Farkin' Links Vol. 162 10/17

Well, I hope you all enjoyed your weekend. You may have noticed that I haven't been very consistent in these links, and all I can say is it's been a bad couple of weeks. But, that's neither here nor there. Speaking of bad, Sunday was certainly one of them. Besides being Sunday, the day before work, we lost our first basketball game, my favorite baseball team the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim lost their playoff series to those bunch of cheaters, the Chicago White Sox, and even worse, I'm looking at another losing week with my fantasy football team. Basically, was just an all around loser this weekend. But, things are looking up on our b-ball league; one of the players on our opponent from the basketball league got himself thrown out of the league by cursing at the refs and score keepers. That should make their team easier to handle come playoff time. It still sucks to lose to a bunch of punks. As we walked out of the gym losers that night, it started to rain...and I just washed my car, too. I hope the White Sox win the World Series, so the drunken, drug addled losers of that city have something to warm their black hearts while their trudging through 10 inches of snow in freezing temperatures. Bastards.

"Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength."
--Eric Hoffer


Just like life would be cooler if people broke out into song for no apparent reason, life would be much more fun if people settled their disagreements with dance offs. You got served, foo!

Hmmm...I wonder how my name hasn't been added to this database yet...oh wait, that's right, I never use my real name.

I know gas is expensive...but this chick is just an exhibitionist slut...not that there's anything wrong with that. Not safe for work.

This guy has an interesting point about the Miss Universe contest...that I might have an opinion on if a gave a crap about the Miss Universe contest.

Yikes! A man walks into a T-Mobile store and sets a woman on fire. Well, I know those roaming charges kill, but this is still a little extreme...oh, wait, it was his wife. I totally understand.

For the "Japanese people are crazy," well, they say a picture is worth a thousand words. This one I don't even need to comment on.

Man...I hope this isn't Moody in another ten years.

Whoa...Keanu either doesn't ever change his clothes or has a closet full of the same outfits like a superhero.

Great....just what I need; a camera that's smarter than I am.

For the those paranoid souls out there, find out who's really sending you emails.

Looks like even foreigners wanna be like Ron Artest.

Talk about having too much time and money on your hands. I like Dunk Hunt as much as anybody, but I fail to see the benefit of this little project.

Hehe...for the silly ebay auction of the day, we have Ross Gellar's leather pants. Well, sort of. Read the accompanying story.

Damn, too bad I didn't look into Chinese cars before I bought my new Mazda 3.

They really have some strange petitions online. This one I'm totally behind, though. We need more porno mustaches in sports.

Farkin' Links Vol. 161 10/12

Not much time to write anything today, so you'll just have to pretend I wrote something witty, clever, highly offensive, and memorable for the day. Oh yeah...GO ANGELS! Chicago and anybody associated with Chicago or perhaps even went to a graduate program out there sucks!

"There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people."
--Muhammad Ali


Hey Tristan...looks like there's a good job opening for video productions here...an explosive job, it seems.

For the "Japanese people are crazy" link, we have a new car with a hatch in front to keep your dog. I bet this would be popular in Mexico; fitting people into the smaller glove compartments of American cars can't be too easy.

Wow...now this is just bold...and totally not appropriate for work. Don't click here.

Well, since that MacGyver for president site was fake, it looks like I'm going to have to vote Zod 2008.

OK...this is totally not safe for work, so don't even try it. But, this is the reason men don't take women seriously on politics.

Now THIS is a political debate that's of interest to the world. Where do you stand on the great toiletpaper debate? I like it spinning toward me...I hate trying to grab it from behind.

This is a pretty cool thread; childhood pictures of famous world leaders. Hey Moody, doesn't Ramy kind of look like Yasser Arafat?

Oh. My. God. Yet another reason to not play football...well, that and the fact that I'm uncoordinated and way too old are probably good reasons, too.

Craig's list is full of some strange folks...Normally, I'd say this is a joke post, but, being it's on Craig's list, you never know.

Well, he's pretty much nailed every single movie coming out now...but I'll still be in line to watch movie # 1.

Hehe...Jennifer Love Hewitt has been watching too many Seinfeld episodes. Then again, she's had nothing but time on her hands. On a related "Not safe for work" note, check out this great blouse she's wearing.

Six drinks that changed the world...of course beer is number 1!

Jeez...I didn't know Robin Hood was my neighbor.

You know...I really want an Ipod nano, but I don't want it nearly as much as these people. Still...how come I never get invited to these types of parties?

This guy obviously has too much time on his hands, but, at least he made something pretty cool...

Farkin' Links Vol. 160 10/11

Before I start anything today, I have to seriously mock the hell out of USA Today. Walking into the office this morning, I took a gander at the font page and spotted a story on the new Gena Davis presidential fantasy show on TV. The tagline read something to the effect of,"Gena Davis plays a president on television, but the real job may be harder." No...really? Actually having to make life and death decisions affecting the entire world might be more difficult than reading lines in front of a camera? Wow...that's profound, USA Today...really profound.

I hope you all had a nice weekend; my basketball team won yet another game. This time, it was never in doubt since every player on our roster actually showed up, including Scotty, the guy who was crushed by a truck. He certainly looks a lot better than I would have expected and, despite some rust, he played about as good as he did before the accident. The final victory margin was something along the lines of 24 points; Mickey, the other team manager, was pretty upset and threatening revenge in the playoffs. He must have forgotten that this game was our revenge game against his team that whooped our ass by over twenty last time we played...we'll be sure to remind him when we kick the snot out of them in the playoffs.

"If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me."
--Alice Roosevelt Longworth


This is a cool concept; they make a film of how various movies should have ended. They really need to do War of the Worlds.

Gee...churches celebrating national porn days? It really is the 21st century.

I knew it...watching Oprah kills.

Uh oh...this is bad news for my trip to India. I better keep the volume down on my dvd player. How does the country that wrote the Kama Sutra ban porn?

They say necessity is the mother of invention...I'd say in this case it was probably a 12 pack of Schlitz.

Google is playing with fire and Bill Gates is going to burn them. Mark my words.

What do you tell a woman in Saudi Arabia with two black eyes? Nothing...you already told her twice.

What do you think Katie(I'm sorry Kate now) and Tom Cruise will name their kiddie? Try putting your money where your mouth is in this online betting site.

Damn, this guy's got balls...for 149.99, I believe.

According to Esquire, Jessica Biel is the hottest chick alive...I wouldn't kick her out of bed, but for every Blade: Trinity and Stealth, she loses a little luster.

That's totally exploitation of the blind...and funny as hell.

This guy made a page devoted to the interesting residents of Texas...appropriately named Texas Trailer Trash.

Yikes...Dr. Frankenstein is alive and well down under. Still, you'd think he'd have something more grand in mind than Seabiscuit.

Note the leading headline on this story; and note the source of these allegations. I don't think they like our President very much.

Hehe...this kid as pretty good point.

Farkin' Links Vol. 159 10/7

I finally got around to watching the academy award winning movie, Million Dollar Baby, the other night. I had mixed feelings going into it; it was probably going to be yet another snooze fest by that senior citizen, Clint Eastwood, who hasn't made a movie I've enjoyed since I was in high school. That last movie of his, Mystic River, was one of the worst movie experience I've ever had and I'd rather swallow Drano...or worse yet, watch a WNBA game, than have to watch even 10 minutes of that crapfest ever again. On the other hand, the script was written by Paul Haggis, my new favorite screenplay writer. I know he gets his name from some nasty boiled sheep's stomach, but he wrote and directed the best movie I've seen in a while, Crash. Plus, he helped create that brilliant, high brow show, Walker, Texas Ranger. Anybody able to keep Chuck Norris on TV for seven years is a genius in my book. Maybe I should talk about the actual movie at some point.

The plot revolves around Frankie Dunn (played by Clint Eastwood), a boxing trainer and the best cut man in the business(I really didn't know there was such thing...I mean, don't they just stick a cold press on the cuts? How hard is that, really?) who ends up training a 31 year old white trash chick named Maggie Fitzgerald (played by two time academy award winner Hilary Swank...seriously, how the hell does she win two statues? Who would have saw that coming?) who wants to become a champion level boxer. Watching chicks fight is marginally better than watching them play basketball, so it's not the worst plot they could have come up with...but it's close. Watching women do masculine things isn't exactly my cup of tea, unless her name is Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so already the concept wasn't something I was interested in.
I don't want to ruin the surprise that you've all no doubt read about on the internet since the movie came out, but it's an extremely depressing, slow, and plodding...it's one of those 2 hour movies that seems like it's a David Lean epic; I kept checking my watch to see how much longer this damn thing is. It's well acted, the dialogue is pretty harsh but effective, and I can understand how Hilary Swank won another award...oh, and I'd never in a million years or for a million dollars watch this downer again. I'll give it a 7/10 (It gets an extra point because Morgan Freeman does the narration; that makes any movie better. He could narrate penguins walking aorund doing nothing and make a hit film...waitaminute...) Oh, and with the Tristan grading system, it gets a B-.

"Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence."
--Henrik Tikkanen


This is certainly good news for guys, but probably not so good news for society. Still, Whoo hoo!

Hehe...take that, you handicapped bastards!

Hey, I wanna be president of the internet! That means I get all the free porn I want, right?

This is sort of how I walk through a museum...except that he left out the part where you look for the hottest naked chick artfully painted. That's by far my favorite tip.

There is such thing as too much information, as this rock star reveals. Yuck...and more yuck.

I guess I gotta add this to the "Japanese people are crazy" link, but hey, it's pretty accurate.

...and because I've been neglecting the Japanese links lately, here's a follow up from a story a while ago. The government is now involved in trying to raise the Japanese birth rate as they're not producing enough to maintain the population. I respectfully recommend getting some orthodonics going in there...have you seen their teeth? This ain't England, man!

So that's what happened to Norman Bates! How the heck did he end up in India? Maybe he was a secret fan of Bollywood movies?Awww, who am I kidding...everyone's a fan of Bollywood movies.

This is a nice collection of insightful quotes from that enlightened genius, Mike Tyson. (Hat tip: Tristan)

Wow...this inventor is a genius making the world a better place. Someone needs to nominate him for a Nobel...oh wait, it's a German. Nevermind.

Poor Lindsay...she can't blame this accident on low blood sugar; she's been eating lately.

Hmmm...python vs. alligator? Much like a comedy showdown between Pauly Shore and Carrot top; they're both losers.

So...who wants to see Janet Jackson naked? Anyone?

Wow...I remember a kid submitting this invention back in jr. high school for a project. I wonder if this is his work?

I knew those Mormons were wild...this whole crazy religion thing is just an act.

Farkin' Links Vol. 158 10/6

I had a signing right downtown in the Fashion District last night. The condo was in a converted office building; you could see the water pipes leading to the newly installed bathrooms and kitchens running through the ceiling and windows were replaced with stainless steel inserts. It had a really weird, safe house from the zombie invasion feel to it. I was let inside by the 1st grade teacher I was doing the signing for and was shocked, shocked, to discover the tiny space this man lived in. It was so small, the guy had a loft bed with his clothing storage right below as a necessity. The old closet space had been converted into a tiny bathroom and half the room was taken up with a decent size kitchen. I felt like I had suddenly ended up in New York...or Europe. I couldn't imagine living in a place like that, but he seemed to really like it. Then again, he was sort of weird. But hey, he was a 1st grade teacher...you have to expect a certain amount of weirdness...

"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field."
--Niels Bohr


It's nice to see the Pentagon being fiscally responsible for once, but this is not the place to start.

Here's an interesting guide to making a 200 gig iPod nano...I'd say this is something Ben would do, but even he's not this goofy.

Make this a truly ironic story by reading this while you're at work.

Hehe...here's another soccer link for Mood-squad. I'm not sure if this goalie was being tough, or he just wanted to to kiss this other guy. Being it's soccer we're talking about, I'd say the latter.

O.K., so Nick and Jessica are separated...not wait, they're back together again...no wait...ahhh, screw both of those retards.

This is pretty interesting; this guy decided to keep track of just how much money he would have lost using those spam stock tips. Unlike Carol's new Mercedes, it's not pretty.

Here's a soccer link I can get on board with; pictures of the wives and girlfriends of soccer players. GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLL!

This guy's face is more rubbery than a Hollywood Starlet.

Well, this is probably the only movie I'd actually go watch Britney Spears in. I wonder if you can digitally remove K-Fed?

Damn, and I was thinking of going to Australia, too. Not only are their strippers ugly, but they're way too damn expensive...oh wait, that's that worthless Australian money, right?

Wow...it looks like I need to go to Florida instead. I better bring my six shooter, Tex.

I knew carbs were bad for you, but I had no idea bread was this dangerous! It must be stopped!

Whoops...those can't do really do teach, I guess. Well, not this guy anymore. Comic book guy here isn't teaching anytime soon.

Scotland has been named the most violent country in the developed world...I wasn't aware they'd been added to that list. Well, they did give us golf.

Damn; they're strict in Florida. I wouldn't have thought slapping a horse on the butt was an arresting offense. At least he didn't get shot.

Farkin' Links Vol. 157 10/5

I had a signing last night that kept me from watching the beginning of the Angels-Yankees game...which I guess is a good thing. Those damn Yankees won the game; the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim better suck it up or they're not going to get to the next round. They better at least win a game this postseason; last year they got swept right out on their ass. The signing was going alright; I was chatting the lady getting a refi and pulling out about 30k from her home. She was talking about things she should probably do to the house and I asked,"Is that what you're planning to do with the money?" She told me, no, that she needed the money to hang on until her husband came back. I asked where he was coming back from as I assumed it was a business trip or perhaps a medical problem. "Prison," she answered. Yeah...alright...huh...is it awkward in here or is it just me?

"The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything."
--Walter Bagehot


I have to include this link in support of Uriel and all he's doing to protect this great country. Screenshots of Anne Hatheway getting nekkid, who Uriel is so in love with that he purposely went to watch the Princess Diaries and it's sequel.

This guy proposed to his girlfriend on a Search Engine...that seems grounds alone to say hell no.

Did you hear about Kate Moss doing coke? Well, why don't you just watch it instead.

Wow...this king of New Orleans has a web page devoted soley to his beer looting exploits.

It's ok to love animals...but it's NOT ok to LOVE animals. All I know is Moody is lucky my dad hasn't heard about this headline yet.

Wow...I think we need to purchase NFL Blitz simply to perpetuate the legend that is Ron Mexico!

This has to be the stupidest shirt I've ever seen...and I'm so going to buy it before I visit China.

Wilmer "Fez" Valderrama is like a young Tommy Lee...despite the fact that he's not cool in any way.

This is pretty cool...a complete script of every Monty Python television episode. It's not completely unexpected, like the Spanish Inquisition, but it's a lot of work for so much silliness.

These guys are a bunch of bastards. Still, I laughed.

Mobile phone cameras will get you into trouble when you least expect it...but especially when you're drunk off your ass and doing stupid things.

Alright, stick it to those RIAA bastards! Fight the man!

Would you like to climb the Matterhorn but are far too lazy to actually learn how to mountain climb? Well, you could go to Disneyland, or you can go to this website.

These cop impersonations might have been fun to feel up women, but it won't be so fun when they're getting felt up by their cell mate.

I think you should be allowed to bring your gun to work...I mean, I work downtown. Hell, I should be allowed to carry a shotgun to some of the places I have to go to.

Farkin' Links Vol. 156 10/4

I did a signing last night with a cousin of Rush Limbaugh. I'm not even sure what to say about that. Even stranger, he had a Japanese Chin for a pet which is exactly the dog I used to have as a kid not to mention he also owned an African grey parrot, the same bird my dad bought then got tired of and gave away. The guy was rather surprised I knew what his rather ecclectic menagerie was made up of, but then again, so was I. I don't even like animals.

"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true."
--Robert Wilensky


Hmmm...maybe I should rethink my opposition to women serving in the military.

I've said it before and I'll just keep on saying it...Old people will pho-k you up. I hope Carol doesn't piss off any old ladies in her brand new Mercedes...

I've gone fishing on many occasions, unfortunately, but I've never caught anything like this.

The Danish airforce killed Santa Claus' reindeer...I know it's amazing...I didn't know the Danes even had an airforce!

I guess this is what Western values bring to Islamic countries...giant catfights!

Let's keep the Islamic soccer stories going, if only for Moody...check out this pic! I love that head gear.

Nobody ever said the Spice Girls were members of Mensa, but you probably shouldn't try and do stupid things in front of photographers.

Ouch, ouch, ouch. I don't think this penis therapy is an ancient Chinese secret. Getting your willie burned and reduced is not cool...I'm going to leave out a joke about Asians having small penises here in an effort to be more racially sensitive...and it's just too damn easy.

This seems like a stupid reason to visit a bar, but I can understand the need. I mean, it's probably the only place in England where you can get a cold beer.

Wow, this was bound to happen at some point with all the dvds in the pimped out cars. Still, are you surpised that the man busted two black dudes? Fight the man!

There she is...the most beautiful drug trafficer in the world...she's from Thailand, so she probably had some really cool tricks during the talent show section...probably involving ping pong balls.

CHICK FIGHT! These women fight dirty...

Wow...now this is way overdue. A soundboard of quotes from the awesomest of awesome movies, Army of Darkness! Hail to the king, baby!

This is an interesting follow up to that cool video of those wasps destroying a bee hive. It turns out the bees can kill a wasp by giving him a little too much lovin'.

Hehe...this reminds me of when I used to skate. I think I even managed to do this particular trick, only far less graceful. Now you know why I gave it up.

Farkin' Links Vol. 155 10/3

*Important Announcement* Some of you know that Tristan traded in his Corolla in for a giant behemoth, an Avalon. He was thinking he was in good shape until he saw what Carol managed to get for her birthday. He says it's a grey Mercedes SLK280 Roadster and that it's freakin' awesome. I know I'm jealous; and guys, I think she's still single...

Well, since I took off most of last week, I guess I should start up my links for those of you who are still bored. I hope you had a nice weekend; mine was pretty packed. Friday night I went to Newgen's company's Jazz concert in Pasadena. Playing that night was a swing band orchestra called Jonathan Stout and his Campus Five. I had forgotten what a strange group those swing dancers are; they dress in these weird zoot suits that look straight out of a cartoon. Either way, they sure can move; the band wasn't too bad either...especially for free. Saturday was a make up for my birthday by Moody, B, Chris and Newjen. They figured since they missed out on the soju, they could get me drunk again. After attempting to watch the Jones Jr. vs. Tarver fight for an hour (Thanks for nothing, directv. If it weren't for the fact that you own the NFL, I'd tell you where to stick your dish) and failing, we ended up going midnight bowling. I dominated, of course, but I was dragooned into bowling for my dad's league for 5 years, so I have the experience. The cool part about bowling is that you generally get better the drunker you get; this is also why it can't be called a sport, much like darts, pool or the WNBA. Still, I hadn't bowled in a while and doing so while pounding Jager-bombs wearing glowing shoes in an alley being blasted by rock music made it all the more fun.

Sunday was football, of course...Moody found out buying breakfast that there's a difference between a Sausage McMuffin and a Sausage and Egg McMuffin...actually, we found out since he doesn't eat swine. After too much football, I ended up heading to the fair. Besides winning an expensive stuffed animal (Well, expensive because of how much it cost to win, I mean. It's still a cheap piece of crap) and trying out all the good fair food, there were some interesting things to see. The best part was the Peking Acrobats, a group of crazy flexible circus performers that could do things I didn't know humans were capable of. This one act, where a tiny woman balanced a tray of 18 or so glasses full of liquid on the bridge of her nose climbed onto a rubber ball, rolled it across a giant see saw all while using a hula hoop and spinning rugs on both her hands. Talk about a stressful job...it was all I could do not to start throwing quarters at her. I had spent about 4 hours walking through a mass of humanity in the blazing sun stuffing myself with unhealthy food, so I found myself in perfect condition to play in my league basketball game right after. We only had 5 players yet again; Bihn managed to sprain his ankle, crazy ass Jonathan was stuck in Laughlin at a fishing contest (I'm not sure how you have a fishing contest in the desert), and we're still missing Scotty, but we did get Sean back this weekend. Since we had no subs, we had to conserve our energy; that's why we only won by one point. Well, actually, it was a desperate, ugly game that we barely pulled out. It was so desperate, in fact, that I was the one that scored the final two points for our team. If I'm scoring, that usually a bad sign for my team. Still, we're 3-0. Go Playground Legends!

"It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations."
--Sir Winston Churchill


Jeez...not only are the Teletubbies a bunch of sodomites, but they also run a drug cartel to rival Tony Montana!

That argument about gay marriage opening the way to polygamy doesn't sound all that crazy anymore, does it?

Well, this is good to know in case I end up in quicksand.

At least this didn't happen to me on my birthday...I'm claustrophobic, and I don't like getting my limbs broken.

I'm not exactly sure what happened here, but I guess this guy is pretty good at darts. Ads not safe for work.

The worst sex scene in cinema has been awarded to the pool sequence in that wonderful classic, Showgirls. But, hey, just like sex, even a bad sex scene is better than no sex scene.

For our "Japanese people are crazy" link...well, this is taking that whole "When Harry Met Sally" scene to it's logical conclusion, isn't it? Might not be safe for work.

This is a terrible, terrible idea, Big Brother. There's no way in hell I'll ever drive a car with one of these black boxes.

Whoa...I don't think you should be standing there, lady.

This illegal purchase sent to a pastor would have been much funnier if it had been a priest.

This is one of the most horrid stories I've ever heard about a roommate from hell. But hey, she makes me look clean, so I guess it's not all bad.

This guy went about testing whether or not you can cook a grilled cheese sandwich with an iron, like in the movie Benny and Joon. Mr. Wizard would be proud.

Yeah, this chick ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. If you can't figure out it's not a bad idea to brag about breaking the law to the media, you belong in jail. Still, this was a story that really needed pictures. Lots of pictures.

Alright! Hammertime never stops!

Damn! I hope this isn't true...I'm no fan of stray dogs, but this is just cruel.