Farkin' Links Vol. 174 1/5

Well, it's been a while. Because Vicky demanded it, I'm back with the links that she won't read! I hope you all had a nice holidays, and by saying I hope, I don't really...nevermind. One of my New Year's resolutions is to not go to Vegas anymore on New Years. Hanging out with friends was fun, but it's far too expensive. With the roads being totally packed since they close down the strip, it's also completely impossible to get anywhere. This is the last time I'm forced to walk the entire strip in the bitter cold just to get back to my freakin' hotel room.

I watched Munich last night, and I have to say I wasn't particularly impressed. The movie is "inspired by real events," much like Balto was based on a true story of talking cartoon dogs. The plot revolves around a group of assassins formed by Israel to take out the members of Black September who took Israel's Olympic team hostage and murdered them. Whoops, I just ruined it for Tristan...I might as well ruin King Kong too...the big ape falls off the Empire State Building. If it stuck mostly to that, I probably would have enjoyed it more. Instead, we get all the silly grade school arguments against the conflict today. "Oh, we're just creating more terrorists! We need to be better than they are! Bushitler is destroying the country!" Well, maybe not that last one, but there's enough ridiculous commentary and moral relativism going on that I felt the need to go get a coke several times. It's a well made movie and the acting is top notch. Eric Bana as the team leader performs well as an average man forced into extraodinary circumstances. The new James Bond, Daniel Craig, is a stand out character who manages to steal most of the scenes he's in as the cold blooded mercenary of the group. That being said, I wouldn't watch it again. It was far too long and rather depressing; unlike Speilberg's Schindler's List or Saving Private Ryan, you come out of the theater in a defeatist mode. I'll give it a 7.5...or in Tristan grading, B-.

We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
--Will Rogers

I figure we should start this off with a bang...here is the craziest, most disturbing "Japanese people are crazy" link I've ever linked. Considering some of the past ones, public urination and such, that's quite a statement. Well...this one involves a chick and several pigs and...it's just sick and wrong.

For the "silly ebay auction of the day", we have a pro basketball player's warm-ups. Not interested? How about if I tell you it's Manute Bol's? I imagine Jon's already put in a bid.

Jeez...is this deer deaf, or did he pull a Remo Williams and dodge bullets?

Well, that was helpful. I really had no idea what was going on in that annoying Fall Out Boy song until I watched this brilliant interpretation.

If you're inspired by the amazing skill of this previous link...try making your own flip book! I used to do this in Jr. High, until my teacher confiscated them. Some excuse about inappropriate material...

Damn...Getting breast implants seems like a poor reason to murder your husband. What are the odds he was going to tell her no to that request? I sure as hell wouldn't have.

Blame Canada for stupidity in this link. Who really cares how healthy homeless people are, anyways? Shouldn't our goal be to encourage them to die off? Hehe...I wonder how many people I just pissed off with this.

Yet another reason to hate the French...a bakery for dogs. Hey Fido, take your Alpo and like it! You're a f*cking dog!

Hehe...here's a cool list we can all use the next time we go out to a club.

I guess you really can find anything on the internet. I only wish I could hire these chicks to clean my house...it's quite dirty.

In case you didn't think our scientists were wasting enough money on idiotic research projects, check this one out. According to these fellas, soccer is the most exciting sport in the world. I guess it must be true what with all the science involved; I must just fall asleep watching these games due to them tuckering me out emotionally from all the exciting passing and non scoring.

Farkin' Links Vol. 173 12/8

YES!!! Terry Tate, Office Linebacker is back! Watch the history of what could have been the greatest mime chooses his fork of destiny! Whoooo! Uriel, you need to find a way to watch this...

For our "India is a freakshow" link, we have a very good reason not to travel the trucker highways...although, this man-woman creature is about as good looking as the plain woman creatures walking about the streets.

If this isn't true love, I don't know what true love is. I mean, have you ever heard anything as touching as "I might as well marry her again. For some reason, we seem to be stuck with each other for life." Eminem's prose is incredible; he's like Fabio, only smaller, with less hair.

Cool; here's a new mammal that's not a lemur found in Borneo. I'm just wondering what the heck the World Wrestling Federation has to do with it.

I'm not sure what to make of this, other than the fact that Mike Ditka is completely insane...but, you already knew that. Still, I like the poor man's Village People, but their rap needs work.

Heh...now I know what to get my grandmother for Christmas.

Hmmm...so I can trade in my bible for stuff I can get online for free already? That sounds like a crappy deal. I'm sticking with my bible and my online porn.

I suppose this could upset some bank tellers, but seriously, trim those damn nose hairs! It's disgusting.

In case you thought your love life was going bad; at least your penis is longer than 4 centimeters...we hope. I guess puberty was worth it after all.

Well, it looks like somebody actually likes George W. Bush in Pakistan. Terrible poem, though.

Farkin' Links Vol. 172 12/7

I watched George Romero's new zombie movie, Land of the Dead, last night. Funny thing about this movie; it feels like it was made in the 1970s. The special effects, the cheesy dialogue, the confused plotline, the cardboard characters; if I had been watching this on a small TV I probably would have assumed it was from 30 years ago. This is the 4th movie in Romero's zombie series and, while probably not the worst, it's certainly nowhere close to what he accomplished with his original Night of the Living Dead.

If you've watched a Romero zombie movie, you can expect two things; you're going to see zombies imitating living people(That zombie is playing the trombone! Haha...how funny) and you'll be hit over the head with some social message about commercialism or race relations or some other progressive krep. In his new movie, you get more than enough of these two things. In this case, there's even this genius zombie...well, I guess that makes him about as smart as Lenny from Of Mice and Men, but smart enough to lead an army of dead to invade a human settlement. Of course, the people in charge of this human settlement might actually even dumber than the zombies; let me just say I'm not impressed with their defense perimeters. The big message in this one is about class; apparently Romero just finished Das Kapital after a bottle of Scotch before he decided to write this script. The human settlement is a dystopian slum protected by their defenses and ruled by a bunch of evil white businessmen who still dress in suits living in the aptly named Fiddler's Green, a sky scraper that still operates as though the world hasn't changed. Basically, you have the haves living in their artificial wonderland served by the lower classes, the have nots who live in poverty at the whims of their rich overlords, and the zombies, who represent...oh, who really cares? I've seen deeper social commentary on an episode of Saved by the Bell.

The movie itself? It's about a rogue collector (John Leguizamo) who, after being denied entry to Fiddler's Green because he's a spic (Hey, I'm just quoting the movie...see what I mean about it seeming to be 30 years old?) decides to hijack a truck with missiles and hold the city hostage. The white, evil businessman in control of everything is Dennis Hopper who basically mails in his performance, and he decides to send the hero, some generic white dude that I'm far too lazy to look up, to stop him and bring back the truck. Throw in some zombie invasions, racial stereotypes that embarrassed even me (You gotta see the Samoan guy) and that's about it. It's funny that Romero would choose a generic white guy as the hero as his previous movies have either featured or starred a black man as the main protagonist. In fact, the Night of the Living Dead almost hinted at a black man/white woman potential relationship that probably scared middle America more than the zombies. I suppose that's why he cast the zombie leader a black man; somehow, that seems to be moving backwards. Oh well...the movie is definitely watchable, and on a Sunday afternoon with no other options, I'd watch it again out of the corner of my eye while surfing the net. For that, I'll give it a 6.5/10. Or in the Tristan grading system, C+.

The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever.
--Anatole France

Here's a new case of evolution in action...I sure hope this guy won his spitting contest.

Here's a new case of a girl getting sent home for inappropriate clothing. I don't know how they even spotted her out of the crowd with this ensemble.

Wow! That old flash cartoon was right! 50 cent really is Jewish!

Hehe...I guess Toohey's is Australian for beer. This commercial is almost bold, but it's definitely funny. For a second, I thought this chick might have been from Bangkok.

For the "India is a freakshow" link, we have...well, let's just say any story that involves the cannibal act of devouring the head of a former servant is gonna raise eyebrows.

This poor burglar needs to lose some weight. Getting caught like Winnie the Pooh is gonna stay with him for the rest of his life.

Damn, these are some of the greatest answers to game show questions I've ever read. Say what you want about the English, as I regularly do, but they have some entertaining people.

Something tells me these condoms will do great business.

Farkin' Links Vol. 171 12/5

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
--Steven Wright

Whoa...does anybody remember that Nickelodeon show Salute Your Shorts? Say hello to Donkey Lips, all grown up...or out, I suppose. Word up, homey.

Huh...giant scorpions in Scotland...330 million year ago. That's certainly headline worthy. Get this, there were also giant lizards as big as houses only 75 million years ago!

I think this guy might be holding in more anger and bitterness than an average person running out of q-tips would.

The running back on the USC Trojans, Reggie Bush, has been putting up video game statistics in college, but check out his high school footage. I think he might be from planet Krypton.

For the "Japanese people are wierd" link, we get to combine it with my favorite sport, soccer. I swear, Japanese people can't even hold a normal soccer practice without some natural disaster, a tsunami, a tornado, Godzilla, breaking things up.

Damn! That was almost a scene straight out of Final Destination 3 or something. I guess trees do serve some purpose other than furniture. Ads totally not safe for work.

I think I found my new favorite source for news...how come nobody's told me about this! Heads will roll, I assure you! This site isn't really safe for work.

I love Pacman as much as anyone...but isn't this whole concept moving in the wrong direction as far as technology is concerned?

Hmmm...this must be why Moody has been considering moving to another country. Hehe...more maybe it's this.

Sexomnia, huh? That sounds like a pretty lame excuse. Still, how much of a rape could this have been if, as the victim states,"His arms were very limp."

Farkin' Links Vol. 170 12/5

My company Christmas party was this weekend, which was nice. You gotta love free booze and food whenever it presents itself. Many beers later, I was all in favor of sitting around and watching a movie. Jack was really pushing to watch I heart Huckabees, which I wasn't all that big on, but it sure as hell beat the alternative of House of Wax. I mean, other than Paris Hilton getting killed, it didn't really have anything to recommend it. Sadly enough, Tony had alread seen March of the Penguins and Stealth was checked out. I know that Stealth would have cost another 20 dollars in order to get drunk enough to enjoy, but with this Huckabees movie I knew I'd have to be relatively sober to pay attention to. Oh well...

So, onto the movie. I heart Huckabees, which has an overly clever and stupid name (As the members of Spinal Tap once pointed out,"There's a fine line between stupid and clever") and the rest of the movie lives up to this first impression. The plot revolves around a tree hugging neurotic who, while fighting for control of an environmental advocacy group he helped create, enlists the aid of an extistential detective agency to investigate a strange coincidence that's happened in his life and is keeping him from concentrating on his job. Yeah, it's as weird as it sounds. This is a movie that probably sounded much better in script form, as it was apparently written by a couple of guys who took too many philosophy classes in college and were smoking too much peyote during the process. The acting is the only thing that makes this idiotic script worth anything; Marky Mark Walberg is extremely entertaining as a nihilistic firefighter, Jason Schwartzman portrays his quirky, bossy character from Rushmore, and the married detectives are ably played by Dustin Hoffman wearing a really strange wig and Lily Tomlin, who I wasn't even sure was still alive. I should have known this movie was going to suck like a Hoover because Jude Law was in it; he's actually a good actor, but his decisions for movie roles are about as successful as Michael Jordan playing baseball. This whole existential investigation comedy was done about a million times better with Douglas Adams' Dirk Gently's Hollistic Detective Agency novels. I think this subject just doesn't translate well to film. I wouldn't even watch this trainwreck again, but, hey, if you're feeling masochistic, give it try. It has one of the boldest sex scenes I've ever seen in a film. There's a quote from the movie that sums up my feelings on this film,"What the f*ck was that about?" 4/10 Tristan grading scale, D+.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
--Edgar Bergen


This link is for Ben Wu, who loves dissecting the science in movies and thus making them completely unwatchable...as well as pissing off everyone in earshot.

...and this week on Rescue 911, we have an idiot, a beer bong, and a bottle of Captain Morgan.

Gee...trouble in paradise with Britney and K-Fed? I thought that marriage would last forever.

Never read the style guys before, but I'd have to agree with their assessment of these various puppies...and I wish them well on their future gay marriage in Massachusetts.

Wow...I guess this chick objects...make that strenuously objects to her seat partner in the courtroom. Ads not safe for work.

Hehe, I know I'm rooting for Gonzaga. It's sort of like rooting for the Utah Jazz. Go whities!

I blame this type of masochistic idiocy on Jackass; but hey, at least I now know what it actually looks like when a nail enters a person's leg. It's totally different than Looney Tunes makes it look.

This is the definition of adding insult to injury. I think he learned his lesson about crossing streets without looking both ways, no need to give him a ticket too. It must have been quota week.

This is an interesting story about a man who was both a dwarf and a giant in his life. This might be classified in the "be careful what you wish for" category.

They've finally done a story on all the boys getting molested by older women that's been going on lately. I was obviously born too damn soon.

Farkin' Links Vol. 167 11/29

I had a signing last night in a new development out by Marina Del Rey. This ended up being a problem because it didn't show up on my GPS system nor my 6 year old map book. I had to do something I haven't done in years; ask for directions. It was quite embarrassing, really. Either way, I did finally find my way to this place and it's quite an impressive place. The condo complex this guy lives in is the largest I've ever seen; the damn thing could have been a self contained eco system. We did the whole signing thing...but then a strange thing happened. He kept talking to me. Usually, people are quick to get rid of me, and I really can't blame them. I'd get rid of me if I could. This guy, on the other hand, just started talking about random crap and remained seated after I stood up as if to trap me by good manners. Well, that didn't delay me for too long, so I started trying to make my way out, and the guy takes this as an offer to show me the way back to the exit of the condo complex. Then, he keeps talking to me for another ten minutes once we get there...at this point, I just wanted to get the hell out of there, but he's still talking. I finally took to nodding and trying to create an akward silence that would let me make my exit, but the bastard just took that as an invite to keep flapping his lips. Eventually, my natural kindness was overcome by my desire to get the hell out of there, so I finally just told him I had to leave and ran to my car. He's a single engineer, and apparently a very lonely one at that. I feel for him, but I certainly don't want to spend all night listening to him tell me about World of Warcraft. I think what that guy needs is a Russian mail order bride...or groom. Whatever floats his boat. Still, I pray to God that I don't have to go back to fix anything...it might turn into a "Misery" like situation with me getting my feet lopped off and forced to play Dungeons and Dragons with him for the rest of my life. Well, as long as I get to DM, I guess it wouldn't be all that bad.

"Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home."
--Bill Cosby


It looks like it's going to be easy to find stories for the "India is a freakshow." In this one, these two ladies were accused of being witches and forced to eat crap...which is probably marginally better tasting than the usual food they eat there.

So sad...the world's ugliest dog has died. I don't know how you could tell, but I'd cut it's head off and stake it through the heart just to be sure.

China jumps ahead of the U.S. in yet another industry; the condom industry. Well, knowing how high in quality made in China items are, I think I'd pass on this one. Still, cool concept.

This is rather ironic. This news story couldn't have been timed any better; still, this reporter is impressing no one with his dramatic flair.

Now THAT is a cool Christmas t-shirt. Too bad I'm not black.

Wow...who knew it's against the law to be an idiot in Austria?

Hehe...I don't think this guy would like going to a movie theater with me in attendance. Hey Jon, Moody and Uriel...how many times did we almost get in a fight with some random person at those screenings?

Sure, Google is evil and trying to take over the world and all that...but it still has to contend with Bill Gates. I don't envy them in that task.

This is a cool concept; it's here to help you remember that one movie with those mutants that lived in the New York sewers that were eating people...what the heck was the name of that?

This is a tragedy, but why should the bartender suffer because some stupid Euro can't hold his liquor? It's a fairly reasonable amount to drink; I've seen Chris Hsieh polish this much off and still annoy us with drunken commentary for the rest of the night.

Farkin' Links Vol. 169 12/1

I don't have anything interesting to relate today, so I'll just leave you with a quote.

"The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid."
--Art Spander


In the "India is a Freakshow" file, we have an Indian actress who's been watching too much Sex in the City. What a weird, weird, place India is.

This list details the 17 people you can't get mad at for boning your girl...and really, who could ever be mad at Jenna Jameson?

Great...speaking of other guys boning your girl, 50 cent would like to do that as well, at least in spirit. Still, I have to admit I didn't know most vibrators aren't waterproof. Heh...you learn something new every day. Ads probably not safe for work.

When you're hit in the head by a train, this is usually my cue to make a joke about evolution in action...unless you're this guy who is apparently Superman or maybe the Tick. Considering he got hit in the head by a subway car a few years earlier, you'd think he'd stop sticking his head out like that. Of course, it's probably hard to remember anything after that.

Alright! More Triumph the Insult dog...even if he is a Democrat stooge. He's still a funny one.

Hehe...cats are so stupid. Ads might not be safe for work.

Hehe...newlyweds are so stupid. It was probably the rice in their eyes, though.

According to these Italian scientists, romantic love has a year shelf life before it expires. Seems optimistic, really.

This guy named Ronald McDonald, who works at Wendy's, is accused of robbing the store. That's what you get for hiring the enemy.

Hmmm...I haven't had a silly ebay auction of the day lately, so here's an xbox signed by one of the xbox models. Funny, I didn't even know they had models.

Farkin' Links Vol. 168 11/30

I had a pretty easy signing last night in the quasi-hood. It's basically a nice section of South Central; yes, they do exist. The fact is that 90 percent of the people in the hood aren't a bunch of wild criminals or homeless people trying to wash your windshield with a newspaper and a spray bottle, they're average, law abiding folk who are as pissed about all the delinquents that give their area a bad name. You can tell these nice sections because the yards are always prestine, the houses generally look freshly painted, and the second you show up, people start looking out the window to figure out who the hell you are. It's probably the neighborhood watch or something. Either way, these are usually nice places to live; plus, you're always really close to a fast food chicken joint.

The signing was with an older black couple. When I say old, I'm talking they remember WWII and not from a textbook or the History channel sort of old. The husband was retired, but the wife was still a teacher at the Compton School district. She was that older no nonsense type of teacher that always dresses up, takes no crap from any of the students and forces them to actually learn something. The type you hate in school, but respect and never forget when you're older. Their house was something else entirely; it hadn't been redecorated since the 1970's, and boy, could you tell! They had the great faux gold colored walls, the cheesy fogged mirrors with the colored cracks, and even the shag carpet. It's the type of place you can't feel comfortable in unless you're wearing polyester and sporting a mustache...which I can't grow, curse the Native American and Filipino sides of my family. Some days, I just love my job. You meet such interesting people...

"Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once."
--Tallulah Bankhead


Not exactly Public Enemy No. 1 here, but that's one hell of a crime. I'm totally jealous...except for the part where he gets a boyfriend named Bubba in the county jail.

Yet more proof that news reporters are not the sharpest tools in the shed. Hell, they're not even smarter than the 10 year olds in this clip.

Damn...talk about the kiss of death. I had no idea peanuts were this dangerous.

I always wanted to do this at church, but I don't want to go to hell...aw, who am I kidding? I'm so going to hell. I might as well start punching everyone I don't like.

Yet another reason to hate gas station attendants, as if you needed one. It turns out their Europhiles...this guy's excuse is the same one used by France for not supporting the Iraq war, right?

What terrible journalism is on display here...where the hell are the damn pictures?

Hehe...border patrol uniforms are made in Mexico. I don't see that as a big problem; they came in legally.

I've been neglecting the "female teacher giving private sex education lessons" stories lately, so here's one from England. Apparently, she got caught before they could get to the final exam.

I'm glad I don't believe in Santa Claus anymore like Paris Hilton, because this video would have put me in therapy.

After reading this article, I'd have to say that sexologists are pretty cool people.

Farkin' Links Vol. 166 11/28

I hope ya'll had a good Thanksgiving. Actually, that's probably not true. I really don't care how your Thanksgiving was. I mean, maybe in a generic sort of, "Oh, how nice," but I really don't care that much. Either way...um...I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. An interesting thing happened up at my dad's place this weekend. He owns this stupid macaw named Larry who's job is to annoy the hell out of everybody in the house, until recently, that is. Joan, my step mother, bought some rope that the bird has been...shall we say, pleasuring itself on. Apparently, it's going through puberty or something. Anyways, this has been calming the creature and everyone figured that was it, until we woke up one morning and Larry had laid an egg. It turns out Larry is a chick. These weird parrots don't show their sex organs until they're ready to mate, so you can't tell what the heck it is until it's usually too late to change the name. Since the bird likes to yell, bite, and get so drunk it falls off the perch, I figured we could rename it Tara Reid. Seems my dad wants to stick with Larry; it seems like such an insult to number 33. Oh well...

"Not only is the universe stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine."
--Sir Arthur Eddington


I think I'll add a new category called, "India is a freakshow." In this story, a woman in a Calcutta hospital died after her eye was eaten by ants. Yeah...you read that correctly. Ants. Ye gods...

Hehe...I think the funniest part of this story is the idea of a French terrorist. Do they hold planes hostage with their body odor?

How strange; I was trying to see a tiger in a wilderness park in India and all along I should have been watching the road. Hell, he's even got a nicer car than I do.

According to this story, the singing star (well, I'm not sure what else to call her) Pink has a dog named F*cker...with a U, not a *, that is. Funny, my dog probably thought that was his name too, the stupid fu, well, let's just say he used to piss me off a lot...

Whoa...I'm no fan of condoms, but this just seems a little too dangerous to be using around the family jewels. (News story, but might not be safe for work.)

I haven't validated this story, but, all I can say is wow. I guess chickens really don't need a brain to function after all.

Those wacky Chinese are at it again. Ghost, you say? More like Rosy Palm and her five sisters.

Yep, that's our Bush, alright. Not that I haven't done the exact same thing hundreds of times. Damn locked doors...it's a conspiracy, I tell you!

This clip is great; giant bugs and kung fu mice. I love nature; even better, the male mouse just stands around and watches...all he needed was a beer in his paw. Not safe for work ads, though.

...and I thought Geiko Insurance had the best commercials. How wrong I was...If only I could switch to Vern Fonk!

Farkin' Links Vol. 165 11/23

Whoops; too busy to update yesterday, so this will have to be your last linkage for the Turkey week. I have to bring up the comedy of errors that has been this one signing I've been trying to accomplish this past...well, almost two months. The first time this signing had been given to me was the end of September; they ended up giving me the wrong address and the man had no contact number. I ended up sitting around for an hour watching Boyz in the Hood play ball and suspiciously eyeing my car. The lady at the address given to me vehmenently denied the existence of my signer and about threatened to call the cops. Ha...like they'd show up in a neighborhood like that. Anyways, I ended up going home with no carjacking, which was good.

The next time I was asked to follow up at the man's actual address. Turns out he was refinancing the house I was at and it was his mother's place, and the crazy lady was his sister on "disability." The only disability she was on concerned her consumption of donuts and her likelihood of getting harpooned at the beach; but I digress. He was responsible for the house now that his mother wasn't working and he was hoping to get some cash out of it and get a lower rate. Of course, since I had accidentally torpedoed that plan by revealing that it wasn't his place of residence, the rate they were going to give him had suddenly gone up about a point and a half. It made refinancing not even worth it, so he decided that he wasn't going to sign. Cool, I can understand that. The least amount of time spent at his crack home the better; this, too, was the kind of neighborhood I'm not supposed to be in unless I'm picking up an eighth of something mind altering. I foolishly asked to use his toilet; I think the bathroom on the trail to Macchu Picchu was cleaner.

This leads us to this past week; I was told that he was going to sign, so I foolishly ventured back into the lion's den and showed at his doorstep. Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you want to look at it, he wasn't home. I ended up doing the usual hour wait and he never arrived. At this point I'm beginning to lose faith in my sigining company; still, if they really want to pay me to sit around in neighborhoods with a fast food fried chicken franchise on every corner, it's their business. Well, they call again and tell me that this time he will be home at 8 pm. I figure I've gone this far, why not push my luck again? I show up at 8, and in my haste to get done with it, I accidentally knock on the wrong door, which is answered by this creepy Jabba the Hut like creature wearing a wife beater that looked like it might have been worn so long it was attached to the skin who yelled at me and asked if I was with a collection agency. Yep, my kind of neighborhood. I finally get to the right door and I'm met by the man that started this whole ridiculous venture who then informs me,"No, I never agreed to sign these papers again. I told my loan officer that I was canceling; they're just hoping I'll sign if they keep harrassing me." I can hardly believe the incompetence at work here, so I say the only thing that comes to mind.
"Hey, can you do me a favor? What's the score of the Vikings/Packers game?"

So I was reading Playboy...you know, for the articles, of course, and for the stupid jokes they have. Anyways, this one made me chuckle. Have a nice Thanksgiving, everyone.

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "But," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a little bar where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth."
The Englishman responded, "Well, at my local bar, the local owner would buy you your third drink after you bought the first two."
"Ah, that's nothing," the Irishman said. "Back home there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then, when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately doubted the Irishman's claims.
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not myself personally," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to my sister."


Well, that didn't take long. Still, when you employ a French actor, you have to expect these things. This page is safe, but the link on it leads to a not safe for work.

How embarrassing. Sure, the car is going to cost 98 bucks to get back, but what can ever buy back this guy's self respect?

Oh. My. God. That is just so wrong. How much do you want to bet that every fat German businessman has already ordered two?

The top 25 inventions of the year, huh? An alarm clock that doesn't go off on time and a talking piece of rope. What a crappy year for inventions. Well, at least we got a crappy moped powered by hydrogen for up to two whole hours. Good lord, my battery charged remote controlled car does better than that! Just one more link from this invention list; isn't it funny that the model using the filter straw designed to keep you from dying from poisoned water is made to look Indian? I've never seen more honesty in advertising in all my life.

It's been a while since I've visited this Bryanboy's blog...but, really, all I can do is quote the immortal Keanu Reeves. "Whoa!"

Who knew "Saved by the Bell" was such a polarizing social event in the nation's history? Oh, right, it isn't. This guy just had to finish a paper hopped up on caffeine pills.

This should have been featured in the 25 inventions story; I, for one, hate that damn beyatch giving me directions on my car's gps navigation system. But if it was Mr. T? I pity the fool who doesn't follow his directions!

Hehe...speeding camera hoisted by it's own petard! Who says Aussies are just a bunch of drunk idiots? Oh...that would be me...

Here's some completely unhelpful advice about how to handle your porn stash with your girlfriend...not that I have a porn stash or anything...

Wow...you got knocked the f**k out!

Farkin' Links Vol. 164 11/21

This is my first weekend back in the country and it was a nice, lazy weekend. I'm still getting over that Asian Bird Flu or whatever the heck it is I picked up while I was in Nepal. Either way, I wisely played in my league basketball game, coughing fits and all. Surprisingly, I didn't collapse and die during the game. I actually played quite well for a guy who hasn't played in almost a month, not that it helped any; we lost. It was an agonizing loss as well since it was against one of our rivals, and was the deciding game for who went on to the finals. Now, you'll never catch me wearing a Diamond Bar Adult League Champions shirt or anything even if we did win, it still sucks that we came so close for the third season in a row and came up short. Moody thinks we're like the Philadelphia Eagles, but I disagree. They actually made the Superbowl this past year. We're more like the Sacramento Kings; kicking butt during the season then choking it in the Semifinals. Either way, it still makes us losers.

"I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
--Neil Armstrong


I guess you really can fold a paper in half more than 8 times. Something tells me this girl must not go out a lot.

This is what that cool mom who held wild drug parties at the house and banged her daughter's friends looked like? Yikes! That's not cool at all...and those must have been some serious drugs.

Wow...who knew Jesus was a stoner? I guess we should have seen it, what with the long hair and the sandals fighting the man all the time.

This is a fun time waster; it's a card throwing simulator. Much better than in real life since you don't have to pick up the used cards. 52 pickup sucks.

I guess this guy missed the part in his wedding vows about "Until death do us part," Seriously, man, that's just sick and wrong.

Well, this certainly explains why Indian food is the spiciest on the planet; you need all the antimicrobials you can get in that dirty ass place.

Warning: This link isn't safe for work...or for anybody. The website is www.shipaturd.com I think you can figure it out from there.

This sounds like the best way to cure a headache. Thank you, modern science.

I learned two things from this video. One, I've learned that the Governator is an ass man. This second, I now know where my next vacation is going to be.

I guess this is proof that some IT guys actually get laid once in a while. That's a pretty good business plan, though.

Farkin' Links Vol. 163 11/17

Looks like I'm back again...not that anybody really cares. Still, I enjoy wasting your time, so I'm happy to be back. I had a very interesting trip to India and Nepal; they're the type of places that are really cool and eye opening to visit, but that you really wouldn't want to go back again. Ever. Even under the threat of torture. India by far is the dirtiest place I've ever been, and that's coming from someone who's been to places like Cairo and Cambodia and who works in downtown Los Angeles everyday. Speaking of which, the air pollution was even hurting my L.A. native eyes and lungs, but it's to be expected in a country of 1.5 billion where they burn every dead body out in the open. This probably means I inhaled at least 2 Indians while I was in the country...and I've been trying to cut back to one. Oh well, maybe for my New Year's Resolution.

On a related note, I was literally followed for 3 blocks from my car by this bum today begging for money. He was talking so much about positive vibes and happy feelings that I thought he might be Milli or Vanilli...you know, the one that's still alive. Anyways, all this harrassment and persistance reminded me of the street vendors in India...although, I have to admit, this bum smelled better. It's probably because he'd taken a bath at least once this month.

"When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him."
--Thomas Szasz
Hehe...for a "Japanese people are crazy" link, this one is a gift that keeps on giving. Methinks they have an obsession with panties. I wish we had shows like this...

There's some strange ass people in New York...actually, there's some strange ass people on Craigslist. Still, any R. Kelly reference is good in my book.

Wow, somebody actually likes Aquaman enough to write a wordy essay on the ruination of his character in comics. I'm not exactly sure you can ruin a dork in an orange shirt who commands fish...he seems pretty broken in the first place.

This looks like Vicky on a Saturday night. At least, the last part does. (Ads not safe for work.)

If you read ESPN's page 2, this spoof is pretty damn good. Ummm...so, for the people not named Moody, I guess you can just skip this link.

You see, this is why you're supposed to call "Fore!" before you swing the club. I especially like the quote," Did you know that was like blood?" "Spitting out of his head!"

Hmmm...this sounds like some female conspiracy to avoid fellatio. Not cool, Sweden...not cool.

You really can find anything on the internet. Anybody looking to become a full time pickpocket?

And to think, American Express rejected me once for a credit card. I guess I'm not hairy enough for them.

So, they're playing down the Christian link in "The Lion, the witch, and the wardrobe" movie. Being it was written by C. S. Lewis, the great Christian philosopher, I find it rather amusing. It's almost as though being a Christian was suddenly a bad thing.

Well...it sure has been a while. About a month, if I'm not mistaken. Things have been extremely hectic at work, not to mention my second vacation of the year. Hehe...I have so much vacation time, I feel like a Euro. Anyways, I'll start writing again just to stay in practice, although I'm debating whether or not to start sending links again. It takes a lot of time that I just don't have anymore.

First things first; my car was broken into last night. I was working late and I parked my almost new car (although, not so new anymore, now) at a different parking structure since I was unable to purchase a monthly pass what with me being out of the country for two weeks. When I made it back to my car, I didn't even notice anything wrong; I popped my trunk and tossed my briefcase inside and headed for the driver's side door. At this point, the inside light turned on and I noticed something was definitely wrong; all the contents of my glove compartment were scattered across my seat. Of course, the shattered glass all over the inside of the car was a pretty good tip off, too. After the burning rage that consumed my person for the next 5 minutes exhausted itself with cursing and threatening horrible tortures to be inflicted on the perpetrator who would dare do this to my property, I started to clean off the glass shards on my driver's seat so I could get home without bleeding profusely. Let me just say, cleaning out a broken window from your car is one of the most frustrating things to do. You can't leave any nook or cranny alone, unless you want an ass full of glass sometime in the future. I did a pretty thorough job and only cut my hand once, so I'd guess that's not too bad. So, basically, it cost me two hours of cleaning, the same amount of time getting the window replaced, and 150 bucks out of my pocket. What did the piece of shit that did this get? About 5 bucks in change, my car manual and some copied cds that were in my center consol. I fucking hate homeless people.

Farkin' Links Vol. 162 10/17

Well, I hope you all enjoyed your weekend. You may have noticed that I haven't been very consistent in these links, and all I can say is it's been a bad couple of weeks. But, that's neither here nor there. Speaking of bad, Sunday was certainly one of them. Besides being Sunday, the day before work, we lost our first basketball game, my favorite baseball team the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim lost their playoff series to those bunch of cheaters, the Chicago White Sox, and even worse, I'm looking at another losing week with my fantasy football team. Basically, was just an all around loser this weekend. But, things are looking up on our b-ball league; one of the players on our opponent from the basketball league got himself thrown out of the league by cursing at the refs and score keepers. That should make their team easier to handle come playoff time. It still sucks to lose to a bunch of punks. As we walked out of the gym losers that night, it started to rain...and I just washed my car, too. I hope the White Sox win the World Series, so the drunken, drug addled losers of that city have something to warm their black hearts while their trudging through 10 inches of snow in freezing temperatures. Bastards.

"Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength."
--Eric Hoffer


Just like life would be cooler if people broke out into song for no apparent reason, life would be much more fun if people settled their disagreements with dance offs. You got served, foo!

Hmmm...I wonder how my name hasn't been added to this database yet...oh wait, that's right, I never use my real name.

I know gas is expensive...but this chick is just an exhibitionist slut...not that there's anything wrong with that. Not safe for work.

This guy has an interesting point about the Miss Universe contest...that I might have an opinion on if a gave a crap about the Miss Universe contest.

Yikes! A man walks into a T-Mobile store and sets a woman on fire. Well, I know those roaming charges kill, but this is still a little extreme...oh, wait, it was his wife. I totally understand.

For the "Japanese people are crazy," well, they say a picture is worth a thousand words. This one I don't even need to comment on.

Man...I hope this isn't Moody in another ten years.

Whoa...Keanu either doesn't ever change his clothes or has a closet full of the same outfits like a superhero.

Great....just what I need; a camera that's smarter than I am.

For the those paranoid souls out there, find out who's really sending you emails.

Looks like even foreigners wanna be like Ron Artest.

Talk about having too much time and money on your hands. I like Dunk Hunt as much as anybody, but I fail to see the benefit of this little project.

Hehe...for the silly ebay auction of the day, we have Ross Gellar's leather pants. Well, sort of. Read the accompanying story.

Damn, too bad I didn't look into Chinese cars before I bought my new Mazda 3.

They really have some strange petitions online. This one I'm totally behind, though. We need more porno mustaches in sports.

Farkin' Links Vol. 161 10/12

Not much time to write anything today, so you'll just have to pretend I wrote something witty, clever, highly offensive, and memorable for the day. Oh yeah...GO ANGELS! Chicago and anybody associated with Chicago or perhaps even went to a graduate program out there sucks!

"There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people."
--Muhammad Ali


Hey Tristan...looks like there's a good job opening for video productions here...an explosive job, it seems.

For the "Japanese people are crazy" link, we have a new car with a hatch in front to keep your dog. I bet this would be popular in Mexico; fitting people into the smaller glove compartments of American cars can't be too easy.

Wow...now this is just bold...and totally not appropriate for work. Don't click here.

Well, since that MacGyver for president site was fake, it looks like I'm going to have to vote Zod 2008.

OK...this is totally not safe for work, so don't even try it. But, this is the reason men don't take women seriously on politics.

Now THIS is a political debate that's of interest to the world. Where do you stand on the great toiletpaper debate? I like it spinning toward me...I hate trying to grab it from behind.

This is a pretty cool thread; childhood pictures of famous world leaders. Hey Moody, doesn't Ramy kind of look like Yasser Arafat?

Oh. My. God. Yet another reason to not play football...well, that and the fact that I'm uncoordinated and way too old are probably good reasons, too.

Craig's list is full of some strange folks...Normally, I'd say this is a joke post, but, being it's on Craig's list, you never know.

Well, he's pretty much nailed every single movie coming out now...but I'll still be in line to watch movie # 1.

Hehe...Jennifer Love Hewitt has been watching too many Seinfeld episodes. Then again, she's had nothing but time on her hands. On a related "Not safe for work" note, check out this great blouse she's wearing.

Six drinks that changed the world...of course beer is number 1!

Jeez...I didn't know Robin Hood was my neighbor.

You know...I really want an Ipod nano, but I don't want it nearly as much as these people. Still...how come I never get invited to these types of parties?

This guy obviously has too much time on his hands, but, at least he made something pretty cool...

Farkin' Links Vol. 160 10/11

Before I start anything today, I have to seriously mock the hell out of USA Today. Walking into the office this morning, I took a gander at the font page and spotted a story on the new Gena Davis presidential fantasy show on TV. The tagline read something to the effect of,"Gena Davis plays a president on television, but the real job may be harder." No...really? Actually having to make life and death decisions affecting the entire world might be more difficult than reading lines in front of a camera? Wow...that's profound, USA Today...really profound.

I hope you all had a nice weekend; my basketball team won yet another game. This time, it was never in doubt since every player on our roster actually showed up, including Scotty, the guy who was crushed by a truck. He certainly looks a lot better than I would have expected and, despite some rust, he played about as good as he did before the accident. The final victory margin was something along the lines of 24 points; Mickey, the other team manager, was pretty upset and threatening revenge in the playoffs. He must have forgotten that this game was our revenge game against his team that whooped our ass by over twenty last time we played...we'll be sure to remind him when we kick the snot out of them in the playoffs.

"If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me."
--Alice Roosevelt Longworth


This is a cool concept; they make a film of how various movies should have ended. They really need to do War of the Worlds.

Gee...churches celebrating national porn days? It really is the 21st century.

I knew it...watching Oprah kills.

Uh oh...this is bad news for my trip to India. I better keep the volume down on my dvd player. How does the country that wrote the Kama Sutra ban porn?

They say necessity is the mother of invention...I'd say in this case it was probably a 12 pack of Schlitz.

Google is playing with fire and Bill Gates is going to burn them. Mark my words.

What do you tell a woman in Saudi Arabia with two black eyes? Nothing...you already told her twice.

What do you think Katie(I'm sorry Kate now) and Tom Cruise will name their kiddie? Try putting your money where your mouth is in this online betting site.

Damn, this guy's got balls...for 149.99, I believe.

According to Esquire, Jessica Biel is the hottest chick alive...I wouldn't kick her out of bed, but for every Blade: Trinity and Stealth, she loses a little luster.

That's totally exploitation of the blind...and funny as hell.

This guy made a page devoted to the interesting residents of Texas...appropriately named Texas Trailer Trash.

Yikes...Dr. Frankenstein is alive and well down under. Still, you'd think he'd have something more grand in mind than Seabiscuit.

Note the leading headline on this story; and note the source of these allegations. I don't think they like our President very much.

Hehe...this kid as pretty good point.

Farkin' Links Vol. 159 10/7

I finally got around to watching the academy award winning movie, Million Dollar Baby, the other night. I had mixed feelings going into it; it was probably going to be yet another snooze fest by that senior citizen, Clint Eastwood, who hasn't made a movie I've enjoyed since I was in high school. That last movie of his, Mystic River, was one of the worst movie experience I've ever had and I'd rather swallow Drano...or worse yet, watch a WNBA game, than have to watch even 10 minutes of that crapfest ever again. On the other hand, the script was written by Paul Haggis, my new favorite screenplay writer. I know he gets his name from some nasty boiled sheep's stomach, but he wrote and directed the best movie I've seen in a while, Crash. Plus, he helped create that brilliant, high brow show, Walker, Texas Ranger. Anybody able to keep Chuck Norris on TV for seven years is a genius in my book. Maybe I should talk about the actual movie at some point.

The plot revolves around Frankie Dunn (played by Clint Eastwood), a boxing trainer and the best cut man in the business(I really didn't know there was such thing...I mean, don't they just stick a cold press on the cuts? How hard is that, really?) who ends up training a 31 year old white trash chick named Maggie Fitzgerald (played by two time academy award winner Hilary Swank...seriously, how the hell does she win two statues? Who would have saw that coming?) who wants to become a champion level boxer. Watching chicks fight is marginally better than watching them play basketball, so it's not the worst plot they could have come up with...but it's close. Watching women do masculine things isn't exactly my cup of tea, unless her name is Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so already the concept wasn't something I was interested in.
I don't want to ruin the surprise that you've all no doubt read about on the internet since the movie came out, but it's an extremely depressing, slow, and plodding...it's one of those 2 hour movies that seems like it's a David Lean epic; I kept checking my watch to see how much longer this damn thing is. It's well acted, the dialogue is pretty harsh but effective, and I can understand how Hilary Swank won another award...oh, and I'd never in a million years or for a million dollars watch this downer again. I'll give it a 7/10 (It gets an extra point because Morgan Freeman does the narration; that makes any movie better. He could narrate penguins walking aorund doing nothing and make a hit film...waitaminute...) Oh, and with the Tristan grading system, it gets a B-.

"Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence."
--Henrik Tikkanen


This is certainly good news for guys, but probably not so good news for society. Still, Whoo hoo!

Hehe...take that, you handicapped bastards!

Hey, I wanna be president of the internet! That means I get all the free porn I want, right?

This is sort of how I walk through a museum...except that he left out the part where you look for the hottest naked chick artfully painted. That's by far my favorite tip.

There is such thing as too much information, as this rock star reveals. Yuck...and more yuck.

I guess I gotta add this to the "Japanese people are crazy" link, but hey, it's pretty accurate.

...and because I've been neglecting the Japanese links lately, here's a follow up from a story a while ago. The government is now involved in trying to raise the Japanese birth rate as they're not producing enough to maintain the population. I respectfully recommend getting some orthodonics going in there...have you seen their teeth? This ain't England, man!

So that's what happened to Norman Bates! How the heck did he end up in India? Maybe he was a secret fan of Bollywood movies?Awww, who am I kidding...everyone's a fan of Bollywood movies.

This is a nice collection of insightful quotes from that enlightened genius, Mike Tyson. (Hat tip: Tristan)

Wow...this inventor is a genius making the world a better place. Someone needs to nominate him for a Nobel...oh wait, it's a German. Nevermind.

Poor Lindsay...she can't blame this accident on low blood sugar; she's been eating lately.

Hmmm...python vs. alligator? Much like a comedy showdown between Pauly Shore and Carrot top; they're both losers.

So...who wants to see Janet Jackson naked? Anyone?

Wow...I remember a kid submitting this invention back in jr. high school for a project. I wonder if this is his work?

I knew those Mormons were wild...this whole crazy religion thing is just an act.

Farkin' Links Vol. 158 10/6

I had a signing right downtown in the Fashion District last night. The condo was in a converted office building; you could see the water pipes leading to the newly installed bathrooms and kitchens running through the ceiling and windows were replaced with stainless steel inserts. It had a really weird, safe house from the zombie invasion feel to it. I was let inside by the 1st grade teacher I was doing the signing for and was shocked, shocked, to discover the tiny space this man lived in. It was so small, the guy had a loft bed with his clothing storage right below as a necessity. The old closet space had been converted into a tiny bathroom and half the room was taken up with a decent size kitchen. I felt like I had suddenly ended up in New York...or Europe. I couldn't imagine living in a place like that, but he seemed to really like it. Then again, he was sort of weird. But hey, he was a 1st grade teacher...you have to expect a certain amount of weirdness...

"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field."
--Niels Bohr


It's nice to see the Pentagon being fiscally responsible for once, but this is not the place to start.

Here's an interesting guide to making a 200 gig iPod nano...I'd say this is something Ben would do, but even he's not this goofy.

Make this a truly ironic story by reading this while you're at work.

Hehe...here's another soccer link for Mood-squad. I'm not sure if this goalie was being tough, or he just wanted to to kiss this other guy. Being it's soccer we're talking about, I'd say the latter.

O.K., so Nick and Jessica are separated...not wait, they're back together again...no wait...ahhh, screw both of those retards.

This is pretty interesting; this guy decided to keep track of just how much money he would have lost using those spam stock tips. Unlike Carol's new Mercedes, it's not pretty.

Here's a soccer link I can get on board with; pictures of the wives and girlfriends of soccer players. GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLL!

This guy's face is more rubbery than a Hollywood Starlet.

Well, this is probably the only movie I'd actually go watch Britney Spears in. I wonder if you can digitally remove K-Fed?

Damn, and I was thinking of going to Australia, too. Not only are their strippers ugly, but they're way too damn expensive...oh wait, that's that worthless Australian money, right?

Wow...it looks like I need to go to Florida instead. I better bring my six shooter, Tex.

I knew carbs were bad for you, but I had no idea bread was this dangerous! It must be stopped!

Whoops...those can't do really do teach, I guess. Well, not this guy anymore. Comic book guy here isn't teaching anytime soon.

Scotland has been named the most violent country in the developed world...I wasn't aware they'd been added to that list. Well, they did give us golf.

Damn; they're strict in Florida. I wouldn't have thought slapping a horse on the butt was an arresting offense. At least he didn't get shot.

Farkin' Links Vol. 157 10/5

I had a signing last night that kept me from watching the beginning of the Angels-Yankees game...which I guess is a good thing. Those damn Yankees won the game; the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim better suck it up or they're not going to get to the next round. They better at least win a game this postseason; last year they got swept right out on their ass. The signing was going alright; I was chatting the lady getting a refi and pulling out about 30k from her home. She was talking about things she should probably do to the house and I asked,"Is that what you're planning to do with the money?" She told me, no, that she needed the money to hang on until her husband came back. I asked where he was coming back from as I assumed it was a business trip or perhaps a medical problem. "Prison," she answered. Yeah...alright...huh...is it awkward in here or is it just me?

"The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything."
--Walter Bagehot


I have to include this link in support of Uriel and all he's doing to protect this great country. Screenshots of Anne Hatheway getting nekkid, who Uriel is so in love with that he purposely went to watch the Princess Diaries and it's sequel.

This guy proposed to his girlfriend on a Search Engine...that seems grounds alone to say hell no.

Did you hear about Kate Moss doing coke? Well, why don't you just watch it instead.

Wow...this king of New Orleans has a web page devoted soley to his beer looting exploits.

It's ok to love animals...but it's NOT ok to LOVE animals. All I know is Moody is lucky my dad hasn't heard about this headline yet.

Wow...I think we need to purchase NFL Blitz simply to perpetuate the legend that is Ron Mexico!

This has to be the stupidest shirt I've ever seen...and I'm so going to buy it before I visit China.

Wilmer "Fez" Valderrama is like a young Tommy Lee...despite the fact that he's not cool in any way.

This is pretty cool...a complete script of every Monty Python television episode. It's not completely unexpected, like the Spanish Inquisition, but it's a lot of work for so much silliness.

These guys are a bunch of bastards. Still, I laughed.

Mobile phone cameras will get you into trouble when you least expect it...but especially when you're drunk off your ass and doing stupid things.

Alright, stick it to those RIAA bastards! Fight the man!

Would you like to climb the Matterhorn but are far too lazy to actually learn how to mountain climb? Well, you could go to Disneyland, or you can go to this website.

These cop impersonations might have been fun to feel up women, but it won't be so fun when they're getting felt up by their cell mate.

I think you should be allowed to bring your gun to work...I mean, I work downtown. Hell, I should be allowed to carry a shotgun to some of the places I have to go to.

Farkin' Links Vol. 156 10/4

I did a signing last night with a cousin of Rush Limbaugh. I'm not even sure what to say about that. Even stranger, he had a Japanese Chin for a pet which is exactly the dog I used to have as a kid not to mention he also owned an African grey parrot, the same bird my dad bought then got tired of and gave away. The guy was rather surprised I knew what his rather ecclectic menagerie was made up of, but then again, so was I. I don't even like animals.

"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true."
--Robert Wilensky


Hmmm...maybe I should rethink my opposition to women serving in the military.

I've said it before and I'll just keep on saying it...Old people will pho-k you up. I hope Carol doesn't piss off any old ladies in her brand new Mercedes...

I've gone fishing on many occasions, unfortunately, but I've never caught anything like this.

The Danish airforce killed Santa Claus' reindeer...I know it's amazing...I didn't know the Danes even had an airforce!

I guess this is what Western values bring to Islamic countries...giant catfights!

Let's keep the Islamic soccer stories going, if only for Moody...check out this pic! I love that head gear.

Nobody ever said the Spice Girls were members of Mensa, but you probably shouldn't try and do stupid things in front of photographers.

Ouch, ouch, ouch. I don't think this penis therapy is an ancient Chinese secret. Getting your willie burned and reduced is not cool...I'm going to leave out a joke about Asians having small penises here in an effort to be more racially sensitive...and it's just too damn easy.

This seems like a stupid reason to visit a bar, but I can understand the need. I mean, it's probably the only place in England where you can get a cold beer.

Wow, this was bound to happen at some point with all the dvds in the pimped out cars. Still, are you surpised that the man busted two black dudes? Fight the man!

There she is...the most beautiful drug trafficer in the world...she's from Thailand, so she probably had some really cool tricks during the talent show section...probably involving ping pong balls.

CHICK FIGHT! These women fight dirty...

Wow...now this is way overdue. A soundboard of quotes from the awesomest of awesome movies, Army of Darkness! Hail to the king, baby!

This is an interesting follow up to that cool video of those wasps destroying a bee hive. It turns out the bees can kill a wasp by giving him a little too much lovin'.

Hehe...this reminds me of when I used to skate. I think I even managed to do this particular trick, only far less graceful. Now you know why I gave it up.

Farkin' Links Vol. 155 10/3

*Important Announcement* Some of you know that Tristan traded in his Corolla in for a giant behemoth, an Avalon. He was thinking he was in good shape until he saw what Carol managed to get for her birthday. He says it's a grey Mercedes SLK280 Roadster and that it's freakin' awesome. I know I'm jealous; and guys, I think she's still single...

Well, since I took off most of last week, I guess I should start up my links for those of you who are still bored. I hope you had a nice weekend; mine was pretty packed. Friday night I went to Newgen's company's Jazz concert in Pasadena. Playing that night was a swing band orchestra called Jonathan Stout and his Campus Five. I had forgotten what a strange group those swing dancers are; they dress in these weird zoot suits that look straight out of a cartoon. Either way, they sure can move; the band wasn't too bad either...especially for free. Saturday was a make up for my birthday by Moody, B, Chris and Newjen. They figured since they missed out on the soju, they could get me drunk again. After attempting to watch the Jones Jr. vs. Tarver fight for an hour (Thanks for nothing, directv. If it weren't for the fact that you own the NFL, I'd tell you where to stick your dish) and failing, we ended up going midnight bowling. I dominated, of course, but I was dragooned into bowling for my dad's league for 5 years, so I have the experience. The cool part about bowling is that you generally get better the drunker you get; this is also why it can't be called a sport, much like darts, pool or the WNBA. Still, I hadn't bowled in a while and doing so while pounding Jager-bombs wearing glowing shoes in an alley being blasted by rock music made it all the more fun.

Sunday was football, of course...Moody found out buying breakfast that there's a difference between a Sausage McMuffin and a Sausage and Egg McMuffin...actually, we found out since he doesn't eat swine. After too much football, I ended up heading to the fair. Besides winning an expensive stuffed animal (Well, expensive because of how much it cost to win, I mean. It's still a cheap piece of crap) and trying out all the good fair food, there were some interesting things to see. The best part was the Peking Acrobats, a group of crazy flexible circus performers that could do things I didn't know humans were capable of. This one act, where a tiny woman balanced a tray of 18 or so glasses full of liquid on the bridge of her nose climbed onto a rubber ball, rolled it across a giant see saw all while using a hula hoop and spinning rugs on both her hands. Talk about a stressful job...it was all I could do not to start throwing quarters at her. I had spent about 4 hours walking through a mass of humanity in the blazing sun stuffing myself with unhealthy food, so I found myself in perfect condition to play in my league basketball game right after. We only had 5 players yet again; Bihn managed to sprain his ankle, crazy ass Jonathan was stuck in Laughlin at a fishing contest (I'm not sure how you have a fishing contest in the desert), and we're still missing Scotty, but we did get Sean back this weekend. Since we had no subs, we had to conserve our energy; that's why we only won by one point. Well, actually, it was a desperate, ugly game that we barely pulled out. It was so desperate, in fact, that I was the one that scored the final two points for our team. If I'm scoring, that usually a bad sign for my team. Still, we're 3-0. Go Playground Legends!

"It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations."
--Sir Winston Churchill


Jeez...not only are the Teletubbies a bunch of sodomites, but they also run a drug cartel to rival Tony Montana!

That argument about gay marriage opening the way to polygamy doesn't sound all that crazy anymore, does it?

Well, this is good to know in case I end up in quicksand.

At least this didn't happen to me on my birthday...I'm claustrophobic, and I don't like getting my limbs broken.

I'm not exactly sure what happened here, but I guess this guy is pretty good at darts. Ads not safe for work.

The worst sex scene in cinema has been awarded to the pool sequence in that wonderful classic, Showgirls. But, hey, just like sex, even a bad sex scene is better than no sex scene.

For our "Japanese people are crazy" link...well, this is taking that whole "When Harry Met Sally" scene to it's logical conclusion, isn't it? Might not be safe for work.

This is a terrible, terrible idea, Big Brother. There's no way in hell I'll ever drive a car with one of these black boxes.

Whoa...I don't think you should be standing there, lady.

This illegal purchase sent to a pastor would have been much funnier if it had been a priest.

This is one of the most horrid stories I've ever heard about a roommate from hell. But hey, she makes me look clean, so I guess it's not all bad.

This guy went about testing whether or not you can cook a grilled cheese sandwich with an iron, like in the movie Benny and Joon. Mr. Wizard would be proud.

Yeah, this chick ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. If you can't figure out it's not a bad idea to brag about breaking the law to the media, you belong in jail. Still, this was a story that really needed pictures. Lots of pictures.

Alright! Hammertime never stops!

Damn! I hope this isn't true...I'm no fan of stray dogs, but this is just cruel.

Farkin' Links Vol. 154 9/27

Wow...what a busy week this has been...and it's only Wednesday. Pho-k. Let's see; I had a signing in a crappy neighborhood the other night yet again. You can tell the neighborhood sucks
when people get out of their cars and threaten other drivers with a baseball bat. Seriously, who carries around a bat in their passenger seat? I can guarantee he wasn't in a softball league. I mentioned during the signing that I was going to get a bite to eat and the man I was assisting helpfully suggested several places to eat. The one he sold me on was named the Gold Ox; he told me it was the best pastrami sandwich I could get. I had asked," Like the Hat?" He replied,"Sure, only it's better." That had me sold, so I rolled on over. When I ordered the special, the guy behind the counter whipped out the bun. It wasn't particularly impressive and I was beginning to think the man had been exaggerating until pastrami began to be piled onto the bread. He kept putting more and more pastrami until it completely dwarfed the bun, then he added some more. By the time he was done with it, I was caught between excitement and fear. It looked like it was going to be great, but it also looked like it was going to give me a heart attack right then and there. With a soda, a towering pile of fries, and enough mustard to take a bath in, the only thing it was missing was a defibrillator. A better idea of how impressive it was is that I actually went out to my car and grabbed my camera just so I could take a picture. I'll be sure to post it at some point.

"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed."
--Sean O'Casey


That wasn't very nice...but it sure was funny.

Gay penguin goes straight...Pat Robertson must be happy to hear that.

Boy, I'm glad the ACLU is here to protect us from common sense.

Damn...dogs are freakin' stupid.

Well, I only agree with this decision by the school if both of these lesbians parents were ugly.

What a bunch of sick freaks!

That's a pretty cool trick...but probably not what you want to be doing in the middle of a race.

That's a pretty disgusting drink...it reminds me of something Paul did back in high school. Of course, nobody actually drank it.

For the "Japanese people are crazy" link, we have a new Ronald McDonald...I know I hate clowns, but it's because they don't look like this.

This girl must have been on something special to do that to her hair. Whatever it was, I don't want any of it.

I, for one, salute this club's efforts. Makes me wanna go to New Orleans.

Wow...that's just...wow...

That's pretty impressive...but not as impressive as that guy who used to defy phsyics when parking his VW bug.

...and I thought I had nothing to do at work...

The Simpsons predicted it; we're so screwed. The smartest animals on the planet are going to destroy us all.

Farkin' Links Vol. 153 9/26

I hope you all had a nice weekend...mine was pretty good, although my liver would probably object. All I can say about my birthday is that Soju is the devil's brew and is completely evil. Drink it at your own peril. Just ask Jack...or Fire Prince...or Jerry...or Marlon...

After waking up from a nap on Sunday, I realized that my basketball game was going to start in 10 minutes. Shaking the cobwebs from my head and grabbing my gear, I made it to the game with only a minute expired in the game...unfortunately, I noticed there were only 4 players from my team on the court. It seemed that I was number 5, so we had to go ironman and play the whole game with no subs. I thought many unmentionable phrases in my head as we were expecting to have seven bodies there this weekend. Instead, we were screwed. The one good thing about this game is that we were playing what is probably the second crappiest team in the league, besides B's team from last week. Fortune has smiled upon our schedule by letting us play the stinky teams while we're still missing our two best players. I'm not exactly sure how we pulled a victory out in this game, but it happened. I think the best way to put it is that the slightly less crappy team won. People would have been changing the channel to watch I Love Lucy had they watched this ugly game, but at least we came away with another win in the column.

"Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony."
--Robert Benchley


Damn...I was so ready to buy this team jersey and send it to Uriel in Iraq. That would have been the greatest gift ever.

Wow, that's one powerful hurricane. I just don't know if it was the drink or the wind and rain kind.

Whoa...this guy really needs to either change his name, or his profession. Dr. Dick Chopp? Not good...not good at all.

This is what pacifism brings you...a good, old fashioned, ass whuppin'. Ads not safe for work.

Hehe, the power of LEGO! This one's for Moody...and no, I don't think you can buy him in a head shop.

Awww...it's a touching sports story about a dying boy's last wish...how the heck did this get in my links?

Ooooohhhh...I think he ripped his sac. Ads not safe for work.

This is an interesting read; as opposed to listing the "best" or the "worst" albums of the 90s, this is the least essential. I don't know why he was so hard of MC Skat Kat though...

I guess these bikers thought they were on Harley's or something. Still, take that, copper!

That's...an interesting wedding dress. She looks like Shera, Princess of Power.

This is good to note for my trip to Germany next year. By then, the cops will not be able to catch me. They've probably watched one too many Dukes of Hazzard episodes.

Compared to other countries, our politicians are just plain boring. Hopefully, it stays that way.

That's one thin building...the Chinese are even weird in other countries.

Stone skimming's a sport? I suppose it's right up there with Rock, Paper, Scissors, Magic: The Gathering tournaments, and women's basketball.

I think this is a case of, "You break it, you bought it." Well, my first car wasn't in much better condition anyways.

This is a case of political correctness going too far. I don't have a problem with people with handicaps playing sports...but I'm pretty sure you need legs to be useful on a football field.

Farkin' Links Vol. 152 9/23

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy BIRTHDAY TO...uh oh...I better stop before I get charged with royalties. I just can't get into that Happy happy birthday song they use at restaurants now. Anyways, I've survived another year, which is pretty good. Especially considering some of the strange trips I've taken over the past couple of years; I don't have that amazing healing factor that my brother has(I'm not sure that he's human...he's gotten sick once in the past 12 years). I've gotten sick in every country I've visited, yet I keep going back for more. I must be a subconscious masochist or something. I hope you guys have a good weekend and go ahead and enjoy my links.

Oh yeah, I also finally got around to finishing my album from my trip to Charleston. Now, you can see it without actually having to go there! Believe me, you'll thank me later.

"Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong."
--Dandemis


Sometimes I'm sad that I wasn't able to play football in high school...then I see something like this and feel much better I'm able to walk.

I take back all the things I've said about Jessica Biel movies...I'm definitely going to go see London...at least twice.

Oh wow...I know EXACTLY what I want as my Halloween costume this year.

Gee, I guess Halloween really is just around the corner. I'm so jealous of the kids who got to dress up as Rubik's cube. I'm sorry, I mean the kids who got to beat the crap out of the kids dressed as Rubik's cube.

That's the second biggest Gameboy I've ever seen...what's up, Tristan? How have you not sent me a video game link like this? You're slipping, man...

This is a very in depth examination of the differences between the American and Japanese Mario Bros. 3...by a guy who's probably living in his parents' basement.

Hey Alex, when did you get a basement room to house all your toys? The amazing part is he's married.

I love netflix and all, but there are just some things that you shouldn't rent. Not safe for work.

This guy needs to prioritze a little better.

Poor Henry Earl is in jail again. Since when is getting drunk a crime?

I usually don't like that guerilla art, but this is really damn clever. I know I'd have a field day with these thought bubbles.

I've heard of glow in the dark condoms...but this, this is ridiculous.

I'm not sure what to make of this, but hey, I love white rappers. Plus, any song dedicated to Subarus has to be shared with the world. Not safe for work.

Why do people insist on making embarrassing videos of themselves and posting them online? Not that I'm complaining; I wouldn't have anything to share with you if they didn't. Anyways, Kiss rocks.

Well...normally you'd buy something like this at an adult store. Still, I guess the docs need to train somewhere...