Farkin' Links Vol. 184

As you noticed, these links aren't always going to be a daily occurrence. Sometimes I actually have...well, work and stuff, so I'm unable to do it. But, hey, it's free, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

This weekend was full of far too much physical activity for someone my advanced age. I played tennis, not that I really know how, but I apparently did alright for someone with about 2 weeks of experience 10 years ago. It was quite fun; plus, any activity that causes my wrist and forearm to get exercise gets a thumbs up from me. Surprisingly, our basketball team was victorious in our first playoff game against the number 2 seed. I guess we're just a calm, playoff experienced team who doesn't get bothered by having a 1-6 record. We don't need the confidence of actually winning to do well in a playoff game. My favorite moment was when Newjen finally decided to grace our team with a shot on goal and actually hit a three. He rations his shot attempts like Elaine Benes rations her sponge...which is odd, because when we play on the blacktop, I can't get him to STOP shooting.

On another subject, I watched the most fascinating documentary movie over the past two nights, Grizzly Man. Some of you may have heard of subject, Timothy Treadwell. He is the crazy bastard that lived with grizzly bears in Alaska for months at a time for 13 years until they finally got fed up and ate him. Well, him and his girlfriend. Either way, Treadwell would bring a video camera the last couple of years to film himself and his bears. This footage was crafted into this fascinating study by zee German director Werner Herzog. I've never really watched any of Herzog's movies since they're obviously crappy foreign films, but maybe I've been missing out. He was able to put together a film based on this obvoius lunatic and transform him into a troubled, tragic, hero. I really can't describe how completely insane this Treadwell fella is. He truly loved these wild animals and wanted to be one. I kind of wanted to be a tiger once...of course, I was 4 years old. I sort of grew out of it. Still, this film is almost like watching a traffic accident; you wanna look away, but you can't. Fleshed out with interviews by his friends and associates who appear just as bizarre as he was, and comically narrated by the director Herzog himself. At first, it feels like an SNL skit; imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger narrating a National Geographic special, and that's about what Herzog sounds like. Yet, after a while, he begins to grow on you as his actual passion for the subject overshadows his limited English ability. It's a marvelous movie and I highly recommend it. I give it a 9/10, or as Tristan would prefer, an A.


...and now we dance. Youtube.com is the new sliced bread...or Tivo. Tivo was way better than sliced bread.

Uh oh...the fish are evolving and growing human like teeth. I'm going to have to stop dumping all my radioactive waste in the water supply.

Hmmm...does this mean I don't have to feel bad about having a blow up woman? I'm scared too.

It looks like I really missed out at that ComicCon. I could have seen enough people and items to mock for at least two, three years.

Heh...The Hoff claims he doesn't drink anymore...I claim he doesn't drink any less, either. I saw him on that America's got Talent show. He wasn't high on life.

This is just wrong...even more wrong than Star Wars Monopoly. How can you go cashless in a Monopoly game? How can you taunt your family members with cold hard blue, yellow, and red cash?

Ooooookay. Well, I guess they managed to make shaving a beaver not exactly dirty. But still...

These super high res pics are always pretty cool. Check out Sydney by night...but forget looking into people's rooms to see some nudity. I already checked. Nada.

This isn't making marriage look any more palatable.

Awww...this dog reminds me of my old dog VJ. He wouldn't stop humping everything in sight either.

Farkin' Links Vol. 183

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
-Marquis de la Grange

That about sums up my managing skills, even if it's from a Frenchie...well, he was sort of an Italian. Hmmm...the two teams that made the World Cup. This is a sign. I better check my Nostradamus writings...


You'd think I'd get tired of watching people get kicked in the face...but you'd be wrong.

This is cute. See what your name looks like in heiroglyphics. I have a medallion from the last time I was in Egypt with my name on it. It looks like they didn't spell my name wrong...that or it's just a big conspiracy to make us foreigners look stupid.

So...who wants to be a tattoo artist? I certainly don't...and after playing this game, I want it even less.

The strangest part about this sumo wrestler getting suspended for slapping is...well, just go ahead and look at the guy.

Whenever someone gives you a hard time about drinking, go ahead and spout a couple of these facts. See...it's actually un-American to not drink! Damn sober commies...

This is what being in Europe is like...bunch of fakers. Well, at least it's nice to know their civilization is slowly crumbling from their low birthrate.

This is somewhat disturbing; although it won't be the first prison beauty pagent I've heard of. I guess it appeals to the George Costanza in every guy; having a girlfriend in jail means they always look forward to seeing you and can't check up on what you're doing.

I don't usually like those bizarre fashion shows and their crazy outfits nobody would wear outside of a runway...but I think I can be persuaded to support this look. Might not be safe for work.

Wow...underwater bubble rings...that's pretty talented. Not in a make any money on it, but I guess everyone has to have a hobby.

Looks like Michael Jackson will be moving to Holland. I do so hate the Dutch. Austin Powers' dad was right on; they're bastards.

Farkin' Links Vol. 182

This weekend I managed to get some rest; which means I mostly sat around on my butt and watched movies. On Saturday, Alex decided to inflict...I mean, screen one of the new Asian action movies he picked up at the Anime Expo from last week. He had quite a selection; a Chinese action crime movie with a really old looking Sammo Hung, a Japanese action sci-fi adventure-drama called Casshern, and a Korean action sci-fi adventure-drama called Natural City. Personally, I was looking forward to a Cambodian action sci-fi adventure-comedy-drama starring midget wrestlers and Ernie Reyes...but no such luck. After reading the summaries on the back, seeing that Natural City was called Korea's answer to the Matrix, my choice was obvious. Unfortunately, I think they meant Korea's answer to the Matrix 3...which, of course, never happened. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN! Sort of like those rumors of a Godfather 3, or Rocky 5.

Natural City takes place in 2080, after a huge war has destroyed much of the world, there exists several high tech cities for the rich and cyborgs to do their bidding. Actually, it's basically Blade Runner...only it makes far less sense, which is quite a feat in itself. The main character named R (I guess he's taking that Brazilian tradition of one name to a whole new level and just going with a letter in the alphabet) is a super cop who hunts down rogue cyborgs, but he's in love with a cyborg that's about to expire. Apparently, the cyborgs only last for 3 years and then they break down...I guess they're built by American car companies. Anyways, he's trying to keep her alive by doing shady deals with generic street criminals and mad scientists. It would have been a good movie, had I liked or even empathized with any of the characters, understood the rules of the world, or had a plot that wasn't completely hackneyed and predictable. Still, it's fun watching supposedly well trained SWAT type soldiers getting as close as possible to unarmed super strong robots in order to be torn to pieces and repeatedly kicked in the head instead of shooting them from a distance. I think there was a good movie somewhere here, but it got lost in translation. In fact, I think you should go rent Lost in Translation and Blade Runner instead of watching this movie. I'll give it a 5/10, or as Tristan would have it, a C.

I also managed to take in the big blockbuster of the summer so far, Pirates of the Caribbean 2. I remember going into the first one wondering why the hell I just spent 8 bucks on a movie based on a Disneyland ride starring the personality free Orlando Bloom. I also remember walking out thinking that Captain Jack Sparrow is one of the most entertaining and memorable characters in movie history and feeling my 8 bucks had been well spent. Still, I didn't think, "Hey, this movie totally needs a sequel! There are so many questions left unanswered. In fact, I don't think one sequel will really do it...it needs to be a trilogy!" But, what do I know? The critics hadn't been particularly kind to this movie, but there was no way I was passing up another chance to see Captain Jack in action...even if it was a complete failure. I have to say that, like the first one, I was very pleasantly surprised. They didn't just make the exact same movie over again like many sequels; this one actually picks up where the last one left off and continues in some strange directions. It's full of all types of plot twists and action scenes galore which keep you entertained for the duration of an inflated running time. I still can't figure out why Orlando Bloom keeps getting employed; the guy has not one ounce of charm, toughness, or coolness that you would expect from a leading man. The fact that he has a more femine face than his love interest, Keira "man-jaw" Knightley, doesn't really put much in his positive column either. Still, I had a great time watching this movie, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't entirely the couple of glasses of wine I had at dinner right before...It seems like the critics were falling all over themselves to cry exhaustion from all the meaningless action. Umm...right. Because I usually like lots of boring exposition and heady dialogue in my action movies. God forbid there's actual sword fights and barroom brawls in a Pirate movie. If you go into this movie looking for Ingmar Bergman's the Seventh Seal, you're gonna be disappointed. Otherwise, it's stupid fun. Oh yeah, Captain Jack is as funny as I remember...and then some. I give it an 8/10, or in Tristan speak, an A-.

Incidentally, watching the trailers before the actual trailers, which is a new feature at the movies, we saw an add for some Stephen King miniseries on TNT called Nightmares and Dreamscapes. Not a surprise, since the guy has written, what, 10,000 books? What was funny was their selling pitch,"From the man who brought you the Green Mile, the Shawshank Redemption, and the Shining..." Oh really? You're selling me on a horror mini by telling me that it was written by a guy who brought me two prison dramas and a 30 year old Jack Nicholson movie? Couldn't they have at least used horror movies, like Carrie, or Misery? I understand there was no reason to tell us "from the man who brought you the Lawnmower Man, Thinner, and Maximum Overdrive!" Still, odd choices. I'm sure market research showed these to be the best, and TNT does know drama.

Hey! How did Moody end up in a Price is Right episode? I thought Newjen was the one winning chimneas?

The cat with two heads! Looks like the Aquabats' biggest fear is a reality!

I guess Jean-Claude Van Damme likes women just as much as the next guy...

For the "Japanese people are crazy" link, we have a really cool Mousetrap like Domino gameshow where they utilize everything, and I mean EVERYTHING into the mix. I just wanna know why these hosts are wearing tuxedos.

How much would you pay to have tea with Nelson Mandela? I'm thinking...2...maybe 3 bucks. But only if he pays for his own tea.

This kid is a fishing cyborg! It's only a matter of time before it morphs into a rocket launcher and he goes looking for Sarah Conner.

In case anybody is thinking of getting Abe an early Hannuka present(or is it chanukah?), this might come in handy.

Hmmm...well, when someone asks what he did for his summer vacation, he has a pretty interesting story.

This is a fun mini game, Bowman 2. You get to practice your geometry by trying to shoot an opponent in the head with an arrow. For some reason, I kept hitting his other head. You know that's gotta hurt. Some ads might be NSFW.

See, this is why my family stopped playing Monopoly. Boardgames always end in tears...and sometimes blood.

Farkin' Links Vol. 181

Some of you know that Jack has been working at AnimeExpo for several years now...for free. Even though he is always desperate for money and hasn't held a normal job since the Pizza Man gig back in high school. Why does he put in long hours for free? Is it his love for Anime?(He hasn't watched a cartoon in probably 5 years.) Nope, I think it's the free t-shirts. This year, he got even more. They gave out some free dvds and he ended up with a copy of Daredevil, Elektra, and the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen(Gee...those wonderful movies were available? Who'da thunk it?) Anyways, I guess this is just my way of setting up the fact that I actually sat through one of them the other night.

I wanted to watch Daredevil since I've never seen it and I always thought the character was so ridiculous; he's a blind crime fighter who is a defense lawyer in real life. Basically, he gets criminals out of jail so he can kill them when they get home, all while dressed in red spandex. Besides, it's starring Ben Affleck attempting to act blind, so I know it's gonna be highest of high un-intentional comedy. Well, Jack had already seen it, so he talked me into watching Elektra instead. My argument was that I figured I would be lost, what with watching a quasi-sequel to a movie I've never seen. Much like watching Star Wars Episode IV before episodes I-III...and then my argument completely fell apart. He then offered up a much better reason; Elektra is supposed to be so horrible, that after watching it, Daredevil should be a much more entertaining feature. With that, the decision was made.

Now, I won't say Elektra is the worst movie I've ever seen; and that's about all I'll say that's good about it. Basically, the movie, starring Jennifer Garner as a ninja*snicker*, is about a chick ninja/go go dancer fighting a collection of mystical ninjas from a super secret ninja organization called the Hand(who hide their super secret organization within a giant sky scraper with a pagoda styled top...nope, no one's gonna find that place). Incidentally, the super secret Hand apparently conducts board meetings with guys in suits; even the ninjas have gone corporate! I understand this Garner chick was popular in that show Alias...and I really don't see the appeal. She looks like she weighs about 90 pounds and gave up calories for her last two New Year's resolutions. I just don't see this concentration camp survivor beating up super powered beings.

Anyways, Elektra is supposed to be assassinating someone or something...and then changes her mind...and blah blah blah...lots of badly edited fighting and ridulous crap...You know what? It's really not even worth discussing. They have a couple of neat characters, like this ninja who's tattoos come to life and act as his animal familiars...but then they get dispatched so quickly as almost an afterthought that I didn't even have a chance to form a real opinion about them. There is also the fact that all the good ninjas are white people and all the evil ninjas are either Asian or black, I wonder how they even got this past the political correctness police? First of all, exactly how many white ninjas can there possibly be? Who's training them? Is there a mail away Ninja training home schooling program? Ever since American Ninja, I just can't take white people running around dressed in black hoods throwing ninjas stars very seriously. Throw in the fact that the title ninja is a wanna be stripper wearing a red bustier and high heel boots, I kept waiting for Randy West to show up as a pizza man so they could all start having sex. Frankly, that would have been a much more entertaining movie. I'm giving it a 3 out of 10, or in the wonderful world of Tristan reviews, a D.

I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost.-Frank Bruno, Boxer


This Zidane headbutt truly is the gift that keeps on giving. I haven't seen this much effort to ridcule something since Darth Vader's famous last words in Star Wars III.

This guy had way too much time on his hands to put together this "cheat sheet" for all 255 levels of Pac-man. Of course, I'm going to be practicing out all night.

I guess it's just the season for insano aerobics clips. This one involves this creepy, Bjork looking chick and a bunch of poodles...well, you just need to watch it. (Hat tip: Mimi)

Hehe...imagine that? Coors gets arrested for drunken driving. If Alanis were still alive, that would totally be ironic. I wonder why he didn't use the excuse, "I was just coming back from work...and I always bring the scent with me."

It's called extreme climbing...like most extreme labels, it's extremely stupid and an exreme waste of time, but that's what you're hear for.

For a game called Nudist Trampolining...this sure comes up short in the sexy department...and in the nude department. But that's a good thing here.

Hehe...these are some truly bad writing excepts; bad like waking up next to Pamela Anderson and realizing you forgot a condom.

Chicken lays an "Allah" egg...I wonder how long it will take for Goldenpalace.com to purchase it.

Nice...here are 10 cars that I will only be able to drive if I turn to a life of crime...or marry a Hilton.

Wow...these chicks discovered that elusive 1002nd use for Superglue! I have to say, it beats the hell out of sticking your hardhat to a girder.

Russian President Putin has weighed in with an opinion on the possible threat of Cthulu...sometimes, I can't make up stories weirder than what I find on the internet. Oh yeah, he also talks about sex he can't remember and giant robots. I...have nothing to add.

Farkin' Links Vol. 180

Well, Abraham has some great timing. Now that there is a full blown war going on in the country he's immigrating to, I wonder if he just has bad luck. I know my dad has always assumed the devil was following him wherever he traveled. When he went to Holland, a month later a dike broke and drowned 56 people. When he had a business meeting in Oklahoma City on the 19th of April,1995, he moved it up a day out of pure luck...considering he was in a building across the street from the Murrah Federal building. He also had to take a quick flight down to Florida to catch a cruise, so he got the cheapest flight from an Airline soon to be famous for all the wrong reasons, Value Jet. I wouldn't say don't travel with him...just don't go anywhere after he's been there.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
-Groucho Marx

Zizou is the awesomest Frenchman of all time...which really isn't saying a whole lot. Still, I love the 6 hit combo on this page...be sure to check out the fun headbutting game as well.

This is taking lazy to a whole new level. I never want to sit in another bean bag for as long as I live. NSFW

This new shock absorbing bra website seems to be marketing itself to the horny male teenager market. Still, at least I can watch a stimulation...er...simulation of G sized breasts bouncing over and over again without feeling guilty...I mean, it's science, right?

Damn...Wisconsin better let Moses' people go before he brings on the frogs and the locusts.

In case you weren't convinced you could find anything on the internet...here's an entire page devoted to cats that look like Hitler. No, really. I couldn't make this crap up.

This is why obituaries try to stay away from stark honesty. It's just too damn depressing.

I'm not sure what's sadder; that some dork spent the hours required to develop specific rules to have sex in a role playing game...or that I used to actually play this particular role playing game. Actually, I should be sad that these rules weren't around then...NSFW

Maybe this guy should have just played this GURPS roleplaying game instead of this much more real one. It beats playing with your new boyfriend Bubba in a dark cell.

Damn...I hope I'm having this much fun when I'm 70. Well, maybe not quite that much fun...

Hehe...for the "Japanese people are crazy" link, we have this educational cartoon. It's not quite a GI Joe PSA, but it gets bonus points for being acted out with giant tigers...or something. (Hat tip: Tristan)

Farkin' Links Vol. 179

In case you needed some visual proof; Bo Jackson is the greatest video game character of all time

Whoops...I pity all of you with children.

I guess Ryu from Street Fighter needed some tougher opponents to practice his martial arts on. I wish he'd start with that smart ass dog who always laughs at me...Damn you Duck Hunt dog! Damn you and your smarmy snicker to hell!

This looks like a job for Cal-Tech graduate...so Ben, go ahead and build a trebuchet when you have the time and tell us how it works. You might want to also include a definition for the word trebuchet.

I remember this game in the arcade...it looked a little better then. Still, I love any game that gives you bonus points for head shots.

Uh oh...it looks like those aliens really are an advanced race! They're making three dimensional crop circles! Now if they can only figure out how not to die when sprayed with water...

This is a nice return of the "Japanese people are crazy" links. Combining learning English and cheesy aerobics is something only they could do. You would think that was the goofiest part...just wait until you see what they're learning to say.(Hat tip: Tristan)

Say what you want...but this is one cool mom. I like how they tied it into yet another teacher doing the sex education tutoring on the side. I was just born to soon...

Hmmm...I've had some bad mornings, but never quite this bad.

Wowzers...I'm not sure how I missed this game back when I was a kid, but if there was ever a way to persuade me to want to play golf, the only thing better than monkeys would be...Ninjas!

Farkin' Links Vol. 178

I had to fire someone yesterday, which really put a damper on my day...but probably not as much as on her day. Contrary to popular belief, I do not enjoy firing people. Usually...I mean, there was that one psycho lady in Bakersfield who brought her boyfriend to pick up some of her junk who then threatened to "kick my *ss" for the honor of his lady. Being threatened with physical violence by Larry the Cable Guy relieved me of any sympathy for this particular foolio. In this case, it wasn't nearly as bad. The lady knew she was going to get the axe because she'd been warned plenty of times about picking up her data entry pace and about all the mistakes she had made. If anything, we waited too long; I mean, we had to turn her desk towards her supervisor so she wouldn't keep logging into Myspace.com. By the way...does anybody out there know how to use Quickbooks? Converting our company's records is really starting to harsh my mellow. I barely have time for this...

So THAT'S why Dell computers are so cheap. They need the money for the lawsuits...

I guess these things going boom is just a trend this month. It was the 4th of July. Hey Ben, were you down in Florida this past weekend?

It's a fairly famous clip, but you gotta love it when a ref gets knocked the f*ck out. I can think of several refs during this last World Cup that deserved a couple of these. Actually, they just need some Zidane super head butt specials...

Wowzers...that's one dangerous Super Soaker. This is utterly dangerous and stupid, so either he's a dumb hick who's wiffed too much paint thinner, or he's from Cal Tech.

Here's a big list of all the world's religions...my god, there's 4-6 million worshippers of Cao Dai? The religion where Victor Hugo is one of the chosen saints? Normally I don't like to question people's faith, but, what the hell is wrong with you!

Hmmm...so halitosis is caused by the devil. Thanks Bill Nye, Science guy!

Yep, this sure sounds like the Turkey I know. Why wouldn't you let these guys into the EU? Still, I love how the guy shot his gun in the air and he hit a guy in the foot...not exactly William Tell, is he?

This is a fun little shooter. You just blow crap up...that's about it...that and it's 10 times better than Abe's Turbo Grafix games.

Speaking of mini games...learn what's like to try and park on the wrong side of the road with this one from the UK. I can't park in this country, so I surrenderd faster than a French legion.

Wow...I didn't see any mention of this at the Heineken experience. This is the type of thing that would get me to want to help a third world nation...I could drink at least two cases for the cause.

Farkin' Links Vol. 177

I hope y'all had a nice weekend. Mine was rather busy, although one positive was that our basketball team finally won a game. I was beginning to worry that wasn't ever going to happen again. We blew the one before in the most ridiculous ways; With us being up 7 points with less than two minutes, I think we turned the ball over about 6 times to let them tie it up and send us into overtime. Which we then failed again to keep a lead and ended up going into double overtime. At this point, the refs were just bored and so they made it the first team to 5 points; keeping with our strategy to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, we went up 4 points to zero and managed to still lose. The other team had a ringer and he pulled a Dr. J move by throwing the ball off the rim, getting the rebound and putting it back in...it was quite the stomach punch of a game.

This past weekend, however, we managed to get a decent lead and not toss the ball 5 times into the stands. It's definitely an improvement and it also means we're not going to finish in last. How is it, with one win, are we able to avoid that? Well, the team we beat also only had one win, so we get the tie breaker. Yeah...well, we obviously both stink, but at least there's a team that's worse than we are. Sorry, Jon...don't mean to clown your team or anything. Or, right...links or some such nonsense...


Good News: Castlevania is gonna be a movie! Whips and chains are in again...not that they were really ever out.

Jessica Biel is quite hot...but not only is she box office death, she throws like a girl.

I dunno what scary *ss animal picture books this guy had as a kid, but that's the screwiest looking horse I've ever seen.

Oh...sweet mother Mary...I'm not sure whether to pray for this guy's heart or make myself a bowl of bacon cereal...mmmm....bacon....

I wonder if Abe will be able to get in on some of this Wife-Swap when he gets to Israel. This chick certainly wouldn't have to worry about Abe's work-a-holic tendencies...unless you count time spent playing TurboGrafix as work.

There's nothing like foreign prank shows. Eventually, they'll get enough lawyers to put an end to the fun.

I wonder how come Monica hasn't forced me to play any of these great board games? It would sure beat the hell out of Cranium.

This is one hell of a graduation prank about Mike Hawk. I wonder why my sister didn't try something like this...oh wait, scratch that. She's totally not allowed to do any of that.

Speaking of pranks...these guys have way too much time on their hands.

It's not a purse! It's a European carry-all!

Farkin' Links Vol. 176

So, I'm going for two days in a row. Not bad, although it'll take me some time to get used to sending out useless e-mails again. I'm sorry that I didn't make any mention of Newjen's big fireworks extravaganza this past 4th of July. It lived up to the previous shows and even better, nobody got burned, arrested or killed. Since this was the 3rd annual final show, I guess I have to say that I'll miss it next year...of course, considering it was the 3rd annual, I guess you never know. I'd venture to guess he'll be blowing crap up sooner than anybody thinks.

I'm attending a wake and a funeral the next couple of days for a co-worker. I didn't know the man very well, but it's still shocking to be talking to someone one day and finding out that they're dead all of a sudden. You know; it makes you question your own mortality...unless you're an immortal like myself. I just have to look out for sword wielding rivals. At least he went out nice and quick; he giving a private Tae Kwon Do lesson when he developed a blood clot in his lung and just died before anybody could react. He did lead a full life, but I doubt that's any consolation for his family. Anyways, on to other more ridiculous things.

It warms my heart to know that we have such intelligent and technologically informed senators running things in Washington. This genius is also the guy behind that bridge to nowhere in Alaska. He's over 70, so don't miss out on his brilliance before it's too late.

Hehe...stupid lion.

Jeez...who knew Eddie Griffin belonged on the Trail Blazers? Things are already looking bad for Garnett and his Timberwolves and the season hasn't even started yet.

These are some crazy ass chairs. My personal favorite is the tank chair. Sorry Abe, there is a Nintendo controller chair, but not the Turbo Grafix one...it must have just missed the list.

This kind of reminds me of last year's roman candle wars...except that this guy must have lost a really big bet.

Oh boy...somebody needs to actually put Sean Penn in a movie so he'll stop doing stupid publicity stunts. A rolling hunger strike? I think that's the definition of style over substance.

This guy is one hell of an Etch-a-Sketch artist. The best I could do was draw a really crappy circle before I tossed it across the room in frustration and started playing Nintendo again.

This may seem harsh...but really, soccer must be stopped at all costs! It's even infiltrating this country like some virus...

So...despite all the soccer fans showing up in Germany for the World Cup, the prostitution business didn't increase at all. I'd make a crack about soccer fans having no balls, but really, I blame the oh so sweet beer that Germany is famous for. Unless you're traveling with Rush Limbaugh, you're probably not rising to the occasion after a liter of beer.

Sofia Loren is posing nude for a calendar? Well, I guess she is pretty hot for a 72 year old woman. I'd hit it...after about 6 of those German beers I discussed previously.

Farkin' Links Vol. 175

Well, I guess I'm back...sort of. It's been a while since I sent out these time wasters. The reason is simply that I didn't have the time to waste. I think I've gotten things at the office in order now so I can continue to send out mass emails that nobody reads. I want to start this one off with several comments about a movie that I was unfortunate enough to sit through last week; Rent.

Now, I know all about the 525,600 minutes and crap that goes with the fairly clever and catchy soundtrack; mostly because my friend Alex forced me to listen to the damn thing about three times on the way to and from Vegas once. I did enjoy some of the songs, but with Alex’s convoluted and completely insane telling of the plot and characters, I figured he must be on something, that I should remain calm and hope he doesn't drive us off a cliff. When the movie version of this musical finally came out, I figured it was the perfect time to check out why this show was so popular. I'm still looking...The show is basically a retelling of Puccini's opera La Boheme set in New York's East Village. Of course, that means absolutely nothing to most of you…you’re probably thinking Puccini is a kind of pasta you get at the Spaghetti Factory. Of course, who really cares about opera anyways? It’s full of fat chicks singing in Italian; I’d rather drink Drano…or worse, sit through a MLS soccer match. Anyways, it substitutes the disease of consumption for AIDS and instead of the characters being a bunch of useless artisans, they play a bunch of homosexual, useless artisans. Basically, there are 8 major players: Roger, an HIV positive, recovering heroin addict who wants to be Jon Bon Jovi but just isn’t tough looking enough; Mark, his supposed comic relief roomie filmmaker; Tom, their other roomie who’s a black, gay, philosophy teacher(or is that African-American, gay…or should it be Gay, African-Amer…screw it, I really can’t keep track of which minority gets top billing anymore) also with AIDS; Maureen, one of those ridiculous urban poets who you see at coffee shops reading bad poetry, who also is a converted lesbian; Benny, the landlord who used to be a roommate to these bunch of losers but managed to become useful to society, so obviously he’s one of the more villainous characters; Angel, a transvestite escapee from that Stomp show, also with AIDS; Mimi, a drug addict stripper with AIDS; and Joanne, the black, lesbian lawyer(or should it be lesbian, African-American…)who somehow doesn’t have AIDS. I’d ruin the plot for all of you, especially Tristan, but I’m not sure there really is one.

The most obnoxious character for me in this pointless, depressing story was one of the only straight, non diseased characters in the show; Mark, a wannabe filmmaker who has no money for food, but apparently has enough to keep buying film for his crank operated camera. He’s the stereotypical nebbish Jew that manages to come off as the most gay in the show; in a show with lesbians and transvestites, it’s quite an accomplishment. He seems to be the stand in for the creator of this show, Jonathan Larson, who also was Jewish and was basically a starving composer living in the Village in New York. It seems he lost a lot of friends to AIDS and much of this show is autobiographical. Talk about a depressing life; what’s even more depressing is that the show opened right after he died and became a big hit. If Alanis Morrisette were still alive, she’d tell us how ironic that is.

So, we have a pointless movie about a bunch of losers interacting with each other in New York, while they sing songs at inappropriate times. Normally, I enjoy when people start singing for absolutely no reason, but the songs were getting in the way of who the hell everyone was and overshadowing anything like character development, emotion, or anything that would have kept me paying attention. I give it a 3/10; it gets 4 points for the music and a -1 for everything else. For Tristan’s grading method, this is a D. Go download the soundtrack instead.


I figure I should start this puppy off with a bang. Check out David Hasselhoff's completely awesome video "Jump in my car." This guy has taken cheese to uncharted levels. I really need to get that shirt...

This guy wasn't going that much faster than the speed racers on the Autobahn in Germany, but I guess an accident is inevitable when you combine Asians with driving. Wow...it only took me two links to throw out my first ethnic slur; I've still got it!

I actually think either of my names would work well as a Brazilian soccer player as they both end in O, plus I'm really good at falling and grabbing my face whenever anybody brushes past me...but I'm sure some of you would like to give this Brazilian name generator a go.

These are supposedly the worst Family Feud answers ever. Still, some of them, like the things that annoy a gardener seem rather logical.

Wow...them Dukes of Hazzard county sure get around, don't they?

You know, if Captain Planet had been this cool when it was on, I might actually recycle. More blood, less of that wanna be Care Bear Indian kid.

This is an interesting blog that shows pictures of the weird things people sell at yard sales. I really want to get the wax candle shaped like Lenin for Moody...it'll go great with his pinko-commie Che Guevara shirt.

Just when you thought monkeys couldn't get any cooler...meet Banno, the violent alcoholic monkey!

In case you didn't understand just how completely, utterly insane the English are as far as soccer is concerned...well, check out some of these photoshops on the appropriately named site, ihateronaldo.com

Hmmm...here's some advice on how to treat a lady. I'm not so sure it's very good advice...but the only way to find out is to give it a try!