trying to make. It's probably why Clooney was so good at pulling off a shallow existence; it seems to mirror his own. While the film was entirely successful at getting across what it wanted, it was in no way an experience people would want to revisit.
What does this have to do with Leo and his Shuttah Ahhhland movie? I'm wondering if it's worth it. Scorsese has a history of making movies in that fashion I've described. Well filmed, great performances by outstanding actors, tight scripting and dialogue, as well as being a movie you'd rather do most anything else than sit through again. While I'm hardly a Scorsese expert, I've seen a good chunk of movies that he's made. I'll go through them tomorrow and see which ones were good to greatas well as which ones are rewatchable, and we'll see if my theory matches the reality of my experiences with his movies.
Monday, February 22, 2010
It was a nice weekend getting out of the house for the first time in two weeks. The crazy cold from the bowels of hell that incapacitated me with racking coughs and buckets of phlegm seems to have taken a break until next cold season allowing me to face the world once again. There was the dinner at Kushi Shabu, a hot pot-cook-your own-all-you-can-eat Japanese spot that was expensive and highly overrated. All you can eat? Well, when it tastes like bland, generic meat, I suddenly find I don't end up wanting too much of it. To make the matters worse, the thin strips of meat that they do give you to cook begin to pollute the water in the most disgusting fashion. Eventually, you have this brownish gunk floating on the surface; a sort of meat puke, if you will. Hoo boy, nothing like scraping dark snot off your dinner. I know I'm still hungry! I'm already morally opposed to having to cook my own dinner at a restaurant anyways. I have plenty of friends who live this crap, but I'll say what I always say; if I wanted to cook, I would stay at home and microwave a burrito. You should at least get a discount, what with having to do most of the labor.
I'd mention the club and the goofy, drunken shenanigans, but they weren't as interesting as when we were in our twenties. Now it's just sad. Anytime you have a friend who ends up suffering from gout like symptoms from drinking, it might be time to think about laying off the binge drinking. I will say the place we went to was a sort of hybrid bar/club where it basically represented the worst of both. It was way too loud to talk to someone, but their dance floor was away from the main area and tiny. I think you should either go all out with the club, or try and make it into a fun bar atmosphere. But, what do I know? The place was crowded enough as is. Plus, I didn't have to pay a cover, so that almost made up for the deafening music and the 12 dollar drinks.
Now that I'm able to walk two steps without coughing violently, I was able to play in the adult league basketball game this Sunday. It's no secret that my game resembles Brian Scalabrine more than Paul Pierce. I'm fairly terrible, for the most part. I'm there to rebound, box out, and play physical defense. As far as scoring is concerned, I'm the 7th option on a team with 7 players. Well, make that 6th option; Newjen is even less involved than I am in a given game. This was our third game of the season, and coming off two dominating performances against our last two opponents, we were feeling pretty confident. Well, our good players were, anyways. I was just hoping to not to pass out from being physically weakened from my sickness. With our last two victories being over 20 points, we've had good reason to be confident. Our opponent was supposed to be one of the good teams in our league, but they were either replaced with pod people, or aliens stole their basketball talents. With 5 minutes left in the half, we were up by 30-6. Needless to say, they began to get frustrated and one of their players, this chubby short white guy who thought he was Lebron, started to get chippy.
With the frustration mounting, our opponents went to the usual outlet; blame the refs. However, the refs weren't really having it that night. It might be because we were putting down an epic ass whoopin' on them and they had no idea why they would be complaining about calls. In fact, at one point, one of the refs actually asked white Lebron, "You're down 29 points. What exactly do you want? This game was over 15 minutes ago!" The result wasn't surprising; at least 4 technical fouls on their team for stupid decisions and loudly cursing. They've decided to crack down on the profanity in our league recently, but they only enforce it sparingly, usually to keep a situation from escalating. I think they're hoping to keep people from threatening to knife someone in the parking lot after the game, as a former teammate once did. (True story)
My favorite exchange between the refs and white Lebron was when he went barreling into one of our best players, Josh, and had his shot casually swatted away. He continued his forward progress crashing into Josh and tumbling onto his back in proper melodramatic fashion, then leaped up yelling at the ref, wondering where his foul call was. The ref dismissively looked down at him, clapped his hands and said, "Hear that? That was the sound of the ball getting cleanly smacked out of your possession. Just because you run into someone out of control doesn't mean you get a call. Now play ball." I started to feel bad for the other team and they even began to get embarrassed for the performance of their most outspoken teammate. When the game mercifully ended (which resulted in the one ref rolling her eyes and yelling out, "Finally! Thank god!") with a 30 point victory, we all did the usual sportsmanlike shaking of hands and wishing each other good luck in our next games. Because White Lebron is a complete dick, he couldn't even just silently nod his head and decided to try and pick a fight with Josh after the game. With his award winning unsportsmanlike attitude, I guess he is similar to Lebron after all. His actions were so shameful that one of the guys from the team actually walked over to us after the game to apologize for his teammate. All I can say is, we'll probably see them in the playoffs. That'll be interesting, to say the least. I just hope nobody gets thrown out.
I'd mention the club and the goofy, drunken shenanigans, but they weren't as interesting as when we were in our twenties. Now it's just sad. Anytime you have a friend who ends up suffering from gout like symptoms from drinking, it might be time to think about laying off the binge drinking. I will say the place we went to was a sort of hybrid bar/club where it basically represented the worst of both. It was way too loud to talk to someone, but their dance floor was away from the main area and tiny. I think you should either go all out with the club, or try and make it into a fun bar atmosphere. But, what do I know? The place was crowded enough as is. Plus, I didn't have to pay a cover, so that almost made up for the deafening music and the 12 dollar drinks.
Now that I'm able to walk two steps without coughing violently, I was able to play in the adult league basketball game this Sunday. It's no secret that my game resembles Brian Scalabrine more than Paul Pierce. I'm fairly terrible, for the most part. I'm there to rebound, box out, and play physical defense. As far as scoring is concerned, I'm the 7th option on a team with 7 players. Well, make that 6th option; Newjen is even less involved than I am in a given game. This was our third game of the season, and coming off two dominating performances against our last two opponents, we were feeling pretty confident. Well, our good players were, anyways. I was just hoping to not to pass out from being physically weakened from my sickness. With our last two victories being over 20 points, we've had good reason to be confident. Our opponent was supposed to be one of the good teams in our league, but they were either replaced with pod people, or aliens stole their basketball talents. With 5 minutes left in the half, we were up by 30-6. Needless to say, they began to get frustrated and one of their players, this chubby short white guy who thought he was Lebron, started to get chippy.
With the frustration mounting, our opponents went to the usual outlet; blame the refs. However, the refs weren't really having it that night. It might be because we were putting down an epic ass whoopin' on them and they had no idea why they would be complaining about calls. In fact, at one point, one of the refs actually asked white Lebron, "You're down 29 points. What exactly do you want? This game was over 15 minutes ago!" The result wasn't surprising; at least 4 technical fouls on their team for stupid decisions and loudly cursing. They've decided to crack down on the profanity in our league recently, but they only enforce it sparingly, usually to keep a situation from escalating. I think they're hoping to keep people from threatening to knife someone in the parking lot after the game, as a former teammate once did. (True story)
My favorite exchange between the refs and white Lebron was when he went barreling into one of our best players, Josh, and had his shot casually swatted away. He continued his forward progress crashing into Josh and tumbling onto his back in proper melodramatic fashion, then leaped up yelling at the ref, wondering where his foul call was. The ref dismissively looked down at him, clapped his hands and said, "Hear that? That was the sound of the ball getting cleanly smacked out of your possession. Just because you run into someone out of control doesn't mean you get a call. Now play ball." I started to feel bad for the other team and they even began to get embarrassed for the performance of their most outspoken teammate. When the game mercifully ended (which resulted in the one ref rolling her eyes and yelling out, "Finally! Thank god!") with a 30 point victory, we all did the usual sportsmanlike shaking of hands and wishing each other good luck in our next games. Because White Lebron is a complete dick, he couldn't even just silently nod his head and decided to try and pick a fight with Josh after the game. With his award winning unsportsmanlike attitude, I guess he is similar to Lebron after all. His actions were so shameful that one of the guys from the team actually walked over to us after the game to apologize for his teammate. All I can say is, we'll probably see them in the playoffs. That'll be interesting, to say the least. I just hope nobody gets thrown out.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Holy crap...it's sure been a long time since I've posted on my blog. Would you believe 4 years? I can't hardly believe I've been super lazy for that long. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm far lazier than that. Still, I need this writing practice to hone my communication skillz...and to make sure I stop using a z in place of an s subconsciously.
So, what's happened in my life since my last posting? I've continued my goal of traveling the world, but doing so in bite sized blocks as opposed to staying in one location and learning how real people live in their neck of the woods. I mean, there's not that big a difference between people's wants and desires in any part of the world. Everybody eats, shits, and fucks pretty much the same wherever you go...well, except maybe in Amsterdam. I know many travelers are interested in living like a local and learning the idiosyncrasies of alien societies, but frankly, I'm not that interested for one good reason; the continuing homogenization of the world culture. Do you know what's right across the street from the magnificent Sphinx and the great pyramid? A fucking KFC and a Pizza hut. Do you know what the most popular spot I noticed in Spain on a summer day? McDonald's and their cheap, tasty, softserve icecream cones. What do you think was on television when I drifted off to sleep a stone's throw away from the Petra national park in Jordan? Reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the A-team. I'm sure once upon a time, you could go to another country and escape the influence of the American popular culture, but unless you're smack in the middle of the Ghobi desert, you're going to see someone walk by yakking on a cell phone wearing Nike's and talking about last night's episode of CSI: Miami.
This isn't to say there aren't cultural differences in the countries I've been to; obviously, there are huge gulfs in understanding on a whole range of cultural, political, and philosophical issues. Still, trying to escape the web of American television and product placement is a losing battle that I no longer have any interest in. I'm not even sure it's that bad of a thing; I like being able to access the internet when I'm in other countries. I like grabbing a Big Mac every once in a while to remind myself of terribly unhealthy home food. And frankly, I happen to like reruns of Friends. In fact, I'd go further and suggest that the world should take yet another page out of American and start actually refrigerating their damn drinks and maybe, just maybe, get with the 20th century and use fucking ice cubes.
As I've told my friends, I travel for a selfish reason; I want to see historical sights and locations I've read about with my own eyes. I want to gaze on the plains of Zama in present day Tunisia, because world history was completely altered forever at that sight. I want to climb the pyramids of the ancient Maya, stand in the ruined palace of the ancient Minoans, and crawl through the Cu Chi tunnels to see how the Viet Kong survived in wartime. These things I do to expand my imagination of times ancient or recently past. Perhaps it's the romantic in me that wants to keep these experiences separate from everyday, mundane crap that people do to stay alive. Just in Los Angeles alone, there are hundreds of interesting historical sights and museums. I've probably only experienced a fraction of them. Why? Because this is the city I spend the dull, uninteresting moments of my life. This place is home and familiar to the point that I'm mentally discouraged from caring about it on that level anymore.
I should work on that; start broadening my horizons as far as my own hometown is concerned, but everywhere I look reminds me of my normal life. When I leave to places I've only read about, it's fresh and unspoiled in my mind. Think about your life and your memories. What do you remember of your neighborhood? It's familiar, kind of like an old comfortable pair of shoes. You spend so much time there, however, that you start not even seeing it. It just is, imprinted on your brain like background noise.
My mind is hungry for unique and original sights; not for shopping at the supermarket or eating at a generic cafe. I think the longer you stay anywhere, the less interesting it becomes. I have no problem with this and it's effect on Los Angeles and the surrounding areas, but I don't want this to happen to the amazing places I've seen. I watched a wedding party take photos in front of Angkor Wat, completely oblivious to the incredible view. They lived there. It wasn't that interesting anymore. I stare at the Disney concert hall every morning walking into the office. I don't even notice it anymore and wonder where all the goofy tourists in sandals and ugly hats clutching their cameras and guidebooks are rushing off to. Granted, the Disney concert hall is no Angkor Wat, but the point remains. Much like relationships, the longer you spend with someone, the less mysterious and interesting they become. I would never want that to happen to the places I've seen on my trips. It would be like murdering my memories.
So, what's happened in my life since my last posting? I've continued my goal of traveling the world, but doing so in bite sized blocks as opposed to staying in one location and learning how real people live in their neck of the woods. I mean, there's not that big a difference between people's wants and desires in any part of the world. Everybody eats, shits, and fucks pretty much the same wherever you go...well, except maybe in Amsterdam. I know many travelers are interested in living like a local and learning the idiosyncrasies of alien societies, but frankly, I'm not that interested for one good reason; the continuing homogenization of the world culture. Do you know what's right across the street from the magnificent Sphinx and the great pyramid? A fucking KFC and a Pizza hut. Do you know what the most popular spot I noticed in Spain on a summer day? McDonald's and their cheap, tasty, softserve icecream cones. What do you think was on television when I drifted off to sleep a stone's throw away from the Petra national park in Jordan? Reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the A-team. I'm sure once upon a time, you could go to another country and escape the influence of the American popular culture, but unless you're smack in the middle of the Ghobi desert, you're going to see someone walk by yakking on a cell phone wearing Nike's and talking about last night's episode of CSI: Miami.
This isn't to say there aren't cultural differences in the countries I've been to; obviously, there are huge gulfs in understanding on a whole range of cultural, political, and philosophical issues. Still, trying to escape the web of American television and product placement is a losing battle that I no longer have any interest in. I'm not even sure it's that bad of a thing; I like being able to access the internet when I'm in other countries. I like grabbing a Big Mac every once in a while to remind myself of terribly unhealthy home food. And frankly, I happen to like reruns of Friends. In fact, I'd go further and suggest that the world should take yet another page out of American and start actually refrigerating their damn drinks and maybe, just maybe, get with the 20th century and use fucking ice cubes.
As I've told my friends, I travel for a selfish reason; I want to see historical sights and locations I've read about with my own eyes. I want to gaze on the plains of Zama in present day Tunisia, because world history was completely altered forever at that sight. I want to climb the pyramids of the ancient Maya, stand in the ruined palace of the ancient Minoans, and crawl through the Cu Chi tunnels to see how the Viet Kong survived in wartime. These things I do to expand my imagination of times ancient or recently past. Perhaps it's the romantic in me that wants to keep these experiences separate from everyday, mundane crap that people do to stay alive. Just in Los Angeles alone, there are hundreds of interesting historical sights and museums. I've probably only experienced a fraction of them. Why? Because this is the city I spend the dull, uninteresting moments of my life. This place is home and familiar to the point that I'm mentally discouraged from caring about it on that level anymore.
I should work on that; start broadening my horizons as far as my own hometown is concerned, but everywhere I look reminds me of my normal life. When I leave to places I've only read about, it's fresh and unspoiled in my mind. Think about your life and your memories. What do you remember of your neighborhood? It's familiar, kind of like an old comfortable pair of shoes. You spend so much time there, however, that you start not even seeing it. It just is, imprinted on your brain like background noise.
My mind is hungry for unique and original sights; not for shopping at the supermarket or eating at a generic cafe. I think the longer you stay anywhere, the less interesting it becomes. I have no problem with this and it's effect on Los Angeles and the surrounding areas, but I don't want this to happen to the amazing places I've seen. I watched a wedding party take photos in front of Angkor Wat, completely oblivious to the incredible view. They lived there. It wasn't that interesting anymore. I stare at the Disney concert hall every morning walking into the office. I don't even notice it anymore and wonder where all the goofy tourists in sandals and ugly hats clutching their cameras and guidebooks are rushing off to. Granted, the Disney concert hall is no Angkor Wat, but the point remains. Much like relationships, the longer you spend with someone, the less mysterious and interesting they become. I would never want that to happen to the places I've seen on my trips. It would be like murdering my memories.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Farkin' Links Vol. 197
Has anybody seen or heard about this Brawny Academy? Apparently, the Brawny man has turned from a bad ass lumberjack to a clean shaven, sensitive, new age guy in a flannel. He's basically turned into Al Gore. On this show, he's supposed to teach a group of married men how to be "more thoughtful, more helpful...even more romantic." Oh, that's right...he's also going to teach them how to grow a vagina. Since he's intent on turning these men into women, I suppose that would be the next step. Obviously, the group of fools they got to show up on this show deserve to be completely emasculated, but this feminization of society is a depressing trend. Of course, knowing as much about women as I do(which ain't much), I know that once they manage to turn their men into a servant, they'll get bored and move on to that mysterious, married man who gets them all excited down below. But hey, at least these Brawny men can cry on each other's shoulders on Brokeback Mountain afterwards.
Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.
--Oscar Wilde
Here's a nice collection of the top erotic Atari games...which is kind of like having a list of the most erotic Golden Girls cast members. My vote goes for Bea Arthur.
This reporter may actually be dumber than Brick Tamland from Anchorman...and he was retarded.
O.K., I may have put this shirt on before...but it's still so stupid it made me laugh...which I'll admit, isn't particularly hard.
Being crushed by a giant cage in a freak balloon accident isn't funny...unless it happens to a clown.
This Vietnamese criminal must have inspired that Martin Lawrence movie, Blue Streak.
I'm beginning to think Florida has a "Hellmouth" ala Buffy the Vampire Slayer, only it attracts nutjobs and crazies. In central Florida, they're looking for the naked tickler...how hard is it to find a naked man running through the streets?
If you think I have a lot of time on my hands, check out this guy's hobby of recreating Nazi war scenes with G.I. Joe sized dolls. I think Alex just pissed his pants in excitement and jealousy.
Just to prove, once again, that anything can be had on the internet, check this out. I know I'd like infant blood that doesn't spoil so quickly.
Uh oh...the raccoons are about to conquer Washington State. I, for one, welcome our new furry, masked overlords. I sure hope they haven't heard about that raccoon I ran over up in Oakland.
Here's a strange sketch collection of various cartoon characters with what would be their internal skeleton. These are some deformed people.
Has anybody seen or heard about this Brawny Academy? Apparently, the Brawny man has turned from a bad ass lumberjack to a clean shaven, sensitive, new age guy in a flannel. He's basically turned into Al Gore. On this show, he's supposed to teach a group of married men how to be "more thoughtful, more helpful...even more romantic." Oh, that's right...he's also going to teach them how to grow a vagina. Since he's intent on turning these men into women, I suppose that would be the next step. Obviously, the group of fools they got to show up on this show deserve to be completely emasculated, but this feminization of society is a depressing trend. Of course, knowing as much about women as I do(which ain't much), I know that once they manage to turn their men into a servant, they'll get bored and move on to that mysterious, married man who gets them all excited down below. But hey, at least these Brawny men can cry on each other's shoulders on Brokeback Mountain afterwards.
Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.
--Oscar Wilde
Here's a nice collection of the top erotic Atari games...which is kind of like having a list of the most erotic Golden Girls cast members. My vote goes for Bea Arthur.
This reporter may actually be dumber than Brick Tamland from Anchorman...and he was retarded.
O.K., I may have put this shirt on before...but it's still so stupid it made me laugh...which I'll admit, isn't particularly hard.
Being crushed by a giant cage in a freak balloon accident isn't funny...unless it happens to a clown.
This Vietnamese criminal must have inspired that Martin Lawrence movie, Blue Streak.
I'm beginning to think Florida has a "Hellmouth" ala Buffy the Vampire Slayer, only it attracts nutjobs and crazies. In central Florida, they're looking for the naked tickler...how hard is it to find a naked man running through the streets?
If you think I have a lot of time on my hands, check out this guy's hobby of recreating Nazi war scenes with G.I. Joe sized dolls. I think Alex just pissed his pants in excitement and jealousy.
Just to prove, once again, that anything can be had on the internet, check this out. I know I'd like infant blood that doesn't spoil so quickly.
Uh oh...the raccoons are about to conquer Washington State. I, for one, welcome our new furry, masked overlords. I sure hope they haven't heard about that raccoon I ran over up in Oakland.
Here's a strange sketch collection of various cartoon characters with what would be their internal skeleton. These are some deformed people.
Farkin' Links Vol. 196
USA! USA! Our little leaguers just kicked the crap out of the world's little leaguers, so it's reason to celebrate. Nothing like putting the intense pressure of all your country's expectations on 11 year olds. That won't result in any long term scarring, right? It's not like parents aren't already living vicariously through their children when they're competing in the local championship in butt-f*ck nowheres; imagine what kind of crap they go through when they're representing their damn country on ESPN. There's gonna be a lot of therapists making some good money 10 years from now.
The great part about the victory by the Georgia team is that they beat a Japanese team. Nothing warms my heart like seeing Japanese children bawling their eyes out as their dreams lie broken and strewn about the ballfield like so much litter. I'm still bitter over Pearl Harbor. I mean, if they can act like victims every anniversary of Hiroshima and Nagasaki which only occurred due to a war they started, than I can remain angry about the death and destruction they reigned down on the world because of an arrogant, racist, self importance. On the other hand, they do make really good cars. Of course, so do zee Germans. I wonder if there is a correlation?
Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.
--Evan Esar
Since I've just bashed on the Japanese, I will give them their props with this article. They do make the coolest food...I mean, chocolate goldfish? BRILLIANT!
Stretching is always a good thing when you're working out. This, however, is called getting a little TOO loose.
I know Paul may disagree, but I'd say this was a much better prank than making it look like his car was stolen. Of course, we managed not to get prosecuted.
Here's Maxim's greatest 11 movie coaches. I don't see how they missed the Fonz' turn in the Waterboy...but mostly I love the fact that they managed to reference Big Trouble in Little China. That may be the greatest movie ever made.
I'd say this guy's theory that Fight Club really revolves around a grown up Calvin and Hobbes is nutty...if it weren't so eerily spot on. I want you all to complete the discussion questions so we can have a roundtable discussion later.
This is a ridiculously terrible game involving Bill Cosby, pudding, and murder. I only include it because The Hoff is in it. Everything is better with the Hoff. In fact, he goes on the pirates, ninjas, monkeys, and midgets list.
Speaking of the Hoff...this would be the best birthday present ever! I can't understand this kid. He's obviously a damn loser.
Cool...this commercial is a nice blast from the past. I have no idea what this game was, but I suddenly want to buy it. NSFW.
This site just keeps on giving. This one is for Moody; this was his favorite song in Germany...other than Nelly Furtado's Promiscious.
Newjen should love this one; it's not quite as good as his fireworks special on the 4th, but neither is the one at Disneyland. Still, these bunch of rednecks put on quite a potential forest fire.
USA! USA! Our little leaguers just kicked the crap out of the world's little leaguers, so it's reason to celebrate. Nothing like putting the intense pressure of all your country's expectations on 11 year olds. That won't result in any long term scarring, right? It's not like parents aren't already living vicariously through their children when they're competing in the local championship in butt-f*ck nowheres; imagine what kind of crap they go through when they're representing their damn country on ESPN. There's gonna be a lot of therapists making some good money 10 years from now.
The great part about the victory by the Georgia team is that they beat a Japanese team. Nothing warms my heart like seeing Japanese children bawling their eyes out as their dreams lie broken and strewn about the ballfield like so much litter. I'm still bitter over Pearl Harbor. I mean, if they can act like victims every anniversary of Hiroshima and Nagasaki which only occurred due to a war they started, than I can remain angry about the death and destruction they reigned down on the world because of an arrogant, racist, self importance. On the other hand, they do make really good cars. Of course, so do zee Germans. I wonder if there is a correlation?
Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.
--Evan Esar
Since I've just bashed on the Japanese, I will give them their props with this article. They do make the coolest food...I mean, chocolate goldfish? BRILLIANT!
Stretching is always a good thing when you're working out. This, however, is called getting a little TOO loose.
I know Paul may disagree, but I'd say this was a much better prank than making it look like his car was stolen. Of course, we managed not to get prosecuted.
Here's Maxim's greatest 11 movie coaches. I don't see how they missed the Fonz' turn in the Waterboy...but mostly I love the fact that they managed to reference Big Trouble in Little China. That may be the greatest movie ever made.
I'd say this guy's theory that Fight Club really revolves around a grown up Calvin and Hobbes is nutty...if it weren't so eerily spot on. I want you all to complete the discussion questions so we can have a roundtable discussion later.
This is a ridiculously terrible game involving Bill Cosby, pudding, and murder. I only include it because The Hoff is in it. Everything is better with the Hoff. In fact, he goes on the pirates, ninjas, monkeys, and midgets list.
Speaking of the Hoff...this would be the best birthday present ever! I can't understand this kid. He's obviously a damn loser.
Cool...this commercial is a nice blast from the past. I have no idea what this game was, but I suddenly want to buy it. NSFW.
This site just keeps on giving. This one is for Moody; this was his favorite song in Germany...other than Nelly Furtado's Promiscious.
Newjen should love this one; it's not quite as good as his fireworks special on the 4th, but neither is the one at Disneyland. Still, these bunch of rednecks put on quite a potential forest fire.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Farkin' Links Vol. 195
First off, I think everyone should congratulate Moody on his engagement to his lovely and charming fiance, Fatima. They had a really nice engagement party this past Sunday which involved weird Arabic music, Moody's dad telling embarrassing stories about his son (I'm sure he's been waiting for 29 years to do that; of course, his were cute, funny stories, not like the embarrassing we could have told. We'll just have to save those for his wedding), and this weird Xena: Warrior Princess war cry from the women at various times during the party. All in all, a very successful event and I wish nothing but happiness and success for the two of them.
The only other notable thing I did this weekend was change an air filter in a car. What should take 2 minutes took me about 20. I think car designers go out of their way to make it almost impossible to access parts of their engine without breaking another component. Personally, I think that's for our safety. I certainly don't want to be on the road with people who do their own brakes, which is why I try to not drive with Jack. I only bring this up because it reminded me of an incident when Jiffy Lube tried to take advantage of me. The "mechanic" comes in holding a horrifically dirty air filter and asks me if I'd like to get it changed out. I answer,"Well, maybe if you showed me my actual air filter, I could tell you." Acting confused he asked me what I meant. I told him that the air filter in his hand isn't the same type as the one in my car, so either he's an idiot, or a liar. He chose option number one and pretended that it was another guy's air filter and went off to find him. I don't mind paying professionals to make sure my car runs correctly, but I don't like being insulted. According to Scott Adams, the definition of a professional is someone who knows a little bit more than you. I'd recommend everyone look into learning a bit about their car in order to discourage this type of robbery.
For our "Japanese people are crazy" link, we revist that wacky exercise/English lesson show. They're doing prep work for visiting Detroit, learning what to say to potential muggers, rapists, and murders.
Those wacky Chinese keep trying to take away that crazy title from Japan. Probably revenge for that Nanking incident...anyways, in this story involves a woman trying to teach her dog how to drive. Maybe the dog realized she was taking him to her restaurant for dinner.
I bet you thought I was done with China...well, apparently the authorities had to step in and ban strippers being hired to perform at funerals. Personally, I think it's a wonderful idea. I'm sure my grandfather would have heartily approved.
Jumping across the Strait, Taiwan apparently has the worst drinking water in the world. Of course, dead bodies floating in your water supply will do that.
Here's a nice list of insane weathermen...although, I figured that was part of the job description. That, and a George Hamilton tan.
Darn it! I missed another nipple slip...this time at the Emmy's. Oh well, I'll just have to be content with my porn collection.
Wow...and you thought YOU had a bad weekend. Let this be a lesson; if you're planning on playing with dildos, make sure you use proper lubricant.
I dunno about you, but I want my tongue nowhere near my *ss...or vice versa.
From the Norweigan Department of Obviousness, 1 in 5 woman have been harrassed by drunken men the past year. Oddly enough, women 20-29 seem most at risk. Funny, I would have thought it was the 60-69...they look hot enough when I'm drunk.
This is rather amusing; the marines guarding Saddam are making him watch the South Park movie where he plays the gay lover of Satan. I'm not sure whether he's insulted or flattered.
First off, I think everyone should congratulate Moody on his engagement to his lovely and charming fiance, Fatima. They had a really nice engagement party this past Sunday which involved weird Arabic music, Moody's dad telling embarrassing stories about his son (I'm sure he's been waiting for 29 years to do that; of course, his were cute, funny stories, not like the embarrassing we could have told. We'll just have to save those for his wedding), and this weird Xena: Warrior Princess war cry from the women at various times during the party. All in all, a very successful event and I wish nothing but happiness and success for the two of them.
The only other notable thing I did this weekend was change an air filter in a car. What should take 2 minutes took me about 20. I think car designers go out of their way to make it almost impossible to access parts of their engine without breaking another component. Personally, I think that's for our safety. I certainly don't want to be on the road with people who do their own brakes, which is why I try to not drive with Jack. I only bring this up because it reminded me of an incident when Jiffy Lube tried to take advantage of me. The "mechanic" comes in holding a horrifically dirty air filter and asks me if I'd like to get it changed out. I answer,"Well, maybe if you showed me my actual air filter, I could tell you." Acting confused he asked me what I meant. I told him that the air filter in his hand isn't the same type as the one in my car, so either he's an idiot, or a liar. He chose option number one and pretended that it was another guy's air filter and went off to find him. I don't mind paying professionals to make sure my car runs correctly, but I don't like being insulted. According to Scott Adams, the definition of a professional is someone who knows a little bit more than you. I'd recommend everyone look into learning a bit about their car in order to discourage this type of robbery.
For our "Japanese people are crazy" link, we revist that wacky exercise/English lesson show. They're doing prep work for visiting Detroit, learning what to say to potential muggers, rapists, and murders.
Those wacky Chinese keep trying to take away that crazy title from Japan. Probably revenge for that Nanking incident...anyways, in this story involves a woman trying to teach her dog how to drive. Maybe the dog realized she was taking him to her restaurant for dinner.
I bet you thought I was done with China...well, apparently the authorities had to step in and ban strippers being hired to perform at funerals. Personally, I think it's a wonderful idea. I'm sure my grandfather would have heartily approved.
Jumping across the Strait, Taiwan apparently has the worst drinking water in the world. Of course, dead bodies floating in your water supply will do that.
Here's a nice list of insane weathermen...although, I figured that was part of the job description. That, and a George Hamilton tan.
Darn it! I missed another nipple slip...this time at the Emmy's. Oh well, I'll just have to be content with my porn collection.
Wow...and you thought YOU had a bad weekend. Let this be a lesson; if you're planning on playing with dildos, make sure you use proper lubricant.
I dunno about you, but I want my tongue nowhere near my *ss...or vice versa.
From the Norweigan Department of Obviousness, 1 in 5 woman have been harrassed by drunken men the past year. Oddly enough, women 20-29 seem most at risk. Funny, I would have thought it was the 60-69...they look hot enough when I'm drunk.
This is rather amusing; the marines guarding Saddam are making him watch the South Park movie where he plays the gay lover of Satan. I'm not sure whether he's insulted or flattered.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Farkin' Links Vol. 194
Well, billing is tomorrow, so it's likely you ain't getting another one of these until next week. So enjoy your spam free day tomorrow. I had an ethical dilemma to deal with today. I was picking up lunch for Glenn in the office today, when I was jostled in the street by some crazy Asian lady with an umbrella. I was forced to break her umbrella in half and push her in front of a bus. By the way, that's not the ethical question yet. I dropped Glenn's fork into the street after this incident. Now, if you're not familiar with downtown Broadway, just imagine the most disgusting toilet you've ever seen, be it real or imagined; now imagine it covering an entire street. It's a place where you can actually see someone taking a crap right in broad daylight. Obviously this fork was not gonna be in good shape even with the 3 second rule in effect. The question is...should I tell him after he eats his meal with the fork, or should I keep it to myself?
I'm tired of these muthaf*cking snakes on this muthaf*cking helicopter! Uriel, I hope you do a better job of keeping these vermin off our nation's helicopters.
Hehe...listen to that engine purr...hey, did it just meow at me?These would be pretty cool ads for the Little League World Series; I think they should broaden the sponsors for this thing anyways. More people watch it than hockey.
I'm going to have to get my dad this shirt. This gives me flashbacks of growing up.
Hmmm...Lysol used to advertise itself for feminine hygiene. I'm just imagining the lovely Pine scent...
So...who wants a 29 year old virgin? No, I'm not talking about you, Jack, I'm talking about this chick who's pimping herself out on the internet.
Damn, who knew those cute, fluffy clouds could crush you like an empty beer can?
Ol' granny gets her profane personalized license plate, NWTF, back. I dunno; I think her last name is much more offensive, really.
Awww...Lindsay Lohan is mad about the fact that the media ignored Ashlee Simpson's nosejob. Can you blame them? They were too busy following your drunken escapades, b*tch!
...and last but certainly not least, is a gallery just for Andy. It's a collection of nipple slips from famous celebrities...don't get your hopes too high, Andy. Dave Gahan doesn't make an appearance. Not safe for work.
Well, billing is tomorrow, so it's likely you ain't getting another one of these until next week. So enjoy your spam free day tomorrow. I had an ethical dilemma to deal with today. I was picking up lunch for Glenn in the office today, when I was jostled in the street by some crazy Asian lady with an umbrella. I was forced to break her umbrella in half and push her in front of a bus. By the way, that's not the ethical question yet. I dropped Glenn's fork into the street after this incident. Now, if you're not familiar with downtown Broadway, just imagine the most disgusting toilet you've ever seen, be it real or imagined; now imagine it covering an entire street. It's a place where you can actually see someone taking a crap right in broad daylight. Obviously this fork was not gonna be in good shape even with the 3 second rule in effect. The question is...should I tell him after he eats his meal with the fork, or should I keep it to myself?
I'm tired of these muthaf*cking snakes on this muthaf*cking helicopter! Uriel, I hope you do a better job of keeping these vermin off our nation's helicopters.
Hehe...listen to that engine purr...hey, did it just meow at me?These would be pretty cool ads for the Little League World Series; I think they should broaden the sponsors for this thing anyways. More people watch it than hockey.
I'm going to have to get my dad this shirt. This gives me flashbacks of growing up.
Hmmm...Lysol used to advertise itself for feminine hygiene. I'm just imagining the lovely Pine scent...
So...who wants a 29 year old virgin? No, I'm not talking about you, Jack, I'm talking about this chick who's pimping herself out on the internet.
Damn, who knew those cute, fluffy clouds could crush you like an empty beer can?
Ol' granny gets her profane personalized license plate, NWTF, back. I dunno; I think her last name is much more offensive, really.
Awww...Lindsay Lohan is mad about the fact that the media ignored Ashlee Simpson's nosejob. Can you blame them? They were too busy following your drunken escapades, b*tch!
...and last but certainly not least, is a gallery just for Andy. It's a collection of nipple slips from famous celebrities...don't get your hopes too high, Andy. Dave Gahan doesn't make an appearance. Not safe for work.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Farkin' Links Vol. 193
So, I was very amused by the strange email thread from yesterday. To make a long story short, it revolved around whether Andy would rather spend lunch with David Gahan, the lead singer for Depeche Mode, or some supposedly famous go-go dancer. Andy would rather spend the time with his idol from Depeche Mode, which caused the general reaction of, "What! Are you gay!" from everyone else. I can totally understand where he's coming from, though. I mean, there are thousands of go-go dancers, but only one lead singer of his favorite band. I could open up a phone book to escorts, and get any number of women to attend lunch with me. If the argument had been, lunch with Dave, or a night of wild sexcapades with said go-go dancer, the argument would be more difficult. Still, I can open a phone book to escorts and...well, you get the idea.
Thinking outside the box, however, I figured the best idea would be to have your cake and eat it too. I mean, if you go to lunch with Dave, but then invite the go-go dancer to come along and meet a rock star, chances are she's coming. From there, there are two likely scenarios. One, Dave starts hitting on the dancer, and is somewhat grateful for you for bringing something to the table, so you can use it to your advantage in backstage passes or some such nonsense. I think Andy wants to be a roadie. The other scenario would be that Dave is gay, but the go-go dancer is suitably impressed with your connections and you can parlay that into something as well. All in all, a pretty good situation for you. Andy, you wanna give this a try for us and tell us if it works?
On another subject, I watched Poseidon last night. This is the remake of the Poseidon Adventure from 1972. Now, everyone was on a lot of drugs back in the 70s, so I can understand how they somehow greenlighted a sequel. But, in this day and age, what were the powers that be thinking when they created this remake? The original was part of the disaster movie craze; Towering Inferno, Earthquake, Airport 77, that sort of thing. Take a group of well known actors, give them all shallow, one note personalities, place in a given life or death situation involving falling buildings, fires, or explosions where they're forced to work together in order to survive, rinse and repeat. That's basically the plot for all of these movies, and it remains the storyline for the new Poseidon. There are some pretty fun death scenes, lots of explosions for seemingly no reason(I think the ship may have been built out of asbestos, dynamite, and napalm) and lots of hold your breath water sequences. Does anybody else try to hold their breath along with a movie character to see if you could have swam down that 150 meter hallway, open a metal door with no leverage, and somehow find that one pocket of air? No...well, me neither. Forget I asked. Anyways, it's a fairly enjoyable popcorn flick, in that you're sort of rooting for everyone to die, if only to see how creative the filmmakers can make it. You may have noticed I've said absolutely nothing about the characters; well, the less said the better. They're just props that react to a giant cruise ship flipped over, on fire, and sinking. This movie is best viewed in the background while you're doing something else, or with 2 parts coke, 1 part Jack Daniels. I'll give it a 6/10, or in Tristan speak, a C+.
Hehe...many of you have seen the fauxtography going on with the Lebanon-Israeli war. The fakes, lies, and photoshopping. Well, now they have a do it yourself kit. This chick has been EVERYWHERE!
Wow! Not only do these ants bite faster than any living animal, but they know kung fu! They're like, flippy, ninja ants.
I wonder if Chris Hsieh had anything to do with this guide on not tipping bad waiters. It looks like his handiwork...I'm really gonn have to try the boxed lunch one, though. That one is flippin' brilliant.
I think I saw this goalie in the World Cup playing for Paraguay. No, wait, this guy sort of tried to stop the ball. Ads not safe for work.
Wow...that's just wrong. Tigger wouldn't go out like a punk...even though I've never seen Deadwood, this is still pretty funny.
This guy's going for father and husband of the year. Lighting your family on fire, then settling down for a beer? That's a Miller High Life man.
It's a darn good thing I don't steal cable anymore...I mean, why, I would never, EVER steal cable! That would be dishonest and wrong.
Sometimes the only way to fight bacteria is with bacteria...but I sure as heck don't want it in my toothpaste.
This is a poorly made side scroller...but it gets included because it has zombies. That one addition alone salvages the game.Adding zombies is almost equivalent to adding monkeys, ninjas, midgets, or pirates.
Man shoots his wife after seeing an Indian movie on marriage. Well, having sat through Bollywood movies myself, I would understand more if she had killed him for forcing her to watch one of those ridiculous movies.
So, I was very amused by the strange email thread from yesterday. To make a long story short, it revolved around whether Andy would rather spend lunch with David Gahan, the lead singer for Depeche Mode, or some supposedly famous go-go dancer. Andy would rather spend the time with his idol from Depeche Mode, which caused the general reaction of, "What! Are you gay!" from everyone else. I can totally understand where he's coming from, though. I mean, there are thousands of go-go dancers, but only one lead singer of his favorite band. I could open up a phone book to escorts, and get any number of women to attend lunch with me. If the argument had been, lunch with Dave, or a night of wild sexcapades with said go-go dancer, the argument would be more difficult. Still, I can open a phone book to escorts and...well, you get the idea.
Thinking outside the box, however, I figured the best idea would be to have your cake and eat it too. I mean, if you go to lunch with Dave, but then invite the go-go dancer to come along and meet a rock star, chances are she's coming. From there, there are two likely scenarios. One, Dave starts hitting on the dancer, and is somewhat grateful for you for bringing something to the table, so you can use it to your advantage in backstage passes or some such nonsense. I think Andy wants to be a roadie. The other scenario would be that Dave is gay, but the go-go dancer is suitably impressed with your connections and you can parlay that into something as well. All in all, a pretty good situation for you. Andy, you wanna give this a try for us and tell us if it works?
On another subject, I watched Poseidon last night. This is the remake of the Poseidon Adventure from 1972. Now, everyone was on a lot of drugs back in the 70s, so I can understand how they somehow greenlighted a sequel. But, in this day and age, what were the powers that be thinking when they created this remake? The original was part of the disaster movie craze; Towering Inferno, Earthquake, Airport 77, that sort of thing. Take a group of well known actors, give them all shallow, one note personalities, place in a given life or death situation involving falling buildings, fires, or explosions where they're forced to work together in order to survive, rinse and repeat. That's basically the plot for all of these movies, and it remains the storyline for the new Poseidon. There are some pretty fun death scenes, lots of explosions for seemingly no reason(I think the ship may have been built out of asbestos, dynamite, and napalm) and lots of hold your breath water sequences. Does anybody else try to hold their breath along with a movie character to see if you could have swam down that 150 meter hallway, open a metal door with no leverage, and somehow find that one pocket of air? No...well, me neither. Forget I asked. Anyways, it's a fairly enjoyable popcorn flick, in that you're sort of rooting for everyone to die, if only to see how creative the filmmakers can make it. You may have noticed I've said absolutely nothing about the characters; well, the less said the better. They're just props that react to a giant cruise ship flipped over, on fire, and sinking. This movie is best viewed in the background while you're doing something else, or with 2 parts coke, 1 part Jack Daniels. I'll give it a 6/10, or in Tristan speak, a C+.
Hehe...many of you have seen the fauxtography going on with the Lebanon-Israeli war. The fakes, lies, and photoshopping. Well, now they have a do it yourself kit. This chick has been EVERYWHERE!
Wow! Not only do these ants bite faster than any living animal, but they know kung fu! They're like, flippy, ninja ants.
I wonder if Chris Hsieh had anything to do with this guide on not tipping bad waiters. It looks like his handiwork...I'm really gonn have to try the boxed lunch one, though. That one is flippin' brilliant.
I think I saw this goalie in the World Cup playing for Paraguay. No, wait, this guy sort of tried to stop the ball. Ads not safe for work.
Wow...that's just wrong. Tigger wouldn't go out like a punk...even though I've never seen Deadwood, this is still pretty funny.
This guy's going for father and husband of the year. Lighting your family on fire, then settling down for a beer? That's a Miller High Life man.
It's a darn good thing I don't steal cable anymore...I mean, why, I would never, EVER steal cable! That would be dishonest and wrong.
Sometimes the only way to fight bacteria is with bacteria...but I sure as heck don't want it in my toothpaste.
This is a poorly made side scroller...but it gets included because it has zombies. That one addition alone salvages the game.Adding zombies is almost equivalent to adding monkeys, ninjas, midgets, or pirates.
Man shoots his wife after seeing an Indian movie on marriage. Well, having sat through Bollywood movies myself, I would understand more if she had killed him for forcing her to watch one of those ridiculous movies.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Farkin' Links Vol. 192
If mankind minus one were of one opinion, then mankind is no more justified in silencing the one than the one - if he had the power - would be justified in silencing mankind.
-John Stuart Mill
Although it's a somewhat sloppy statement, I can understand his sentiments. Free speech isn't about letting people say things you agree with; it's letting people say things you despise...but I think you can still beat the crap out of them if you want. As long as you do it one on one, mano y mano. That way it's not a lynching. It's just a plain ol' *ss-whuppin'.
Damn, I need to get me a Zombie Preparedness Kit. At the very least, it would keep the Jehovah's Witnesses and the magazine salespeople away. No, I do NOT want to help you save money for college or a copy of the Watchtower! Eat pellets, punk!
I may have had GI Joe pajamas...but they still didn't get me beat up nearly as much as these would have.
This is kinda neat. This chick put together a collage of a picture of herself every day since 2001. Unfortunately, the ads are unsafe for work.
Oh boy...this could only happen in Florida. A woman was mauled to death trying to wash her dog. I can understand if it was a cat, but dogs usually like water.
Speaking of Florida, this police chief had his house broken into while he was giving a lecture on crime prevention...why, that's, that's "like rain...on your wedding day..."
Since we're on the subject of strange places, here's a nice spot for a "Japanese people are crazy" link. They're not quite sure if the women only cars on the subways are actually cutting down on the gropings...I dunno about you, but I wanna hear more about women only groping.
This has got to be one of the signs of the Apacalypse...K-Fed performing at the Teen Choice Awards. How has this guy not made it on his own?
Hehe...the site is Statue Molesters. I'd comment on the juvenile nature of these people, if I hadn't done this on countless occasions in other countries.
South Africa sounds like such a charming place. I'm so glad that the World Cup will be there in 4 years.
Damnit! Why didn't I get to see any rain dance appeals to gods while I was in Nepal? That settles it...my next vacation is Japan so I can ride the subway.
If mankind minus one were of one opinion, then mankind is no more justified in silencing the one than the one - if he had the power - would be justified in silencing mankind.
-John Stuart Mill
Although it's a somewhat sloppy statement, I can understand his sentiments. Free speech isn't about letting people say things you agree with; it's letting people say things you despise...but I think you can still beat the crap out of them if you want. As long as you do it one on one, mano y mano. That way it's not a lynching. It's just a plain ol' *ss-whuppin'.
Damn, I need to get me a Zombie Preparedness Kit. At the very least, it would keep the Jehovah's Witnesses and the magazine salespeople away. No, I do NOT want to help you save money for college or a copy of the Watchtower! Eat pellets, punk!
I may have had GI Joe pajamas...but they still didn't get me beat up nearly as much as these would have.
This is kinda neat. This chick put together a collage of a picture of herself every day since 2001. Unfortunately, the ads are unsafe for work.
Oh boy...this could only happen in Florida. A woman was mauled to death trying to wash her dog. I can understand if it was a cat, but dogs usually like water.
Speaking of Florida, this police chief had his house broken into while he was giving a lecture on crime prevention...why, that's, that's "like rain...on your wedding day..."
Since we're on the subject of strange places, here's a nice spot for a "Japanese people are crazy" link. They're not quite sure if the women only cars on the subways are actually cutting down on the gropings...I dunno about you, but I wanna hear more about women only groping.
This has got to be one of the signs of the Apacalypse...K-Fed performing at the Teen Choice Awards. How has this guy not made it on his own?
Hehe...the site is Statue Molesters. I'd comment on the juvenile nature of these people, if I hadn't done this on countless occasions in other countries.
South Africa sounds like such a charming place. I'm so glad that the World Cup will be there in 4 years.
Damnit! Why didn't I get to see any rain dance appeals to gods while I was in Nepal? That settles it...my next vacation is Japan so I can ride the subway.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Farkin' Links Vol. 191
Another day, another season for 24. As I mentioned before, I got through the 2nd season of 24 in about 3 days...which is either impressive or pathetic, depending on your point of view. It's easily my new favorite show, although one I could never actually watch while it's on tv. There's no way I'd want to wait a week to find out what happened; for some reason, cliff hanging type events always seem to occur around the end of any particular hour. A strange coincidence, no?
Jack Bauer has officially become the baddest man to ever appear on television. I don't care if he's played by one of the brat pack who can't be more than 5'5", nor do I care that he's incessantly screaming "Tell me where the bomb/virus/insert storyline MacGuffin here is!" He's easily the most ruthless hero character that has ever been put on prime time. He makes Batman look like a queer in tights...of course, the tights don't help out Batman in this argument. Still, how many heroes have you seen develop a heroin addiction trying to go undercover with a drug cartel? How many heroes would shoot a protected witness, remove his head with a knife, and deliver it to a villian in order to penetrate his inner circle?
Oh sure, there are plenty of plot holes and ridiculous contrivances to make the plot work. I mean, come on, a Senator getting elected President? Ha, you wish, John Kerry, Bob Dole, etc. The most ridiculous plot point is the fact that people can drive around Los Angeles at will. Just once I wanna see Jack Bauer stuck on the 101 downtown listening to KFI for and episode and a half. He thinks his day is bad? It would be much worse if he had to sit in traffic for 4 hours.
I think one of the major draws to this show is that they kill off a man character every couple of episodes. It's like Survivor, only the person voted off the island is either shot in the head, or infected with some ebola virus...which, I think would make Survivor much more watchable. In fact, unless your name is either Keifer or Sutherland, chances are you're not making it through the day. In fact, you're more likely to actually be shot in the head by Jack Bauer than anyone else...and that includes the good guys. I'm telling you, Jack is one bad mutha...
The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half.
-Fyodor Dostoevsky
This "kid" is in little league...and it's not even the Dominican Republic? I call shenanigans.
This bartender just guaranteed he's getting no tips. This is why bartenders rank very high on the list of people who wield far too much power for their job title.
Firefighters were almost murdered for not rescuing a cat from a tree. Well, maybe that's excessive, but isn't that really all they're good for most days? I'd rather have them doing something useful instead of playing playstation at their station.
Damn; this little 6 year old is one bad...actually, he doesn't need counseling. He needs a swift kick in the *ss.
The average age of a child prostitute in Phoenix is 13. I wonder how much field testing was required?
This is a fun little racer...that I totally suck at. It's a damn good thing I don't drive as bad in real life as I do in video games.
Wow...Indian man wants one of his two functioning penises removed. I say keep it and go into Japanese porn. I'm sure Alex would buy at least two copies of all your films.
Awww...I love all my moms too. Of course, my dad hasn't been married to them at the same time.
This is a cute site with basic football 101 identifying positions and plays. It's a good start for the ladies...and Abe, who picks his fantasy football players with his eyes closed and a strong faith in God. Not a chance this season, Abe. Not a chance.
This is quite an impressive weed factory. Moody, don't book the flight to Tennessee just yet. I'm guessing this place has already been shut down.
Another day, another season for 24. As I mentioned before, I got through the 2nd season of 24 in about 3 days...which is either impressive or pathetic, depending on your point of view. It's easily my new favorite show, although one I could never actually watch while it's on tv. There's no way I'd want to wait a week to find out what happened; for some reason, cliff hanging type events always seem to occur around the end of any particular hour. A strange coincidence, no?
Jack Bauer has officially become the baddest man to ever appear on television. I don't care if he's played by one of the brat pack who can't be more than 5'5", nor do I care that he's incessantly screaming "Tell me where the bomb/virus/insert storyline MacGuffin here is!" He's easily the most ruthless hero character that has ever been put on prime time. He makes Batman look like a queer in tights...of course, the tights don't help out Batman in this argument. Still, how many heroes have you seen develop a heroin addiction trying to go undercover with a drug cartel? How many heroes would shoot a protected witness, remove his head with a knife, and deliver it to a villian in order to penetrate his inner circle?
Oh sure, there are plenty of plot holes and ridiculous contrivances to make the plot work. I mean, come on, a Senator getting elected President? Ha, you wish, John Kerry, Bob Dole, etc. The most ridiculous plot point is the fact that people can drive around Los Angeles at will. Just once I wanna see Jack Bauer stuck on the 101 downtown listening to KFI for and episode and a half. He thinks his day is bad? It would be much worse if he had to sit in traffic for 4 hours.
I think one of the major draws to this show is that they kill off a man character every couple of episodes. It's like Survivor, only the person voted off the island is either shot in the head, or infected with some ebola virus...which, I think would make Survivor much more watchable. In fact, unless your name is either Keifer or Sutherland, chances are you're not making it through the day. In fact, you're more likely to actually be shot in the head by Jack Bauer than anyone else...and that includes the good guys. I'm telling you, Jack is one bad mutha...
The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half.
-Fyodor Dostoevsky
This "kid" is in little league...and it's not even the Dominican Republic? I call shenanigans.
This bartender just guaranteed he's getting no tips. This is why bartenders rank very high on the list of people who wield far too much power for their job title.
Firefighters were almost murdered for not rescuing a cat from a tree. Well, maybe that's excessive, but isn't that really all they're good for most days? I'd rather have them doing something useful instead of playing playstation at their station.
Damn; this little 6 year old is one bad...actually, he doesn't need counseling. He needs a swift kick in the *ss.
The average age of a child prostitute in Phoenix is 13. I wonder how much field testing was required?
This is a fun little racer...that I totally suck at. It's a damn good thing I don't drive as bad in real life as I do in video games.
Wow...Indian man wants one of his two functioning penises removed. I say keep it and go into Japanese porn. I'm sure Alex would buy at least two copies of all your films.
Awww...I love all my moms too. Of course, my dad hasn't been married to them at the same time.
This is a cute site with basic football 101 identifying positions and plays. It's a good start for the ladies...and Abe, who picks his fantasy football players with his eyes closed and a strong faith in God. Not a chance this season, Abe. Not a chance.
This is quite an impressive weed factory. Moody, don't book the flight to Tennessee just yet. I'm guessing this place has already been shut down.
Farkin' LInks Vol. 190
I have nothing to add from yesterday. I'm still bitter over our embarrassing beatdown in the championship game. I'll just leave you with a quote.
The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever.
-Anatole France
Here's a nice nominee for Mother of the Year. I love her justification; It is tough to find something you could do together with your son.
Who says Asian people can't dunk? Sure...they need a trampoline, but that was still pretty cool.
In case you weren't convinced that France is going to become part of the caliphate, go ahead and read this article.
This is pretty neat; color pictures from the 30s and 40s. It almost looks like it could be happening today. Usually, those black and white photos make America seem like an alien land.
Well...I found the Christmas cards I wanna send out this year. Oh, who am I kidding? I never send out Christmas cards.
I wasn't planning on using my Ipod Nano to murder anyone...but I guess it's nice to have options.
I guess there's just no escaping the deadly blue screen of death...even in the perfect world of Star Trek.
Well, this is the best reason I've ever heard for breast implants. Remember ladies, it's for your own protection.
Have you ever seen Mr. T dance? I pity the foo' who hasn't!
Ouch. I'd feel sorry for a guy getting his head run over by a train...except for the fact that he got his legs run over 7 years earlier. This, my friends, is called evolution in action.
I have nothing to add from yesterday. I'm still bitter over our embarrassing beatdown in the championship game. I'll just leave you with a quote.
The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever.
-Anatole France
Here's a nice nominee for Mother of the Year. I love her justification; It is tough to find something you could do together with your son.
Who says Asian people can't dunk? Sure...they need a trampoline, but that was still pretty cool.
In case you weren't convinced that France is going to become part of the caliphate, go ahead and read this article.
This is pretty neat; color pictures from the 30s and 40s. It almost looks like it could be happening today. Usually, those black and white photos make America seem like an alien land.
Well...I found the Christmas cards I wanna send out this year. Oh, who am I kidding? I never send out Christmas cards.
I wasn't planning on using my Ipod Nano to murder anyone...but I guess it's nice to have options.
I guess there's just no escaping the deadly blue screen of death...even in the perfect world of Star Trek.
Well, this is the best reason I've ever heard for breast implants. Remember ladies, it's for your own protection.
Have you ever seen Mr. T dance? I pity the foo' who hasn't!
Ouch. I'd feel sorry for a guy getting his head run over by a train...except for the fact that he got his legs run over 7 years earlier. This, my friends, is called evolution in action.
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