Farkin' Links Vol. 170 12/5

My company Christmas party was this weekend, which was nice. You gotta love free booze and food whenever it presents itself. Many beers later, I was all in favor of sitting around and watching a movie. Jack was really pushing to watch I heart Huckabees, which I wasn't all that big on, but it sure as hell beat the alternative of House of Wax. I mean, other than Paris Hilton getting killed, it didn't really have anything to recommend it. Sadly enough, Tony had alread seen March of the Penguins and Stealth was checked out. I know that Stealth would have cost another 20 dollars in order to get drunk enough to enjoy, but with this Huckabees movie I knew I'd have to be relatively sober to pay attention to. Oh well...

So, onto the movie. I heart Huckabees, which has an overly clever and stupid name (As the members of Spinal Tap once pointed out,"There's a fine line between stupid and clever") and the rest of the movie lives up to this first impression. The plot revolves around a tree hugging neurotic who, while fighting for control of an environmental advocacy group he helped create, enlists the aid of an extistential detective agency to investigate a strange coincidence that's happened in his life and is keeping him from concentrating on his job. Yeah, it's as weird as it sounds. This is a movie that probably sounded much better in script form, as it was apparently written by a couple of guys who took too many philosophy classes in college and were smoking too much peyote during the process. The acting is the only thing that makes this idiotic script worth anything; Marky Mark Walberg is extremely entertaining as a nihilistic firefighter, Jason Schwartzman portrays his quirky, bossy character from Rushmore, and the married detectives are ably played by Dustin Hoffman wearing a really strange wig and Lily Tomlin, who I wasn't even sure was still alive. I should have known this movie was going to suck like a Hoover because Jude Law was in it; he's actually a good actor, but his decisions for movie roles are about as successful as Michael Jordan playing baseball. This whole existential investigation comedy was done about a million times better with Douglas Adams' Dirk Gently's Hollistic Detective Agency novels. I think this subject just doesn't translate well to film. I wouldn't even watch this trainwreck again, but, hey, if you're feeling masochistic, give it try. It has one of the boldest sex scenes I've ever seen in a film. There's a quote from the movie that sums up my feelings on this film,"What the f*ck was that about?" 4/10 Tristan grading scale, D+.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
--Edgar Bergen


This link is for Ben Wu, who loves dissecting the science in movies and thus making them completely unwatchable...as well as pissing off everyone in earshot.

...and this week on Rescue 911, we have an idiot, a beer bong, and a bottle of Captain Morgan.

Gee...trouble in paradise with Britney and K-Fed? I thought that marriage would last forever.

Never read the style guys before, but I'd have to agree with their assessment of these various puppies...and I wish them well on their future gay marriage in Massachusetts.

Wow...I guess this chick objects...make that strenuously objects to her seat partner in the courtroom. Ads not safe for work.

Hehe, I know I'm rooting for Gonzaga. It's sort of like rooting for the Utah Jazz. Go whities!

I blame this type of masochistic idiocy on Jackass; but hey, at least I now know what it actually looks like when a nail enters a person's leg. It's totally different than Looney Tunes makes it look.

This is the definition of adding insult to injury. I think he learned his lesson about crossing streets without looking both ways, no need to give him a ticket too. It must have been quota week.

This is an interesting story about a man who was both a dwarf and a giant in his life. This might be classified in the "be careful what you wish for" category.

They've finally done a story on all the boys getting molested by older women that's been going on lately. I was obviously born too damn soon.

Farkin' Links Vol. 167 11/29

I had a signing last night in a new development out by Marina Del Rey. This ended up being a problem because it didn't show up on my GPS system nor my 6 year old map book. I had to do something I haven't done in years; ask for directions. It was quite embarrassing, really. Either way, I did finally find my way to this place and it's quite an impressive place. The condo complex this guy lives in is the largest I've ever seen; the damn thing could have been a self contained eco system. We did the whole signing thing...but then a strange thing happened. He kept talking to me. Usually, people are quick to get rid of me, and I really can't blame them. I'd get rid of me if I could. This guy, on the other hand, just started talking about random crap and remained seated after I stood up as if to trap me by good manners. Well, that didn't delay me for too long, so I started trying to make my way out, and the guy takes this as an offer to show me the way back to the exit of the condo complex. Then, he keeps talking to me for another ten minutes once we get there...at this point, I just wanted to get the hell out of there, but he's still talking. I finally took to nodding and trying to create an akward silence that would let me make my exit, but the bastard just took that as an invite to keep flapping his lips. Eventually, my natural kindness was overcome by my desire to get the hell out of there, so I finally just told him I had to leave and ran to my car. He's a single engineer, and apparently a very lonely one at that. I feel for him, but I certainly don't want to spend all night listening to him tell me about World of Warcraft. I think what that guy needs is a Russian mail order bride...or groom. Whatever floats his boat. Still, I pray to God that I don't have to go back to fix anything...it might turn into a "Misery" like situation with me getting my feet lopped off and forced to play Dungeons and Dragons with him for the rest of my life. Well, as long as I get to DM, I guess it wouldn't be all that bad.

"Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home."
--Bill Cosby


It looks like it's going to be easy to find stories for the "India is a freakshow." In this one, these two ladies were accused of being witches and forced to eat crap...which is probably marginally better tasting than the usual food they eat there.

So sad...the world's ugliest dog has died. I don't know how you could tell, but I'd cut it's head off and stake it through the heart just to be sure.

China jumps ahead of the U.S. in yet another industry; the condom industry. Well, knowing how high in quality made in China items are, I think I'd pass on this one. Still, cool concept.

This is rather ironic. This news story couldn't have been timed any better; still, this reporter is impressing no one with his dramatic flair.

Now THAT is a cool Christmas t-shirt. Too bad I'm not black.

Wow...who knew it's against the law to be an idiot in Austria?

Hehe...I don't think this guy would like going to a movie theater with me in attendance. Hey Jon, Moody and Uriel...how many times did we almost get in a fight with some random person at those screenings?

Sure, Google is evil and trying to take over the world and all that...but it still has to contend with Bill Gates. I don't envy them in that task.

This is a cool concept; it's here to help you remember that one movie with those mutants that lived in the New York sewers that were eating people...what the heck was the name of that?

This is a tragedy, but why should the bartender suffer because some stupid Euro can't hold his liquor? It's a fairly reasonable amount to drink; I've seen Chris Hsieh polish this much off and still annoy us with drunken commentary for the rest of the night.

Farkin' Links Vol. 169 12/1

I don't have anything interesting to relate today, so I'll just leave you with a quote.

"The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid."
--Art Spander


In the "India is a Freakshow" file, we have an Indian actress who's been watching too much Sex in the City. What a weird, weird, place India is.

This list details the 17 people you can't get mad at for boning your girl...and really, who could ever be mad at Jenna Jameson?

Great...speaking of other guys boning your girl, 50 cent would like to do that as well, at least in spirit. Still, I have to admit I didn't know most vibrators aren't waterproof. Heh...you learn something new every day. Ads probably not safe for work.

When you're hit in the head by a train, this is usually my cue to make a joke about evolution in action...unless you're this guy who is apparently Superman or maybe the Tick. Considering he got hit in the head by a subway car a few years earlier, you'd think he'd stop sticking his head out like that. Of course, it's probably hard to remember anything after that.

Alright! More Triumph the Insult dog...even if he is a Democrat stooge. He's still a funny one.

Hehe...cats are so stupid. Ads might not be safe for work.

Hehe...newlyweds are so stupid. It was probably the rice in their eyes, though.

According to these Italian scientists, romantic love has a year shelf life before it expires. Seems optimistic, really.

This guy named Ronald McDonald, who works at Wendy's, is accused of robbing the store. That's what you get for hiring the enemy.

Hmmm...I haven't had a silly ebay auction of the day lately, so here's an xbox signed by one of the xbox models. Funny, I didn't even know they had models.

Farkin' Links Vol. 168 11/30

I had a pretty easy signing last night in the quasi-hood. It's basically a nice section of South Central; yes, they do exist. The fact is that 90 percent of the people in the hood aren't a bunch of wild criminals or homeless people trying to wash your windshield with a newspaper and a spray bottle, they're average, law abiding folk who are as pissed about all the delinquents that give their area a bad name. You can tell these nice sections because the yards are always prestine, the houses generally look freshly painted, and the second you show up, people start looking out the window to figure out who the hell you are. It's probably the neighborhood watch or something. Either way, these are usually nice places to live; plus, you're always really close to a fast food chicken joint.

The signing was with an older black couple. When I say old, I'm talking they remember WWII and not from a textbook or the History channel sort of old. The husband was retired, but the wife was still a teacher at the Compton School district. She was that older no nonsense type of teacher that always dresses up, takes no crap from any of the students and forces them to actually learn something. The type you hate in school, but respect and never forget when you're older. Their house was something else entirely; it hadn't been redecorated since the 1970's, and boy, could you tell! They had the great faux gold colored walls, the cheesy fogged mirrors with the colored cracks, and even the shag carpet. It's the type of place you can't feel comfortable in unless you're wearing polyester and sporting a mustache...which I can't grow, curse the Native American and Filipino sides of my family. Some days, I just love my job. You meet such interesting people...

"Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once."
--Tallulah Bankhead


Not exactly Public Enemy No. 1 here, but that's one hell of a crime. I'm totally jealous...except for the part where he gets a boyfriend named Bubba in the county jail.

Yet more proof that news reporters are not the sharpest tools in the shed. Hell, they're not even smarter than the 10 year olds in this clip.

Damn...talk about the kiss of death. I had no idea peanuts were this dangerous.

I always wanted to do this at church, but I don't want to go to hell...aw, who am I kidding? I'm so going to hell. I might as well start punching everyone I don't like.

Yet another reason to hate gas station attendants, as if you needed one. It turns out their Europhiles...this guy's excuse is the same one used by France for not supporting the Iraq war, right?

What terrible journalism is on display here...where the hell are the damn pictures?

Hehe...border patrol uniforms are made in Mexico. I don't see that as a big problem; they came in legally.

I've been neglecting the "female teacher giving private sex education lessons" stories lately, so here's one from England. Apparently, she got caught before they could get to the final exam.

I'm glad I don't believe in Santa Claus anymore like Paris Hilton, because this video would have put me in therapy.

After reading this article, I'd have to say that sexologists are pretty cool people.

Farkin' Links Vol. 166 11/28

I hope ya'll had a good Thanksgiving. Actually, that's probably not true. I really don't care how your Thanksgiving was. I mean, maybe in a generic sort of, "Oh, how nice," but I really don't care that much. Either way...um...I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. An interesting thing happened up at my dad's place this weekend. He owns this stupid macaw named Larry who's job is to annoy the hell out of everybody in the house, until recently, that is. Joan, my step mother, bought some rope that the bird has been...shall we say, pleasuring itself on. Apparently, it's going through puberty or something. Anyways, this has been calming the creature and everyone figured that was it, until we woke up one morning and Larry had laid an egg. It turns out Larry is a chick. These weird parrots don't show their sex organs until they're ready to mate, so you can't tell what the heck it is until it's usually too late to change the name. Since the bird likes to yell, bite, and get so drunk it falls off the perch, I figured we could rename it Tara Reid. Seems my dad wants to stick with Larry; it seems like such an insult to number 33. Oh well...

"Not only is the universe stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine."
--Sir Arthur Eddington


I think I'll add a new category called, "India is a freakshow." In this story, a woman in a Calcutta hospital died after her eye was eaten by ants. Yeah...you read that correctly. Ants. Ye gods...

Hehe...I think the funniest part of this story is the idea of a French terrorist. Do they hold planes hostage with their body odor?

How strange; I was trying to see a tiger in a wilderness park in India and all along I should have been watching the road. Hell, he's even got a nicer car than I do.

According to this story, the singing star (well, I'm not sure what else to call her) Pink has a dog named F*cker...with a U, not a *, that is. Funny, my dog probably thought that was his name too, the stupid fu, well, let's just say he used to piss me off a lot...

Whoa...I'm no fan of condoms, but this just seems a little too dangerous to be using around the family jewels. (News story, but might not be safe for work.)

I haven't validated this story, but, all I can say is wow. I guess chickens really don't need a brain to function after all.

Those wacky Chinese are at it again. Ghost, you say? More like Rosy Palm and her five sisters.

Yep, that's our Bush, alright. Not that I haven't done the exact same thing hundreds of times. Damn locked doors...it's a conspiracy, I tell you!

This clip is great; giant bugs and kung fu mice. I love nature; even better, the male mouse just stands around and watches...all he needed was a beer in his paw. Not safe for work ads, though.

...and I thought Geiko Insurance had the best commercials. How wrong I was...If only I could switch to Vern Fonk!

Farkin' Links Vol. 165 11/23

Whoops; too busy to update yesterday, so this will have to be your last linkage for the Turkey week. I have to bring up the comedy of errors that has been this one signing I've been trying to accomplish this past...well, almost two months. The first time this signing had been given to me was the end of September; they ended up giving me the wrong address and the man had no contact number. I ended up sitting around for an hour watching Boyz in the Hood play ball and suspiciously eyeing my car. The lady at the address given to me vehmenently denied the existence of my signer and about threatened to call the cops. Ha...like they'd show up in a neighborhood like that. Anyways, I ended up going home with no carjacking, which was good.

The next time I was asked to follow up at the man's actual address. Turns out he was refinancing the house I was at and it was his mother's place, and the crazy lady was his sister on "disability." The only disability she was on concerned her consumption of donuts and her likelihood of getting harpooned at the beach; but I digress. He was responsible for the house now that his mother wasn't working and he was hoping to get some cash out of it and get a lower rate. Of course, since I had accidentally torpedoed that plan by revealing that it wasn't his place of residence, the rate they were going to give him had suddenly gone up about a point and a half. It made refinancing not even worth it, so he decided that he wasn't going to sign. Cool, I can understand that. The least amount of time spent at his crack home the better; this, too, was the kind of neighborhood I'm not supposed to be in unless I'm picking up an eighth of something mind altering. I foolishly asked to use his toilet; I think the bathroom on the trail to Macchu Picchu was cleaner.

This leads us to this past week; I was told that he was going to sign, so I foolishly ventured back into the lion's den and showed at his doorstep. Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you want to look at it, he wasn't home. I ended up doing the usual hour wait and he never arrived. At this point I'm beginning to lose faith in my sigining company; still, if they really want to pay me to sit around in neighborhoods with a fast food fried chicken franchise on every corner, it's their business. Well, they call again and tell me that this time he will be home at 8 pm. I figure I've gone this far, why not push my luck again? I show up at 8, and in my haste to get done with it, I accidentally knock on the wrong door, which is answered by this creepy Jabba the Hut like creature wearing a wife beater that looked like it might have been worn so long it was attached to the skin who yelled at me and asked if I was with a collection agency. Yep, my kind of neighborhood. I finally get to the right door and I'm met by the man that started this whole ridiculous venture who then informs me,"No, I never agreed to sign these papers again. I told my loan officer that I was canceling; they're just hoping I'll sign if they keep harrassing me." I can hardly believe the incompetence at work here, so I say the only thing that comes to mind.
"Hey, can you do me a favor? What's the score of the Vikings/Packers game?"

So I was reading Playboy...you know, for the articles, of course, and for the stupid jokes they have. Anyways, this one made me chuckle. Have a nice Thanksgiving, everyone.

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "But," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a little bar where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth."
The Englishman responded, "Well, at my local bar, the local owner would buy you your third drink after you bought the first two."
"Ah, that's nothing," the Irishman said. "Back home there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then, when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately doubted the Irishman's claims.
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not myself personally," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to my sister."


Well, that didn't take long. Still, when you employ a French actor, you have to expect these things. This page is safe, but the link on it leads to a not safe for work.

How embarrassing. Sure, the car is going to cost 98 bucks to get back, but what can ever buy back this guy's self respect?

Oh. My. God. That is just so wrong. How much do you want to bet that every fat German businessman has already ordered two?

The top 25 inventions of the year, huh? An alarm clock that doesn't go off on time and a talking piece of rope. What a crappy year for inventions. Well, at least we got a crappy moped powered by hydrogen for up to two whole hours. Good lord, my battery charged remote controlled car does better than that! Just one more link from this invention list; isn't it funny that the model using the filter straw designed to keep you from dying from poisoned water is made to look Indian? I've never seen more honesty in advertising in all my life.

It's been a while since I've visited this Bryanboy's blog...but, really, all I can do is quote the immortal Keanu Reeves. "Whoa!"

Who knew "Saved by the Bell" was such a polarizing social event in the nation's history? Oh, right, it isn't. This guy just had to finish a paper hopped up on caffeine pills.

This should have been featured in the 25 inventions story; I, for one, hate that damn beyatch giving me directions on my car's gps navigation system. But if it was Mr. T? I pity the fool who doesn't follow his directions!

Hehe...speeding camera hoisted by it's own petard! Who says Aussies are just a bunch of drunk idiots? Oh...that would be me...

Here's some completely unhelpful advice about how to handle your porn stash with your girlfriend...not that I have a porn stash or anything...

Wow...you got knocked the f**k out!

Farkin' Links Vol. 164 11/21

This is my first weekend back in the country and it was a nice, lazy weekend. I'm still getting over that Asian Bird Flu or whatever the heck it is I picked up while I was in Nepal. Either way, I wisely played in my league basketball game, coughing fits and all. Surprisingly, I didn't collapse and die during the game. I actually played quite well for a guy who hasn't played in almost a month, not that it helped any; we lost. It was an agonizing loss as well since it was against one of our rivals, and was the deciding game for who went on to the finals. Now, you'll never catch me wearing a Diamond Bar Adult League Champions shirt or anything even if we did win, it still sucks that we came so close for the third season in a row and came up short. Moody thinks we're like the Philadelphia Eagles, but I disagree. They actually made the Superbowl this past year. We're more like the Sacramento Kings; kicking butt during the season then choking it in the Semifinals. Either way, it still makes us losers.

"I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
--Neil Armstrong


I guess you really can fold a paper in half more than 8 times. Something tells me this girl must not go out a lot.

This is what that cool mom who held wild drug parties at the house and banged her daughter's friends looked like? Yikes! That's not cool at all...and those must have been some serious drugs.

Wow...who knew Jesus was a stoner? I guess we should have seen it, what with the long hair and the sandals fighting the man all the time.

This is a fun time waster; it's a card throwing simulator. Much better than in real life since you don't have to pick up the used cards. 52 pickup sucks.

I guess this guy missed the part in his wedding vows about "Until death do us part," Seriously, man, that's just sick and wrong.

Well, this certainly explains why Indian food is the spiciest on the planet; you need all the antimicrobials you can get in that dirty ass place.

Warning: This link isn't safe for work...or for anybody. The website is www.shipaturd.com I think you can figure it out from there.

This sounds like the best way to cure a headache. Thank you, modern science.

I learned two things from this video. One, I've learned that the Governator is an ass man. This second, I now know where my next vacation is going to be.

I guess this is proof that some IT guys actually get laid once in a while. That's a pretty good business plan, though.

Farkin' Links Vol. 163 11/17

Looks like I'm back again...not that anybody really cares. Still, I enjoy wasting your time, so I'm happy to be back. I had a very interesting trip to India and Nepal; they're the type of places that are really cool and eye opening to visit, but that you really wouldn't want to go back again. Ever. Even under the threat of torture. India by far is the dirtiest place I've ever been, and that's coming from someone who's been to places like Cairo and Cambodia and who works in downtown Los Angeles everyday. Speaking of which, the air pollution was even hurting my L.A. native eyes and lungs, but it's to be expected in a country of 1.5 billion where they burn every dead body out in the open. This probably means I inhaled at least 2 Indians while I was in the country...and I've been trying to cut back to one. Oh well, maybe for my New Year's Resolution.

On a related note, I was literally followed for 3 blocks from my car by this bum today begging for money. He was talking so much about positive vibes and happy feelings that I thought he might be Milli or Vanilli...you know, the one that's still alive. Anyways, all this harrassment and persistance reminded me of the street vendors in India...although, I have to admit, this bum smelled better. It's probably because he'd taken a bath at least once this month.

"When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him."
--Thomas Szasz
Hehe...for a "Japanese people are crazy" link, this one is a gift that keeps on giving. Methinks they have an obsession with panties. I wish we had shows like this...

There's some strange ass people in New York...actually, there's some strange ass people on Craigslist. Still, any R. Kelly reference is good in my book.

Wow, somebody actually likes Aquaman enough to write a wordy essay on the ruination of his character in comics. I'm not exactly sure you can ruin a dork in an orange shirt who commands fish...he seems pretty broken in the first place.

This looks like Vicky on a Saturday night. At least, the last part does. (Ads not safe for work.)

If you read ESPN's page 2, this spoof is pretty damn good. Ummm...so, for the people not named Moody, I guess you can just skip this link.

You see, this is why you're supposed to call "Fore!" before you swing the club. I especially like the quote," Did you know that was like blood?" "Spitting out of his head!"

Hmmm...this sounds like some female conspiracy to avoid fellatio. Not cool, Sweden...not cool.

You really can find anything on the internet. Anybody looking to become a full time pickpocket?

And to think, American Express rejected me once for a credit card. I guess I'm not hairy enough for them.

So, they're playing down the Christian link in "The Lion, the witch, and the wardrobe" movie. Being it was written by C. S. Lewis, the great Christian philosopher, I find it rather amusing. It's almost as though being a Christian was suddenly a bad thing.

Well...it sure has been a while. About a month, if I'm not mistaken. Things have been extremely hectic at work, not to mention my second vacation of the year. Hehe...I have so much vacation time, I feel like a Euro. Anyways, I'll start writing again just to stay in practice, although I'm debating whether or not to start sending links again. It takes a lot of time that I just don't have anymore.

First things first; my car was broken into last night. I was working late and I parked my almost new car (although, not so new anymore, now) at a different parking structure since I was unable to purchase a monthly pass what with me being out of the country for two weeks. When I made it back to my car, I didn't even notice anything wrong; I popped my trunk and tossed my briefcase inside and headed for the driver's side door. At this point, the inside light turned on and I noticed something was definitely wrong; all the contents of my glove compartment were scattered across my seat. Of course, the shattered glass all over the inside of the car was a pretty good tip off, too. After the burning rage that consumed my person for the next 5 minutes exhausted itself with cursing and threatening horrible tortures to be inflicted on the perpetrator who would dare do this to my property, I started to clean off the glass shards on my driver's seat so I could get home without bleeding profusely. Let me just say, cleaning out a broken window from your car is one of the most frustrating things to do. You can't leave any nook or cranny alone, unless you want an ass full of glass sometime in the future. I did a pretty thorough job and only cut my hand once, so I'd guess that's not too bad. So, basically, it cost me two hours of cleaning, the same amount of time getting the window replaced, and 150 bucks out of my pocket. What did the piece of shit that did this get? About 5 bucks in change, my car manual and some copied cds that were in my center consol. I fucking hate homeless people.