Farkin' Links Vol. 154 9/27

Wow...what a busy week this has been...and it's only Wednesday. Pho-k. Let's see; I had a signing in a crappy neighborhood the other night yet again. You can tell the neighborhood sucks
when people get out of their cars and threaten other drivers with a baseball bat. Seriously, who carries around a bat in their passenger seat? I can guarantee he wasn't in a softball league. I mentioned during the signing that I was going to get a bite to eat and the man I was assisting helpfully suggested several places to eat. The one he sold me on was named the Gold Ox; he told me it was the best pastrami sandwich I could get. I had asked," Like the Hat?" He replied,"Sure, only it's better." That had me sold, so I rolled on over. When I ordered the special, the guy behind the counter whipped out the bun. It wasn't particularly impressive and I was beginning to think the man had been exaggerating until pastrami began to be piled onto the bread. He kept putting more and more pastrami until it completely dwarfed the bun, then he added some more. By the time he was done with it, I was caught between excitement and fear. It looked like it was going to be great, but it also looked like it was going to give me a heart attack right then and there. With a soda, a towering pile of fries, and enough mustard to take a bath in, the only thing it was missing was a defibrillator. A better idea of how impressive it was is that I actually went out to my car and grabbed my camera just so I could take a picture. I'll be sure to post it at some point.

"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed."
--Sean O'Casey


That wasn't very nice...but it sure was funny.

Gay penguin goes straight...Pat Robertson must be happy to hear that.

Boy, I'm glad the ACLU is here to protect us from common sense.

Damn...dogs are freakin' stupid.

Well, I only agree with this decision by the school if both of these lesbians parents were ugly.

What a bunch of sick freaks!

That's a pretty cool trick...but probably not what you want to be doing in the middle of a race.

That's a pretty disgusting drink...it reminds me of something Paul did back in high school. Of course, nobody actually drank it.

For the "Japanese people are crazy" link, we have a new Ronald McDonald...I know I hate clowns, but it's because they don't look like this.

This girl must have been on something special to do that to her hair. Whatever it was, I don't want any of it.

I, for one, salute this club's efforts. Makes me wanna go to New Orleans.

Wow...that's just...wow...

That's pretty impressive...but not as impressive as that guy who used to defy phsyics when parking his VW bug.

...and I thought I had nothing to do at work...

The Simpsons predicted it; we're so screwed. The smartest animals on the planet are going to destroy us all.

Farkin' Links Vol. 153 9/26

I hope you all had a nice weekend...mine was pretty good, although my liver would probably object. All I can say about my birthday is that Soju is the devil's brew and is completely evil. Drink it at your own peril. Just ask Jack...or Fire Prince...or Jerry...or Marlon...

After waking up from a nap on Sunday, I realized that my basketball game was going to start in 10 minutes. Shaking the cobwebs from my head and grabbing my gear, I made it to the game with only a minute expired in the game...unfortunately, I noticed there were only 4 players from my team on the court. It seemed that I was number 5, so we had to go ironman and play the whole game with no subs. I thought many unmentionable phrases in my head as we were expecting to have seven bodies there this weekend. Instead, we were screwed. The one good thing about this game is that we were playing what is probably the second crappiest team in the league, besides B's team from last week. Fortune has smiled upon our schedule by letting us play the stinky teams while we're still missing our two best players. I'm not exactly sure how we pulled a victory out in this game, but it happened. I think the best way to put it is that the slightly less crappy team won. People would have been changing the channel to watch I Love Lucy had they watched this ugly game, but at least we came away with another win in the column.

"Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony."
--Robert Benchley


Damn...I was so ready to buy this team jersey and send it to Uriel in Iraq. That would have been the greatest gift ever.

Wow, that's one powerful hurricane. I just don't know if it was the drink or the wind and rain kind.

Whoa...this guy really needs to either change his name, or his profession. Dr. Dick Chopp? Not good...not good at all.

This is what pacifism brings you...a good, old fashioned, ass whuppin'. Ads not safe for work.

Hehe, the power of LEGO! This one's for Moody...and no, I don't think you can buy him in a head shop.

Awww...it's a touching sports story about a dying boy's last wish...how the heck did this get in my links?

Ooooohhhh...I think he ripped his sac. Ads not safe for work.

This is an interesting read; as opposed to listing the "best" or the "worst" albums of the 90s, this is the least essential. I don't know why he was so hard of MC Skat Kat though...

I guess these bikers thought they were on Harley's or something. Still, take that, copper!

That's...an interesting wedding dress. She looks like Shera, Princess of Power.

This is good to note for my trip to Germany next year. By then, the cops will not be able to catch me. They've probably watched one too many Dukes of Hazzard episodes.

Compared to other countries, our politicians are just plain boring. Hopefully, it stays that way.

That's one thin building...the Chinese are even weird in other countries.

Stone skimming's a sport? I suppose it's right up there with Rock, Paper, Scissors, Magic: The Gathering tournaments, and women's basketball.

I think this is a case of, "You break it, you bought it." Well, my first car wasn't in much better condition anyways.

This is a case of political correctness going too far. I don't have a problem with people with handicaps playing sports...but I'm pretty sure you need legs to be useful on a football field.

Farkin' Links Vol. 152 9/23

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy BIRTHDAY TO...uh oh...I better stop before I get charged with royalties. I just can't get into that Happy happy birthday song they use at restaurants now. Anyways, I've survived another year, which is pretty good. Especially considering some of the strange trips I've taken over the past couple of years; I don't have that amazing healing factor that my brother has(I'm not sure that he's human...he's gotten sick once in the past 12 years). I've gotten sick in every country I've visited, yet I keep going back for more. I must be a subconscious masochist or something. I hope you guys have a good weekend and go ahead and enjoy my links.

Oh yeah, I also finally got around to finishing my album from my trip to Charleston. Now, you can see it without actually having to go there! Believe me, you'll thank me later.

"Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong."
--Dandemis


Sometimes I'm sad that I wasn't able to play football in high school...then I see something like this and feel much better I'm able to walk.

I take back all the things I've said about Jessica Biel movies...I'm definitely going to go see London...at least twice.

Oh wow...I know EXACTLY what I want as my Halloween costume this year.

Gee, I guess Halloween really is just around the corner. I'm so jealous of the kids who got to dress up as Rubik's cube. I'm sorry, I mean the kids who got to beat the crap out of the kids dressed as Rubik's cube.

That's the second biggest Gameboy I've ever seen...what's up, Tristan? How have you not sent me a video game link like this? You're slipping, man...

This is a very in depth examination of the differences between the American and Japanese Mario Bros. 3...by a guy who's probably living in his parents' basement.

Hey Alex, when did you get a basement room to house all your toys? The amazing part is he's married.

I love netflix and all, but there are just some things that you shouldn't rent. Not safe for work.

This guy needs to prioritze a little better.

Poor Henry Earl is in jail again. Since when is getting drunk a crime?

I usually don't like that guerilla art, but this is really damn clever. I know I'd have a field day with these thought bubbles.

I've heard of glow in the dark condoms...but this, this is ridiculous.

I'm not sure what to make of this, but hey, I love white rappers. Plus, any song dedicated to Subarus has to be shared with the world. Not safe for work.

Why do people insist on making embarrassing videos of themselves and posting them online? Not that I'm complaining; I wouldn't have anything to share with you if they didn't. Anyways, Kiss rocks.

Well...normally you'd buy something like this at an adult store. Still, I guess the docs need to train somewhere...

Farkin' Links Vol. 151 9/22

I booked my next vacation yesterday and I'm really looking forward to it. Well, I'm looking forward to seeing the sites, but certainly not the food. I've never been a big fan of curry. That and I'm gonna miss eating a hamburger for a while.

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
--George Burns


Most of you probably don't play Madden, and for that, you're crazy. Still, the new roster was taken down for a most ridiculous reason...

Ooooooohhhh...that's gotta hurt. I think I just threw up in my mouth. Oh yeah, ads ain't safe for work.

Damn...that was the best fight I've seen since those two black chicks fought in that link from last month. Bear vs. Tiger...who you got?

Gee, I hope they can save the banana from itself. This sounds like an insidious terrorist plot to me.

Whoa...remind me never to commit any crimes in Nigeria...haha...just kidding; I wouldn't be caught dead even going to Nigeria.

Well, it sounds like it's finally time for me to visit China.

Didn't Dave Chappelle do a skit on this story? This has got to be one of the most bizarre stories I've read lately, and that's saying something.

Soccer links two days in a row? Say it ain't so!

Awww....what the heck. Here's another soccer link. Sure, I mock soccer all the time, but I cannot deny these guys are true sports fans.

Shoot, I can't leave this great soccer story out either. Anything that involves David Beckham bitch slapping someone has got to be news.

This is interesting; a Hooter's employee manual. Too bad there aren't more pictures.

Whoa...look at this picture. What's up with that Tampa Bay player giving that Viking the shocker? Keep it in the lockeroom, fellas.

Had I figured this out when I was a kid, my hamster would have been far more fun to play with. It sure beats putting him in that plastic ball and rolling him down the stairs.

This would be a much better sequel to Bring it On...it's already been brough, beyatch! Umm...not that I watched that movie or own a copy of it or anything.

I have to include this interview with one of the creators of the greatest computer game of all time; Oregon Trail.

Farkin' Links Vol. 150 9/21

I had another signing in the hood yesterday and I'd like to offer this observation yet again; if black people are going to remove that stereotype of them always eating fried chicken, having a Church's, a Popeye's, and KFC on every street corner is probably not the way to go. This particular signing was a reschedule; the first time didn't go so well. The man wasn't informed that he was supposed to bring money to signing and he basically went ape-sh*t. I don't blame him; if my loan company did that to me, I'd be ready to get medieval on someone too. The thing is, I'm usually the closest one around, so I get to hear the creative abuse that flows from people's lips. It's improved my profanity lexicon, but it's not very fun to encounter on a regular basis. This time I made sure he spoke to his loan officer and got everything straightened out before I rode down there. The only problem with this signing was the fact that he was an angry black man. You may have met one; they're always looking to be offended about anything they can interpret as racist so they can act indignant and shout at someone. Since I wasn't playing along this day, he managed to get himself worked up just by talking to himself...it was quite entertaining, really. I can't imagine going through life that mad all the time; I'd hate to see his blood pressure.

On my way home, for some odd reason, I was suddenly craving fried chicken. Imagine that. I decided to just stop at one of the several Popeye's I passed heading to the freeway because I hadn't been there in a while. Now I remember why I've avoided the place; the chicken is terrible...and in such small portions, too. Hehe...I love that joke. Besides that, I got hit up about 4 times by homeless vagrants begging for change while I was eating. One particularly large woman who looked like she might eat me was begging for money so she could buy food,"I'm starving," she told me. I told her that by the looks of it, she was doing a really crappy job at starving. Then I quickly smiled and played it off like a joke while I gave her the rest of my change before I got shived or, worse, sat on. Say what you want about being a notary, it's rarely boring.

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
--Noel Coward


Hehe...here's a blog set up specifically to review stupid, boring or just plain ugly blogs. I wonder why mine hasn't made it yet?

I know I've put this up a while ago, but it's been a while since I threw on a soccer link, and this guy is just so damn...happy.

This is a pretty amusing collection of photoshopped propaganda posters.

That's...that's a lot of pennies. I don't think the Coinstar down the street can handle that.

How did these clips get cut from the commercial? I would have totally been inspired to buy a winnebago.

This is a nice return of the "Japanese people are crazy" links...have you ever wanted to see the Mario Brothers in comic book form? Yeah, me neither...but this is just bizarre.

Here's a real low budget shooting game...but it has a killer soundtrack.

Hey, it's a Britney Spears Barbie doll...oh wait...

That's a pretty funny way to go...talk about death by gluttony. I don't care what this mom says, I'm still getting a coke later.

I was about to support these women with their crusade for going topless, until I noticed their ages. I'm sure gravity wants them to use a bra, too.

This kind of reminds me of my first trip to Vegas without my 'rents...of course, the tree was much smaller.

So THAT'S how you solve a Rubik's cube! I'm still lost. Screw it, what's on TV?

Here's a revenge site for bitter women that have been cheated on.

Speaking of revenge...this is how you do it, ladies. This is far more entertaining...well, maybe not for you, but for us guys. Not safe for work.

...and now for my nominee for Hero of the week. 69 hours! That's impressive, man! Hehe...69...

Farkin' Links Vol. 149 9/20

I don't really have any good stories for today; I did end up doing a signing in the hood last night but it was relatively uninteresting. No shootings, stabbings, muggings and only several sirens over the course of an hour; not too terrible for the area. Of course, one way to know you're in a bad neighborhood is if you're in a fast food restaurant and the server is behind bulletproof glass like she's working a bank. It's probably not a good idea to go for an evening walk. I can't wait until winter when I'll get to drive through these areas in darkness...that'll be tons of fun. Monica asked that I give her the links to my two vacation albums from my trip to Cambodia and Vietnam, so I figured I'd just do it here. I'm lazy like that...enjoy the links.

Mon, here's Cambodia and here's Vietnam.

"The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern."
--Lord Acton


The best part about this video...well, besides the two women making out, is how this guy answers the question the girl asks.

Wow...I hope drugs were involved in the decision to fight with these stupid rules. Ads not safe for work.

This is an interesting science project...what is it about condoms that people are so fascinated by?

They say Tyra Banks is crazy...but it sounds to me like it's a good kind of crazy.

...and on that subject, here's a helpful article on how to detect fake breasts. All I have to ask is...who cares?

This is a pretty neat find...I wonder if they were land pirates?

Zee Germans don't allow smiling on their passport pictures anymore. I'm surprised it had to be voiced; I never saw a smile on a local the whole time I was in Germany.

Holy aqueducts, Batman! You really CAN find anything on Google!

This seems like a lot of money to spend on getting yourself killed, but hey, it's a free country.

I'll try and remember this the next time I drop a can of soda instead of handing it off to an unsuspecting friend.

Here's a simple fighting game to kill time with...

Yikes! The spirit of Lorena Bobbitt lives on.

Whoops...maybe this guy needs some new tires...and a new body, most likely. With today's technology, I'm sure they can build him better...stronger...faster...

I wonder if this works? If it does, I'm having a coke tonight.

...and if you're stupid enough to go skydiving, you might wanna look this site over. It tells you how you might survive a parachute malfunction...so you can be a happy cripple, I suppose.

Farkin' Links Vol. 148 9/19

I hope all of you had a nice weekend; mine was...interesting. I attended a family reunion of sorts; this was a collection of my grandmother's relatives, so it was a bunch of family I don't really know, nor care to. The fact that this side of the family has more tattoos and arrests than sense is probably the reason. Still, it's nice to do every once and a while. I told them we must do this again in about 10 years or so...give a decade or so. I also realized how old I'm getting when I played football with my teenage cousins; I think my shoulder almost popped out. I'm going to stick to the non contact sports, like horseshoes and drinking heavily.

I also have to mention that my basketball team started it's season this weekend. We were matched up with B's stinky squad, but they really almost had us this time. We're still missing our two best players; one is taking care of his sick baby and the other went head on with a semi and lost. He's still recovering from the plastic surgery that, unlike Humpty Dumpty, put his head back together again. We have two new guys, one is pretty good but a bit rusty and the other is fairly useless, but at least he's a warm body to put on the court to give people a rest. For some reason, B's team really thought they could win this game and they jumped out to a 12 point lead at one point. Luckily, we didn't panic and just kept chipping away at their lead until we finally pulled away and got our first victory of the season. It's a good way to start, but considering that B's team is, by far, the crappiest of our crappy league, it's going to be long season if we don't get our two "star players" back soon.

"An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."
--Will Rogers

How gay are you? If you're a fan of Coldplay, you're obviously off the charts...but check out this Gay-o-Meter anyways. Just in case you're wondering, I'm apparently 32 percent gay. Ha...they forgot to ask how many Broadway musicals I've attended...

I guess Bill Gates is a fan of Napoleon Dynamite. Of course, a movie about a tall, gawky guy with glasses who becomes a hero probably appeals to him.

Oh Yeah! More Triumph the insult dog! It really doesn't matter where he's at, he's pho-king hilarious, but this time it's a Bon Jovi concert in New Jersey.

And in the exciting world of entomology, we have a bug that is just really, really disgusting.

It's true, Virginia, video game companies never had any respect for actual gamers. Although, that's one hell of a rap song about Zelda.

I certainly wouldn't call this looting...this is more like a rescue operation.

Great...now I can totally suck at solving a Rubik's cube online as well.

Nature is cool...especially when it involves lions kicking the crap and eating other animals.

I, for one, am very happy to see that Lindsay Lohan appears to be eating again.

Wow...air-brushed real women are just not cutting it for Playboy, it seems. These women are probably easier to work with; they certainly can't complain or anything.

This is a pretty funny bottled water commercial who's selling point is a moment of clarity...sort of the opposite of beer.

Well, that's one way to solve a countrywide molestation problem. I think they use it in Arkansas, too.

Most underclassmen usually major in this class' subject, but at least now they can get credit for it. No, Jack, it's not Arcade Fighting Games 101.

Cool...if anyone can make James Bond somewhat interesting again, it's the guy who made Crash, the most awesomely awesome movie I've seen this year.

...and for the return of my silly ebay auctions of the day, we have one featuring Weird Al Yankovic. Too bad I missed out on it.

Farkin' Links Vol. 147 9/16

I haven't been very consistent this week, but, too bad, I'm busy. I don't have all this time to waste; at least this week. I was in Chatsworth this morning at their sparkling new, and presumably, outrageously priced new courthouse this morning. I've noticed this trend; despite the huge debt this state is running, new government buildings are going up all through the valley. The Superior court in Antelope Valley looks grand enough to rival Attaturk's tomb with it's imported marble and sheek, modern lines. Howard Roark would be jealous, if he wasn't such a self absorbed a-hole, anyways. Oh yeah, so I walked into the Chatsworth courthouse today and got myself in trouble with security. It seems that something in my bag seemed far too dangerous to be allowed into the building. After the rentacop tore my bag apart in his effective search, he triumphantly held aloft the offending item; a staple remover. Yep...what the hell was I thinking? Obviously, this expensive building must only be held up with industrial staples and could be brought down by an insidious terrorist like myself. At least I wasn't arrested. Have a nice weekend, folks.

There comes a time in every man's life and I've had many of them.
--Casey Stengel


This is a helpful calculator if you wanted to find out how much you'd owe the RI/MPAA in case they sued you for your pirated songs and movies...not that any of you would do something so criminal. Except maybe Hackrat.

Have you seen that funky HP commercial with the pictures turning into life and vice versa? This guy does a good home made version.

This would be sad...if it wasn't so creepy. Still, who would throw back this catch?

Cool...here's some tips on beating the carnies at their own game. You'll still blow 20 dollars, but at least you'll come home with a 3 dollar stuffed animal instead of empty handed.

8-bit open night, huh? This is the type of artwork you'd find in the 40 year old virgin's place...next to his collection of painted, tiny, pewter figures.

This is the strangest marriage I've ever seen...that wasn't featured on Jerry Springer, anyways.

Looks like the communists are fighting back against the evil, decadent west...with words.

Here's a fun, little, surfing game that's far too addictive to play.

I had to see the picture to talk about, but is anybody ever surprised by anything Sean Penn does anymore?

I know exactly how I want my car painted now...Rrrrarrr!

This is an interesting side scroller starring Rapunzel as an action hero. Gotta love progressive thought.

This paintball gun would be so damn cool...if I gave a damn about paintball.

I have no idea what the heck the context is of this clip...but that's one hell of a suplex.

Great...not only do the razors vibrate, but now they have 5 blades. How long before somebody accidentally cuts their throat? I'm thinking of going back to clam shells.

I dunno about you, but this sounds like an erotic adventure gone wrong.

Farkin' Links Vol. 146 9/13

So, football season is finally upon us...and no, I don't mean that Euro soccer crap either. I mean American football, the most popular game in the U.S. Just as important, this means that fantasy football is upon us as well. Fantasy football is a brilliant way to turn average sports fans into rabid statistical quasi-experts and keep interest in even the crappiest teams, i.e. Houston, da Bears, etc. It's also a wonderful way to begin pointless arguments that can span for hours with absolutely nothing being accomplished; it's the closest you can get to being a member of the U.N. Either way, my team this year is looking alright and I won my first game, but at a serious cost. My number one wide receiver, Javon Walker, decided to tear the dreaded ACL and is now free to watch the NFL on Directv all season from a cast on his sofa. I'm going to hope this is the most serious disaster I'll have this year, but I wouldn't be surprised if my team turns into a hospital ward. It's happened before, and with the violence of the game, I'm sure it'll happen again.

"Most men are within a finger's breadth of being mad."
--Diogenes the Cynic


Wow...I guess you really can find anything on the internet. Although, that's not exactly a good thing.

I know you've all been missing minigames that give you the opportunity to run over people, so here you go.

That's just sick and wrong...I'll never be able to watch Sesame Street the same way. Ah, who am I kidding? I always thought there was something wrong with Bert and Ernie living together taking baths...

I guess it's good to know that cheese does not cause nightmares, but the most amazing part of this story is the fact that a British Cheese Board exists.

I dunno what this guy did to deserve getting shot up like a rap star, but I'm sure he deserved it.

I used to get sent to my room without any dinner, so I guess I can understand how this poor woman felt.

Yet another lapse in the support services for Hurricane Katrina; no transgender showers. Transgenders are people too...I guess.

Yet another website that wasted an hour of my day; check out the KCNA random insult generator, You bourgeois philistine!

Here's a collection of bizarre wedding garb; although, paying thousands of dollars for a dress you're going to wear once is bizarre enough as it is.

Just in case you were wondering; yes, Tara Reid is still completely insane...and probably drunk.

I guess we can file this away in the Old People will pho-k you up section, but damn! Is this even possible?

I dunno how many of these are photo shopped, but these are some big ass animals.

Wondering what do to with those old cell phones that you replaced? These people have some ideas.

I'm not exactly sure why blowing up a microwave is so funny to this guy, so I'll just assume it's because he's retarded. It would explain a lot.

Let me get this straight; you can make 80,000 dollars for playing Halo? Damn, I really missed my calling.

Farkin' Links Vol. 145 9/12

I hope you all had a nice weekend; mine was nice and restful. It's a nice change of pace from last week's 20 miles of hiking through the god forsaken moonscape that is Bryce Canyon and freezing my ass off in a tent while rocks dig into my back. You never realize how important a comfortable bed is until you sleep on the ground. Although I didn't catch up on my Netflix, I did end up finding the Thin Man movie series on DVD; all six movies and an extra disc on the two stars, William Powell and Myrna Loy. These are those black and white movies that my dad would force me to watch kicking and screaming that I'd end up really enjoying. The original movie is based on the last book written by Dashiell Hammet, who, despite the girly name, was the man who pioneered the hard boiled detective novel and also wrote another classic, the Maltese Falcon(He also was a pinko-commie which got him locked up for a time during the 50's). The book is rather dark and cynical as all his stories were, involving a tough detective who has married into money and enjoying the good life until he's dragged into a murder mystery involving a case he worked on years before. The movie, on the other hand, is a fun, clever, hilarious comedy/murder mystery that's completely dominated by the personalities of the two principal characters, Nick(William Powell) and Nora(Myrna Loy) Charles. Nick plays the tough detective, far more concerned with his next martini than displaying any of this supposed toughness and Nora is his socialite wife who, as well as being completely unflappable, enjoys verbally sparring with her husband at every opportunity. The plot in all the movies is completely superflous; some person is murdered, then another, all while Nora tries to get her husband involved in solving the case. The final scene is always the same; all the suspects brought together in a room to review the case until one of them slips up and confesses in a way that only happens in the movies. You don't watch the movies for that, you watch it for the interaction between the surprisingly happy, playful, and alcoholic married couple that is the Charles'. Watching the first one reminded me of why I really loved these movies, now I can't wait to watch the rest.

"Getting caught is the mother of invention."
--Robert Byrne


Hehe...this almost happened when I sent out that link with the Harry Potter spoiler shirt. I think Moody might have killed me had he read it.

Wow...here's a clip from Saturday Night Live that's featuring Paris Hilton and is actually funny. I'm not sure which part is stranger. Either way, I wanna role my 12 sided dice, baby...

Dick Cheney is such a liar. There's no way this is the first time someone told him to go pho-k himself. Of course, anyone foolish enough to do so probably didn't get another chance as they mysteriously disappeared.

Nice save, newsbabe. At least we know what you're doing for the weekend...

Wow...I had no idea Lego were so damn touchy. What happens if I say Legos, exactly? Are they going to send the Lego police after me?

I have no idea who the hell is on the University of Kentucky football team, but suddenly I really, really want them to win.

I haven't linked to any bold shirts that'll get your ass kicked lately, so here's an entire page. I especially love the "Army of Two" shirt.

For the "Japanese people are crazy" link...I just have this simple pic. As the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words. "What the hell is going on!?" are definitely some that would fit here.

You wanna know what's a perfect demonstration of being a dick? Stabbing a baby.

Jeez, I guess they don't build them like they used to.

In case you didn't know(and why the hell would you?), it was World Naked Gardening day on Saturday. Definitely not safe for work.

Are cops becoming bigger pussies or do they just like shooting people with taser guns? Why can't it be both?

Hmmm...so that's what Tony's cousin was doing last week.

How do you know it's a slow newsday? When you can have a six page article on making a hamburger. Isn't there some girl missing in Aruba they can talk about instead?

I've said it before and I'll keep saying it; I love foreign commercials. Not only is the guy's moustache not safe for work, the gratuitous nudity isn't either.

Farkin' Links Vol. 144 9/9

I love my new GPS unit that's in my car, but I'm certain it will be the death of me at some point. How do you not fiddle with a minature computer that lets you plot far away destinations and plot points? I certainly don't have time to watch the road or anything like that.

Since I have nothing to talk about today combined with very little work, I'm going to have to warn everyone about this dangerous children's show that my brothers are obsessed with. No, it's not the gay sponge(although, doesn't spongebob squarepants sound like a contraceptive?), it's a show with a much lower profile which makes it all the more damaging. I'm talking about Bob the Builder. At first, I too was entertained by the bland, effective carpentry done by this Bob character and his eclectic cast of talking vehicles. It finally hit me as I was watching it one day and realized he never gets paid for any of his work; Bob is a communist. They live in a little community where everyone does a specific job(obviously chosen by the commissariat of labor) where if you try to attempt someone else's job, you're severly punished. They repeatedly teach this lesson with a poor scarecrow character who's just trying to escape this agrarian paradise and better himself and who is shown to be an incompetent fool that everyone hates. The perfect commie repesentation of the bourgeoisie. It's only a matter of time before he's shipped off by one of the colorful trucks to a "re-education" camp. Don't let the brainwashing of your children and nephews or nieces continue; just say no to Bob...or should I say Boris!

Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
--Joseph Stalin


Hey ladies...this study is looking for some volunteers. Don't be embarrassed...do it!

For the "Japanese people are crazy" link, well, actually, this is pretty cool. I think they should do this more often.

I'm not sure if this was on purpose, but I certainly hope it wasn't.

This guy's headed for ESPN! Look out, Trey Wingo...there's a new sportscaster in town! Actually, I just wanted a reason to type out Trey Wingo. This guy's just embarrassing. Boom goes the dynamite, baby.

It's almost like they created this page specifically for me. Now, I, too, can understand what the heck Tupac was trying to say.

Wowzers! At first, I thought this might be a bust, but this guy is the real rifleman!

Hmmm...maybe this guy should sell one of these cars and use that to buy a new house with a bigger garage.

This toilet seat is truly disturbing. I'm not even sure how you would have even gotten the experience to use the bathroom in this fashion...horses don't have a hollow center.

These are almost as cool as my Oakleys...certainly a lot cheaper.

I guess Florida isn't completely insane after all. This is a no brainer of a judgment, but with the way the judicial system works now, you never know.

Hehe...Paris Hilton declares she's not a sexual person. I suppose that explains why she made all those sex tapes; so she could remember how to do it.

...and Europe wonders why their population is declining.

I know computers can be confusing and scary...but seriously, if you think you should alter a component with a knife, maybe you should ask before you cut.

I know they tell you to look both ways before crossing the train tracks...but maybe you should look ahead, too.

This may be the greatest headline I've ever seen...and the story is even weirder. There go the Chinese again, pulling stunts.

Farkin' Links Vol. 143 9/8

I finally picked up my car last night...I use the word finally because I had to sit around for several hours while they were getting it ready. It's sort of like when your plane gets delayed because they're having a problem with the "intercom" even though you see the techs furiously working on the wing or engines. With all this free time of hand sitting, I got to watch the finale to this reality show called "The Cut." The premise was a collection of weirdos...I mean designers who were competing for a job designing clothes at Tommy Hilfiger. The best part about the show was that I found out there really was a Tommy Hilfiger. I thought he was one of those made up guys like J. Peterman from Seinfeld. All I can say about the final clothes designs from the three finalists is that I wouldn't use them unless I was wiping off my new car.

Besides the excitement of reality tv, this really hot chick and her handler came in to the dealership and attempted to purchase a Miata...or an MX5 as it's now called. I guess numbers and letter designations sound cooler; I know it worked for Star Wars. Anyways, she wasn't exactly beautiful, she looked like she had about as much milage as my old Civic and she walked with the confidence of a woman who knows she can get whatever she wanted, so my mind instantly decided STRIPPER! On a side note, the Miata she took for a spin has one of those keyless entry units; you just have the electronic unit with you and the car unlocks and starts up by itself. Very futuristic and cool...until you loose it in the laundry and have to pay 6 grand to get a new one. Anyways, the chick ended up leaving in a bit of a huff, so I wandered over to the manager of the store where they were talking about the whole incident.

"What was that about?," I asked.
"We couldn't do the sale. She had no verifiable evidence of income, and she wanted a specific payment that we just couldn't do."
"Un-verifiable?"
"Yeah...she's a dancer."
"You mean exotic, hanging off a pole type dancer, right?"
"Hehe...yeah, exactly."
"I thought she looked familiar."

On a brighter note, she can probably walk back in that place in about 2 weeks and buy the damn thing with cash, if she doesn't snort all of her lap dance tips up her nose.

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
--Ronald Reagan


Hahaha...this guy is a regular riot. They'll love him in prison.

Hi, my name is Sam and I'm here to rob you.

What's cooler than watching a bullfight? If you answered watching a midget bullfight, you get a cigar.

Here's the top 10 funny and 10 offensive religious jokes. Enjoy.

This guy went through a lot of trouble to check out childhood starlets to see if they're hot now. I, for one, applaud his efforts.

...and now for a Lindsey Lohan update. This guy thinks she's starting to look healthier...I'm not so sure.

Here's a rather amusing soccer story that even people not named Moody can enjoy. I'd say this is pretty gay, but Vinnie Jones would probably hunt me down and kill me...or at the least re-enact this picture.

I guess Jerome Bettis is trying to establish a new career after football...although he's no Doc Love at this point.

Damn! Where did she go!? Ninjas are too powerful!

Hehe...o.k., this REALLY looks like something someone from Cal Tech would invent. I mean, their mascot is the beaver, right Ben? Not safe for work.

Wow...how come my teachers never looked like this? I guess I should have grown up in Italy.

I knew it wasn't the president, or the Federal government, or the incompetent local government that was responsible for Katrina. IT WAS THE COMMIES!

Do you feel as though you've been wronged and the offending party just won't apologize? You should go to this link.

This is the stupidest invention I've ever seen...I'll buy three.

Who says you never learn anything useful on TV?

Farkin' Links Vol. 142 9/7

So, I bought a car yesterday. I really hate dealing with car dealerships because it means you have to deal with car salesmen. These slimebags are just plain dangerous; they tried to jack me on my loan interest rates. Luckily, I'm not a complete retard and I had already secured a much lower rate outside of this crappy ass dealership. To be fair, this is where they usually make some extra money, so I can't really be that mad at them for trying to make a living, but I'm not gonna bend over and grab my ankles just so they can pay for their kid's braces. The guy that was the salesman was a nice kid; he was straight out of high school supposedly raising money so he could attent college. We both knew he had about as much chance going back to college as I did of becoming a Chinese jet pilot, but we just pretended so as not to kill the small talk. He also was also wanting to pull an honest to God Jack Lin stunt. He wanted to buy a car from Japan, import it and set it up for California. The plan is basically to buy a 5,000 dollar car and spend another 15,000 to get it to work...20 grand for a 5 grand car. That totally makes sense...if you're insane! He was a nice guy though...much better than the weird computer guy in inventory that was trying to find the car I wanted. This guy was the perfect stereotype of a cyber-geek; he was a short, thin, albino-like pale white guy with greasy hair and horn-rimmed glasses who seemed to think he missed his calling as a comedian...I can assure you, he did not. He was one of those close talkers too, which made me wish he'd take a break from World of Warcraft and maybe shower once in a while. Either way, I found my car so I hopefully won't have to do this for at least another 5 or 6 years.

"The worst thing about Europe is that you can't go out in the middle of the night and get a Slurpee."
--Tellis Frank (The cool thing is that in Thailand, you can. They love their 7-11's)


Hehe...this is so great. The crazy part is I have no idea which is a porn star or a my little pony name.

Wow, I need to get myself a trunk midget, too.

These are some impressive limos...that I'll never, ever have enough money to ride in.

See, this is exactly what Edna Mode in the Incredibles was talking about...capes are just plain dangerous.

Yet one more example that a picture is worth a thousand words.

This is why fake fighting is always a bad idea...someone always takes it too far. Still, this is definitely a new way to bitch-slap someone. Ads not safe for work.

Hehe...I totally have to get my grandmother this shirt for her birthday.

Here's a pictoral of 18 reasons to play golf. Oddly enough, looking at Mickelson's man boobies didn't make the cut. Still, some pics not safe for work.

This is more information about that Dell dude than I ever wanted. Although the last picture is an eye opener...I'm more interested in how you study to be a mime. Do they actually have schools for that?

For the silly ebay auction of the day, we have a little piece of Michael Moore...well, I guess there really isn't anything little on Moore, but this is pretty funny anyways.

I suppose this makes the case for public transportation. Of course, stacking 26 people in one minibus is usually dangerous unless you're a clown.

I know this guy thinks he's a deep thinker and making a political statement or some such crap, but he could totally make a killing on Halloween with these products.

People sure get fired for some strange reasons...I dunno if this guy's story was better than some of the other ones. I like the fencing story, myself.

I love David Blaine...he's one crazy mo-fo. I've seen this clip before, but it's worth seeing again just for the crowd reaction.

Whoa...bug porn! Of course, they'd make more money if they were doing gay bug porn...at least, according to Ben.

Farkin' Links Vol. 141 9/6

Well, I managed to hike for two days in Bryce Canyon and not die, so I suppose this was a successful weekend. Other than the airport managed to lose my luggage on a 40 minute flight forcing me to buy new clothes and gear at K-mart, the freezing cold, rain and hail of all things, and the burning soreness from wandering for 10 miles two days in a row, it was a pretty fun trip. You really can't put a price on watching Marlon almost set himself on fire multiple times. Nor can you really know what to say when Ben brings up, out of nowhere, the fact that men in gay porn can make 3,000 dollars a scene. Nobody got seriously injured, everybody made it back to camp on their own power, and there was a really good buffet right down the street with ribs and, most importantly according to Winston, a soft serve machine. This is one of the main reasons there hasn't been a links update lately, but hey, I was more concerned with survival and all that. Anyways, enjoy the links.

"My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared."
--P. J. Plauger


I don't remember this guy in the Carebears...but I hope he sticks around.

Hehe...I know I'm supposed to give a crap about that missing girl in Aruba, but this shirt still cracks me up. T-shirt hell is just wrong.

Nice...this is the way to answer nosy newscasters. That'll learn 'em!

Speaking of nosy newscasters...I thought this weatherman was about to tell the anchorwoman to go back to her home on WHORE ISLAND!

Well, as all good "Japanese people are crazy" links are, this one is not safe for work. Still, have you ever wondered what kind of freaky sh*t gets sold in a Japanese porn shop? Wonder no more.

Since I haven't had a link about Eva Longoria for a while...this one will work. What an expressive chick.

Poor elephant...I wonder if he gets to use the handicapped parking sections.

Jeez, it just ain't safe to be a pervert out in public anymore.

Wow...that is the second biggest spider I've ever seen...

I guess the lesson of this is for ladies to always wear a bra when they appear on TV...hopefully, this lesson gets ignored. Not safe for work.

Well, this certainly makes me feel comfortable about the safety level of nuclear power. I mean, we don't have any jellyfish in America, right?

Damn...it's good to be the king; even in Swaziland.

This is a quick spaceship game that's a lot harder than it looks.

I know what list this guy's getting on with Santa. Not that he'll be that concerned...he'll probably be more concerned with not dropping the soap.

And just a picture that's worth a thousand words. I certainly wouldn't have taken that parking spot.