Remember when you were a kid and they told you not to shove crayons up your nose? This guy never learned that lesson.

For those morbid people out there...unless you're into this sort of thing. Still, those torturers were much more creative than you might think.

This is why America should start taking up smoking again. It's done wonders for the European's physique.

Parents are upset about a sex-ed class giving links to pornography on the internet. Blame Canada, indeed.

I wonder if Naomi Campbell has been teaching these moves to Ron Artest? They'd make a great couple...

This is usually how I travel, eh...

Not for the faint of heart. Babe fights a python, and the python won. That'll do, pig, that'll do.

At least Angelina Jolie had fun making Alexander...I experienced something much different sitting through it...come to think of it, it was probably much like Colin Farrell in this story.

Crime does not pay...mostly because criminals are extremely stupid...

This doesn't sound good...it's not like you can call AAA up in space. OnStar ain't doing you any good without a repair kit.

Wow...jello shots in elementary school? The worst we got was old issues of Playboy...that I sold for a tidy profit...

Huh...japanese women are exporting themselves out for sex...great, how the hell is America gonna compete with that? They're smaller, faster AND more efficient.

Cool! They found Xena, warrior princess in Iran! No sign of lesbian mate, though.

Great...it was only a matter of time before telemarketers went postal. Wouldn't you, with a crappy job like that? The only thing we can do to avoid a crisis is to start hunting them down and killing them now.

This guy attempted to commit suicide with gas, but instead managed to blow up his entire house AND somehow survive. What a total failure he is.

Wow...that cat has more degrees and education than I do! Somebody forward this to Jack...

Jeez, this kid sure one ups Dennis the Menace. I used to get grounded, but it never involved a judge.

Well, I'm all for banning Catcher in the Rye...not because of it's subersive elements, but because it's a crappy book. Shouldn't they be reading Shakespeare or something?

Man wants to build a replica Sandcrawler from Star Wars in his yard. Says a disembodied voice told him,"If you build it, jawas will come." The sad part is that he has 6 kids.

This column by my favorite sports writer is pure comedy...and it has nothing whatsoever to do with sports. Enjoy.