Farkin' Links Vol. 78 5/19

I've started to catch up on my reading and somehow managed to finish up two books today. The first was Nightfall by Nelson Demille, one of the best modern writers of today. They've made one of his books, The General's Daughter, into a movie and I hear they're optioning some of his others which probably will be just as bad. You see, his plots aren't anything special; it's his dialogue and characterizations that are the best in the business. Since no screenplay writer would even think of using an actual novel writer's words, any movie made is going to suck like a Hoover. This particular book was actually the third starring one of his favorite characters who is a wisecracking retired police detective on a terrorist task force, John Corey. It involves that Flight 800 that went down in 1996 and was a very good yarn up until the end when he pulled a deus ex machina to close up the book without a very good finish. Maybe in another 5 years I would have not minded, but to use the Twin Towers attack to tie up loose ends just seems to soon. I give it a 6.5/10.

The other book I finished up was Put a Lid On It by my favorite living mystery writer, Donald E. Westlake. He's writen several screenplays including the Grifters, but his books have also been transformed into subpar crapfests as well, such as What's the Worst that Could Happen starring Martin Lawrence. He's known for two series of books; the first is about Parker, an amoral criminal who steals, slaps around or kills anyone who gets in his way and even had a movie based on him starring Mel Gibson as Par..I mean Porter, Payback. The other series is far more fun as the first basically defined the concept of a comedy caper story. The main character is the laconic, droopy mastermind thief, John Dortmunder who surrounds himself with all types of strange and kooky characters as they bumble their way through various types of criminal enterprises that never go to plan. Think Ocean's 11, only more blue collar with a Seinfeld attention to minor details. This book I just finished starred what I'd call Dortmunder lite. The characters were lifeless and unmemorable and the storyline, a presidential election committee group springs a professional thief from jail to help steal evidence from their opponents so they don't suffer a Watergate style bungling, is just original enough to keep you interested, but he never really pushes the envelope. You keep waiting for it to crack you up, but all you get is a chuckle. Not a terrible way to spend a couple of hours and it is short, so I'll give it a 6/10.

"John Dortmunder was a man on whom the sun shone only when he needed darkness."
--Donald E. Westlake


I'm betting this is what lunch would be like at Newjen's. Still, it's a fun game.

Then again, lunch could be much worse...like this.

I think I found some performances that are even worse than the Phantom Menace with this Opera based on the first Star Wars. Not quite as bad as Attack of the Clones, though.

Whoa! I promise to not jaywalk anymore!

Alex swears by this show on Cartoon network and after watching this clip, I may have to start watching. Who knew Voltron's weakness was the dancefloor?

In case your day hasn't been frustrating enough, try this bumper car air hockey game. It's a surprise my monitor is still in one piece.

If this family didn't believe in corporal punishment, I'm pretty sure they reconsidered after this.

This is a fun shooter...except for the weird 80's techno music. I'm not sure a Flock of Seagulls really qualifies as Western motif.

Further proof that editing can make any sport look exciting, check out these soccer clips. You'd almost think this was a cool sport. Almost.

I had no idea Jean Luc Picard was such a bad ass.

For the silly ebay auction of the day, we have the rock that David killed Goliath with...well, it's on a bible and the bible never lies, right?

Uh oh...forget nuclear weapons, I've found Iran's REAL secret weapon; female jedis!

Sometimes I regret not playing any sports in high school...then I see things like this and suddenly feel glad I can walk.

Wow, you really CAN order anything over the internet!

Well, the family that role plays together...are a bunch of losers, apparently.

I'm going to have to use this calculator with the sound up at work and see how long it takes for someone to notice. NSFW

Cool...it's Kung Fu from the Nintendo, only more violent.

For the "Japanese people are crazy" link, we have a very strange child's toy. Only in Japan could you turn Russian Roulette into a game that's fun for the whole family.

They say everyone will have his 15 minutes of fame...although this ain't worth more than 2 minutes, 3 tops.

Not content to drug up every child in the western world, in Australia, they're giving dogs and cats medication to fight their obsessive compulsive disorders. How's that work? The dog washes his mouth out after every time he licks his own genitalia?