Farkin' Links Vol. 174 1/5

Well, it's been a while. Because Vicky demanded it, I'm back with the links that she won't read! I hope you all had a nice holidays, and by saying I hope, I don't really...nevermind. One of my New Year's resolutions is to not go to Vegas anymore on New Years. Hanging out with friends was fun, but it's far too expensive. With the roads being totally packed since they close down the strip, it's also completely impossible to get anywhere. This is the last time I'm forced to walk the entire strip in the bitter cold just to get back to my freakin' hotel room.

I watched Munich last night, and I have to say I wasn't particularly impressed. The movie is "inspired by real events," much like Balto was based on a true story of talking cartoon dogs. The plot revolves around a group of assassins formed by Israel to take out the members of Black September who took Israel's Olympic team hostage and murdered them. Whoops, I just ruined it for Tristan...I might as well ruin King Kong too...the big ape falls off the Empire State Building. If it stuck mostly to that, I probably would have enjoyed it more. Instead, we get all the silly grade school arguments against the conflict today. "Oh, we're just creating more terrorists! We need to be better than they are! Bushitler is destroying the country!" Well, maybe not that last one, but there's enough ridiculous commentary and moral relativism going on that I felt the need to go get a coke several times. It's a well made movie and the acting is top notch. Eric Bana as the team leader performs well as an average man forced into extraodinary circumstances. The new James Bond, Daniel Craig, is a stand out character who manages to steal most of the scenes he's in as the cold blooded mercenary of the group. That being said, I wouldn't watch it again. It was far too long and rather depressing; unlike Speilberg's Schindler's List or Saving Private Ryan, you come out of the theater in a defeatist mode. I'll give it a 7.5...or in Tristan grading, B-.

We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
--Will Rogers

I figure we should start this off with a bang...here is the craziest, most disturbing "Japanese people are crazy" link I've ever linked. Considering some of the past ones, public urination and such, that's quite a statement. Well...this one involves a chick and several pigs and...it's just sick and wrong.

For the "silly ebay auction of the day", we have a pro basketball player's warm-ups. Not interested? How about if I tell you it's Manute Bol's? I imagine Jon's already put in a bid.

Jeez...is this deer deaf, or did he pull a Remo Williams and dodge bullets?

Well, that was helpful. I really had no idea what was going on in that annoying Fall Out Boy song until I watched this brilliant interpretation.

If you're inspired by the amazing skill of this previous link...try making your own flip book! I used to do this in Jr. High, until my teacher confiscated them. Some excuse about inappropriate material...

Damn...Getting breast implants seems like a poor reason to murder your husband. What are the odds he was going to tell her no to that request? I sure as hell wouldn't have.

Blame Canada for stupidity in this link. Who really cares how healthy homeless people are, anyways? Shouldn't our goal be to encourage them to die off? Hehe...I wonder how many people I just pissed off with this.

Yet another reason to hate the French...a bakery for dogs. Hey Fido, take your Alpo and like it! You're a f*cking dog!

Hehe...here's a cool list we can all use the next time we go out to a club.

I guess you really can find anything on the internet. I only wish I could hire these chicks to clean my house...it's quite dirty.

In case you didn't think our scientists were wasting enough money on idiotic research projects, check this one out. According to these fellas, soccer is the most exciting sport in the world. I guess it must be true what with all the science involved; I must just fall asleep watching these games due to them tuckering me out emotionally from all the exciting passing and non scoring.

Farkin' Links Vol. 173 12/8

YES!!! Terry Tate, Office Linebacker is back! Watch the history of what could have been the greatest mime chooses his fork of destiny! Whoooo! Uriel, you need to find a way to watch this...

For our "India is a freakshow" link, we have a very good reason not to travel the trucker highways...although, this man-woman creature is about as good looking as the plain woman creatures walking about the streets.

If this isn't true love, I don't know what true love is. I mean, have you ever heard anything as touching as "I might as well marry her again. For some reason, we seem to be stuck with each other for life." Eminem's prose is incredible; he's like Fabio, only smaller, with less hair.

Cool; here's a new mammal that's not a lemur found in Borneo. I'm just wondering what the heck the World Wrestling Federation has to do with it.

I'm not sure what to make of this, other than the fact that Mike Ditka is completely insane...but, you already knew that. Still, I like the poor man's Village People, but their rap needs work.

Heh...now I know what to get my grandmother for Christmas.

Hmmm...so I can trade in my bible for stuff I can get online for free already? That sounds like a crappy deal. I'm sticking with my bible and my online porn.

I suppose this could upset some bank tellers, but seriously, trim those damn nose hairs! It's disgusting.

In case you thought your love life was going bad; at least your penis is longer than 4 centimeters...we hope. I guess puberty was worth it after all.

Well, it looks like somebody actually likes George W. Bush in Pakistan. Terrible poem, though.

Farkin' Links Vol. 172 12/7

I watched George Romero's new zombie movie, Land of the Dead, last night. Funny thing about this movie; it feels like it was made in the 1970s. The special effects, the cheesy dialogue, the confused plotline, the cardboard characters; if I had been watching this on a small TV I probably would have assumed it was from 30 years ago. This is the 4th movie in Romero's zombie series and, while probably not the worst, it's certainly nowhere close to what he accomplished with his original Night of the Living Dead.

If you've watched a Romero zombie movie, you can expect two things; you're going to see zombies imitating living people(That zombie is playing the trombone! Haha...how funny) and you'll be hit over the head with some social message about commercialism or race relations or some other progressive krep. In his new movie, you get more than enough of these two things. In this case, there's even this genius zombie...well, I guess that makes him about as smart as Lenny from Of Mice and Men, but smart enough to lead an army of dead to invade a human settlement. Of course, the people in charge of this human settlement might actually even dumber than the zombies; let me just say I'm not impressed with their defense perimeters. The big message in this one is about class; apparently Romero just finished Das Kapital after a bottle of Scotch before he decided to write this script. The human settlement is a dystopian slum protected by their defenses and ruled by a bunch of evil white businessmen who still dress in suits living in the aptly named Fiddler's Green, a sky scraper that still operates as though the world hasn't changed. Basically, you have the haves living in their artificial wonderland served by the lower classes, the have nots who live in poverty at the whims of their rich overlords, and the zombies, who represent...oh, who really cares? I've seen deeper social commentary on an episode of Saved by the Bell.

The movie itself? It's about a rogue collector (John Leguizamo) who, after being denied entry to Fiddler's Green because he's a spic (Hey, I'm just quoting the movie...see what I mean about it seeming to be 30 years old?) decides to hijack a truck with missiles and hold the city hostage. The white, evil businessman in control of everything is Dennis Hopper who basically mails in his performance, and he decides to send the hero, some generic white dude that I'm far too lazy to look up, to stop him and bring back the truck. Throw in some zombie invasions, racial stereotypes that embarrassed even me (You gotta see the Samoan guy) and that's about it. It's funny that Romero would choose a generic white guy as the hero as his previous movies have either featured or starred a black man as the main protagonist. In fact, the Night of the Living Dead almost hinted at a black man/white woman potential relationship that probably scared middle America more than the zombies. I suppose that's why he cast the zombie leader a black man; somehow, that seems to be moving backwards. Oh well...the movie is definitely watchable, and on a Sunday afternoon with no other options, I'd watch it again out of the corner of my eye while surfing the net. For that, I'll give it a 6.5/10. Or in the Tristan grading system, C+.

The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever.
--Anatole France

Here's a new case of evolution in action...I sure hope this guy won his spitting contest.

Here's a new case of a girl getting sent home for inappropriate clothing. I don't know how they even spotted her out of the crowd with this ensemble.

Wow! That old flash cartoon was right! 50 cent really is Jewish!

Hehe...I guess Toohey's is Australian for beer. This commercial is almost bold, but it's definitely funny. For a second, I thought this chick might have been from Bangkok.

For the "India is a freakshow" link, we have...well, let's just say any story that involves the cannibal act of devouring the head of a former servant is gonna raise eyebrows.

This poor burglar needs to lose some weight. Getting caught like Winnie the Pooh is gonna stay with him for the rest of his life.

Damn, these are some of the greatest answers to game show questions I've ever read. Say what you want about the English, as I regularly do, but they have some entertaining people.

Something tells me these condoms will do great business.

Farkin' Links Vol. 171 12/5

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
--Steven Wright

Whoa...does anybody remember that Nickelodeon show Salute Your Shorts? Say hello to Donkey Lips, all grown up...or out, I suppose. Word up, homey.

Huh...giant scorpions in Scotland...330 million year ago. That's certainly headline worthy. Get this, there were also giant lizards as big as houses only 75 million years ago!

I think this guy might be holding in more anger and bitterness than an average person running out of q-tips would.

The running back on the USC Trojans, Reggie Bush, has been putting up video game statistics in college, but check out his high school footage. I think he might be from planet Krypton.

For the "Japanese people are wierd" link, we get to combine it with my favorite sport, soccer. I swear, Japanese people can't even hold a normal soccer practice without some natural disaster, a tsunami, a tornado, Godzilla, breaking things up.

Damn! That was almost a scene straight out of Final Destination 3 or something. I guess trees do serve some purpose other than furniture. Ads totally not safe for work.

I think I found my new favorite source for news...how come nobody's told me about this! Heads will roll, I assure you! This site isn't really safe for work.

I love Pacman as much as anyone...but isn't this whole concept moving in the wrong direction as far as technology is concerned?

Hmmm...this must be why Moody has been considering moving to another country. Hehe...more maybe it's this.

Sexomnia, huh? That sounds like a pretty lame excuse. Still, how much of a rape could this have been if, as the victim states,"His arms were very limp."