Farkin' Links Vol. 79 5/23

I'm sure you're all upset that I didn't send one of these out on Friday(sarcasm is hard over an email)but this is because I decided to bite the bullet and see the new Star Wars movie. Let me just say, move over Citizen Kane and Casablanca because we have a new amazingly wonderful film for the ages...just kidding...although it's really pretty good. In fact, in the words of Moody, it was "pretty damn great." He had to see it a second time with me because, apparently, like George Costanza's shower from that Seinfeld episode, it didn't take. I'm really not sure what the means, but I'll let it go.

If you're looking for nuanced performances and clever dialogue, well, you're really damn lost; especially if you've already seen the first two. Hayden Christensen is still the same whiny loser and Natalie Portman somehow forgot how to act, but those scenes are mercifully short. Ian McDiarmid is quite good as the smarmy, villainous Senator and manages to carry Anakin over to the dark side while Hayden Christensen goes from emotion A to B(which seems to be his entire range of acting) without getting in the way. Anakin's fall to the dark side actually makes sense, although I'm not sure why Darth Vader is always trying to rule the universe with someone by his side. He's like a chick going to the bathroom, he can't do anything by himself, the needy bastard. There's lightsaber fights galore and enough action to keep you from falling asleep. What separates it from the last two is that there is an actual emotional core; the ending is as dramatic as a Star Wars movie can possibly be, with the bonus of Hayden Christensen getting set on fire, which is worth the ticket price alone. Let me rank the 6 so you can see how my rating went.
Ep. 1 Phantom Menace: 5.5/10 Very mediocre movie with no emotion and actually put me to sleep the first time. It gets an extra .5 for an amazing pod race scene which is so exciting, even Darth Vader has to go "Ya hoo!"
Ep. 2 Attack of the Clones: 3/10 Let's never speak of this movie again. The only reason it gets points at all is because it's a Star Wars movie and Yoda busts a move.
Ep. 3 Revenge of the Sith: 7.5/10 See above
Ep. 4 A New Hope: 8/10 It's as fun and goofy as a lightweight sci fi action flick should be; it also is one of the most influential of it's day. I give it an extra point for that
Ep. 5 Empire Strikes Back: 9/10 Far and away the best of the movies; it has everything, including dialogue that doesn't embarrass itself.
Ep. 6 Return of the Jedi: 7.5/10 A good ending for the story and redemption for the baddest of bad asses in movie history. Would have gotten a higher rating if Lucas could have quit trying to sell toys and introduce the Care Bear cousins from hell, the Ewoks.
Special bonus-Star Wars Christmas Special: 10/10 For pure unintentional comedy...you have super Golden Girl Bea Arthur running a cantina and a drugged out Carrie Fisher trying to sing and poor Harrison Ford hugging every wookie in sight. May be the best stoner special ever filmed.

"Now the circle is complete. When I left you I was but the learner. Now I am the master."
--Darth Vader


I guess this is what being a teenage girl is like. I'm glad I spent my time playing Altered Beast and Joe Montana's Football on the Genesis instead.

This is the coolest and most useless thing I've ever seen. I'm sure Ben Wu and his Cal Tech homies are burning with jealousy right now.

Yikes...this is either a dog conga line or a dog orgy...neither one is a comforting thought. I mean, conga lines are for old people on cruise ships.

Damn refs...I knew they were in the other team's pocket.

This is a pretty fun side scroller. It's like Mario Bros, if Mario ran around shooting cyborgs and had a pony tail...alright, it's nothing like Mario Bros. It does have green pipes, though.

I'm not sure what the message of this commercial is...is it that Scots are a bunch of exhibitionists? Safe for work.

Oh my god...is that...is that Winston? Exactly how drunk was he on his birthday?

An oldie but goodie, you really need to check this website weekly. Fuggin' greatness.

This isn't safe for work, but it's really damn funny. 31 one things that make you go hmmm...no, wait, make you go ouch!

For the silly ebay auction of the day, well, it's more like sick auction. Go ahead and bid on a rabbit sex doll. That's one way to keep their population down.

For the "Japanese people are crazy" link, we have the new contact trend...look like a cartoon character, or someone really really baked.

Who knew Darth Vader liked to talk so much smack? Still, I'd say Mistress Cleo is more accurate at reading my mind.

So that's what you get when you combine two of the most obnoxious, tiresome media items into one.

I don't know about you, but this would get me to go to church way more often than I do...which is never.

With friends like these...I can see where serial killers come from. NSFW