The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
--Robert Frost

If that's not the perfect Monday quote, I don't know what is. I mean, I'm at work, obviously my brain isn't working.


It was quite an interesting weekend in that I actually got out and about for the first time in a while. On Friday, Chow and Andy really wanted to do something, anything really, so we went and got dinner at Red Lobster first and then went looking for a bar to hang out at. Chow really wants to hang out at Camacho's off the 60, so off we go. It's primarily a Mexican hangout, so he thought we could broaden our horizons and hope to God we didn't get knifed. When we got there, the guys at the front did give us funny looks, but went ahead and let us in. We thought, well, obviously, we're not the usual clientele, so I'm sure that's why they did that. Boy, were we way the hell off base. As we're at the window, Chow glances into the club and sees this black dude on a stage wearing chaps...and not much else. It turns out it was a male stripper night...which is nice that there are a lot of women there, but it wasn't something we really wanted to pay for. I mean, how am I going to explain to anyone that I just paid to go watch some male strippers without it throwing my entire sexual orientation into question? I'm not that confident; neither were Chow and Andy.

From that point, we decided to play it safe and drive on over to Diamonds down in Brea, which is a pool hall. No near naked men down there. The place ended up being packed and there wasn't a chance of us getting a table for another hour and a half, so we just grabbed a spot and had a beer. Unfortunately, Andy decided to be the party pooper and fall asleep as we were talking...it's like he's a 7 year old, or something. Chow wanted to leave early because he was supposed to head on out to the mountains and snowboard with that bastard Marlon the next morning, so we woke up the sleeping not so beauty and got back to our cars before midnight. Chow didn't even end up going snowboarding, so I guess we called it early for no particular reason...not that Andy would have noticed. I'm going to have to start bringing a marker so I can write crap on him while he sleeps.

Saturday I woke up nice and late, then headed off for the gym. I had a nice workout until I managed to hurt my knee...I hope this doesn't last too long. My family has a history of bad knees so I hope this isn't the first of many future problems. Once I finished up and got back home to shower, it was already 5:30 in the evening. Yikes...I'm going to have to start waking up at a reasonable hour on the weekends! Either way, the plan for Saturday was to meet up with Chow, Andy, Mr. T and the Fire Prince to head on over to Century Club for their last Proofpositive promotion. Fire Prince ended up backing out because he had stay and work at the family restaurant, mostly because he's scared of his parents or something. We actually got a really early jump on the evening and ended up at the club way too early; we thought they still had the open bar for the first hour and were disappointed in our Bacchanalian pursuits. Oooh...I'm getting pretentious all of a sudden...so sorry. We actually, just hung out for an hour until people started showing up with included a bunch of other friends. When all was said and done, there were a good 12 of us there.

I'd say more about the club experience, but Chow insists that what happens at Century, stays at Century, so I'll leave it be at this point. I did end up getting drafted to drive home as Chow was destroyed and I'm the only other guy in the car that can drive a stick shift. Actually, that was pretty cool; I haven't driven a stick in a while and he has one of those new Subaru Imprezas which has some nice pick up. Not that I need it; I wasn't trying to get pulled over or anything. We ended up getting some food at yet another Chinese place as they are the only ones that are open at 4 in the morning. I don't think Chinese people actually go to sleep...or take vacations. We went over the events of the night and basically attempted to sober up. I have to say we all had a pretty damn good time.

Sunday morning, or shall I say, Sunday afternoon when I finally rolled out of bed, was not good times. Very, very bad times. I think I was still a little drunk. I spent the day drinking water and researching the web for the type of new camera I want to buy. Speaking of which, I've decided I'll be getting an S70 Canon; it's not much bigger than the one I have and it's about 10 times more powerful not to mention much cooler looking. On a note not related to my life in any way, the Iraqi elections occurred yesterday and it seems to have gone pretty well. 44 people were murdered by the pricks trying to bring back the Baathist government, but other than that, people in Iraq went out and made their voices heard. Hopefully this takes root enough that the media will forget about it like they did in Afghanistan and they can actually get something done. If the media would go back to telling us how incompetent the Chimp Bushitler is, maybe the Iraqi people can change the face of the Middle East. I wish them luck.

Farkin' Links Vol. 27 1/31

It's a new week, folks, and it looks like a new government for those people in Iraq. I'd like to wish them luck in having as inefficient a government as ours. So useless, in fact, that they leave the people alone to live their lives. Hope you had a nice weekend, but one of the signs of another work day is, of course, da links...


It was only a matter of time before they made a keyboard for those who can't type...I just want to know why it looks like a Fisher Price toy. I wonder if the box features Elmo?

This is just...sick and wrong...which is why I included it, of course. If you have a strong sensitivity towards cats, unlike my friend Paul the Cat-Slayer, be sure to avoid this link.

I know those Australians like to dress up in leather and spikes to take on Thunderdome and everything, but this is just unnecessary.

Alright! Juvenile is free from that frivilous lawsuit...free to back that azz up!

This commercial by Ikea is bold...it involves a toddler and a...well, just watch it.

Now THAT'S a landing! Watch this crazy bastard parachute under an overpass!

I'll let Uriel handle this intro,"If there was ever a time where you could shit your pants and people would understand..." If you're shooting a lion, you better kill it. (Hooah: Uriel)

Word of advice...keep your arms and especially head inside a moving car. (Hat tip: Tristan)

Here's another fun game. You can pretend you're a heroic fire fighter without any of the actual danger. Then again, you don't have to sit around a firehouse playing cards for 20 hours at a time, either. (Hooah: Uriel)

For the "Japanese people are crazy" link, I don't know how to read Japanese, so you tell me what the hell this thing is. It's either a head massager or it gives you a lobotomy and leaves a stupid smile on your face.

Here's yet another novelty t-shirt site with some funny shirts. I think my favorite is "My other ride is your Mom!" I'm gonna have to get that for Newjen.

I like this straightforward request from our friends down under. Maybe if we give them beer money, they'll stop dressing up like Wonder Woman...of course, then again, that might actually encourage that activity.

Well, I dunno about you, but these guys seem to make some sense. I mean, have you ever really SEEN the world? It's not round!

This is why the don't ask don't tell policy is in effect in the states.

Hmmm...well, I guess I'll decline any road trips Uriel will want to take when he comes back from the Army.

I can undestand this guy's rage...have you ever been behind someone in a fast food drive thru that seemed to read the entire menu backwards before even getting around to fumbling through their ever changing order? Those people need to die.

Wow...a judge with actual sense! News flash to immigrants...if you want to live here, it usually helps to learn English...you know, unless you live in downtown L.A.

Here's an article about how Robert DeNiro is undermining his brilliance as an actor in subpar work. I dunno what they're talking about; I thought he was great in Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Hehe...I want my labia pierced too. This is the result of making assumptions...

I feel bad for the tazmanian devils... I mean, who didn't like him in Looney Tunes, but this is far too much information.

Life is too short for traffic.
--Dan Bellack

Amen, brother. Amen. Shout it from the rooftops!

Work is back to normal; me pretending to work and them pretending to pay me. Seriously, though, now that billing and payroll is taken care of for the month, things have slowed down and we can kind of relax. I have another signing scheduled for today which puts my total up from the past couple of months...it's a sign the home market is improving and a certainty my wallet is improving with it.

After work, I headed back to the gym. My goal had been to get back into the shape I was in November when I was at my peak and I think I'm almost already there in only two weeks. All that crap about muscle memory is apparently true, thankfully. I want to get my body in peak condition, partly for basketball, but mostly because my big trip is coming up in under 2 months already. Yeah, yeah, tough life I live when I get to go on huge vacations twice a year. Still, I'm going into the actual third world and I do NOT want to end up dying over there due to some obscure disease that only affects red heads or something. The best way I can fight that is be in good physical condition so my body is ready to fight off all the weird new bacteria I'll be encountering in their food. Of course, Pepto is gonna come in handy, too. I ran into a couple of people at the gym, which was rather strange. I'm not very social when it comes to working out; I don't wanna know about your kids or how work was, I'm just here to exercise. Still, these were people I know outside of the gym so it was kind of strange that they would all be there at the same time. I thought people didn't start working out until March for the summer?

On my way back home, Chow left me a message to let me know that Fire Prince's family restaurant Red Tomato was officially open and to go try it out. He ended up heading over there with his family, so I met up with Jimmy and Andy instead. I have to admit, the food was actually really good. It's the home made specials of Fire Prince's mom, so I'm quite impressed. I wish my mom's food was half as good growing up. Instead, I get to have nightmares about being fed meatloaf that the dog wouldn't touch. I was really impressed with the sausage that was their specialty; I suppose it should be good since FP was stuck making it for the past 3 weekends. Poor guy; he had to take work off to help out his family in a business he wants no part of, yet, for some reason, he's the only one who could operate their cash register. That can't be good. Hopefully, they'll get it sorted out eventually. I wouldn't mind going back there.

To be honest, Jimmy and I finished eating before Andy even showed up, which is usual. That guy is going to be late to his own funeral, not that I wouldn't mind doing that as well. Still, he has to commute all the way to and from Westlake Village everyday, so I can't blame him for being late. He just broke up with his girl, so he's been basically up to do anything. It's rather funny; every email suggesting an activity is jumped upon by him now. "I'm in!" "Yeah, sounds good!" I don't blame him; you need to get back out on the market. Still, I can blame him for his poor taste in movies. If I have to hear about how good Underworld was again I'm gonna sock him in the face.

Afterwards, Jimmy didn't really want to go home, as usual, so he came over and we checked out one of my new anime shows called Samurai 7. It's on t.v. right now in Japan, so it's literally fresh off the oven, so to speak. They spent an enormous amount of money on the animation itself and it looks incredible, but they still managed to cut corners by having a recap every episode that seems to be as long as the new episode itself. It's utterly ridiculous, with samurais cutting giant space ships in half and shit like that, so it's quite a spectacle. The character designs were done by most likely the cracked out fiend that did the Fifth Element, so just watching what the characters are wearing is entertaining all on it's own. It's actually supposed to be a reimagining of Akira Kurosawa's The Seven Samurai, which I can vaguely see so far, but I don't think it's going to try and follow it too much. I mean, there weren't too many flying robots in Kurosawa's version. It's no Samurai Champloo, but it's pretty damn cool so far. I'll be sure to check out the rest.

Farkin' Links Vol. 26 1/28

Rain, rain, go away...oh, if you're in the Rowland Heights area, there is a new restaurant open there...Red Tomato? They make good sausage. Fire Prince can back me up on that.

Ah hah! Zee Germans have been caught in yet another conspiracy! Then again, it's just soccer, so who really cares?

Why can't our weatherman be this cool? I mean, drugs can't be that hard to get as a member of the media.

Oooohh...that's keen! It's only useful if you actually fold your clothes, though. I usually just toss them in the corner.

This isn't safe for work...but damn is it funny! Star Wars only wished it had cool scenes like this.

You know...asians do the strangest things in front of video cameras...

Wow...an m&m sorter that separates them by color. Why the hell would you build that? They all taste the same? O.K., fine, I guess if you want to hit a home run, you need all the green ones.

This is what the man who parked his Jeep on the tracks here in LA should have done...although, he shouldn't have jumped away.

I'm not sure how this game is supposed to relieve stress...it seemed to have the opposite effect on me.

You wanna see what Too Fast Too Furious really means? It involves a car and a light post...and an ambulance.

Stupid No Fun League...they won't even allow funny commercials about last year's wardrobe malfunction.

Wow...the Jewish religion really is strict. They don't even let you sing in the shower. I wonder how they feel about other things in the shower?

This is surprising. An Australian judge wants everything that could influence a juror on the internet deleted. The surprising part isn't that his idea is utterly foolish and backward, it's the fact that they actually have trials down there. Aren't they bunch of criminals? I thought it was like the Road Warrior down there.

Hehe...Singapore airlines decided to advertise their Tsunami low fare plane flights with a picture of people running from giant waves. Well, if you can't laugh about it, the ocean has already won.

Devout Baptist couple buy a movie that was mistakenly replaced with a porno. They're worried that children might make the same mistake...but I think they'll be safe. Nobody under the age of 50 is gonna buy a Doris Day movie.

Gee...so a culture that destroys marriage and discourages the responsibility of raising children combined with the lack of any moral instruction of religion leads to extinction? Who'd a thunk it?

Hmmm...maybe if Mike the hack rat had seen this advertisement, he wouldn't have had to suffer through the legal system. Then again, he wouldn't have gotten to do any public service announcements either, so who knows?

This was certainly a hate crime...I mean, they used Bud Light! The only beer worse than Budweiser...that's cruel. Look at the guy on the left, though...he looks pretty happy for being involved in a hate crime.

In the immortal words of Keanu Reeves...WHOA! This guy has more shoes than Jon Chua! I think...I mean, I haven't been over to his place in a while...

This is a pretty good prank...but I don't know that I'd like to prank my garbage man. It's like messing with your waiter, you never know what that'll lead to.

Looks like I just found Moody's new favorite magazine.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
--Mark Twain

...you can't argue with that logic.

Yesterday I completed payroll at my company and I must say it's in better shape than billing. Of course, considering billing is a clusterfuck of breathtaking proportions, it's sort of a back handed compliment. Like saying someone sings better than singing star William Hung. Anyways, it seems that my new project is to reorganize this whole system with almost no experience in doing anything of this sort. Sounds great. What could possibly go wrong? Well, considering Glenn threw this stuff together on his own, I'm sure that I can do just as poorly a job on my own.

After work, I had two signings which couldn't have been more opposite extremes. The first was with this Mexican fellow who had me meet him at the clothing factory he works at downtown. This place was one of those sweat shops in the factory district; dirty rat hole looking place, the unending droning of sewing machines in the background. I'd probably go insane working there. He spoke limited English, but enough to question every single document I brought with me. Smart guy, really. The fact he didn't do any of this before I showed up is what pissed me off; I'm not even supposed to give the guy any advice, but I had to sit there and hold his hand all the way through.

The second signing was in Altadena and involved a nice older lady who lived in a really clean, compact one story home with her big, fluffy dog that really likes to jump on guests. She just chatted about life, such as how she used to live in Hawaii and moved here for a better job, while we listened to classical music pumped through her Bose wave radio as the dog curled up under my feet and took a nap. I got back home just before the time I was ready to go to sleep, so I didn't even have time to do anything wasteful. All in all, a nice day.

Farkin' Links Vol. 25 1/27

You really need to check out the link that Uriel sent me...it's quite amazing. This guy makes Ron Artest look sane...well, kind of. O.K., probably not. Either way, Don't miss it.


Wow...talk about strange occurances. Who expects their car to catch fire while in a carwash?

Thieves are getting creative all of a sudden...yesterday it was laser pointers, today it's broken bottles.

Cool...this is just like that game telephone...with venereal diseases involved.

Hehe...this is a pretty funny link. Go ahead and guess the cup size. I'm sure you'll be surprised.

This is pretty fascinating...it's a list of how bands came up with their names. I really didn't need to know that about 10cc, though.

A group of 4 11 year olds try to hijack a bus to Nevada...probably because it's much harder to hijack a plane now.

Somebody actually wrote a scientific study of juggling. My personal favorite is the picture of Ancient Egyptians juggling...

A couple of elementary school kids were arrested for violent stick figure drawings. Nice to see our justice system hasn't overreacted or anything.

Hmmm...the silly ebay link of the day. A haunted wedding dress? Why does that sound like the plot to some weird Japanese porno?

Hehe...underwear out of a vending machine now? I think they already had that in Japan, only it was used panties. Yeah, those Japanese are sick.

In this revealing study, it seems that fat mothers tend to have fat children. Their next study is going to find out if water really is wet.

In this new study, they claim that gladiators really didn't fight to the death. I guess they just hurt each other with harsh language. "Are you not entertained?" Not if there's no blood, dammit!

Ted Turner compares Fox News popularity to Hitler not realizing that Hitler never even achieved a 40 percent vote total in any election. He must have gone to public school.

This is a fun game that is shameless product promotion. I feel violated.

Here's an interesting twist on a bowling game...although, after this I feel more dirty than violated.

One more game...this one with an annoying robot you have to throw. Too bad it doesn't crash and break into a hundred pieces. That would have been far more fun.

Wow...is all I can say about this dude. You have to get through all the nonsense he says, but wait until the end. Then you will see something you'd never expect. (Hat tip...err...make it a Hooah!: Uriel)

San Francisco is full of a bunch of pussies scared and stressed over Girl Scout Cookies. Actually, I just wanted to bring up the fact that Girl Scout cookies are back...mmmm....thin mints....

Politican gets heckled by his own mother...well, I would have probably heckled his name...hehe...weiner...

Yes! Today's "Japanese people are crazy" link manages to include weird criminal hold ups like the guy with the broken bottle AND monkeys. It really doesn't get any better than this.

Farkin' Links Vol. 24 1/26

Whew...I hate it when it rains in L.A. Everyone gets a case of the stupids on the freeway. Being I only have two choices to get into downtown, let's just say today I chose...poorly. On the way in I got to listen to news about the big three train derailment...it seems that it was all started by a cherokee parked on the rails. They're looking for the owner, of course, but if I was involved in this thing I'd be much more pissed at the driver of the train. I mean, it's not like he has to change lanes and shit, he just goes forward or stops. He can't take his eyes off his porno mag long enough to make sure there isn't a fucking JEEP sitting in front of the train?


What with crime skyrocketing in the U.K., it's nice to know they have their priorities in order; stopping the insanely dangerous crime of eating in your car. That's is, I am now forced to add a "British people are weird."

Let's see, you're not allowed to fired people due to being horrendously fat or living the risky life of a homosexual, but you can now fire people for smoking? I guess we also have our priorities in order here in the states. I smell a lawsuit! No, wait, that's smoke.

Here's a fun site...you can to decide what's the worst option in a series of terrible situations.

I can get on board with this boycott. Why the hell do we have to sit through a bunch of crappy commercials before movies anyways? Oh, right, the movie theatres need the money now that the industry forces them to pay outrageous fees to screen the films. But still...aren't 6 dollar nachos enough?

O.K...this guy so hates interacting with people that he invented a code that he would be able to type to order fast food from McDonald's without talking to anyone. I wonder if he lives in his parent's basement?

Well, these guys sure do like the hijinks...

Wow...this is just like that movie Final Destination; death will not be foiled. Tsunami or avalanche, which would you rather die in?

Hey Abe...support your people with a pizza! Just make sure it's kosher.

Have you ever wanted to make your own message on those candy hearts? Well, someone was bored enough to design a website for you to do it! Try the keep the dirty words to a minimum.

Holy dirt whore, Batman! What chick would want to wear this prom dress?

Hehe...here's yet another ebay story. I know you can buy basically anything on ebay, but this is a little ridiculous.

Here's an uplifting story about a porn king...no really...and I'm not even using innuendo when I use the word "uplifting."

Wow...Bloodninja is the greatest cyber sex maniac I've ever read. Although he has a strange obsession with Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Whoa...this flash game is pretty hard. It actually requires thought...

Other countries have a different concept of safety...such as how many people are allowed in one vehicle.

If you're like me, you have a hard time understanding rap lyrics. Luckily, a student in Oakland decided to translate some famous verses to get me started on really "getting it."

O.K. Here's a flash game much more my pace...it kind of reminds me of Kid Icarus back on the Nintendo.

Man robs a donut shop with a laser pointer. Maybe the employee just had eye surgery and was frightened it would get reversed...or she was a farkin' idiot.

Holy crap...they really WILL pay you for ad space on your forehead! Somebody forward this to Jack, quick!

Meet Ray. He's a psycho baddass...or not, depending on how you want him to act. This is my kind of choose your own adventure; the kind where you get to blow crap up. Don't miss out on the sequel to Ray as well.

Farkin' Links Vol. 23 1/25

Finally, I'm done with my work! Now I can screw around most of the day! Uhhh...don't tell my boss, o.k.? Anyways, that means you'll get the links early today.


I know I have a regular link about Japanese people, but shit, maybe I need one called "British people are weird." What part of getting slapped in the face and getting it recorded would lead you to call it happy slapper?

It's a good thing I don't attend school anymore, because I would have violated this program when it was announced? "A no-name calling week? What are you, retarded?"

Hmmm...another story about the differences between men and women. For those of you foolish enough to have believed that we're all the same, apparently science is finally catching up to common sense. On a related note, just because men can read maps better than women doesn't mean we don't get lost.

Yikes...here's another candidate for "Mother of the Year." Who the hell goes skydiving when they're 8 months pregnant? Most women can barely roll over at that point.

Man...what's with all these horny monks? First their hitting up prostitutes, now their impersonating husbands...I think they got into the wrong lifestyle.

Those wacky Europeans...I hope this license plate means something different in another language.

Here's an...interesting site on symbols and their meanings. I might come in handy...if you ever need to explain what the eye of Horus represents. I guess.

Here's a list of the top 50 movie deaths voted by...I dunno...some people I guess. The most disturbing death is listed at number 6; Bambi's mom. Such a sad, sad scene. I cried.

I think the headline is off...it actually should be This has to be Barney Gumble...not Homer. Still, that's impressive...those Euros can really drink.

Speaking of the Simpsons, this is good point to add my "Japanese people are crazy" link. That would be the fact that they eat the fugu, a blowfish that has enough poison in it to kill 30 people. Yeah, that's smart. Maybe they should take up smoking...oh wait, they already do.

Hehe...this is a pretty good commercial you might have seen on one of those cheesy world's best commercials shows that the stations play when they're being cheap.

I guess it's bad foreign commercials day. I'm still not sure what this guy is doing...but I definitely know what it looks like he's doing.

I didn't want to depress you even more yesterday, so I left this off. Those Brits...fun chaps, eh?

Wow...this is definitely the best flash game I've played in a while...too bad I had no time to play it today. Maybe tomorrow...

Jeez...the goofy ebay sales continue. This one is...well, I'd say it's not safe for work, but it's so stupid that it's probably o.k.

Have you ever wondered how tall you are compared to Andre the Giant? How about Adolph Hitler? Well, there's a lot of choices...have fun.

Damn...the Haj is getting more dangerous than a Great White concert. At least nobody got crushed under foot this time.

Female lawyer is fighting for the right for women to go topless. I think I speak for most people when I say, "You go, girl!"

Yet another sign that government is evil and must be stopped. You can't even shovel snow for a friend without getting fined and possible jail time. Viva La Revolucion!

...and just in case you were looking for a landcruiser/tank but wasn't sure where to find it...why, Amazon.com of course! It looks like Jabba the Hut designed it, but priced at 20,000 dollars, it's a steal!

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
--Woody Allen

That's easy...there's only 26 letters in the alphabet while there are an infinite number of...oh, it's a joke. Ha ha...funny...

Today I continued my learning how to do our company's billing and I must say, it was quite the eye opener. We go through about 2 million dollars a month and even though about 1.5 million is just cash advances for payment, we still have to account for all that money. The system we have set up doesn't even qualify as Jurassic...it's more like Paleozoic. Hell, I'm surprised our CFO isn't using an abacus at this point. He's still using Symphony, an old program from the eighties that barely functions on the new operating systems and combines it sloppily with the newer Windows Office in a way that is so Byzantine I'm surprised we haven't gone bankrupt yet. I really need to go through it once he's shown me exactly what the hell he's doing and figure out a way to get us caught up to at least the 90s at this point.

I headed for the gym after a very frustrating day of dealing with the ridiculous billing system and managed to not hurt myself. I've just started lifting weights again and I'm gonna take it nice and slow; no need to end it before I begin by knocking my back out of whack again. What I'm trying to do is get into better shape and health before I head off on my vacation in March; let's face it, Vietnam and Cambodia aren't known for their hygenic lifestyles...I'd like to come back from there with my liver still intact. I worked out the shoulders and the triceps which seemed to go o.k., then I rode the stationary bike for a half hour. I would have ran, but my legs are still sore from the basketball game yesterday. I have to say that the bikes they have at the gym are much cooler than a real bike; the seat is almost like a full car seat and you can almost lounge while you work out. It's certainly better on the crotch.

I'm going to read some more of the book that I've put off for so long now, Cryptonomicon. I'm about 350 pages in and it feels like it should have been about 50. This Neal Stephenson is a good writer, but Jesus, man, I don't need to know every little fucking detail! It's like he's getting paid by the word or something. Maybe he learned to write by reading Tom Clancy novels...

Farkin Links Vol. 22 1/24

So, the Patriots won yet again on their way to creating a new football dynasty. It was quite the ass whuppin', really. The best part is that my supervisor Tammy is a huge Steelers fan and was even wearing a Roethlisberger jersey on Friday, so basically everybody has been giving her crap. There's nothing quite as fun as rubbing in a sports loss...they really can't get that mad but for the victim it's about as fun as a root canal. Oh yes...the links...


Who knew keeping your mouth shut would cost so much money? Chris Rock should be worried about this judgment; it means that Pootie Tang's big musical hit was ripped off.

Here's a list of 100 annoying things of 2004. My favorites? "LINKIN PARK they donate $100,000 for Tsunami aid, but refuse a group suicide to perform an even greater good for the world," only to be outdone by "KOBE BRYANT normally a basketball player will get praise for his inside penetration, aggressive ball handling, and working above the rim. Just not when it's a part of the prosecutions rape case."

In a continuing attempt to be more like men, Aussie women are now using urinals...that's...just sick and wrong.

Wow...and this professor gets paid to research why women flash their breasts at a hockey game? How do I get on this research team?

I'm gonna have to agree with the Rolling Stone magazine here...advertising for dangerous books like the bible just isn't the type of thing they do. There's not nearly enough drug use in it.

Hehe...alright, this actually made me laugh out loud. I gotta say, I love both Jenna's, too.

Damn...being Sherlock Holmes is a lot harder than I thought...well, at least it gives you an excuse to do coke.

Screw that Dan Rather CBS scandal...this intrepid reporter has discovered something even more disturbing! Nickelback actually recycles songs!

Usually two women having sex together doesn't start a fight, but I guess her husband wanted more than a floor show. Oh well, he got greedy.

Hehe...stupid Norweigens...but they happen to be right in this case, the Bush family are totally metal heads. SATAN!!!

Yet another reason why soccer sucks...their refs have to entertain the audience by prancing around so they stay awake.

How many licks to the center of a lollipop? I dunno...but I have no problem watching her find out. This isn't technically unsafe for work...but you might want to be cautious.

Good lord...I wonder if this is what happened to Linh when she ate it on a bike?

This book predicting the future sounds pretty good...although it's about golf...the only sport more boring than soccer. Well...it's a toss up, really.

Whoa...this may be the worst thing I've ever seen sold on ebay...well, besides the Virgin Mary grill cheese sandwich, or the Elvis cup of water...actually, I guess it's not that bad.

Check out this nominee for "Mother of the Year." I think it's a runaway...how many mom's provide drugs AND sex? I mean, usually it's one or the other, right?

Are you ready to stand in line for months to watch the next shitty Star Wars movie, but don't know what to wear? I have the perfect solution...it also acts as a mask so nobody can identify what a total loser you are.

Hehe...JibJab has a new video for the second term of George Bush. Enjoy.

I always knew Pokemon was evil...EEEEEVIL!!!

...although Pokemon still has nothing on this...this frightening link. Only for those without heart conditions.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
--Fred Allen

Seriously...those bastards. If the Patriots win another friggin' championship, they're gonna get even more insufferable.

I haven't posted anything lately. No excuses...I'm just lazy. Anyways, I figured I should start again. I played in the first basketball game of the season in the Diamond Bar adult league and we basically got our asses kicked. It was close until the end, but then we let it get away from us. It didn't help I was playing like Big Ben Roethlisberger and started throwing the ball to the wrong team. I certainly didn't have my best game...as a matter of fact, I basically played like shit. Oh well, at least I can only go up from here. Speaking of which, we have a new player named Bihn who is a fairly talented player but more of a streetballer. What I mean by this is he hasn't gotten used to the idea of refs calling fouls intead of the usual "call your own" style on the playground. Because of this, he managed to foul out with about 14 minutes left in the game leaving us with only one bench player for substitute. As Stu Lance would say, "That's not gonna get it done." I have hope that we'll do much better next week as we'll get a bit more time to get used to each other.

I saw "In Good Company" this weekend and I have to say it was quite good. Topher Grace is really entertaining; he's got that amazing comedic timing that can make any line sound funny. He's a bit like Tom Hanks, although much skinnier. Maybe he'll fill out as he gets older. Also of note in this movie was Scarlett Johansson who I happen to like in pretty much everything I've seen her in. I'm really not sure why, as she's not that great an actress...she just has that incredibly unique look to her. Her performance in this particular movie isn't anything to write home about either, but she's completely believable as a young, college student who's trying to find herself. Probably wasn't much of a stretch, even if she is sort of a movie star. I wasn't all that impressed with the ending as it was rushed and somewhat cheesy, but despite that, it was a very enjoyable experience.

Farkin' Links Vol. 21 1/21

Friday is finally here. The only thing that would make it even better is if it were also payday...but I guess we can't get everything in life. Have a fun weekend...


This is taking that Billy Madison plot to the extreme...I'm still curious as to how an 84 year old man could possibly be a trouble maker in class. Shouldn't he be all crotchety by now?

For those of you who wanted to learn some useful sign language...here's how to talk to a deaf hooker.

Speaking of hookers, if you're gonna have one come to your work at the hospital and give her drugs, DO NOT record web cam pics of your acts and write dirty stories to accompany it with the company computer.

Here is an example of how not to dodge a right hook in a boxing ring. Of course, jumping up on the ropes like Superfly Snuka probably isn't gonna help either.

It's a me! Maaario! That's pretty creative...but I wouldn't hang it on my wall.

O.K, now this story is as funny...as a two dollar bill, I guess. Well, it's not as though the best and the brightest work at Taco Bell.

Here's a fun flash soccer game...in fact, much more fun than actually watching real soccer.

Wow...you can bid on Lando Calrissian on ebay! I wonder if it comes with a complentary 40 of Colt 45.

Poor guy hasn't slept in 20 years...he says he's tried everything to fall asleep...I say he tries watching some soccer. That usually works for me.

Holy crap! The evil empire is back! No, not Darth Vader or Tater or whatever the hell he is, I'm talking about...(cue evil music) Joe Stalin!!!

Normally, this would go in the "Japanese people are crazy" file, but Winnie the Pooh is cool.

Remember the girl with the fist in her mouth? I know I do! Anyways, Hardees has made this whole thing a running ad campaign...which may be the best campaign since Jack in the Box.

Wow...I think we're gonna need another box of legos. That's an impressive building...God would be flattered. (hat tip: Abe)

What do you get for a man who has everything? Well, if I'm ever in that category, don't even think of sending me this crap. Carcass art? Who the hell would come up with that?

This could have been a really entertaining story if they hadn't put a picture of the two women being charged with rape. Yikes...no wonder they needed more persuasive methods.

Huh...transvestite cuttlefish? God really does have a sense of humor. In their case though, they're using it just to get close to women...like Juwana Mann, I guess.

Would like to play the most frustrating flash game of all time? This is harder than riding an ACTUAL unicycle.

What is it with the hooker stories, today? Prostitutes in Antwerp are complaining about their district being too well lit. Well, most women do look much better in the dark...but that doesn't say much for the quality of prostitutes there. Maybe they should start handing out free beer.

Oooohhhh...hell hath no fury as a woman scorned. This isn't nearly as bad as Lorena Bobbitt, so if I were this guy I'd just let it go.

Cuba now has a fat dancing group. I suppose in a country with a shortage of everything including food, that has to be quite an accomplishment to be fat.

Farkin' Links Vol. 20 1/20

Well, I guess I survived despite my co-worker's dire predictions. Nothing remotely interesting even occurred yesterday. In fact, the only dangerous person to show up in the office yesterday was Melanie's crazy ass. Oh yeah, the links...


Here's a man who combines Rocky with Tom Green...I'll give him props for boldness at least. (hat tip: Vicky)

This is a cool little trick this car does...although it would have been much cooler had it involved a flame thrower. I really need one of those...

Ouch...Greg Louganis he's not. Diving, anyways...he could be gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Cool...Germany now has a tropical paradise. I'm sure it's only the first step towards world domination...but still, I'd go.

I'm not sure what the obsession with Lindsey Lohan is...oh right, the breasts. Well, this has nothing to do with that.

If you're still bummed out about the election and wanted to move to Canada, it looks like you can bribe your way in with pizza. It is the world's most perfect food.

Damn...they really do get better t.v. over there in Europe. Celebrity wrestling? Victoria Silverstedt sure as hell beats Karl Malone and Jay Leno.

I was gonna just let this one go, but it's too damn funny...and a perfect demonstration of evolution in action. "Watch to see what I can still do," famous last words if I've ever heard them. (hat tip: Tristan)

Damn...now THAT'S how you fight crime! It's Death Race 2000 and he's worth at least 25 points!

Holy crap! You can't slap people on the butt anymore in Italy...or you get a longer prison sentence than if you rob a liquor store.

Well...fuck! Hey, if they can say it repeatedly, I surely can type it.

Hmmm...Angelina Jolie, sex goddess? I've always thought crazy bitch, but hey, I guess she can be both. She does have a great quote,"Meeting a man in a hotel room for a few hours, and then going back and putting my son to bed and not seeing that man again for a few months is about what I can handle now."

Apparently, women really are like cats...they need to be stroked. Us guys need to be stroked too, but in a completely different way.

In the immortal words of Keanu Reeves...Whoa! I want this camera!

Ummm...I think this video clip cured me of the need to go base jumping...

Hehe...learn to pole dance at home with this kit! That's a home education I can get on board with.

This guy's hero must be Michael Jackson. I hope they keep him away from children.

Drinking water on airplanes is getting worse...for who exactly? Who the hell goes into the bathroom and gets a drink? Get a coke, for god's sake!

Mr. Potato head gets a new version dressed as Darth Vader, or "Darth Tater." Heh...maybe they should have just used him instead of Hayden Christensen, he'd probably do a better job.

Farkin' Links Vol. 19 1/19

Well, no flat tires today...so far so good. This may be my last post...because something terrible is supposed to happen at the office today. Melanie had a premonition that some people with guns are going to come in here and turn it into a charnel house...of course, she's been convinced she's going to win the lottery for the past 6 years, so her track record ain't so hot. Then again, a stopped clock is right twice a day, she's gotta be due. Anyways, here's da links.


Wow...I found one of my all time favorite clips today! Meet Pinky, the most loving cat in the world!

You wonder why those talking head anchors get paid the big bucks? I don't either, but they have an incredible amount of concentration...completely unflappable.

I always knew my mom was full of crap. I'm much healthier for NOT having made my bed!

Here's an interesting collection of strange newspaper personal ads. None of them have anything on the Fire Prince's poetry, though.

This site sells movie wardrobe and props...my favorite? Tattoo's shirt! De plane! De plane!

This is the perfect game to take out your frustrations on. Just change Chuck's name to someone more annoying...like Ashlee Simpson.

Ahhh...an even better game. Play the slapper game without the all the pain.

Hehe...this guy is looking better than the real Britney now...which is not a good thing.

How are you with trick questions? Make sure you read each one carefully before coming up with an answer.

Well, this guy learned the hard way never to piss off a man using heavy machinery.

You know, making obnoxious comments for articles and pictures isn't all that easy. Do you think you can do better? Give it a try.

Poor Sylvester Stallone...he's reduced to reprising his only other hit movie, Rambo even while he's eligible for social security. Well, at least he's not making another Rocky.

Hmmm...some people think Shakespeare was the Earl of Oxford, some say John Donne, some even say Bacon,(Sir Francis, not Kevin) but now the truth is out...he was a Catholic!

Hehe...Harvard president backs up Talking Barbie and says that women just aren't good at math and science.

In case you thought Canadians were all bright, friendly and fun to be around, eh, it turns out they too can get violent...but only when hockey is involved.

Wow...Fark calls this one spot on...Fast-food employees shocked when man with samurai sword crawls through drive-through window to rob them. There can be only one!

Cool, this sounds like Newjen's next fireworks show this 4th of July!

Muslims are upset over a a Polish magazine with a topless woman wearing a burka as it's insulting to Islam...still no word on what they think about people blowing up women and children.

Hmmm...it seems that Harvard is so full of dorks that they actually had to hire a fun czar to get them to, have fun, I guess. Hopefully he can get them to stop holding up signs that say WE SUCK.

I remember when Kramer said he "faked it" on Seinfeld it was a punchline...but apparently guys in England really ARE repressed.

Farkin' Links Vol. 18 1/18


What do you think the odds are of getting a flat tire two weeks in a row are? I should probably go play the lottery except that it seems due to some karma fluke I'm stuck on bad right now. It's probably due to that homeless drifter I killed to sell his organs. Oh well...anyways, here are the links.


Wow...that Japanese Tsunami hot dog eatin' dude needs to look out for this chick. He's got competition. Most impressive.

Motivational speaker might not be allowed back to speak at Jr. High School after telling girls that they could make up to 250,000 dollars as strippers. Hey...it beats living in a van, down by the river.

I've had a really big bug go splat on my windshield before...but this, this is a little worse.

Looks like Scooby Doo and the gang solved the case of the haunted Austrian Castle. I would have guessed it was old man Withers.

This man has been married more times than Jennifer Lopez! Or Tony Nguyen's dad!

I've seen Ben do this before...but when a woman does it, it's much more...impressive...among other things.

I guess crime really doesn't pay...plus you need to brush your teeth a whole lot afterwards.

Even though it's in another language, it's still kind of fun to test your geography skills. But seriously...who the hell knows where Kiew is? That must be Kiev...stupid Europeans.

What's my age again? Huh...I guess I'm 26.

This guy has some advice on how to pick up women...not that any of them are useful...but they are funny.

For the Star Wars geeks out there...yes, I know who you are; this is a pretty funny comic about what would happen if Han Solo went on trial for shooting Greedo.

The top german fashion designer was murdered, which is quite sad but...hehe...hehehe...look at this guy's picture. How could anybody shoot this guy? I wouldn't be able to hold the gun straight from the laughing convultions.

I must have missed this booth at CES...I'm pretty sure I would have remembered it.

Not quite as funny as asian people rapping...but hey, karaoke is karaoke. These chicks are FAR too into it.

Hmmm...I guess this is a good reason to get a GPS system in my car.

Ouch.

Have you ever wanted to know what exactly happens in an autopsy but didn't want to sit through Faces of Death? You're in luck.

Rule number 52 in commiting a robbery...don't show your I.D. to the victim. They have a habit of remembering your name when the authorities come around.

For our "Japanese people are crazy" link of the day...well, I guess they're on the right track on this one, but their subway system is gonna smell funny after an earthquake.

...and I thought our Diamond Bar league basketball team was low scoring...we usually crack double digits, though.

Farkin' Links Vol. 17 1/14


It's Friday...whoopee. Meh...here are the links.


Yeah, I'd be embarassed if my parents were Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman too...but only because I'd be a good foot taller than my dad and people would talk.

I think this would be a good way to liven up the airport once in a while...especially after having to sit around for 4 hours this past week. What are they gonna play instead? Bollywood movies?

Not actually safe for work...but I love foreign commercials. Only they could do a hair style commercial and include pubic hair.

Are you bored with your average, white teeth? Would like to instantly gain more street cred? Would like to be able to cut through glass with your mouth? Look no further!

Beauty AND kung fu. Now wonder Jeff Garcia dumped this other broad. He's probably hoping she goes to jail, because as George Costanza found, conjugal visit sex is much better.

Haha...that loveable little scamp! Wearing a Nazi armband...who would be offended by that?

Damn that Patriot Act!!! Can we not even tell lawyer jokes anymore?

Yikes...if you didn't totally hate where Star Wars has gone so far...maybe you should watch this Christmas Special. I'd heard legends about it, but...in the immortal words of Keanu Reeves...Whoa!

Hehe...here's a good link for Marlon to practice his kareoke skillz with the perfect music.

This looks like one of my brother's essays...that's probably why he's joining the airforce. Still, it's funny as hell.

In the usual "Japanese people are crazy" link, we find that Japanese woman are bored of the less than chivalrous attitude of their men and are going off to Austria to act like a princess. What they need is a vacation for anime fanboys to travel to Japan and hang out with Japanese schoolgirls...now THAT would make some money.

Oh great...as if the day wasn't short enough, now we're losing time due to these damn earthquakes.

This is really sad...but still, this is why we do the women and children first rule.

On the lighter side of news...an Amish boy was electrocuted by a fallen powerline that tangled into his buggy...hehe, shocking, isn't it? You can run from civilization, but you can't hide!

Help these monkeys dive into the wave...or not. I like aiming for the rocks, myself. They're not as cool as the diving penguin.

...and the death of personal responsibility continues at the rapid pace it's been traveling. 23 years old hardly qualifies as a child...unless it's Jack. Jack will have a childlike quality forever.

In case you don't have enough things to worry about...let's start worrying about cell phones! I'm sure they'll kill me...very, very slowly...kind of like smoking. If only people would stick to healthy activities, like base jumping.

Truly a noble effort by this teacher, but seriously, what kid nowadays CAN'T find porn on the internet? It's like not finding water in the ocean.

I dunno...Tristan doesn't look any thinner to me. I doubt this extra sleeping will really lead to weight loss.

I guess the Klan is trying to make up for all the lynchings and wasted bed sheets by adopting a highway. Why wouldn't you want a stretch of road named after the Ku Klux Klan? Oh...right...

...and for the LINK OF THE WEEK!!! Does anybody remember the Sushi Pants Story about the guy with the breathalyzer? Well, it turns out this guy has his own website...I'm really ashamed I never found this site until recently, but let's start with his story about his appearance on MTV.

Farkin' Links Vol. 16 1/13


I was standing in line today and this girl was talking to her boyfriend about getting custody of her child from her baby's daddy's momma...when I turned around I was shocked to find out she was a white chick. She wasn't aping a black inner city dialogue, she was living it. Funny how people's voices vary rarely match what they look like. Ummm...I guess that's my thought for the day...or something. On with the links.


Just in case you were feeling adequate in intelligence...look at this 13 year old little shit getting a 1600 on his SAT's.

Wow...I'm not sure how this ad will encourage people to learn english...still, now that song is going to be stuck in my head all day.

Whoops...I guess this is like getting caught telling your parents you'll be at your friend's house but got caught at a party with alcohol...only much, much worse.

Oh my god! If ever I heard a reason to not get a woman drunk, this is it! Poor guy isn't half the man he used to be.

Hmmm...I thought I was having a bad day until I read about this guy. Now I feel much better...thank god for schadenfreude.

Hehe...this story killed me. German sanitary workers accidentally incinerated a public sculpture because they thought it was garbarge...well, one man's trash is another man's treasure.

I guess I can take Florida off my vacation list. They not only have a 36 inch rule about strippers coming near you, but they have faces that absolutely require that rule. Yikes...I wouldn't even want to be in the same room with these walking veneral diseases.

This is a pretty funny video of what happens when airlifts go wrong. Expect to see this on Fox any day now, sometime after Who's your Daddy.

Did you ever wonder what happened to all that luggage that goes uncollected? Well, apparently they sell it to the highest bidder.

If you were looking for a way to eliminate those thong straps to disappear while you're wearing low cut jeans,(Yes, I'm talking to you, Alex) but don't want to go commando...go antipanti!

This is an interesting article about what happens to your emails when you die. I hope they don't go to my parents...along with my porno collection. I better donate it in my will to needy teenagers.

I'm not exactly sure this is safe for work...because this guy takes some weird ass pictures. Worth checking out, though.

Here's a collection of embarassing sexual moments in story form...hehe...there are some funny ass stories here.

They're installing gunshot-detection devices in various places in Chicago...which would very much encourage me to get the hell out of Chicago. Hey Carol...maybe if you'd stop getting drunk and shooting off your guns on the roof of your place, they wouldn't have to resort to this.

Why, oh why would you steal a girl's prosethic arm? I doubt she killed your wife.

Hehe...I guess if you have an infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of typewriters...one of them will accidentally type fuckme.

This game of throwing a ball of paper into a wastebasket is almost as fun as a real ball of paper being thrown into a wastebasket.

Hehe...oh, those wacky Romanians. They'll arrest anyone, even babies.

See...European women are worldly. They understand the value of their sexuality...it apparently starts at about 320 dollars.

...and for the last link, it might as well be a "Japanese people are crazy" one. Japanese scientists are building soccer playing robots and expect to be able to beat humans by 2050. I guess the Japanese team is so shitty they need a leg up on the competition.

Farkin' Links Vol. 15 1/12

Whew...I've really been working hard for the m...hey, wait a minute, I don't make enough money to work hard here! Oh well, at least I got to see the oddest sight out front of the Compton courthouse today; no, it wasn't a shoot out. That would be normal. It was a chihuahua wearing a fur lined coat sitting in a car waiting for her? owner. I realize they made sweaters for dogs...but coats? It's got fur! How freakin' cold is it going to get! Ahem...on with the links...


Awww...what a cute doggie. This is one of the reasons I don't have pets. Well, that and they'd most likely die of neglect.

I saw this feel better about failing...all these things were magnificent failures. Without it, we wouldn't have had silly putty!

In the "Japanese people are crazy" link of the day, I wouldn't exactly say they're crazy, just perverted and weird with their use of cameras. O.K., fine, they're crazy.

Hmmm...I guess it's not only the Japanese that lost their marbles. India Daily reports that China and India have discovered an alien UFO base...

A balding girl got ripped off on ebay while trying to buy a wig. She's really distraught about her hair loss...enough so that she had them take pictures of her and put them in the article.

Yikes...this Ramones roadie has been carrying around used dental floss from the band? Those guys weren't known for their clean living ways...but hey, there's always ebay.

According to a British survey, unmarried men love their cats...really LOVE their cats. I'm really not surprised. It's obviously the only pussy they're going home to.

Hehe...now HERE'S a Columbia House club I can get on board with. I wonder what the paperwork questionaire on your preferences for selection of the month is on this one?

It seems we're all becoming "life incompetents" by neglecting our home ec training in school. Luckily for Paul, he was a leading proponent of FHA(Future Home Makers of America), so he'll be fine. Me? I'll just get the mashed potatoes from KFC, thank you very much.

Ooohhhh...the horror! If you want to see horrific car accidents, look no further.

Funny...I've used at least half of these 40 things you'd like to say at work...although it's usually,"Do I look like a fucking people person?" There's just not enough profanity laced into these comments.

Awwww...these two kids met over a message in a bottle across the English Channel and now they've been married for 27 years. That's a freakin' Hallmark story if I've ever heard one.

Hehe...A 10 year old girl gets denied by the government the right to set up a lemonade shop to raise money for the Tsunami victims. I guess she didn't bribe the right politicians.

Hey Abe...did you get yourself a McShuarma when you were in Israel?

Remember that dork who's waiting out front of a theater for the next Star Wars movie? Surprise, surprise, he has a blog. Why don't you drop him a line of encouragement...or mocking insults, whatever floats your boat.

Ummm...definitely not safe for work, but it's an interesting concentration test for men.

Asian people rapping...does it get much funnier than that? Of course, asian cross dressing is a bit more scary...

Soccer is still dorky, but this guy puts on a show! It's a hell of a lot better than that Tiger Woods bouncing ball commercial.

Wow...Gallagher isn't very funny in this interview. Of course, if I was Gallagher, I'd be pretty pissed off too.

...and last, but certainly not least, a woman mistakes super glue for her eye drops. Ummm...whoops.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
--Groucho Marx

I guess I'm just in a silly mood today.

Actually, I've had a pretty busy day and haven't really had time for frivolity. Well, as much as I'm used to, anyways. I got a little upset in my car while listening to Medved while he was discussing an interesting subject about religious groups giving aid to tsunami victims. It seems that they're handing out religious messages in the form of gospels and copies of the bible and CAIR as well as other groups are upset about it. This is just yet another episode of people being overly sensitive about everything; this Jewis woman calls up and complains about how she hates when people come up to her to try and talk about Jesus and how it offends her. How fucking sensitive do you have to be to get offended by Jesus? That guy didn't do anything to you; where does the animosity towards Christianity come from? I'm not a practicing Christian, a practicing anything except perhaps drunkard, yet I don't get upset when people talk to me about things they're passionate about...well, unless it's something like child porn or something. These overly sensitive people are always talking about the first amendment and free speech, yet they hate that the religious seem to keep talking about all that "Jesus stuff." Things seem to be changing, finally, but this is just another example of something we all need to be aware of. Just because you don't like something doesn't mean you have to take it personally; the world doesn't actually revolve around you. Just chill, please.

Farkin' Links Vol. 14 1/11


Damn...they expected me to actually do some work today, therefore the links are late. I'd apologize about it, but since it's free, you get what you pay for. If you haven't donated to the Red Cross or WorldVision yet for Tsunami relief, you should really consider it. For anyone who played Oregon Trail back in elementary school, Cholera can kill...Speaking of which, I was listening to a radio show today and it seems that people are complaining about religious groups who are on the ground and giving Tsunami aid are giving out religious gospels and bibles. What do you think? I can't see anyone getting that upset...even if you don't read it, at least you can use it for firewood. Oh yeah, the links. Check out the one at the bottom...priceless.


Wow...these are some exotic urinals. I just wouldn't like to pee like that right in front of a window...even if it's 30 stories high.

Have you ever wondered what a DeLorean would like like with monster truck wheels? Yeah, neither did I, but some Yahoo went and did it anyways.

This is why I love the Weekly World News...when they're not telling an engrossing story about a Bat-boy or an Alien campaigning for Ross Perot, they have informative articles like this...1 in 10 drivers you pass on the road is naked from the waist down.

A woman is suing Gene Simmons from KISS because a rockumentary made her look like a slut. She might not be a slut, but she must be a total retard as she says in court papers, they were in what she believed was "an exclusive, monogamous, romantic relationship." Riiiiiight...because Rock and Roll stars never sleep around.

...and in another shocking turn of events, a former child star pleads guilty to driving under the influence. She should look up her tv brother Kirk Cameron and find Jesus.

This article has the shock all wrong...there's nothing shocking about a no name British actor getting the lead male role in a sequel to Basic Instinct...it's the fact that they would make a sequel and keep Sharon Stone. She's what, 50 now? I think her instincts lean more towards getting that early bird special at Denny's and playing bridge.

Staying with the movie motif, it's good to know that Paris Hilton decided to make a sequel to her break out...or should I say smash hit. Yet another sex tape...hopefully with better special effects and dialogue.

I just had to add this great pic of Paris...it's quite bold and risque. She's playing with...well, just check it.

On the usual "Japanese people are crazy" link, we have wacky Japanese people starting an underground farm system using hydroponics. Hopefully, it's just for medicinal use.

This link is for Moody...and no, there are no drugs involved...for once. If you really want to drive in Germany, I guess you better study up on the Autobahn.

This is definitely not safe for work...but this V-flex exercise unit...well, I'll just let you check it. The V stands for something, and it ain't virginity.

This should really help out stalkers. Hey, I really CAN see my house from here!

If you ever want to live in the mountains like a paranoid crazyman like the unibomber but do it in style, check this house out. It's for sale.

Something tells me a racing outhouse has as much chance catching on in the mainstream as that goofy segway. Still, anything that shoots flames is cool in my book.

I could have used this Luck School before I went to Vegas...but then, after paying for the school, I probably would have been broke. Actually, I had plenty of luck in Vegas...it was just all bad luck.

I also could have used one of these wheel/tire combos that require no air pressure when I had a flat last week. Of course, they might want to change the name...Tweel? That's just tewwible.

In case you thought the Amish were just harmless badly dressed folks who speak funny and churn butter...well, that's almost true.

Gee...I wonder why Alan Keyes can't win an election. Especially with quality speeches like this.

Holy Crap! This is the best reason to never go kayaking I can think of. Well, other than looking like a complete tool when you're in one.

Wow...this has to be the link of the day. Must see animation! Even better than Afghanistanimation.

Farkin' Links Vol. 13 1/10

Vegas would be much more fun if it didn't involve losing lots of money. Maybe I should stick to the Circus-Circus carnival games. I hope the rest of you had a good weekend...and can someone tell me how the hell the Jets beat the Chargers! Ahem...on with the links.


Britney wants to turn her husband into a rapper? How is she going to find time to manage another career and be a crime investigator? How has she not gotten a reality show yet?

Rule number #271 in commiting a robbery, DO NOT return to the scene of the crime and ask for directions. They're generally not in a helpful mood.

Just in case you haven't learned like this guy...fire is hot.

In case you thought that link I sent out to create a tin foil hat to avoid alien mind control devices was too difficult to make...try this aluminum foil deflector beanie. It's much more stylish.

These guys need a new project...why would you spend your time making logos float?

Hehe...I don't know how many times I've had to do something like this. Personally, I think you should have to pass a test in order to use a computer. It should be like driving, a priviledge, not a right.

Here's a jackass that was arrested crashing his car moments after a judge ordered him not to drive...not exactly a great story, but you just gotta see the man's picture. Gold teeth are fly!

I dunno...if the Empire State building's antenna was broken, I'd just let it go. Maybe get a directv dish or something.

I'm gonna have to try this with Chih Hao one of these days when he's in a crazy drunken stupor. Let's go shoppin'!

Wow...this guy apparently lives beyond Thunderdome somewhere. I'm really going to have to look into these flamethrower attachments to the car...beats the hell out of new rims.

Alright...who thinks that taking an old, smelly shirt and turning it into a pair of underwear is a good idea? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Yikes...this site exposes federal agents and informants to everyone on the web. Luckily, they don't condone violence against them, so obviously that'll keep the criminals from doing anything.

Here's an artist who makes portraits with used chewing gum. He states he has a team of gum chewers so he doesn't have to do it himself...so basically he plays with other people's used gum. Talk about sacrificing for you art.

Holy Cow! This is the greatest idea for a cafe I've ever seen! Cereality just serves all types of cereal with unique toppings. That beats the hell out of boba shops.

In this game you need to keep a little bird from being crushed by an elephant...or not, it's much funnier when you fail.

Damn...that's the worst car accident I've ever seen. Usually, cars don't burst into flames when they crash.

Here's a fairly helpful list of rules to follow when you go to the gym...and I think I've only broken about 8 of them. Of course, the first 3 rules are a little unfair, really.

Here's a helpful list on how to argue with a woman. Of course, it doesn't have any advice on how to pay for your hospital bills once you use these tactics.

Well, it's not exactly Beauty and the Beast, but it is 5000 year old animation from Iran. Don't say I never said anything nice about Iran, although I prefer Afghanistanimation.

Aaron Carter was almost killed by a burning mattress under his SUV...well, I guess my flat tire the other day could have been much worse.

What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure.
--Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

Well...I guess that sums up this blogging effort pretty well, wouldn't ya say?

Viva, Las Vegas! Yes, I said, Viva, Las Vegas! In fact, Viva...VIVA...LAS VEGAS!!! As soon as I'm out of this office I'm on my way to losing my ass in Sin City... We have playoff games to bet on, a CES show to see and even a porn convention that a certain friend of mine is very familiar with. That, combined with the fact that I just booked my trip for Vietnam today and the fact that it's Friday has me in such high spirits, even the rainy weather can't bring me down! There's also a Monet exhibit from the Boston museum at Bellagio I want to see as I've been attempting to expand my artistic horizons lately. I did even manage to drag Newjen along to LACMA to see an impressionist exhibit where the main piece was "Luncheon at the Boating Party" by Renoir. It was quite lovely and much larger than I ever expected. Usually those impressionists were pussies compared to the manly, wall smothering art of the Flemish painters...then again, the impressionists actually did all their own painting. Anyways, I figure I'll leave this post with a joke that Glenn S. sent to me...It actually made me laugh out loud.

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite
sex positions.

One of them said, "I reckon I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount
her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each breast in
your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your
sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

Farkin' Links Vol. 12 1/7

Hello folks...Friday is here again! Although, truthfully, it means it's only 3 more days until Monday. I hate Mondays. At least I'll be able to console my aching soul with a weekend in Vegas! So long suckers! I mean, I hope you have a wonderful weekend.


I know they say everything is big in Texas...but who knew about the giant statue motif going on in Australia?

Here's a man who is suing Fear Factor for grossing him out with a rat eating episode. Does this mean I can sue Method and Redman for the pain and suffering they inflicted on me with their terrible show?

Speaking of horrible t.v. that I'm considering suing for...Here's the Jan Brady to Jessica Simpson's Marsha, Marsha Marsha!

While we're on the subject of stupid lawsuits...here's a woman suing Este Lauder for selling fradulent anti-aging cream. Because, you know, they don't actually turn your birth back 2 years...or something. Remember when there used to be personal responsibility?

There's wow...then there's wowzers...then there is this site about freaks. I'm gonna have to come up with a better adjective.

Hmmm...I wonder if Betty knows about this. I didn't know Andy was already married to a cartoon character.

Here's an interesting article about shopping...yeah, it must have been a slow newsday, but I'm gonna have to practice some triangular balance of my own.

A satanic rocker could get up to 9 years in jail for drinking some other guy's blood. What's real interesting about this story is the rocker's name is <>. I didn't know you could add stuff like that to your name. I wonder...{Adam}. Naw...forget it.

Whoa...here's a joke list of the 10 worst album covers of all time. I got to say...Let Me Touch Him is one of the most disturbing covers I've ever seen. It's like NAMBLA got together to make a musical group. Unfortunately for my buddy David...he's now officially Devastatin' Dave, the Turntable Slave.

I'm not sure if this is Pimp my Hummer or White Trash-up my Hummer.

Hmmm...car vs. skateboard...not quite fair. The skateboard got a head start.

Scientists: Volcano Could Swamp U.S. with Mega-Tsunami...right after we get hit by a giant asteroid and conquered by Aliens.

Holy crap...William Hung refuses to go away...well, maybe he could be the next Jackie Chan.

Whoops...whenever you decide impersonate a police officer...try not to pull over a real police officer; they won't think it's very funny.

Well, at least we know that Bill Gates isn't keeping quality operating systems hidden from us. It appears his version of Windows sucks just as much as ours.

Kate Beckinsale has given away her pet rabbit to the cleaning lady because he couldn't stop humping the food bowl. I love this justification,"Also, he was boring and, other than masturbate, he didn't do anything." Hehe...that sounds like Jack.

Great...the Star Wars nuts are already going into overdrive 22 weeks before the sure to be sucky Episode 3 comes out. At least they'll all be in one place...easier to round up and destroy.

Wow! This is the best "Japanese people are crazy" link of ALL TIME! Hiroshi Yamauchi still hasn't accepted that they lost WWII. The best quote of the article,"Hey Ballmer, why don't you suck my tiny, yellow balls?" There's no way this article can be real...

Damn coppers! Why do they have to pull a power trip when a man is just trying to get to the hospital? He did have a nail in his thigh...I'd cut him some slack.

Hey, age is just a number. How can you charge someone with sexual assault when the "kid" involved is 16? Just terrible. On a similar subject, maybe I should take up volleyball.