*Go ahead....pull my finger!*


I'm taking a look at whether or not most of Scorsese's movies live up to his reputation as a great director as well as being films that I'd want to watch again. We'll take a brief look at my experiences with his oeuvre. (Oeuvre used correctly in a sentence? 100 points!)

Taxi Driver (1976): A haunting performance by Robert DeNiro playing a mental case who feels like an outsider to the world he hates and his grasp on reality is tenuous at best. It's a good movie with ambiguous ending perfect for film students to endlessly debate until you want to punch them in the mouth, but the mind of Travis Bickle is definitely not something you want to revisit. You might find yourself start to agree with him.

Raging Bull (1980): Robert DeNiro again playing a paranoid mental case, this time a championship boxer, that cannot adjust to the world and slowly destroys his family and friends until he's alone. DeNiro is a repulsive character whose only redeeming quality is his drive to win. Definitely not something I want to experience again; an ugly movie full of ugly people. Pass.

King of Comedy (1982): Robert DeNiro (Jeez, doesn't he know anybody else?) plays an obsessive mental case, this time an aspiring stand-up comedian, who will do anything to succeed and not be the loser he currently is in a life he hates. Incidentally, it also has an ambiguous ending that may be a paranoid fantasy of the main character, just like Taxi Driver. Wow...anyone seeing a pattern here? The movie was...okay. I think I'd rather rewatch Taxi Driver, and I really, really don't want to see that again.

After Hours (1985): Griffin Dunne, who is best known for not being Robert DeNiro (Well, he really didn't do much, unless you count An American Werewolf in London), a relatively normal office worker, experiences a bunch of random, Kafkaesque encounters over the course of one night. Our protagonist isn't the insane one this time; it's the world he inhabits that's completely crazy. This one is actually quite fun; rather light fare compared to the previous movies. I would watch it again. I mean, Cheech and Chong are in it. Sold!

Color of Money (1986): This one's interesting; it's a needless sequel to a great film, The Hustler, picking up years after the first one. The main character from the first, Paul Newman as fast Eddie Felson, a great pool player, acts as a mentor to a ridiculous, overacting caricature played by Tom Cruise. People love this movie and I'm not sure why, other than the fact that Paul Newman is awesome and could make a commercial about life insurance entertaining. It's your standard old man getting his mojo back through working with a youthful mirror of himself story; somehow, there isn't any real insanity, other than Tom Cruise being Tom Cruise. It's rewatchable, but in my opinion, unnecessary in the first place. I think the writer needed the money.

Bad (1987): Okay, this isn't a movie, but it's easily the funniest thing Scorsese ever made, featuring Michael Jackson as a bad ass gangster. I could watch this on loop forever; some of the finest unintentional comedy ever made. I'm not sure if Scorsese was being straight here, or has a better sense of humor than I usually give him credit for.

Last Temptation of Christ (1988): Story of Jesus' last moments on the cross, showing him to be a paranoid mental case who believes the world is out to get him, and I suppose if anyone deserves to feel that, it's him. Now we're back in crazytown; the only thing missing is DeNiro. Despite the fact this is supposed to be taking place in Judea 2,000 years ago, have the characters have a New York accent. You couldn't pay me to see this again.

Goodfellas (1990): Here is Scorsese's masterpiece on life in the mafia through the eyes of a low level gangster. This is right up there with the Godfather as greatest mafia film, and depending on the day you ask me, the best. Do we have paranoid mental cases? Check. Do we have self destructive characters that can't exist in the real world? Check. Do we have DeNiro smirking his way through the film? Double check. The only thing we're missing is a dream sequence/fantasy ending, although I suppose you could make a case for it if you're desperate. Rewatchable? Hell, I'm watching it right now.

Cape Fear (1991): A remake of a fun little thriller made more, uh, Scorsese-like and 100 percent more Robert DeNiro. I think he directed this while he was counting the money that they paid him to do this commercial thriller. It's certainly one of the laziest films he's made, with unnecessary plot holes. Although, I'll give DeNiro props; even playing a paranoid mental case murderer for the umpteenth time in a Scorsese film doesn't cause him to mail in his performance. Yet, at least. I wouldn't want to watch this again. I'd rather watch the original with Gregory Peck and my favorite pothead, Robert Mitchum, or better yet, the Simpson's spoof with Sideshow Bob.

Age of Innocence (1993): Haha...just kidding. I haven't gotten around to seeing this period piece, and well, it's not even on my Netflix queue. It does have Daniel Day Lewis in it, so I'll put it on the maybe list.

Casino (1995): I liked it better when it was in New York and called Goodfellas. Ummm...on the plus side, it has DeNiro in it. Yeah...it's on my no rewatch list.

Kundun (1997): I think he must have lost a bet or something...most likely after someone got him rip roaring drunk. A movie about the Dalai Lama? Really? I haven't seen it, no intention of seeing it, hope to forget it was ever made right after this. Unless Robert DeNiro plays old Dalai Lama...Nope, no such luck.

Bringing out the Dead (1999): Unfortunately, it's not related to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Instead, it's about Nicholas Cage and Nick Cage's giant forehead, who plays an ambulance driver with insomnia slowly turning into a mental case who can't adjust to the world and all it's evil and violence. This movie sucks donkey balls, but I'll admit I'm a little biased. I turned off the Monday Night Football game of Dolphins-Jets since the Dolphins were up big going into the second half. Little did I know it was about to become a legendary overtime comeback from Mr. Greenballs, himself. Screw you, Cage! Pop a goddamn Ambien and take a nap! You work at a fucking hospital! How hard is this? Seriously?

Gangs of New York (2002): This is the beginning of the Leo connection with Scorsese, where he takes the place of DeNiro in pretty much all his films. It's not a very good start. This is a revenge tale set mostly during the Civil War in New York (big shocker there, I know) about a young man out to avenge his father's murder at the hands of a criminal boss called Bill the Butcher, played by Daniel Day Lewis. The story is pretty much by the numbers and is only saved from being a total turkey with Lewis' hilariously over the top performance and nifty mustache. Seriously, his mustache is awesome. It's performance might be even more impressive than the man it's attached to. No crazies or hallucinations in this one; just one seriously tweeked out criminal and Leo playing an angsty tough with daddy issues. I wanted to walk out of this in the theater; no way in hell I'm sitting through the whole thing again. I can be talked into watching scenes starring Lewis' mustache, though.

The Aviator (2004): Starring Leo DiCaprio as Howard Hughes, the delusional mental case/richest man in the world, it's a pretty straight forward biopic. The insanity of Hughes is mostly seen from without as opposed to letting the audience experience the madness as is Scorsese's usual style. It's not a bad movie, but aside from the great costumes and Cate Blanchett's perfect impersonation of Katherine Hepburn, it's largely forgettable. Leo once again looks like a high school kid dressing up like his dad for much of the movie, but his performance is decent. I wouldn't actively watch it again, but if it was on cable, I might leave it on in the background.

The Departed (2006): I absolutely loathe this movie and cannot understand how anyone even liked it, let alone how it won the Academy Award for best picture. Based on a Hong Kong crime flick, Infernal Affairs, it stars Leo as an undercover cop infiltrating the worst disguised criminal organization ever put on film. Jack Nicholson mugs his way through the movie in a way that makes me think the drug dealers in New York had a very good year during the filming of this movie. With plot holes you could fly a 747 through, logical inconsistencies that are laughable at first but quickly become angering, this film is just plain bad. Much like the Matrix and the Star wars sequels, I like to pretend this movie never happened. Let's move on.

I've probably left out a couple of things, but this is most of what he's known for. Let's tally them up and see what we find. Well, 11 out of 16 of his movies I wouldn't want to watch again with 2 being a maybe. That means he's only made 3 movies that I would happily sit through today. That's a pretty poor showing on the re watchable scale. However, 9 of these 16 movies I would rate as good-great. For me, it seems that most of his movies fit into the category of try once for the experience, but never go back, like traveling to India.

This brings us back to Shutter Island. I can't imagine it being great like Goodfellas, but I doubt it'll be as terrible as the Departed. I'm betting it'll fit somewhere between The Aviator and King of Comedy.

Verdict? Wait for the dvd.

I've been bombarded with advertisements for that new Scorsese movie, Shutter Island, all month long. It might be the shows I watch and the fact that I'm lazy with the fast forward button on my DVR, but it's also because I'm utterly fascinated by Leonardo DiCaprio's goofy Bawston accent, fleshy yet youthful face, and 50s getup complete with fedora that makes him look like a high school kid playing dress up for a school play. Don't get me wrong; I like Leo in most everything I've seen him in. I just think people overrate his abilities to pull off certain roles, such as any role that requires you to take him seriously as an adult. He always pulls me out of the illusion of the movie's world with his adolescent face and his overly intense stares. Well, that and his generally questionable accents, i.e. Blood Diamond, the Departed... I suppose he's starting to age into his face; but much like Robert Downey, Jr., he needs to really wait until he's around 40 before I'll ever take him seriously as a lead hero type.

This new movie, Shutter Island, looks like a generic mind-fuck thriller set in the 50s because, well, the outfits were cool. Just from watching the previews, I can tell the movie is going to either end in a massive conspiracy outed, or Leo's character is crazy and hallucinated everything. Since I already know the only two possible outcomes, will the movie still be enjoyable? If you love movies, you know that is a resounding yes. Movies are enjoyable because they have unique cinematography, contain entertaining performances, and are well written; usually in that order. There are plenty of mindless movies with wooden performances and stilted dialogue that remain fun and entertaining the watch; most of Schwarzenegger's movies of the 80s come to mind. Still, if a movie contains those three elements, it is generally going to be a great movie that you can watch over and over again.

While those three elements will make a great movie, they do not make a rewatchable movie. Often, this is where the theme of the movie comes into play. For example, the recent George Clooney film, Up in the Air, contained all three of those elements. The framing of the scenes added much to the feel and success to the audience's investment in the story, Clooney is better than he's probably ever been in anything, not to mention Vera Farmiga and Anna Kendrick's amazing performances, and the script is at turns, funny, sad, and poignant. I would say it's one of the better movies I saw this year, but I have no desire to ever watch it again. Why, you ask? Okay, I asked myself, but I enjoy talking to myself. Bear with me. The theme of the movie was extraordinarily depressing, and the main character was a shallow, failure of a man. Much of the movie revolves around people being fired and having their entire lives upended and potentially destroyed. Unless you have an acute case of schadenfreude, I can't imagine wanting to see this again. Great tragedies are usually warning calls to not get caught up in hubris and arrogance and are demonstrated using interesting, deep, and powerful characters who have something to lose. Clooney's character is lacking all these things. Hence, he has nothing to lose. In fact, every other character in the movie is far more interesting, which I suppose was the point the director was trying to make. It's probably why Clooney was so good at pulling off a shallow existence; it seems to mirror his own. While the film was entirely successful at getting across what it wanted, it was in no way an experience people would want to revisit.

What does this have to do with Leo and his Shuttah Ahhhland movie? I'm wondering if it's worth it. Scorsese has a history of making movies in that fashion I've described. Well filmed, great performances by outstanding actors, tight scripting and dialogue, as well as being a movie you'd rather do most anything else than sit through again. While I'm hardly a Scorsese expert, I've seen a good chunk of movies that he's made. I'll go through them tomorrow and see which ones were good to greatas well as which ones are rewatchable, and we'll see if my theory matches the reality of my experiences with his movies.

It was a nice weekend getting out of the house for the first time in two weeks. The crazy cold from the bowels of hell that incapacitated me with racking coughs and buckets of phlegm seems to have taken a break until next cold season allowing me to face the world once again. There was the dinner at Kushi Shabu, a hot pot-cook-your own-all-you-can-eat Japanese spot that was expensive and highly overrated. All you can eat? Well, when it tastes like bland, generic meat, I suddenly find I don't end up wanting too much of it. To make the matters worse, the thin strips of meat that they do give you to cook begin to pollute the water in the most disgusting fashion. Eventually, you have this brownish gunk floating on the surface; a sort of meat puke, if you will. Hoo boy, nothing like scraping dark snot off your dinner. I know I'm still hungry! I'm already morally opposed to having to cook my own dinner at a restaurant anyways. I have plenty of friends who live this crap, but I'll say what I always say; if I wanted to cook, I would stay at home and microwave a burrito. You should at least get a discount, what with having to do most of the labor.

I'd mention the club and the goofy, drunken shenanigans, but they weren't as interesting as when we were in our twenties. Now it's just sad. Anytime you have a friend who ends up suffering from gout like symptoms from drinking, it might be time to think about laying off the binge drinking. I will say the place we went to was a sort of hybrid bar/club where it basically represented the worst of both. It was way too loud to talk to someone, but their dance floor was away from the main area and tiny. I think you should either go all out with the club, or try and make it into a fun bar atmosphere. But, what do I know? The place was crowded enough as is. Plus, I didn't have to pay a cover, so that almost made up for the deafening music and the 12 dollar drinks.

Now that I'm able to walk two steps without coughing violently, I was able to play in the adult league basketball game this Sunday. It's no secret that my game resembles Brian Scalabrine more than Paul Pierce. I'm fairly terrible, for the most part. I'm there to rebound, box out, and play physical defense. As far as scoring is concerned, I'm the 7th option on a team with 7 players. Well, make that 6th option; Newjen is even less involved than I am in a given game. This was our third game of the season, and coming off two dominating performances against our last two opponents, we were feeling pretty confident. Well, our good players were, anyways. I was just hoping to not to pass out from being physically weakened from my sickness. With our last two victories being over 20 points, we've had good reason to be confident. Our opponent was supposed to be one of the good teams in our league, but they were either replaced with pod people, or aliens stole their basketball talents. With 5 minutes left in the half, we were up by 30-6. Needless to say, they began to get frustrated and one of their players, this chubby short white guy who thought he was Lebron, started to get chippy.

With the frustration mounting, our opponents went to the usual outlet; blame the refs. However, the refs weren't really having it that night. It might be because we were putting down an epic ass whoopin' on them and they had no idea why they would be complaining about calls. In fact, at one point, one of the refs actually asked white Lebron, "You're down 29 points. What exactly do you want? This game was over 15 minutes ago!" The result wasn't surprising; at least 4 technical fouls on their team for stupid decisions and loudly cursing. They've decided to crack down on the profanity in our league recently, but they only enforce it sparingly, usually to keep a situation from escalating. I think they're hoping to keep people from threatening to knife someone in the parking lot after the game, as a former teammate once did. (True story)

My favorite exchange between the refs and white Lebron was when he went barreling into one of our best players, Josh, and had his shot casually swatted away. He continued his forward progress crashing into Josh and tumbling onto his back in proper melodramatic fashion, then leaped up yelling at the ref, wondering where his foul call was. The ref dismissively looked down at him, clapped his hands and said, "Hear that? That was the sound of the ball getting cleanly smacked out of your possession. Just because you run into someone out of control doesn't mean you get a call. Now play ball." I started to feel bad for the other team and they even began to get embarrassed for the performance of their most outspoken teammate. When the game mercifully ended (which resulted in the one ref rolling her eyes and yelling out, "Finally! Thank god!") with a 30 point victory, we all did the usual sportsmanlike shaking of hands and wishing each other good luck in our next games. Because White Lebron is a complete dick, he couldn't even just silently nod his head and decided to try and pick a fight with Josh after the game. With his award winning unsportsmanlike attitude, I guess he is similar to Lebron after all. His actions were so shameful that one of the guys from the team actually walked over to us after the game to apologize for his teammate. All I can say is, we'll probably see them in the playoffs. That'll be interesting, to say the least. I just hope nobody gets thrown out.

Holy crap...it's sure been a long time since I've posted on my blog. Would you believe 4 years? I can't hardly believe I've been super lazy for that long. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm far lazier than that. Still, I need this writing practice to hone my communication skillz...and to make sure I stop using a z in place of an s subconsciously.

So, what's happened in my life since my last posting? I've continued my goal of traveling the world, but doing so in bite sized blocks as opposed to staying in one location and learning how real people live in their neck of the woods. I mean, there's not that big a difference between people's wants and desires in any part of the world. Everybody eats, shits, and fucks pretty much the same wherever you go...well, except maybe in Amsterdam. I know many travelers are interested in living like a local and learning the idiosyncrasies of alien societies, but frankly, I'm not that interested for one good reason; the continuing homogenization of the world culture. Do you know what's right across the street from the magnificent Sphinx and the great pyramid? A fucking KFC and a Pizza hut. Do you know what the most popular spot I noticed in Spain on a summer day? McDonald's and their cheap, tasty, softserve icecream cones. What do you think was on television when I drifted off to sleep a stone's throw away from the Petra national park in Jordan? Reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the A-team. I'm sure once upon a time, you could go to another country and escape the influence of the American popular culture, but unless you're smack in the middle of the Ghobi desert, you're going to see someone walk by yakking on a cell phone wearing Nike's and talking about last night's episode of CSI: Miami.

This isn't to say there aren't cultural differences in the countries I've been to; obviously, there are huge gulfs in understanding on a whole range of cultural, political, and philosophical issues. Still, trying to escape the web of American television and product placement is a losing battle that I no longer have any interest in. I'm not even sure it's that bad of a thing; I like being able to access the internet when I'm in other countries. I like grabbing a Big Mac every once in a while to remind myself of terribly unhealthy home food. And frankly, I happen to like reruns of Friends. In fact, I'd go further and suggest that the world should take yet another page out of American and start actually refrigerating their damn drinks and maybe, just maybe, get with the 20th century and use fucking ice cubes.

As I've told my friends, I travel for a selfish reason; I want to see historical sights and locations I've read about with my own eyes. I want to gaze on the plains of Zama in present day Tunisia, because world history was completely altered forever at that sight. I want to climb the pyramids of the ancient Maya, stand in the ruined palace of the ancient Minoans, and crawl through the Cu Chi tunnels to see how the Viet Kong survived in wartime. These things I do to expand my imagination of times ancient or recently past. Perhaps it's the romantic in me that wants to keep these experiences separate from everyday, mundane crap that people do to stay alive. Just in Los Angeles alone, there are hundreds of interesting historical sights and museums. I've probably only experienced a fraction of them. Why? Because this is the city I spend the dull, uninteresting moments of my life. This place is home and familiar to the point that I'm mentally discouraged from caring about it on that level anymore.

I should work on that; start broadening my horizons as far as my own hometown is concerned, but everywhere I look reminds me of my normal life. When I leave to places I've only read about, it's fresh and unspoiled in my mind. Think about your life and your memories. What do you remember of your neighborhood? It's familiar, kind of like an old comfortable pair of shoes. You spend so much time there, however, that you start not even seeing it. It just is, imprinted on your brain like background noise.

My mind is hungry for unique and original sights; not for shopping at the supermarket or eating at a generic cafe. I think the longer you stay anywhere, the less interesting it becomes. I have no problem with this and it's effect on Los Angeles and the surrounding areas, but I don't want this to happen to the amazing places I've seen. I watched a wedding party take photos in front of Angkor Wat, completely oblivious to the incredible view. They lived there. It wasn't that interesting anymore. I stare at the Disney concert hall every morning walking into the office. I don't even notice it anymore and wonder where all the goofy tourists in sandals and ugly hats clutching their cameras and guidebooks are rushing off to. Granted, the Disney concert hall is no Angkor Wat, but the point remains. Much like relationships, the longer you spend with someone, the less mysterious and interesting they become. I would never want that to happen to the places I've seen on my trips. It would be like murdering my memories.

Farkin' Links Vol. 197

Has anybody seen or heard about this Brawny Academy? Apparently, the Brawny man has turned from a bad ass lumberjack to a clean shaven, sensitive, new age guy in a flannel. He's basically turned into Al Gore. On this show, he's supposed to teach a group of married men how to be "more thoughtful, more helpful...even more romantic." Oh, that's right...he's also going to teach them how to grow a vagina. Since he's intent on turning these men into women, I suppose that would be the next step. Obviously, the group of fools they got to show up on this show deserve to be completely emasculated, but this feminization of society is a depressing trend. Of course, knowing as much about women as I do(which ain't much), I know that once they manage to turn their men into a servant, they'll get bored and move on to that mysterious, married man who gets them all excited down below. But hey, at least these Brawny men can cry on each other's shoulders on Brokeback Mountain afterwards.

Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.
--Oscar Wilde


Here's a nice collection of the top erotic Atari games...which is kind of like having a list of the most erotic Golden Girls cast members. My vote goes for Bea Arthur.

This reporter may actually be dumber than Brick Tamland from Anchorman...and he was retarded.

O.K., I may have put this shirt on before...but it's still so stupid it made me laugh...which I'll admit, isn't particularly hard.

Being crushed by a giant cage in a freak balloon accident isn't funny...unless it happens to a clown.

This Vietnamese criminal must have inspired that Martin Lawrence movie, Blue Streak.

I'm beginning to think Florida has a "Hellmouth" ala Buffy the Vampire Slayer, only it attracts nutjobs and crazies. In central Florida, they're looking for the naked tickler...how hard is it to find a naked man running through the streets?

If you think I have a lot of time on my hands, check out this guy's hobby of recreating Nazi war scenes with G.I. Joe sized dolls. I think Alex just pissed his pants in excitement and jealousy.

Just to prove, once again, that anything can be had on the internet, check this out. I know I'd like infant blood that doesn't spoil so quickly.

Uh oh...the raccoons are about to conquer Washington State. I, for one, welcome our new furry, masked overlords. I sure hope they haven't heard about that raccoon I ran over up in Oakland.

Here's a strange sketch collection of various cartoon characters with what would be their internal skeleton. These are some deformed people.

Farkin' Links Vol. 196

USA! USA! Our little leaguers just kicked the crap out of the world's little leaguers, so it's reason to celebrate. Nothing like putting the intense pressure of all your country's expectations on 11 year olds. That won't result in any long term scarring, right? It's not like parents aren't already living vicariously through their children when they're competing in the local championship in butt-f*ck nowheres; imagine what kind of crap they go through when they're representing their damn country on ESPN. There's gonna be a lot of therapists making some good money 10 years from now.

The great part about the victory by the Georgia team is that they beat a Japanese team. Nothing warms my heart like seeing Japanese children bawling their eyes out as their dreams lie broken and strewn about the ballfield like so much litter. I'm still bitter over Pearl Harbor. I mean, if they can act like victims every anniversary of Hiroshima and Nagasaki which only occurred due to a war they started, than I can remain angry about the death and destruction they reigned down on the world because of an arrogant, racist, self importance. On the other hand, they do make really good cars. Of course, so do zee Germans. I wonder if there is a correlation?

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.
--Evan Esar

Since I've just bashed on the Japanese, I will give them their props with this article. They do make the coolest food...I mean, chocolate goldfish? BRILLIANT!

Stretching is always a good thing when you're working out. This, however, is called getting a little TOO loose.

I know Paul may disagree, but I'd say this was a much better prank than making it look like his car was stolen. Of course, we managed not to get prosecuted.

Here's Maxim's greatest 11 movie coaches. I don't see how they missed the Fonz' turn in the Waterboy...but mostly I love the fact that they managed to reference Big Trouble in Little China. That may be the greatest movie ever made.

I'd say this guy's theory that Fight Club really revolves around a grown up Calvin and Hobbes is nutty...if it weren't so eerily spot on. I want you all to complete the discussion questions so we can have a roundtable discussion later.

This is a ridiculously terrible game involving Bill Cosby, pudding, and murder. I only include it because The Hoff is in it. Everything is better with the Hoff. In fact, he goes on the pirates, ninjas, monkeys, and midgets list.

Speaking of the Hoff...this would be the best birthday present ever! I can't understand this kid. He's obviously a damn loser.

Cool...this commercial is a nice blast from the past. I have no idea what this game was, but I suddenly want to buy it. NSFW.

This site just keeps on giving. This one is for Moody; this was his favorite song in Germany...other than Nelly Furtado's Promiscious.

Newjen should love this one; it's not quite as good as his fireworks special on the 4th, but neither is the one at Disneyland. Still, these bunch of rednecks put on quite a potential forest fire.

Farkin' Links Vol. 195

First off, I think everyone should congratulate Moody on his engagement to his lovely and charming fiance, Fatima. They had a really nice engagement party this past Sunday which involved weird Arabic music, Moody's dad telling embarrassing stories about his son (I'm sure he's been waiting for 29 years to do that; of course, his were cute, funny stories, not like the embarrassing we could have told. We'll just have to save those for his wedding), and this weird Xena: Warrior Princess war cry from the women at various times during the party. All in all, a very successful event and I wish nothing but happiness and success for the two of them.

The only other notable thing I did this weekend was change an air filter in a car. What should take 2 minutes took me about 20. I think car designers go out of their way to make it almost impossible to access parts of their engine without breaking another component. Personally, I think that's for our safety. I certainly don't want to be on the road with people who do their own brakes, which is why I try to not drive with Jack. I only bring this up because it reminded me of an incident when Jiffy Lube tried to take advantage of me. The "mechanic" comes in holding a horrifically dirty air filter and asks me if I'd like to get it changed out. I answer,"Well, maybe if you showed me my actual air filter, I could tell you." Acting confused he asked me what I meant. I told him that the air filter in his hand isn't the same type as the one in my car, so either he's an idiot, or a liar. He chose option number one and pretended that it was another guy's air filter and went off to find him. I don't mind paying professionals to make sure my car runs correctly, but I don't like being insulted. According to Scott Adams, the definition of a professional is someone who knows a little bit more than you. I'd recommend everyone look into learning a bit about their car in order to discourage this type of robbery.

For our "Japanese people are crazy" link, we revist that wacky exercise/English lesson show. They're doing prep work for visiting Detroit, learning what to say to potential muggers, rapists, and murders.

Those wacky Chinese keep trying to take away that crazy title from Japan. Probably revenge for that Nanking incident...anyways, in this story involves a woman trying to teach her dog how to drive. Maybe the dog realized she was taking him to her restaurant for dinner.

I bet you thought I was done with China...well, apparently the authorities had to step in and ban strippers being hired to perform at funerals. Personally, I think it's a wonderful idea. I'm sure my grandfather would have heartily approved.

Jumping across the Strait, Taiwan apparently has the worst drinking water in the world. Of course, dead bodies floating in your water supply will do that.

Here's a nice list of insane weathermen...although, I figured that was part of the job description. That, and a George Hamilton tan.

Darn it! I missed another nipple slip...this time at the Emmy's. Oh well, I'll just have to be content with my porn collection.

Wow...and you thought YOU had a bad weekend. Let this be a lesson; if you're planning on playing with dildos, make sure you use proper lubricant.

I dunno about you, but I want my tongue nowhere near my *ss...or vice versa.

From the Norweigan Department of Obviousness, 1 in 5 woman have been harrassed by drunken men the past year. Oddly enough, women 20-29 seem most at risk. Funny, I would have thought it was the 60-69...they look hot enough when I'm drunk.

This is rather amusing; the marines guarding Saddam are making him watch the South Park movie where he plays the gay lover of Satan. I'm not sure whether he's insulted or flattered.

Farkin' Links Vol. 194

Well, billing is tomorrow, so it's likely you ain't getting another one of these until next week. So enjoy your spam free day tomorrow. I had an ethical dilemma to deal with today. I was picking up lunch for Glenn in the office today, when I was jostled in the street by some crazy Asian lady with an umbrella. I was forced to break her umbrella in half and push her in front of a bus. By the way, that's not the ethical question yet. I dropped Glenn's fork into the street after this incident. Now, if you're not familiar with downtown Broadway, just imagine the most disgusting toilet you've ever seen, be it real or imagined; now imagine it covering an entire street. It's a place where you can actually see someone taking a crap right in broad daylight. Obviously this fork was not gonna be in good shape even with the 3 second rule in effect. The question is...should I tell him after he eats his meal with the fork, or should I keep it to myself?

I'm tired of these muthaf*cking snakes on this muthaf*cking helicopter! Uriel, I hope you do a better job of keeping these vermin off our nation's helicopters.

Hehe...listen to that engine purr...hey, did it just meow at me?These would be pretty cool ads for the Little League World Series; I think they should broaden the sponsors for this thing anyways. More people watch it than hockey.

I'm going to have to get my dad this shirt. This gives me flashbacks of growing up.

Hmmm...Lysol used to advertise itself for feminine hygiene. I'm just imagining the lovely Pine scent...

So...who wants a 29 year old virgin? No, I'm not talking about you, Jack, I'm talking about this chick who's pimping herself out on the internet.

Damn, who knew those cute, fluffy clouds could crush you like an empty beer can?

Ol' granny gets her profane personalized license plate, NWTF, back. I dunno; I think her last name is much more offensive, really.

Awww...Lindsay Lohan is mad about the fact that the media ignored Ashlee Simpson's nosejob. Can you blame them? They were too busy following your drunken escapades, b*tch!

...and last but certainly not least, is a gallery just for Andy. It's a collection of nipple slips from famous celebrities...don't get your hopes too high, Andy. Dave Gahan doesn't make an appearance. Not safe for work.

Farkin' Links Vol. 193

So, I was very amused by the strange email thread from yesterday. To make a long story short, it revolved around whether Andy would rather spend lunch with David Gahan, the lead singer for Depeche Mode, or some supposedly famous go-go dancer. Andy would rather spend the time with his idol from Depeche Mode, which caused the general reaction of, "What! Are you gay!" from everyone else. I can totally understand where he's coming from, though. I mean, there are thousands of go-go dancers, but only one lead singer of his favorite band. I could open up a phone book to escorts, and get any number of women to attend lunch with me. If the argument had been, lunch with Dave, or a night of wild sexcapades with said go-go dancer, the argument would be more difficult. Still, I can open a phone book to escorts and...well, you get the idea.

Thinking outside the box, however, I figured the best idea would be to have your cake and eat it too. I mean, if you go to lunch with Dave, but then invite the go-go dancer to come along and meet a rock star, chances are she's coming. From there, there are two likely scenarios. One, Dave starts hitting on the dancer, and is somewhat grateful for you for bringing something to the table, so you can use it to your advantage in backstage passes or some such nonsense. I think Andy wants to be a roadie. The other scenario would be that Dave is gay, but the go-go dancer is suitably impressed with your connections and you can parlay that into something as well. All in all, a pretty good situation for you. Andy, you wanna give this a try for us and tell us if it works?

On another subject, I watched Poseidon last night. This is the remake of the Poseidon Adventure from 1972. Now, everyone was on a lot of drugs back in the 70s, so I can understand how they somehow greenlighted a sequel. But, in this day and age, what were the powers that be thinking when they created this remake? The original was part of the disaster movie craze; Towering Inferno, Earthquake, Airport 77, that sort of thing. Take a group of well known actors, give them all shallow, one note personalities, place in a given life or death situation involving falling buildings, fires, or explosions where they're forced to work together in order to survive, rinse and repeat. That's basically the plot for all of these movies, and it remains the storyline for the new Poseidon. There are some pretty fun death scenes, lots of explosions for seemingly no reason(I think the ship may have been built out of asbestos, dynamite, and napalm) and lots of hold your breath water sequences. Does anybody else try to hold their breath along with a movie character to see if you could have swam down that 150 meter hallway, open a metal door with no leverage, and somehow find that one pocket of air? No...well, me neither. Forget I asked. Anyways, it's a fairly enjoyable popcorn flick, in that you're sort of rooting for everyone to die, if only to see how creative the filmmakers can make it. You may have noticed I've said absolutely nothing about the characters; well, the less said the better. They're just props that react to a giant cruise ship flipped over, on fire, and sinking. This movie is best viewed in the background while you're doing something else, or with 2 parts coke, 1 part Jack Daniels. I'll give it a 6/10, or in Tristan speak, a C+.

Hehe...many of you have seen the fauxtography going on with the Lebanon-Israeli war. The fakes, lies, and photoshopping. Well, now they have a do it yourself kit. This chick has been EVERYWHERE!

Wow! Not only do these ants bite faster than any living animal, but they know kung fu! They're like, flippy, ninja ants.

I wonder if Chris Hsieh had anything to do with this guide on not tipping bad waiters. It looks like his handiwork...I'm really gonn have to try the boxed lunch one, though. That one is flippin' brilliant.

I think I saw this goalie in the World Cup playing for Paraguay. No, wait, this guy sort of tried to stop the ball. Ads not safe for work.
Wow...that's just wrong. Tigger wouldn't go out like a punk...even though I've never seen Deadwood, this is still pretty funny.

This guy's going for father and husband of the year. Lighting your family on fire, then settling down for a beer? That's a Miller High Life man.

It's a darn good thing I don't steal cable anymore...I mean, why, I would never, EVER steal cable! That would be dishonest and wrong.

Sometimes the only way to fight bacteria is with bacteria...but I sure as heck don't want it in my toothpaste.

This is a poorly made side scroller...but it gets included because it has zombies. That one addition alone salvages the game.Adding zombies is almost equivalent to adding monkeys, ninjas, midgets, or pirates.

Man shoots his wife after seeing an Indian movie on marriage. Well, having sat through Bollywood movies myself, I would understand more if she had killed him for forcing her to watch one of those ridiculous movies.

Farkin' Links Vol. 192

If mankind minus one were of one opinion, then mankind is no more justified in silencing the one than the one - if he had the power - would be justified in silencing mankind.
-John Stuart Mill

Although it's a somewhat sloppy statement, I can understand his sentiments. Free speech isn't about letting people say things you agree with; it's letting people say things you despise...but I think you can still beat the crap out of them if you want. As long as you do it one on one, mano y mano. That way it's not a lynching. It's just a plain ol' *ss-whuppin'.


Damn, I need to get me a Zombie Preparedness Kit. At the very least, it would keep the Jehovah's Witnesses and the magazine salespeople away. No, I do NOT want to help you save money for college or a copy of the Watchtower! Eat pellets, punk!

I may have had GI Joe pajamas...but they still didn't get me beat up nearly as much as these would have.

This is kinda neat. This chick put together a collage of a picture of herself every day since 2001. Unfortunately, the ads are unsafe for work.

Oh boy...this could only happen in Florida. A woman was mauled to death trying to wash her dog. I can understand if it was a cat, but dogs usually like water.

Speaking of Florida, this police chief had his house broken into while he was giving a lecture on crime prevention...why, that's, that's "like rain...on your wedding day..."

Since we're on the subject of strange places, here's a nice spot for a "Japanese people are crazy" link. They're not quite sure if the women only cars on the subways are actually cutting down on the gropings...I dunno about you, but I wanna hear more about women only groping.

This has got to be one of the signs of the Apacalypse...K-Fed performing at the Teen Choice Awards. How has this guy not made it on his own?

Hehe...the site is Statue Molesters. I'd comment on the juvenile nature of these people, if I hadn't done this on countless occasions in other countries.

South Africa sounds like such a charming place. I'm so glad that the World Cup will be there in 4 years.

Damnit! Why didn't I get to see any rain dance appeals to gods while I was in Nepal? That settles it...my next vacation is Japan so I can ride the subway.

Farkin' Links Vol. 191

Another day, another season for 24. As I mentioned before, I got through the 2nd season of 24 in about 3 days...which is either impressive or pathetic, depending on your point of view. It's easily my new favorite show, although one I could never actually watch while it's on tv. There's no way I'd want to wait a week to find out what happened; for some reason, cliff hanging type events always seem to occur around the end of any particular hour. A strange coincidence, no?

Jack Bauer has officially become the baddest man to ever appear on television. I don't care if he's played by one of the brat pack who can't be more than 5'5", nor do I care that he's incessantly screaming "Tell me where the bomb/virus/insert storyline MacGuffin here is!" He's easily the most ruthless hero character that has ever been put on prime time. He makes Batman look like a queer in tights...of course, the tights don't help out Batman in this argument. Still, how many heroes have you seen develop a heroin addiction trying to go undercover with a drug cartel? How many heroes would shoot a protected witness, remove his head with a knife, and deliver it to a villian in order to penetrate his inner circle?

Oh sure, there are plenty of plot holes and ridiculous contrivances to make the plot work. I mean, come on, a Senator getting elected President? Ha, you wish, John Kerry, Bob Dole, etc. The most ridiculous plot point is the fact that people can drive around Los Angeles at will. Just once I wanna see Jack Bauer stuck on the 101 downtown listening to KFI for and episode and a half. He thinks his day is bad? It would be much worse if he had to sit in traffic for 4 hours.

I think one of the major draws to this show is that they kill off a man character every couple of episodes. It's like Survivor, only the person voted off the island is either shot in the head, or infected with some ebola virus...which, I think would make Survivor much more watchable. In fact, unless your name is either Keifer or Sutherland, chances are you're not making it through the day. In fact, you're more likely to actually be shot in the head by Jack Bauer than anyone else...and that includes the good guys. I'm telling you, Jack is one bad mutha...

The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half.
-Fyodor Dostoevsky

This "kid" is in little league...and it's not even the Dominican Republic? I call shenanigans.

This bartender just guaranteed he's getting no tips. This is why bartenders rank very high on the list of people who wield far too much power for their job title.

Firefighters were almost murdered for not rescuing a cat from a tree. Well, maybe that's excessive, but isn't that really all they're good for most days? I'd rather have them doing something useful instead of playing playstation at their station.

Damn; this little 6 year old is one bad...actually, he doesn't need counseling. He needs a swift kick in the *ss.

The average age of a child prostitute in Phoenix is 13. I wonder how much field testing was required?

This is a fun little racer...that I totally suck at. It's a damn good thing I don't drive as bad in real life as I do in video games.

Wow...Indian man wants one of his two functioning penises removed. I say keep it and go into Japanese porn. I'm sure Alex would buy at least two copies of all your films.

Awww...I love all my moms too. Of course, my dad hasn't been married to them at the same time.

This is a cute site with basic football 101 identifying positions and plays. It's a good start for the ladies...and Abe, who picks his fantasy football players with his eyes closed and a strong faith in God. Not a chance this season, Abe. Not a chance.

This is quite an impressive weed factory. Moody, don't book the flight to Tennessee just yet. I'm guessing this place has already been shut down.

Farkin' LInks Vol. 190

I have nothing to add from yesterday. I'm still bitter over our embarrassing beatdown in the championship game. I'll just leave you with a quote.

The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever.
-Anatole France

Here's a nice nominee for Mother of the Year. I love her justification; It is tough to find something you could do together with your son.

Who says Asian people can't dunk? Sure...they need a trampoline, but that was still pretty cool.

In case you weren't convinced that France is going to become part of the caliphate, go ahead and read this article.

This is pretty neat; color pictures from the 30s and 40s. It almost looks like it could be happening today. Usually, those black and white photos make America seem like an alien land.

Well...I found the Christmas cards I wanna send out this year. Oh, who am I kidding? I never send out Christmas cards.

I wasn't planning on using my Ipod Nano to murder anyone...but I guess it's nice to have options.

I guess there's just no escaping the deadly blue screen of death...even in the perfect world of Star Trek.

Well, this is the best reason I've ever heard for breast implants. Remember ladies, it's for your own protection.

Have you ever seen Mr. T dance? I pity the foo' who hasn't!

Ouch. I'd feel sorry for a guy getting his head run over by a train...except for the fact that he got his legs run over 7 years earlier. This, my friends, is called evolution in action.

Farkin' Links Vol. 189

So, we had our championship game this weekend, and we won...the first half. If only the games were only 20 minutes and not 40. In the first half, we stuck to our gameplan and ended it by being up 2. In the second half...not so much, and we ended up losing by 18. It's hard to win a game when the second best player on the other team hits ten 3 pointers. Well, at least we got a dinky second place trophy; Newjen was planning on just removing the 2nd and hope nobody notices.

I attended a quinceanera this weekend, which was quite entertaining. I've never been to one, what with not being Mexican and all. For those of you who aren't familiar, this is a big celebration for girls when they turn 15 years old and become a woman...or something. Sort of like a barmitzva, or I guess those sweet 16 parties that rich people are throwing and having filmed to be a show on MTV.

It starts with a mass in a Catholic church, which I never really liked ever since my grandmother used to drag me to while I was growing up. I personally didn't think it was fair since I'm not even Catholic; it's like drinking a non-alcoholic beer. You have to suffer through the bad stuff, but get absolutely no benefits from it. This mass ended up being a little more entertaining for several reasons, though. First, there was a mariachi band perfoming religious songs at the intermissions. Second, the priest did the ceremony in English, most definitely not his first language...it might not even be his second. I'm glad they were wise enough to provide us with a pamplet of subtitles; it was like watching Antonio Banderas give mass.

After that, we attended the reception hall, which was actually this Italian club dedicated to Giuseppe Garibaldi. He's a very intruiging character, who, despite all the honors, didn't really seem to do much. Well, it's almost as tough picking out an Italian war hero to celebrate as it is finding a French one. Anyways, a lot of seats were empty, which leads me to believe they didn't have quite the turnout that was expected. If I were the family, I'd be pissed as hell. They spend 17,000 bucks, as much as a wedding, on some party to play on every woman's princess fantasy and half the people didn't show. It's not as though these people have a lot of money; I'm still trying to figure out who they had to kill to come up with that much in the first place. I'm thinking that money might actually come in handy to...oh, I dunno, buy a car, or for college, or part of a down payment for a place to live, even a future wedding. For a group of people that aren't well off to be blowing this kind of money...well, I just don't get it.

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.
-Katharine Whitehorn


This is rather disturbing; I'm sure there are people who support Hezbollah, but in San Francisco? I'm pretty sure Hezbollah wouldn't be down for the tenderloin district.

This is even more disturbing...Jeez, Tucker Max, you are one crazy bastard. This story is mostly for Alex, since I know he has a thing for midgets.

Speaking of tiny, check out this weird gallery full of tiny animals on fingers. Yes, I know that sounds dirty, but there's no sexual innuendo...I'm serious. It's totally safe for work.

This is perfect example why rushing a job only makes it take longer. But, on the plus side, you get to see a soccer player get hurt. You know that always warms my heart.

Well, this guy makes a very strong argument. It's hard to argue with a flying chair.

While this is totally unnecessary, I'd like to have 31 different options for lacing my shoes.

This Ladder Theory has obviously been around for a while...but it's my first time reading it. Yep, seems about accurate. Damn b*tches.

That's certainly one way to get a remote control. I would never, EVER, resort to drinking fake beer. It's not as though beer tastes good.

Uh oh...looks like the Alien invasion is going to start. We've found facehuggers in the bottom of the ocean.

Wow...this is like discovering how to turn lead in to gold or cold fusion. The Japanese may be crazy, but they sure do come up big sometimes.

Farkin' Links Vol. 188

I finally got around to watching this Kurosawa film I've been holding onto forever called Ikiru. Much like any Kurosawa film, this is about an hour's worth of story stretched into 2 and a half. I think Kurowsawa is Michael Mann's directing idol or something. The difference is that Kurosawa's movies are incredibly engrossing and meaningful while Michael Mann remakes 80's tv shows that used to star Don Johnson. I'm gonna have to go with Akira on this one.

This film is a fairly big departure for Kurosawa since it's a small, personal story that takes place in his modern day. No samurai to be seen, no Shakespearean play to rip off...er...create homages to. Just a simple story about a boring, bureaucratic drone, who's done nothing with his life other than stamp papers, who finds out that he has 6 months to live. It's basically a take off of Last Holiday, starring the great Alec "Obi Wan" Guinness, which was recently remade starring Queen Latifa. I can't believe I just put Alec Guinness and Queen Latifa in the same sentence. It's not as though this idea is new; people changing their outlook on life due to a brush with death or terminal illness is something that's been around since we climbed out of the caves. Hell, American Beauty basically took the same idea by cheapening it into a case of a midlife crisis. Oh, right...back to the actual movie I watched last night.

Our protagonist, Watanabe, has been the perfect section chief of Personal Affairs in the Tokyo city hall for almost thirty years. He's always shown up, never complained, shown any ambition, and did what he was told. Basically, the perfect governmental zombie. Because he retreated inwardly after his wife died early leaving him to raise their son, he's basically become isolated by everyone. In fact, it's hard to figure out if Watanabe even has a personality at all. He doesn't say much, and when he does, it's in a stuttering monosyllable fashion. Played by Takashi Shimura, who is a constant in Kurosawa's movies(He played the wise Samurai leader from the Seven Samurai), I'm not sure whether to say "Wow, what a great performance playing a bland, boring, loser," or "Wow...this guy sucks!" I'm leaning towards the first, since he obviously can be charming and entertaining as demonstrated in the Seven Samurai. From the first moment his sloped shouldered, defeated, frail figure makes it's appearance, you can't help but feel a little sorry...and maybe a little creeped out by the guy.

I think you can all figure out where the story goes; he obviously doesn't want to die, but if he does, he doesn't want to go out like the total loser he is. He wants to do something, to feel what it's like to actually be alive again. The interesting part is that his transformation is much more believable than other movies of this type; he doesn't become some cool, sarcastic, butt-kicker. He basically remains the quiet, uninteresting man, but with an intensity that wasn't there before. It's an almost nuanced performance, which I'm not used to in a Kurosawa movie since he apparently directs his actors to overact and make faces like they're on stage.

The story is told in a rather confused narrative, and uses a completely unnecessary narrator for seemingly random scenes in the movie. Other than that, it's a surpisingly moving film about personal redemption and putting a twist on that old saying,"nobody on their deathbed wishes they spent more time at the office." When you think about it, any one of us could die today. What would our legacy be? These are the things that you lose perspective of during the day to day drugery of just plain living. Even if you knew when you were going to die, like that comedian Steven Wright who has an expiration on his birth certificate, what would you do? Would you spend your time in hedonistic idol and selfish behavior like the protagonist of American Beauty? Would you try to leave your mark by doing something that would benefit humanity, like our sad sack hero of Ikiru? I have no idea what I would do, but I do know that I don't want to die full of regrets of the things I should have done. Stupid movie...making me think morose thoughts. Still, any movie that gets you thinking deserves a solid 8/10. That's a B+ in Tristanspeak.

Wowzers...try this game out. Is it TV chef...or porn star? I've had some great meals, but never THAT great.

In the least surprising story since Lance Bass came out of the closet, McRibs are...well, not really ribs. Honestly, I don't care! They're still great! (Hat tip: Azure)

Cool...the Kiss Army has invaded Cleveland to demand the induction of Kiss into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame...waitaminute...they're not in the Hall yet? How much is a ticket to Cleveland?

Here are 8 important lessons learned from 80's cartoons. I'm sure you'll want to know, because, knowing is half the battle.

Hehe...Pimp my ride, Army style. Hooah!

This is a cute jumping game...starring a Teletubbie, methinks.

I love this wacky ebay item, even if Ronaldhino and Brazil choked harder than a Flip Saunders coached team.

There's a lot of women that are gonna need this come 20 years down the line when they realize how stupid tattoos look.

Gotta love this headline: Chinese country clubs to death 50,000 dogs. That's gonna be one hell of a buffet.

This is the type of sign homeless people need to use if they expect to receive money. Hell, I'd give this guy 5 bucks if I saw him on the street.

Farkin' Links Vol. 187

What a nice Monday morning it is. It's overcast and somewhat chilly; normally that would be a crappy day. But after the 100 degree heat this past month, I'm looking forward to the Autumn chill.

I've haven't sent one of these out for a couple of days, and you can blame that on Jack Bauer. My dad was raving about how fun that show 24 is and he lent me seasons 2 and 3. I actually watched season 1, but wasn't all that impressed. I should have stayed on board, because season 2 was one hell of a roller coaster ride. I should take my dad's advice on television shows more often, especially with the amount of tv he takes in. Oh, sure, he once tried to claim he doesn't really watch that many shows and started ticking them off on his fingers...he soon ran out of fingers and thumbs. To be fair, he does watch all the CSI and Law and Order shows, so that's, what, 22 shows right there...give or take a CSI: Omaha or whatever their umpteenth version is. Still, there really hadn't been any good torture shows until 24 came around. It's implausable as hell, but you won't be able to turn it off. I sat through 8 episodes straight this past weekend.

Oh yeah, we also won our basketball game...sort of. The other team didn't show up and forfeited. So technically, we went 1-6 in the regular season, then 3-0 in the playoffs. That's clutch, baby.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
-George Bernard Shaw


So, Abe, are these the type of ladies you're looking for over there in Israel? You better not be the Jerusalem Gigolo, because they look like they can shoot pretty straight.

USA Today apologizes for photoshopping demon eyes on Condi Rice. I dunno...she looks somewhat scarier without the change. I can't see why people are scared that she might run for president; there's no way Americans are going to elect the first black, the first female, and the first lesbian all in one try.

Speaking of politics and photoshopping, it looks as though Reuters has been caught photoshopping extra smoke and destruction in pictures of Beirut...because, you know, the actual smoke and destruction just isn't exciting enough, I guess.

Enough with all the stupid politics...on to far more important features, like how to open a beer with a piece of paper. Macgyver would be proud. Strangely, this man has a box of bounce on his kitchen counter; either he does his laundry in his dish washer or he puts his weed in there.

I missed out on this years ago; the hundred greatest novels of all time...also known as the 100 books you may have been assigned to read in class which you wisely bought the cliff notes and watched Beverly Hills 90210 and Saved by the Bell instead.

I know the great Wesley Snipes told us to "Always bet on black," but maybe not when they're outweighed by 100 pounds. That's just...ow...

I'm sorry I have to do this to you, but keep this in mind in case anybody suggests to you that you should watch some figure skating because it's really graceful...

Huh...well, that's...um...rather suggestive. You know, that Donald Duck doesn't wear pants...

Nice...a compilation of people getting knocked the f*ck out! This is what UFC should be, instead of the homo-erotic foreplay of men wearing speedos lying on each other.

In case you were wondering why Jessica Simpson is still so popular for not having really done much of anything other than acting in commercials with Muppets...well, there's two very good reasons. Might not be safe for work.

Farkin' Links Vol. 186

Well, it's been an eventful couple of days. This past weekend, I did not one, but two physical activities! You'd almost think I have a life. I'm not sure how it happened, but B talked several of us into going golfing. Personally, I think we're about 10 years to soon, but it was fun to go out and make complete fools of ourselves attempting to get that little ball into the hole. The man who invented golf was obviously a masochist, because it has to be the most difficult and unrewarding games in existence. I'm gonna have to go back to tennis.

On Sunday, we had our second playoff basketball game. Another game, another loss, what else is new? Oh...wait a minute...actually, WE WON OUR GAME! WE'RE IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP! Chances are we'll get crushed by the number one team, but it doesn't really matter at this point. We went through the 2 and 3 seed, not to mention beat B's team straight up, despite the fact that they brought in a ringer this season who can dunk and hit threes like his name was Dirk. Our final margin of victory was 3 points, which is much better than losing that stomach punch game to the same team by 1 in double overtime. There's actually another game to be played before the final, but since our league was apparently inspired by the World Cup, we were broken up into two groups of 4 with the winners coming out of those two groups for the final. Really, we don't even need to show up and we still make the finals...except that Newjen loses his deposit for the forfeit. Hehe...gee...what's the downside to not showing up again?


To read a newspaper is to refrain from reading something worthwhile. The first discipline of education must therefore be to refuse resolutely to feed the mind with canned chatter.
-Aleister Crowley


So, how many times do you think she's had to endure the "Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it" jokes recently?

This is what I love about Italian magazines...so you know it's obviously not safe for work.

Welcome to the O.C., b*tch! I don't care what the kid did, this kind of revenge leads to a joint episode of Cops and Rescue 911. Still, it's pretty funny because it's happening to someone else.

These women are sooo hot...and I'm not just saying that because they could break me in half.

I know that duct tape is pretty handy and all...but I don't think this is what the makers had in mind.

This is strictly for Andy...because he was requesting some T&A. That's some photographer!

A guy in Germany was using this stitck to pick up on Brazilian chicks during the World Cup, so I suppose it might be a cool way to get drunkards under control. Gee, maybe soccer is good for something after all.

...and if you needed more proof the world is made up of a bunch of morons, CSI: Miami is the most popular show in the world. I guess it could have been worse...it could have been Everyone Loves Raymond.

Here are answers to the 25 most important questions in the history of the universe...I feel like that needs an echo effect or something. Still, who knew there really are B size batteries?

That's a pretty good prank. I know squeeling tires scares the hell out of me every time...of course, I've been in 7 accidents, so maybe I'm just more prepared.

To round out the day, we have the always hilarious Triumph the dog at American Idol tryouts. If you don't find him funny, you're obviously a communist. Or a jew(just kidding! I'm not Mel Gibson)

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Farkin' Links Vol. 186

Well, it's been an eventful couple of days. This past weekend, I did not one, but two physical activities! You'd almost think I have a life. I'm not sure how it happened, but B talked several of us into going golfing. Personally, I think we're about 10 years to soon, but it was fun to go out and make complete fools of ourselves attempting to get that little ball into the hole. The man who invented golf was obviously a masochist, because it has to be the most difficult and unrewarding games in existence. I'm gonna have to go back to tennis.

On Sunday, we had our second playoff basketball game. Another game, another loss, what else is new? Oh...wait a minute...actually, WE WON OUR GAME! WE'RE IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP! Chances are we'll get crushed by the number one team, but it doesn't really matter at this point. We went through the 2 and 3 seed, not to mention beat B's team straight up, despite the fact that they brought in a ringer this season who can dunk and hit threes like his name was Dirk. Our final margin of victory was 3 points, which is much better than losing that stomach punch game to the same team by 1 in double overtime. There's actually another game to be played before the final, but since our league was apparently inspired by the World Cup, we were broken up into two groups of 4 with the winners coming out of those two groups for the final. Really, we don't even need to show up and we still make the finals...except that Newjen loses his deposit for the forfeit. Hehe...gee...what's the downside to not showing up again?


To read a newspaper is to refrain from reading something worthwhile. The first discipline of education must therefore be to refuse resolutely to feed the mind with canned chatter.
-Aleister Crowley


So, how many times do you think she's had to endure the "Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it" jokes recently?

This is what I love about Italian magazines...so you know it's obviously not safe for work.

Welcome to the O.C., b*tch! I don't care what the kid did, this kind of revenge leads to a joint episode of Cops and Rescue 911. Still, it's pretty funny because it's happening to someone else.

These women are sooo hot...and I'm not just saying that because they could break me in half.

I know that duct tape is pretty handy and all...but I don't think this is what the makers had in mind.

This is strictly for Andy...because he was requesting some T&A. That's some photographer!

A guy in Germany was using this stitck to pick up on Brazilian chicks during the World Cup, so I suppose it might be a cool way to get drunkards under control. Gee, maybe soccer is good for something after all.

...and if you needed more proof the world is made up of a bunch of morons, CSI: Miami is the most popular show in the world. I guess it could have been worse...it could have been Everyone Loves Raymond.

Here are answers to the 25 most important questions in the history of the universe...I feel like that needs an echo effect or something. Still, who knew there really are B size batteries?

That's a pretty good prank. I know squeeling tires scares the hell out of me every time...of course, I've been in 7 accidents, so maybe I'm just more prepared.

To round out the day, we have the always hilarious Triumph the dog at American Idol tryouts. If you don't find him funny, you're obviously a communist. Or a jew(just kidding! I'm not Mel Gibson)

Farkin' Links Vol. 184

As you noticed, these links aren't always going to be a daily occurrence. Sometimes I actually have...well, work and stuff, so I'm unable to do it. But, hey, it's free, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

This weekend was full of far too much physical activity for someone my advanced age. I played tennis, not that I really know how, but I apparently did alright for someone with about 2 weeks of experience 10 years ago. It was quite fun; plus, any activity that causes my wrist and forearm to get exercise gets a thumbs up from me. Surprisingly, our basketball team was victorious in our first playoff game against the number 2 seed. I guess we're just a calm, playoff experienced team who doesn't get bothered by having a 1-6 record. We don't need the confidence of actually winning to do well in a playoff game. My favorite moment was when Newjen finally decided to grace our team with a shot on goal and actually hit a three. He rations his shot attempts like Elaine Benes rations her sponge...which is odd, because when we play on the blacktop, I can't get him to STOP shooting.

On another subject, I watched the most fascinating documentary movie over the past two nights, Grizzly Man. Some of you may have heard of subject, Timothy Treadwell. He is the crazy bastard that lived with grizzly bears in Alaska for months at a time for 13 years until they finally got fed up and ate him. Well, him and his girlfriend. Either way, Treadwell would bring a video camera the last couple of years to film himself and his bears. This footage was crafted into this fascinating study by zee German director Werner Herzog. I've never really watched any of Herzog's movies since they're obviously crappy foreign films, but maybe I've been missing out. He was able to put together a film based on this obvoius lunatic and transform him into a troubled, tragic, hero. I really can't describe how completely insane this Treadwell fella is. He truly loved these wild animals and wanted to be one. I kind of wanted to be a tiger once...of course, I was 4 years old. I sort of grew out of it. Still, this film is almost like watching a traffic accident; you wanna look away, but you can't. Fleshed out with interviews by his friends and associates who appear just as bizarre as he was, and comically narrated by the director Herzog himself. At first, it feels like an SNL skit; imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger narrating a National Geographic special, and that's about what Herzog sounds like. Yet, after a while, he begins to grow on you as his actual passion for the subject overshadows his limited English ability. It's a marvelous movie and I highly recommend it. I give it a 9/10, or as Tristan would prefer, an A.


...and now we dance. Youtube.com is the new sliced bread...or Tivo. Tivo was way better than sliced bread.

Uh oh...the fish are evolving and growing human like teeth. I'm going to have to stop dumping all my radioactive waste in the water supply.

Hmmm...does this mean I don't have to feel bad about having a blow up woman? I'm scared too.

It looks like I really missed out at that ComicCon. I could have seen enough people and items to mock for at least two, three years.

Heh...The Hoff claims he doesn't drink anymore...I claim he doesn't drink any less, either. I saw him on that America's got Talent show. He wasn't high on life.

This is just wrong...even more wrong than Star Wars Monopoly. How can you go cashless in a Monopoly game? How can you taunt your family members with cold hard blue, yellow, and red cash?

Ooooookay. Well, I guess they managed to make shaving a beaver not exactly dirty. But still...

These super high res pics are always pretty cool. Check out Sydney by night...but forget looking into people's rooms to see some nudity. I already checked. Nada.

This isn't making marriage look any more palatable.

Awww...this dog reminds me of my old dog VJ. He wouldn't stop humping everything in sight either.

Farkin' Links Vol. 183

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
-Marquis de la Grange

That about sums up my managing skills, even if it's from a Frenchie...well, he was sort of an Italian. Hmmm...the two teams that made the World Cup. This is a sign. I better check my Nostradamus writings...


You'd think I'd get tired of watching people get kicked in the face...but you'd be wrong.

This is cute. See what your name looks like in heiroglyphics. I have a medallion from the last time I was in Egypt with my name on it. It looks like they didn't spell my name wrong...that or it's just a big conspiracy to make us foreigners look stupid.

So...who wants to be a tattoo artist? I certainly don't...and after playing this game, I want it even less.

The strangest part about this sumo wrestler getting suspended for slapping is...well, just go ahead and look at the guy.

Whenever someone gives you a hard time about drinking, go ahead and spout a couple of these facts. See...it's actually un-American to not drink! Damn sober commies...

This is what being in Europe is like...bunch of fakers. Well, at least it's nice to know their civilization is slowly crumbling from their low birthrate.

This is somewhat disturbing; although it won't be the first prison beauty pagent I've heard of. I guess it appeals to the George Costanza in every guy; having a girlfriend in jail means they always look forward to seeing you and can't check up on what you're doing.

I don't usually like those bizarre fashion shows and their crazy outfits nobody would wear outside of a runway...but I think I can be persuaded to support this look. Might not be safe for work.

Wow...underwater bubble rings...that's pretty talented. Not in a make any money on it, but I guess everyone has to have a hobby.

Looks like Michael Jackson will be moving to Holland. I do so hate the Dutch. Austin Powers' dad was right on; they're bastards.